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I’m Not Worthy


Sirius and Lily sat out on the sand in the dark late after dinner was over, watching the white caps of the ocean waves reflect the moon overhead. Sirius stared up at the white orb, the white and the grey of the craters, and he thought about Remus, wondered what he was doing way up in Iceland. He hoped Remus was staying warm, and that he’d been sure to pack lots of jumpers. He hated the thought that Remus Lupin might be cold.

It had been such a wonderful day. Sirius thought of all the fun he’d had riding bicycles with Lily and riding in the Morris-Mini and how delicious the food Mrs. Evans had brought home was - a pizza she’d called it. He’d really enjoyed the pizza quite a lot and Vernon Dursley had thought it quite strange that he had never had any, something that had made Petunia quite angry and she’d abruptly changed the subject back to Vernon’s work in drills. It hadn’t even occurred to Sirius to be sad, he realized.

Achlys, the dementor (well, shementor) in his chest, had seemed to have skipped coming along on this trip.

Sirius didn’t miss her.

Beside him, Lily hugged her knees and dragged a stick through the sand.

Sirius looked over at her. “Hey… Evans?”

“Sirius?”

“Thanks for taking me along here.”

Lily smiled, “Thanks for coming along. I’d have been so lonely.” She pictured sitting there on the beach alone. Even if they hadn’t been talking - they’d been just sitting there for nearly a quarter hour already - there was coming warm about Sirius Black being there. Lily said, “I really am glad you came.”

“I’m glad, too.” Sirius stared at the moon again.

Lily dug her bare toes into the sand.

“Evans?”

Lily looked over at him, “Sirius?”

“Do you reckon Remus might be looking at the moon right now, too?”

“Maybe,” she replied. She watched him for a few moments, the blue-white light illuminating his face, and she said, “You two are so bloody in love, why are you still apart?”

Sirius didn’t look away from the moon’s craters. He just kept staring up at the sky. There was a very long pause and finally, quietly, he said, “I am not worthy.”

“What?” the words had chilled her and she hoped she’d heard them wrong.

Instead of answering, Sirius recited:

The full moon’s beams are precious few
Breaking down bone, sinew…
Nights we spent together, free and wild
Passing a curse which we beguile…
What made him choose me?
I am not worthy.


Lily chewed her lower lip, “Is that a song?”

Sirius shook his head, “A poem.”

“Who wrote it?” she asked, expecting the answer to be some great scholar of long ago.

“Me,” Sirius answered.

“You didn’t,” she argued.

“I did. Just now.”

Lily whispered, “You’re very good.”

Sirius turned to look at her. “I want to get tattoos.”

“What?” Lily blinked - this was not at all connected thought.

Sirius repeated, “I want to get tattoos. Did you see the ones Ace Dante has? They’re brilliant. I want some tattoos.”

Lily laughed, “What happens when you’re eighty and you don’t want them anymore?”

“I’ll be too old and blind to give a shit when I’m eighty, obviously, Lilith. Honestly.”

She shook her head.

“You should get tattoos with me. We’ll make our bodies our own.”

“Our bodies are already our own,” she laughed.

“Achlys shares mine,” Sirius said.

Lily stared at him.

“The shementor in my chest?” Sirius said.

“I know who she is.”

“Well, maybe she’ll hate the new art and take a hike if I tattoo myself.” He grinned.

“What would you get?” Lily asked.

“Dunno,” Sirius said. “Something fucking awesome.”

Lily smirked.

“I saw a parlor for them on the boardwalk, just a little way down from the shop we were at.” He stared at her. “Will you go with me?”

“You’re not old enough.”

“That’s what aging charms are for.”

Lily rolled her eyes.

“Well fuck... actually, I’ll bet there’s a bloody spell for tattoos, I reckon I can bewitch one on myself. It can’t be so hard, can it? Just imagine… Tattoos all over,” and he smirked into the dark. She didn’t reply, and mischief rose up in him. He wanted a response of some sort, so he said, “All up and down my arms, all over my chest.. .maybe my neck… my stomach… my legs… maybe even my face. Evans, what do you think of a face tattoo?”

“Sirius.”

His eyes were sparkling. “It’ll be spiffing.”

“You’re joking.”

“Am I?”

“I think you are. I can’t always tell with you. You joke so… seriously.”

Siriusly.”

Lily groaned.

He grinned.




That night, Sirius lay in bed on his stomach, his wand illuminated, reading the magazine James had given him, mostly looking at the pictures, really, at all the punk rock boys with their thick shiny hair and leather jackets with patches and badges and gloves and torn up jeans. They wore make up on their eyes, dark black charcoal looking stuff that made them look like fantastically sexy, bad ass racoons. Sirius wanted to look like a fantastically sexy, bad ass racoon.

In the next bed, Vernon Dursley was back-to him, snoring loudly (far louder than even Peter had ever snored). Sirius looked over at him as he snorted, rolling onto his back, loud hippopotamus noises coming out of his deep throat for a moment and then - back to snoring.

Sirius rolled his eyes and turned back to his magazine.

The bedroom door creaked open and Sirius looked over to see Lily peeking into the room. She was wearing a pair of tiny cotton shorts and a tank top - even the night air was quite warm - and her hair was in two braids that hung over her shoulders. Sirius raised an eyebrow as she glanced at Vernon Dursley, then asked, quietly, “Can I come in there?”

“Yeah, course,” Sirius replied. Lily snuck across the room and crawled onto the bed beside him. She lay on her side beside him, facing him, and he stared at her, waiting for an explanation. Lily blinked at him for several moments. “Are we alright, Evans?” he asked.

Lily shook her head.

“What’s the matter?”

“Tuney and I had a row,” she whispered.

“What about?” he asked.

“Tuney hardly needs a reason,” Lily answered.

“I mean, no but… kind of. What were you rowing over?”

It had been Sirius, actually. Lily had said something rather offhand about hoping Sirius and Vernon were getting along alright and Tuney had made a joke, insinuating that Sirius Black was an escaped convict and that’s why he looked so terrifying as he did - with that long hair and cold grey eyes… and Lily had defended him fiercely…

He dresses like a bum!” Petunia had said hotly.

At least Sirius has a personality!” Lily had yelled, flaring up, her cheeks pinkening.

Vernon has loads of personality -- and HE isn’t a FREAK.” Petunia had crossed her arms at this point and looked at Lily with a haughty, terrible gleam in her eye. She knew how that word effected Lily, knew how it stung.

And sting it had. Lily had stared at Petunia like a wounded animal, snatched her wand from the nightstand, kicked on her slippers, and left the room.

Lily looked up at Sirius’s grey eyes and his dimpled chin and she shook her head. He was likely to go off, to go storming into Petunia’s room right then and turn her into a frog or something. Lily didn’t want to deal with the damage control. So instead of telling him, she replied, “Just something stupid,” and she wiggled ‘til she was pressed against his chest and inserted her head beneath his chin.

Sirius closed his eyes, stiffening slightly. “What’re you doing?”

“Snuggling as friends,” Lily said.

Sirius laughed. He didn’t question it, he just snuggled back.

It so felt good, having the warmth of another person there. He had craved it so terribly since Remus had been gone. There had been nights in the dormitory that he woke up so empty and the only feeling in him was the cold chill of Achlys breathing and swirling about in his chest and the air around him had seemed so thin… A couple times, he had crawled in next to James, as Snuffles, and forced his way as close as he could get to him unlti James finally would roll over and hug him. That was all Sirius wanted… the weight and warmth of somebody pressed against him… a physical reminder that he wasn’t alone… and the human touch, the feeling of skin against skin, was so much more satisfying for that than it was as a dog.

Sirius pulled her even closer and Lily’s eyes closed as she let him hold her, letting his arms remind her that she was not a freak...