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Snivellus’s Pants


It had started that morning in the Slytherin common room.

Regulus Black had fallen asleep on the couch after sneaking down to the common room in the middle of the night. He’d had a terrible nightmare. He had crawled under a blanket on the couch and sat flipping through the pages of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, looking at the illustrations as they moved about the pages. It had been calming, watching the fluttering of the occamy feathers and the waggling tail of the crups, and Regulus fell asleep in no time at all, curled up in a ball beneath the green duvet he’d dragged down beside the dying embers in the hearth.

He was smallish for a fourteen year old, and he was slouched down low, and the duvet was exactly the same shade as the fabric of the couch… all factors in why Mulciber, Avery, and McNair had not noticed Regulus Black there when they came down the stairs.

“...quite ridiculous, really, the way he mopes about after that ginger haired little bitch, as though she’s worth taking two looks at,” Mulciber’s voice was rough and sharp and Regulus stirred, opening his eyes, blinking out from beneath the duvet. “Wouldn’t have even noticed her at all if it hadn’t been for his fascination with her. Tried to give him a treat and what’s he do but waste it? He’s ingrateful of my efforts, that’s what he is… So I’ve decided, gentlemen, to have her for myself. Just to piss Severus Snape off. Thinks he’s so big with the Dark Lord, then let him have his talk… and I’ll just fuck his girl.”

Mulciber’s weight made the couch creak as he sat on the back edge of the arm, grinning.

Regulus stayed very still.

“Today. After the O.W.L.s, I think we’ll have our own little… celebration party… what do you lot say?” Mulciber chuckled.

Amycus Carrow’s recognizable snicker echoed about the room.

“Meet me in the entrance hall after the exams, we’ll follow the little mudblood and invite her along,” Mulciber said. There was a pause and upstairs the dormitory doors creaked. “Snape.” Mulciber’s voice was low, “Shut up about it. No telling what ickle Sevvy-kins will do if he finds out we’re planning to take his prize.” And Mulciber stood up, the couch creaking again, and the group of them dispersed quickly, leaving Regulus Black to lie, wide eyed and shivering beneath his blanket..




It was after breakfast, when Severus was just leaving the common room, headed to the Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. after having changed into his uniform in his dorm, that Regulus Black caught him by the robes. It took no words, nothing spoken out loud. Regulus stared up into Severus Snape’s face and he opened his mind, putting the news of what they’d said before him.

Severus’s face was unreadable.

And then he turned and hurried away down the corridor, leaving Regulus behind.




Defense Against the Dark Arts ought to have been Severus Snape’s best O.W.L. of them all. But he sat in the Great Hall stealing glances at Lily Evans through the thick curtain of hair that hung from his head over his desk, spilling onto his parchment. He felt sick and queasy in the stomach… a feeling only compounded when he saw Mulciber was stealing glances at her, too, and the images running through Mulciber’s mind were terrible… terrible images that made Severus Snape’s fingers tighten ‘round the edges of his desk in anger. He was so distracted by the horrible thoughts he was seeing that he managed to mess up several easy questions.

He jumped up the moment Flitwick had dismissed them, jumped up and hurriedly packed up his stuff, shoving it roughly into his bag. Lily Evans had not spoken even a single word to him since the incident in the hall - and for that reason, he felt he could not simply go up and tell her what was going on. Instead, he had to watch her, to protect her silently - a vigilante. He swept along behind her, stealth and unnoticed in the crowd, silent and graceful as a bat, sneaking quietly past the Marauders and into the entrance hall, where he saw Mulciber, Avery, McNair, Carrow, and a couple other Slytherin boys snickering, glancing toward the gaggle of girls as they stepped out of the Great Hall together , chatting far too intensely to notice that one among them was being watched…

No.

Hunted.

Severus Snape stuck to the shadows, on edge, ready to strike, ready to be struck, whatever would come first, keeping an eye on the Slytherin bullies as they kept an eye on Lily Evans. He lurked in the brushes about the foot of the castle, hovering about them, listening as they said crude things about what they’d do with her once they’d caught her… willing her to stay there on the bridge by the Black Lake, safe with her friends, where these idiots didn’t dare go to snatch her up.

And it was from there, among the bushes at the foot of the castle, that Severus Snape saw Lily Evans bidding her friends farewell on the bridge… saw Mulciber’s smirking grin spread across his fat face and his intentions to go and collect Lily in the mostly empty halls of the school…

“Go on you lot, I’ll catch you up with our prize,” Mulciber breathed.

And Mulciber started off across the lawn, intent to follow Evans.

So Severus Snape came out of the shadows at the base of the castle, with every intent to engage Mulciber if he had to…

And he would have, too.

It would have been noble. Chivalrus. Chivalrus Snape they would have called him… a hero, that’s what he would have been remembered as.

And perhaps, had it gone differently that day, had the shots not been fired, perhaps everything that happened that day forward would have gone differently. Perhaps Severus Snape could have turned it all around and become everything that Lily Evans had once dreamed of him having the potential to be…

Except it was then, as he walked, expecting an attack from one of those Slytherin boys, that James Potter’s voice came loud and passionate across the grounds, stopping Severus from going after Mulciber.




“Alright, Snivellus?”

James Potter’s voice rang over the grounds. Several people turned about as James and Sirius pushed off from their perch beneath the tree by the Black Lake. Peter stared from where he was sitting his eyes wide with anticipation, excited to see what James would do. Remus saw Lily and her friends turn around at the sound of James’s voice and he frowned down at his Transfiguration textbook, afraid of how angry she would be when she realized Remus had told James and Sirius what happened… She was so gonna kill him.

Severus Snape plunged his hand into his robes, grabbing onto his wand.

“Oh no you don’t - you’re not hexing us, you little pinprick,” James murmured, “Expelliarmus!”

Severus Snape’s wand flew through the air and landed in the grass.

“Good one, James,” barked Sirius, laughing, “Watch this. Impedimenta!” and he pointed his wand at Snape, too, knocking Severus off his feet, even as he made a mad dive forward to catch up his wand, and Sirius laughed so hard that there were tears in his eyes as Snape’s chest landed flat to the grass as he lay, panting there on the ground, the wind knocked clear from him.

“Shall we?” Sirius asked, holding up his wand toward James… and James tapped their wands together, as though they were making a cheers, and they stepped, side by side, in near practiced unison, advancing upon Severus Snape, even as the students on the grounds turned to look in shock at the scene before them… including the girls on the bridge by the water’s edge, including Lily… and Peter had stood up, craning his neck to see…

Remus Lupin’s face burned bright as he still very, very carefully kept his eyes trained on his textbook, refusing to watch, knowing that he should stop it - he was a prefect, for crying outloud! - and yet refusing to see. His stomach turned. Please don’t do anything too stupid, please, he silently begged James and Sirius both, Please.

“How’d your exams go, Snivelly?” James hissed.

“I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment,” said Sirius in a low, vicious hiss, “There’ll be great grease marks all over it, they won’t be able to read a word.”

“Not hard for his damned nose to touch the desk, though, is it? Without giant and hooked it is?” James mocked. The pair of them circled Severus Snape, hovering over him like birds of prey. Vultures. Several people were laughing at the taunting words… laughing at Severus’s struggle against the spells they’d cast, the impedimenta still binding him. He fought the invisible ropes.

Severus grunted, “You -- you bastards -- you - don’t know what I was trying to stop -- don’t understand -- stupid -- just you wait! Just you -- wait…” He looked up at James and his face was one of purest loathing, “Just… wait…”

James smirked at the look of agony as he struggled against the invisible bindings.

“Wait for what, exactly?” Sirius taunted, “What are you going to do, Snivelly? Wipe your nose on us?”

Past them, Severus could see Mulciber standing close to the little bridge, and the girls - especially Lily Evans - so unaware…

Severus’s efforts doubled. “Release me you fucking bastards -- pugnus, tergo, vexamenta! Shit. vexa--” but his wand was too far away for anything to happen. “You have no idea what you’re doing you fucking little coc--”

“Watch your mouth, Snivellus!” James said, “Anyone ever tell you it’s quite dirty? You need to wash it out with soap!” James mis-remembered, thinking that Severus had once done this to Sirius (it had actually been Evan Rosier, but Severus had been there), and so he aimed his wand, “Scourgify, Sopa!!”

And a great burst of pink soap bubbles came streaming from Severus Snape’s mouth, choking through his mouth as he tried to curse James and Sirius with no result. Again, the crowd about them laughed loudly as Severus Snape’s mouth frothed and foamed, making him gag and clutch at his throat with wide, desperate eyes.

“Leave him ALONE!”

Lily Evans had found her voice at last. She’d been staring on in horror and shock from the sidelines for some time now and she finally sprang forward as her stomach turned with agonistic pity for what they were doing to Severus Snape.

Both Sirius and James looked about and James ran his hand through his hair nervously as she approached.

“Alright, Evans?” asked James.

Leave him alone,” Lily repeated, looking at James with a deep dislike that shook James’s soul. “What’s he done to you?” she demanded, stepping between James and Severus.

James stared at her. “Well,” he said, “The list is quite long isn’t it? What Severus Snape has done to me would be an essay requiring several meters of parchment. Suffice to say that i’ts more the fact he exists, if you know what I mean.”

Many of the people about them laughed now. Everyone knew there was a deep rooted dislike between James Potter and Severus Snape, though many didn’t know the details of where it had begun. In fact - the only people around that did not laugh were Lily Evans herself and Remus, who looked very much like he wanted to melt into the ground beneath the tree as Lily’s eyes flickered toward him as James continued on, “You know what he did, Lily. What he did to you.”

Lily’s face burned and she glared at James.

“I’m just giving him back what he’s done to you, Evans,” James explained, “Just making him pay his debts, you see. Now stand aside and let me teach the blasted cockroach a lesson.” He waved her aside with his wand, “Cockus deleteus, so to speak.” And his lips twisted into a smirk.

“You think you’re so funny,” she said coldly, “But you’re just an arrogant bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone.”

“What’re you standing up for him for?” James asked, “After what he did to you?”

Lily stared at James, “You don’t even know what you’re talking about!” she snapped. “He - he might’ve saved me, given the chance, you don’t know!”

“I know I would have saved you,” James said. “I would have saved you without hesitating, Evans. I wouldn’t have let it get to the point that you needed saving. He’s done so much rubbish to you over the years, besides that, even! And you always overlook it, always give him a second chance. Give him a third, fourth, fifth, sixth -- umpteen hundredth chance!”

“I don’t give him umpteen hundred chances!” Lily snapped.

“You do!” James replied, “At least that many! Maybe even more. And what do you give to me?” he laughed, “No chances at all. Even when you gave me a chance, I didn’t get my chance!” He shook his head. “So leave him alone? No, Evans. I won’t leave him alone. He doesn’t leave you alone, doesn’t leave me alone. Why should I leave him alone?”

Because!” Lily answered.

James laughed. Then, “I’ll tell you what. I will. I’ll leave him alone. I will if you go out with me, Evans. Go on… Go out with me and I’ll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.”

Severus was crawling toward his wand, spitting soap bubbles, intent on hexing James, silencing Lily before she could agree to it… She can’t go out with that great tosser, Snape thought, No.

But to his pleasure, Lily snapped, “I wouldn’t go out with you, James Potter, if it was a choice between you and the Giant Squid!”

Sirius was smirking. “Bad luck, Prongs.”

“Got a crush on the old cephalopod when I made him fly last year, did you Evans?” James asked, “Still owe me a date from that, don’t you?”

Lily’s face burned.

“OI!” Sirius’s voice rang, “James!”

But the cry was too late.

Severus Snape had got to his wand and there was a flash of light, blindingly bright and there was suddenly a gash - quite a deep gash, too, right across the side of James’s face, knocking his glasses askew, and splattering both his robes and Lily’s with blood. Lily jumped backward, eyes wide at the spray that dotted her chest and James whirled about, slashing his wand through the air and with a shrieking cry, Severus Snape was suspended up into the air, hanging by his ankles high above them, scrambling, his robes tumbling down to hang over his head so that he looked like a great overturned umbrella with shockingly pale skin and knobby, terribly skinny legs, dotted with thick hair… A murmur went about the crowd as they fell, pooling in his armpits, revealing that he’d worn nothing beneath them except a pair of graying old underpants.

Tight white things that left very little to the imagination.

Sirius roared with laughter, “Oi! Nice pants there, Sev.”

Lily’s eyes widened in horror.

“Do you see?” James asked, wiping the blood from his face. “He isn’t innocent Evans! You above all people should know that. Amortentia, Evans. Or not stopping those boys when they tried to take your clothes off? Tried to… to hurt you in the corridor?” James’s eyes were flashing, “I’m doing this for you, Evans. Revenging your honor!”

“It’s avenging, you idiot,” Lily said. Though she said it with less fury than her voice had carried a moment before.

James Potter… avenging her honor against the boy who had tried to steal it. Who had broken her heart time and again, broken the trust between friends over and over again, who had sinned against her so many times… James was right, it really had been umpteen chances… uncountable chances...

Seeing her fury melt, James laughed, staring cruelly up at Severus Snape. “How does it feel to have your clothes taken off when you don’t want them to be, Snivellus?” he demanded. “Not a whole lot there to see, is there, though?” James asked holding up his freehand, pinching his fingers together to indicate a small length...

Lily Evans’s lips twitched… almost as though she might smile.

“Filthy traitor, filthy scum -- you -- you bastard -” Snape struggled, kicking, trying to push his robes up, trying to cover up, his face red and purpling from being upside down and embarrassed…

“You’ve had your revenge,” Lily said, “Now let him down!”

“Certainly.” James jerked his wand upward and Severus Snape fell to a crumpled heap on the ground.

Severus scrambled, fighting with his robes, untangling himself, pushing them down over his underpants, his face blushing so hot that it felt as though his face was on fire. He glared at James Potter with absolute hatred, and grabbed his wand, and hissed quietly, “Sectumse--

Petrificus totalus!” Sirius cried, the only one who’d heard the spell being uttered, and once again Severus Snape fell over, rigid as a board.

“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Lily bellowed at Sirius, and she drew her wand.

James and Sirius both eyed it warily.

“Ah, Evans, don’t make me hex you,” James said with a nervous chuckle.

“Careful mate, that bat-bogey hex she does --” Sirius said, holding up his palms. He smiled at Lily, “Darling, really. You needn’t demonstrate your skill. We’re both aware you could kick our arses in no time flat… blanco flaggerus,” he announced and a tiny white pennant unfolded from the tip of his wand. A white flag of surrender. He waved it merrily, grinning at her sheepishly.

“Take the curse off him then,” Lily snapped at Sirius.

Because Sirius wasn’t about to do it, James waved his wand, “Finite incantantum,” he said with a deep, obliging sigh. “There you go.” He looked down at Snape - palms up so Lily could see his hands, still at her wand point. “You’re lucky that Evans was here to save you, Snivellus, lucky she cares so bloody much for you, though I don’t know why she would, you’re --”

“I do not need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!”

There was a terrible, ringing silence that followed the words. Severus had panicked, seeing Mulciber sneering at him from the crowd as Lily Evans had stood up for him, argued on his behalf. Avery and McNair and Carrow were all watching, too, and Severus had seen Mulciber’s mind - a picture of the Dark Lord torturing Severus for being a blood traitor for loving a muggle-born witch… and he’d said the first thing that had come to mind to deny it.

And he regretted it the moment it came out.

Because Lily stared at him.

Because her bottle-green eyes filled with tears and pain.

Because she stepped back, as though slapped harshly across the face.

Because he could see the breath leave her… could see the fight for him extinguished.

Because Severus Snape saw the moment that the friendship officially, absolutely ended.

Because Severus Snape’s heart finally shattered as completely as it ever could.

And Lily’s voice trembled. “F-fine. Fine.” Her voice was cool over the rocky shake it carried. “I - I won’t bother in the future.” A lump rose up in her throat and she struggled to come up with something that might hurt even half as much as the word Mudblood had just hurt her… but she couldn’t come up with anything really good, and even if she had - as much as she hated herself for it, she still cared too much to truly hurt him - “I’d - I’d go wash my pants if I were you!” she sniffed and then, she added quickly, because it was the only thing she could call him that she knew would sting the way Mudblood had, “Snivellus!”

James’s wand shook as he aimed it at Severus Snape’s chest, his face one of purest loathing. “Apologize to Evans!”

Lily shoved James in the shoulder, “I don’t want you to make him apologize!” she shouted, “You’re - you’re as bad as he is!”

“What?!” James stared at her, “I would NEVER call you a - a you-know-what!” He couldn’t even say the word.

Lily’s tears were falling freely now. “Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you’ve just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch! Walking about down the corridors, hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can--”

“Only Snivellus, really,” interrupted Sirius.

“I’m surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it! You make me SICK!” And Lily turned on her heel and hurried away.

“Evans!” James shouted after her, a broken look on his face. “Hey… EVANS!”

But she didn’t look back.

People were staring at him, snickering, and James felt his face flush, and he turned, “What is it with her?” he said, trying to be cool, even as his voice shook. He looked at Sirius.

“Reading between the lines, I’d say she thinks you’re a bit conceite, mate,” said Sirius, smirking.

“Right,” James said. And he looked at Severus, who stared after her, too, a look of hunger of longing upon his face.

Mulciber stood at the front of the crowd, snickering, watching on, staring at Snape with amusement, seeing the shattered look upon his face and Severus knew that he had to say something, had to recover if he expected to regain his dignity...

And so, looking right at Mulciber, Severus muttered, for his benefit alone, “I should have bloody given her a go when I had the chance.”

James’s eyes flashed. “You - you bleeding arsehole,” he hissed.

And there came another bright jet of light that hoisted Severus Snape back up off the ground, revealing those horrid old grey underpants once again...

“WHO WANTS TO SEE ME TAKE OFF SNIVELLEY’S PANTS?” James shouted.

And Sirius said, “And give everyone nightmares? Prongs, my delicate eyes couldn’t handle such grotesque imagery!”

Nobody noticed Mulciber sneak away from the crowd.

Nobody, that is, except Remus.