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Bertie Bott’s


“UUUGHHHHHH!! It’s vomit! Gods alive!!!” Sirius dramatically flung himself back against the bed, his tongue hanging out, the box of Bertie Bott’s spilling across the duvet. “My mouth, my mouth!”

Remus laughed, but hurriedly picked up the beans that were rolling all about on the bed and shoved them back into the circus-tent shaped box and handed it off to Peter, “I think I’ll pass, but you lot have fun at this,” he laughed.

Peter grabbed the box and took a deep breath, selecting an orange one from the depths of the box. “Alright. What’s my threat?!” he asked, looking to James who held a sort of cheat sheet on the flavors in his fist.

“Alright,” James looked the list over, moving his glasses to see better, “It’s either mango or -- oh no --” he made a face, “Or else it’s copper - like a knut! You ever licked a knut before?”

“WHY WOULD YOU LICK MONEY?” Sirius yelled, laughing, “Seriously! WHY?”

“I dunno! Haven’t you ever been curious?” James asked.

“You’re filthy!” Sirius bellowed.

“No! Mate, every kid does it! Sort of like every kid jams cereal up their nostril at least once.”

Peter snorted, “I did that once! Mum called healers from St. Mungo’s!”

“I did it once, too,” James said, “And my mum freaked out but my dad just walked over and squeezed my nose so the cereal broke.”

“My mum would’ve jammed it up further,” Sirius guffawed.

Remus shook his head, “Am I the only one that knew better than to lick knuts and shove cereal up my nose then? Blimey.”

The boys were lounging about the dormitory, their bellies full of ham and applesauce from dinner (though that hadn’t dampened their plans to sit about eating candy and goofing off all the night long of course), and laughing uproariously over anything and everything that came to them.

“Well go on, Pete! Eat the bean already!” Sirius said.

Peter held the bean up before himself and took a deep breath, “Alright. Here goes.” And he shoved it in his mouth. There was a long pause - anxious, the other three leaned forward, waiting to find out what flavor he’d gotten - and Peter let out a sigh of relief as the mango flavoring filled his mouth. “Oh thank Merlin,” he murmured, “Mango!”

“LUCKY SHOT!” Sirius cried. “Prongs, you’re up.”

Peter and James exchanged items so that Peter now held the key and James the circus tent box. He drew a deep breath and stuck his fist into the box and rooted around a bit. He pulled his hand out to find he’d gotten a green one. “Oh tough go of it,” Peter said, looking up from the chart, “You’re either about to dive into seaweed or else it’s musty mold!”

“Bleedin’ hell don’t tell me the seaweed is supposed to be the good flavor in those options!” James said, making a face. “I want a do-over!”

“You eat the beans you’ve drawn, Potter, unless you wanna forfeit!” Sirius answered, pointing at the pool of chocolate coins that sat on James’s bed -- they were betting, playing for candy money. “Unless you wanna be a loooo-hooo-zzzaa-herrrrrrr,” Sirius added, drawing out the word.

“Bugger you, Pads!” James replied, “Here we go! I dunno what one to root for!” he threw the bean into his mouth.

“In Asian countries they consider seaweed a delicacy,” Remus intoned.

James’s face screwed up and he said, “Oh my gods.”

“WHAT IS IT?” Sirius cried.

“Seaweed,” hacked James. “Oh Merlin’s toenail. It tastes like that horrid mouthful of ocean water you get when you swim in the sea… only more salty. Oh gods.” He spit it out and scraped his tongue against his teeth, grabbing the coins and holding them out to Sirius, “HERE. TAKE IT. It’s worth cashing out to get this bleeding taste out of my mouth!” He jumped up for the water pitcher on the desk and poured himself a great glass of water.

“Good thing your animagus wasn’t a whale!” Peter commented.

Sirius sat up onto his knees importantly, “Hang on. What if somebody did have a whale for an animagus!? HOW WOULD THAT WORK? WHAT IF THEY WEREN’T ANYWHERE NEAR AN OCEAN WHEN THEY TRANSFORMED THE FIRST TIME? WHAT IF THERE WASN’T TWO PEOPLE THERE TO PERFORM THE HOMORPHUS? Would they die?”

“Dunno,” answered James.

“And what if they were afraid to swim?” Sirius continued on. “What if they were a bird and they were afraid of heights?! WHAT IF YOU BECAME AN ANIMAL YOU ARE AFRAID OF?”

“Surprised that didn’t happen to me,” James laughed. “One of those horrid spider things Hagrid keeps in the woods.” He shuddered.

“Hullo - it did happen to me!” Peter said, “I was scared of rats before. Now I think they’re kind of cute, of course, but before… oh before they were quite horrid.”

James handed Sirius the pack of Bertie Bott’s and sat back down on his bed as Peter handed over the sheet. “It’s between you two now,” he said, gesturing to Peter and Sirius.

“Wish me luck, Moonpie, I’ll split half the chocolate I win,” Sirius declared and he flung himself over the gap between the beds so he was sitting opposite of Peter and grinned evilly. Remus stared longingly at the chocolate coins.

‘And if you lose?” he begged.

“I shan’t lose,” Sirius said, grabbing for the beans.

“You’re sure you want to go against the fat kid in a contest bloody all about eating?” Peter challenged.

James snickered, “What do you think, Rey? My money’s on Peter.”

“Mine too,” Remus laughed.

“Traitor,’ Sirius laughed, pointing at James, then to Remus, “And you - YOU!” He wagged his finger at Remus’s nose. “Rooting against your own bloody boyfriend!”

Remus said, “I’m sorry… but I’m for whoever has the most chocolate. And right now, that would be Peter.’

“DESERTED FOR CHOCOLATE!” Sirius pretended to swoon.

Desserted, don’t you mean?” James snickered.

The boys all cracked up.

The dormitory door suddenly was being banged upon and Sirius yelled, “C’MON IN AND WITNESS THE FAT KID LOOSE AN EATING GAME!”

The door opened and there stood Lily Evans.

“OHHhhhhhh,” Sirius cried looking at James with a great grin upon his face, “Look! It’s Evans and she’s in your bedroom, you great wanker! Are we starring in your fantasy? Is this what it’s like to be a figment of James Potter’s imagination?”

“Excuse me?” Lily asked, glancing among them all.

James’s face flushed, “NOTHING. He’s being stupid,” he said quickly. “What do you want, Evans?” he asked.

“I was asked by certain….dormitory neighbors… to inform you lot that you’re being far too loud and if you don’t shut it, Frank Longbottom is going to hex the lot of you,” Lily declared.

“FUCK YOU LONGBOTTOM, GO BUGGER A FILIBUSTER YOU TOAD!” Sirius yelled and he jumped up and banged his heels heavily against the floor.

Lily rolled her eyes. “Don’t be an idiot, Sirius.”

“Don’t be an idiot yourself!” Sirius replied.

Lily looked them over, “What eating contest were you about to win, Black? Most bullshit spewed from one mouth in a given time?” she challenged, grinning.

James’s mouth curved into a grin, “Oi Sirius, checkmate.”

Sirius’s eyes glowed, “Just a round of Bertie Bott’s love. You want in?”

Lily stared at the circus tent box as he shook it at her.

She could feel Remus and Peter and James’s eyes upon her as she contemplated, and Sirius’s grin shivered with amusement. So she grabbed the box, “Explain the rules?”

“You draw a bean, we read your chances, you decide if it’s worth the risk… you at the bean. If it’s the gros one and you spit it out, you lose, if you eat it, then Pete and I go and that goes on ‘til somebody’s a twat and spits it out and there’s only one of us remaining,” Sirius replied.

“And the prize?” Lily demanded.

“Bragging rights, darling,” Sirius said.

“And those chocolate coins there on the bed,” Remus said, pointing. “If Sirius wins, I get half.”

Lily grinned. “Alright.” She went over and pushed James aside and sat down next to him on his bed.

James looked rather like he might pass out.

Lily reached into the box of Bertie Bott’s, tucking her legs beneath herself as she sat and scrambled her fingers about for a few moments. She pulled her hands out to find she’d drawn an innocent looking pink one. She looked about and Remus, who had taken the sheet from Peter now, read aloud, “You’ve either drawn pink lemonade, or else…….” there was a long, dramatic pause, “A hot pepper.”

Lily made a face. “Ugh. Alright. I’ll do it.” She really couldn’t back down now! So she drew a deep breath. “That’s not so bad, yeah? A hot pepper?”

“They mean HOT!” emphasized Peter, who had gotten a hot pepper surprise once.

Lily cleared her throat, “Alright.” She closed her eyes and all four of the Marauders watched her as she opened her mouth and timidly dropped the bean onto her tongue. There was a pause and then Lily bit into the bean and they all leaned forward, expectantly…. And then… “Oh thank Merlin, it’s lemonade!” she laughed, a grin spreading over her lips.

“ALRIGHT EVANS!” James cried and he high-fived her, overly excited.

“Hey, you’re supposed to be rooting for me,” Peter said.

Sirius snorted, “Please, Wormtail. Potter’s not gonna root for anyone that isn’t Evans s’long as Evans is playing.” James flushed nearly as pink as Lily’s bean had been. Sirius continued, “Prongs has a thing for nice racks.”

Remus closed his eyes as everyone else - including Lily - started laughing. “I’m so sorry,” Remus said to Lily, his cheeks red. “He’s filthy.”

“I may have tourettes, Evans.”

James said, “He’s right, doe.”

Lily shook her head, “Honestly!” Then, after a pause, “I’m staggered by your dirty minds.”

Sirius’s eyes twinkled, “We’re really bucked up, Evans.”

“I know you think you’re fawny, but you’re just not,” Lily said.

“It really behooves me how not funny we are, Evans, I apologize,” Sirius said, smirking.

“You’ve broken my hart,” Lily said in a challenging tone.

“I’m sorry, deer,” Sirius answered.

“Whatever,” Lily said, “I’ll just have to put it behind me.”

Sirius stared at her for several long moments… and the longer the pause became, the wider Lily’s grin got, until finally Sirius cried, “Well fuck!”

“I WIN!” Lily cried, “I WON THE PUN GAME!” She turned to James and highfived him again.

James looked as elated as if he’d won the bloody lottery.

Suddenly the door opened again and there in the frame stood Frank Longbottom. He stared about at them. “Evans, we sent you up here so you could shut them up. Not encourage it!”

Lily smirked, “Sorry Frank. You know what they say, though. If you can’t beat them, join them.”

Frank shook his head. “You’re weak, Evans.”

“Careful Frank or I’ll turn you to a toad!” laughed Sirius and he flickered his wand at Frank’s general direction, “I got an Outstanding on my Transfiguration O.W.L., after all, I could do it if I wanted to!”

“Yeah Frank, don’t go starting any roes,” Lily said.

All four Marauders started laughing - James so hard he was crying - and Lily just grinned at Frank as he shook his head and backed out of the room, pulling the door shut before Sirius decided to actually turn him into a toad or something.

“Blodoy hell, she’s one of them.” Frank murmured as the door jam clicked shut and he heard Sirius shout out --

“AND I THOUGHT WE’D SAID THEM ALL!”