Underneath The Stars

Look at the stars

Look how they’re shining for you.

“Yellow”, Coldplay

“Bri? Can I ask you a question?” Nick’s voice broke the silence as he lay on the grass with his head placed comfortably on Brian’s chest as notes of soft music, played by the stereo from the living room, were carried through and out the windows left open in that summer warm night.

“Mh. What do you want to know?” Brian just mumbled, his eyes half - closed as his arm, mindlessly, pressed Nick’s body a little closer to his.

That was Brian’s definition of peace, something so rare and that didn’t happen as often as he would have loved: just the two of them, lying on the grass of their backyard and stargazing to a night that gave the effect of having pulled out all its brightest and shining stars, along with the fullest moon ever, just for them. Just for that special occasion, as if it didn’t want to make even more bitter and hard a goodbye that was looming behind their backs along with the sleeping sun and daylight.

That was Brian’s definition of peace, that house that he and Nick had searched and brought together, so outside the town and completely surrounded by a small wood that made it quite impossible for other people to peer through the gates: that was his safe haven; the refuge where, in reality, he didn’t have to hide because there was no need to keep on his mask and that illusion that made him like everyone else. There Brian could be himself, those two conflicted part of himself finally free to meet and blend into one because there was someone who loved both of them, equally and with no difficulties to accept him. And his wings, which were now sprawled on the grass as a blanket and fluttering now and then to create a soft breeze that ruffled Nick’s hair and the heads of the flowers around them.   

“Why are we lying on the grass…”

“You mean the one you were supposed to water?” Brian interrupted Nick almost immediately, though his voice had a  playful tone and his eyebrow half arched amused and curios.

“Supposed to?” Nick stressed those words, his lips frowned with lines of confusion because he couldn’t dig that particular detail up from his mind. Something weird and strange would usually happen when Brian talked to him: the way his lips would move, the tip of his tongue licking the skin if he had been talking for long and his voice alone, a delicious melody that reminded him of everything that was sweet in the world, all of these things combined would make Nick forget about what he was saying and just made him staring like an art enthusiast would do in front of the most beautiful painting or statue. Or more like a goldfish gasping for air and oxygen.

“Yep. Remember? We made a deal when we bought this house: I’d mow the grass if you would water it every day.”

Nick’s lips shaped into an “o” as that particular memory came back to life as if it had been a late train. He totally remembered that day for it had been one of the happiest, one of the many and many times happiness finally recognized that he existed and it had appeared hand in hand with Brian. But his memories were half alive, blurred images clouded by all those tingling feelings that he might have promised the world just so that they could start live together. In fact, now that he was digging and finding out more about that day, he remembered that he had promised, enthusiastically too, to always dry the dishes after every meals.  

“Well… I wanted to, of course, but… - Nick stumbled with his words, trying to find the perfect lie because Brian was so good at unmasking them: he would pick layer after layer until only the truth would remain, naked and plain to see. There was the option of telling it before Brian would discover it on his own, which was that he had indeed forgot about the whole watering deal affair and decided to go out and pick up some ice-cream, especially the one Brian loved. But Nick knew Brian and he would probably come up with something like that he could have done both so he decided on keep playing the fool’s card. - Didn’t we buy those automatic things that should water it every afternoon?”

“Yes, we did. But you broke one and I recall someone saying that he would go and buy it today. Instead…”

Oh. Double oh and Nick wanted to slam his hand against his face if he wasn’t that comfortable keeping it against Brian’s ribcage. That was what he should have done that day! Yet, his excuse and justifications could still stand so he decided to use it as his last weapon of defense.

“... Instead I went and bought your favorite ice-cream.” Nick interrupted Brian, leaning over so he could leave a butterfly kiss on the tip of his nose before taking back his position. But he couldn’t help himself from leaving a trail of those wings of kisses down his neck and resting, finally, upon Brian’s chest.

“Yes, you did. - Brian did have to surrender, a warm smile on his face for the tender gesture of his boyfriend. - And I think that I had thanked you enough for that." A malicious note made its way through Brian’s voice, a silver ringing that made Nick blush and giggle at the memory of how that ice cream got used. And that was a memory that wasn’t going to be forgotten or tossed in the farthest corner of his mind; on the contrary, Nick promised himself to always have one in their freezer for welcoming Brian back when he would return from his trip.

“Oh… you did. - Nick replied, his finger tracing the line of Brian’s hip under the white shirt he was wearing. - But, as I was saying before someone stopped me without a real purpose, why are we lying on the grass when we have those chairs and that porch swing that you wanted so badly that we had to go to three different stores just to find it?”

In Brian’s defense, Nick had to admit that it was a beautiful and unique swing, one that one wouldn’t see often in stores but had to search for it: made of white iron, its armrests had been curved and worked until they resembled a pair of small wings. Nick loved sitting there during Brian’s absence, his fingertips caressing those lines and almost imagining that he was caressing Brian’s instead, though it was totally not the same thing.

Brian couldn’t help but smile, feeling a butterfly flapping its wings inside his heart as he reminded himself how lucky he had been when he had fallen in love with a guy like Nick. Because there wasn’t anyone quite like him, someone who could forget about bigger things but then take out a memory so strange and useless; someone who had tried to act frustrated and bored every time Brian would drag him into a store and get out as soon as he realized that he wouldn’t be able to find what he was looking for; someone who had filled that day with pouts, frowns and over dramatic sighs but, secretly, hadn’t minded driving all around the town just to witness the way his eyes sparkled the moment he had found that porch swing and had literally jumped into Nick’s arms, thanking him for being patient.

Yes, Brian had been lucky because he had probably found the only human who hadn’t run to report him as soon as he had found out that he actually didn’t belong to that world; he had been lucky because Brian knew how much Nick loved explaining to him all those human things that he had never seen before or hadn’t been able to study up in his world. And Nick wasn’t too shy to admit that he actually loved to go and search for things that Brian didn’t know so that he could see his face light up with excitement, his blue eyes turning into a shade so clear and bright that there wasn’t a real color that could define it, as he studied this new object or read him a book that he had never heard of. He loved those moments because Brian would lower down his defenses and just be himself, an over excited angel who loved everything of the human world, as if discovering and adding those pieces of information would and could make him feel more in tune with the other part of himself, that part that he shared with Nick and that Nick always tended to forget.

“I’m half angel. - Brian always objected, as if that detail was going to change the fact that he had those wings attached to his back, the fact that he could fly and could travel back and forth between planets and other solar systems. - If I was only an angel, a pure angel, human food would probably have killed me before contracting all the illness and diseases possible. And let’s not go over your cooking skills!”

“Hey! – Nick had objected to that last sentence, faking to be hurt by those words when, in reality, he was well aware how bad his relationship with cooking was. – I’ve managed to survive until now on my own!”

“And that’s what I call a miracle!” Brian had replied, stepping on his tip toes and stopping every comeback by locking Nick’s lips in a tender and sweet kiss.

No one would ever be able to guess Brian’s true nature for his looks and appearance were the same of a normal guy, the one living next door and that one would casually see while walking the street or bump into in a shop; Brian was that guy that would always have that warm smile so big that it would curve his lips until they reached those bright and shining eyes, full of life and will to experience it at its fullest; Brian was one of the good guys, those people who always tried their hardest to be positive and happy, the ones always ready and willing to lend a hand in case of need and that never ceased to make sure that no one would be pushed back and forgotten. With his sand blonde hair, that kind of shade that belonged to the sunny days in the Southern parts of the world; that pale skin that would turn into a combination of amber and gold that had the taste of honey and sunflowers, Brian could certainly defined as a beautiful boy and no one would ever suspects that a magic trick, an illusion impossible to describe and decipher, hid that not so small detail that even Nick was so quick and eager to forget. But it was that singularity that held, between its silver and white feathers, a cauldron full of every and each fear, doubt and insecurity that a boy like Nick had tried so hard to push down, so down and deep because there had to be a reason if Brian, among all the people in the world, no, the universe, had chosen him, a guy who had barely managed to survive those first years of his life and was far from being mature and liable, to love and adore as if he was the one special, the one that had to be treasured and admired as if he was a divinity. Nick had wondered so many times why he had been so lucky and he had never been able to come up with a single answer, aside from being some sort of reward of all the hurt, pain and heartache he had to endure in the past; yet, that never seemed enough, especially when he would find himself staring at Brian’s wings, at the way he would always put himself in the line of danger just to save another one of his kind or just a stranger that would never be able to thank him; or when he would find himself wrapped inside Brian’s love, so infinite and endless that a little voice, so small yet so spiteful, would reminded him that he couldn’t deserve it, that he couldn’t be worth of that love if his own parents had scarred his heart with resentment and fake love.

“Why me?” Once Nick had asked Brian, his voice trembling for the fear of being told how stupid he was for even raising that question, afraid of being told that he had been just an experiment, something to play and have fun with before going back to his real world. And, maybe and most probably, back to Brian’s real lover, another perfect angel that was able to take care of him in ways that Nick couldn’t even begin to imagine. Though he was willing to try, to learn. To be better, aiming for a perfection that they both knew it didn’t exist but that wasn’t going to stop Nick for trying.

“Why you what? - Brian had replied distractedly, since he had been busy with trying to understand how the washing machine worked, his frustration being made noted by the way his wings would puff and move all around the room. He had given up, raising and turning his head towards Nick with a kittenish grin. – Were you wondering why am I not asking you to help me?”

“No. - Nick had replied, still blinded by Brian’s beauty when he let himself be free to be who he was. When he let his beautiful wings appear and Nick couldn’t help but stare and be mesmerized by every little single feather, every shade and how they moved so graceful, without breaking things. The total and complete opposite of him, who was able to make a mess without even trying to, just walking and bumping into things and scatter them all around the floor. - Why did you choose me? Why do you love me, a stupid and awkward human, when you can have… someone better?” He hadn’t been able to stop, Nick, the sob that had come out at the end even though it had sounded strangled, as if each muscle had tried so hard to hold it back, to kill it before it could ruin and destroy any chances Nick had left.

But it had been that sob, and the emotional distress and insecurity that it was filled with, that had made Brian interrupt what he was doing and come closer to Nick; for a few moments he just stood there and stared at the boy, the man, the human that had stolen his heart the very first moment their eyes had met, a longing to wrap his wings around that tall and slim frame and, at the same time, the desire to ask him the same question: Why had Nick chosen him, a weird and strange creature that didn’t know exactly where it belonged or if there was someplace where it could? Why had Nick decided to put himself in that difficult relationship, something that could ruin his reputation if his secret would be revealed? Because fear and doubt had been living inside Brian’s soul too, dressed up with clothes of false confidence and security as he was never sure if Nick would be waiting for him every time he had to go back to his world, feeling as he was leaving behind a part of himself.

At the end, Brian had just closed the distance between them and had placed his hand on Nick’s cheek, who had immediately leaned in just like a cat, taking the warmth comfort and reassurance that those blue eyes could convey with just one gaze, that one that was reserved only for his eyes, and stored them within his soul. He had felt stupid at the moment, seeing and watching Brian’s love burning so vividly and fiercely, feeling its intensity running through his veins and soul as if he had been hit by a thunder. He had wanted to take back those words but, still, there had been a part of him that kept wanting to hear what Brian would say; kept needing to be reassured that being loved by an angel was all real and not just a fragment of his crazy and big imagination.

Brian hadn’t replied straightaway but had used those silent moments to say and make Nick feel all he could and would never be able to say with his voice, even using all those languages he had learned as part of his education. He had stayed silent, staring at Nick and caressing his skin with the tip of his fingers, trying to choose the perfect words to make Nick understand that there would always be only one answer to that question. Without doubt or uncertainty.

“I love you, that’s the only reason. I love you and I choose you every day, even when you drive me so crazy because you can’t remember half of the things you promised me. I love you and I don’t care if here on Earth or back at my world there is someone better. I wouldn’t choose them anyway because they would never be able to love me the way you do, the way you love both sides of me: you don’t see me as half of a human or half as angel. You see me as Brian, a guy who happens to have a pair of wings on his back. You see me special because you love me, because you have decided that I was worth to be part of your life and see the real Nick, even when you didn’t know who I was aside for the fact that I was your new neighbor.” A quick and soft smile had curved Brian’s lips, reminiscing the memory of how they had met for the first time as his eyes looked around and caught that jar of sugar that had made everything possible.

Nick hadn’t been able to keep from smiling too, though his eyes had started to be filled with tears, his vision clouded and, yet, all he had been able to see clearly had been just a man that loved him and wasn’t afraid of admitting, of repeating over and over again instead of laughing in front of his stupid and ridicule insecurity. And it had been in that moment that Nick had understood that even Brian, even an angel, had been hiding an insecurity that, now out in the open, looked like a bubble so small and so easy to reach out and burst with just a few words.

“I chose you because you didn’t run away when I showed you my wings. You didn’t and still don’t see me as something weird, something that should belong to a circus or… worse… - Brian’s voice had trailed off, his eyes suddenly closing as if he had  wanted to block images and stories that he had been told by others half angels. Nick sensed that tremble, a shiver that had nothing to do with being that close or just that reaction that always sparked when their bodies were pressed together. It was something so much deeper and scarier, some kind of fear that he could understand only on the surface but would never be able to find the words or a cure to heal it completely. He had been left alone, laughed at because he had been different from children and boys of his age, but he had never gone through what Brian had managed to tell him and that always sparked a sense of protection and sense of defend that small man he was holding, maybe a little bit tighter because his own heart and soul clenched and struggled with the pain of fear that something like that could had happened even to his angel. He had pressed his lips on Brian’s temple, soft and tender touches that, for a moment, had stopped their conversation and froze them in that act of reassurance and comfort that Brian needed, even if he hadn’t said anything; his hands had left Brian’s hip and had travelled up until they had found those feathers that some might believed that belonged to a sort of monster, a bizarre creature that needed to be studied instead than loved. For those feathers, to Nick, were and would always been as soft and normal as human skin. – You love me for who I am. And I love for who you are, no matter what that little and stupid voice in your mind keeps telling you the opposite.” Brian’s voice had trembled for a fragment of second, half because of that moment of weakness that rarely happened and half because he knew how much Nick needed to hear those words. And that tremble had been because his voice hadn’t been able to hold so much love and conviction, determination and resolution.

Nick had shook his head, as if his mind couldn’t accept that love so confident and determined without trying to search for any clues of a lie underneath it. There must had been, that was what that voice had always swished crudely to his ears for no one, especially an angel like Brian, would loved him after everything Nick had shared and told.

“Sometimes it’s hard not to listen to it. -  Nick had whispered back in a broken voice, eyes down casted because he hadn’t wanted Brian to see the embarrassment and the sadness that still haunted him every day. – Sometimes it’s hard to believe that you’ll come back to me instead than keep flying as far as possible from me and my demons.” Brian had known about them since the beginning, part because it had been Nick’s sorrow and sadness to draw him closer and closer, having stirred that need and desire to make Nick smile because the world had always been a little bit more beautiful when his eyes were shining with happiness and joy. Those demons weren’t that strong anymore, Nick had to admit: Brian had fought and won that fear of letting someone inside his heart, letting someone see all the scattered and shattered pieces of his soul and never had he imagined that they would turned out to be loved. To be treasured, as much as Brian loved and treasured Nick.

Roles had changed quickly, putting Brian as the one giving out comfort while Nick hiding in their embrace to gather as much as warmth and love possible: Brian had to step on his tip toes just to be able to brush his lips on the corner of Nick’s mouth, mumbling and whispering words in a language that Nick couldn’t understand but he had bet it was some sort of magic trick because they always seemed to soothe and heal those old scars that had tried to wake up and stir a new fight.  

“Yes. – Brian had pronounced out loud, placing his finger under Nick’s chin so that he had been able to look him in the eyes. So that Nick would know and read the truth flashing with red and fiery flames inside Brian’s eyes. - I love you and want you even with your shattered and broken pieces. And you know why?”

Nick hadn’t been able to reply, shaking his head and biting down his lips to prevent that his tears would escape.

“Because they made you stronger. They made you the man you are now, the Nick that I immediately fell in love with.”

The memory started to fade as their ghosts from the past broke the last inches of distances and locked their promises of love in a kiss; yet, Brian’s words still lingered around Nick’s mind, aware that he still doubted himself and still couldn’t believe in being the special one. Perhaps the truth was that they both were special, for the simple reason that they were able to see behind the appearance and the differences because Brian was right: his wings had never been a problem to Nick, except those first moments of shock and surprise; they actually made sense, to him, because Brian’s heart was so big that he had needed an extra pair of arms to be able to give out all the love he had inside. Or to bear all the weight of what he had gone through, what he had witnessed and what was happening back at his world, though he barely spoke about it and never really explained to Nick what his role and mission was. He had sensed it must be something important, for sometimes the weight of that situation would appear on Brian’s face, lines and frowns that made him look wiser and older, so much older than his age; a sad shadow would cloud his eyes, turning the blue into a dark grey that made Nick shiver because it tasted as a terrible storm, one that would leave ruins and broken things behind its passage. But those were only flashes that Nick had managed to catch when Brian wasn’t aware of being observed because, when they were together, every frowns and problems seemed to be forgotten and his face would relax, Brian himself would relax and turn into that normal and careless guy that wanted nothing more than live and taste that love he had found.

Just like in that moment.

The bright moonlight casted shades of silver beams upon Brian’s features, highlighting those lines and that porcelain skin that made him look like a statue, one of those Greek Gods that everyone could only stare and admire for their beauty; his blue eyes shone as if they had stole a bunch of stars from the sky, a deep and endless pool of blue where Nick would be willing to surrender his soul because its waves were made of love, that pure and endless love that poets and writers have wrote and declared for centuries. And then, at the end, there were those amazing and beautiful wings that were so much part of Brian that Nick had learned to treat as if they were frail and precious bones, silver feathers that needed to be smoothen every day and that had revealed to be Brian’s most sensible point.

A bubble of laugh started to born inside Brian’s throat, the air around filled with that emotion that was so hard to define and determine: it wasn’t just simple satisfaction, that being totally comfortable with someone else that even being sprawled out on the grass seemed something so normal. It was happiness, a nest that butterflies had built within his heart and soul, declaring that there wasn’t any other place where he could be that happy and content but Nick’s side. It was happiness and Brian had never felt so happier, something that he had never felt when he lived up there, aside from those moments when he was free to fly, its wings brushed by the wind and the sun standing so close that he could touch it, if he didn’t know better.

“Well, there are two reasons. One is that we can’t watch this amazing sky full of stars if we stayed on the chairs; the second is that, if we were sitting there, I couldn’t do something that you love so much…” Brian’s voice trailed off, leaving in the air the rest of his sentence for he knew that Nick would understand perfectly what he was referring to. Yet, Brian didn’t leave a chance to Nick to say or comment about it: still keeping their bodies so close together, his left wing traced the line of Nick’s spine, soft and light touches that had the appearance and substance of small kisses as Brian waited patiently for the man’s reaction: he felt it under his fingertips, that hand placed on that small place where the back made a sort of arch, a sort of valley waiting to be filled with trembles and shivers instead than fresh water.

Nick couldn’t resist that touch, even if he wanted or if his life depended on his resistance. He had never been able to, not since the first time his fingers had came in contact with those feather, setting up a fire that burned every single cell of his nervous system and made him stumbled, fallen and gone utterly mad in love with that beautiful and amazing creature. His whole body craved it, longed as if it was that kind of drug that didn’t leave any damage behind it but, still, managed to get and suck him into that void of pleasure and love that was rare and unique, because it didn’t belong to this world. Nick couldn’t resist that touch and, as predicted, shivers and trembles started to run up and down nerves and fibers, setting up fireworks and making Nick’s whole body shudder.

“Why are you always right?” Nick managed to say, his tone breathless and his lips moved closer to Brian’s jaw line.

“They made him like that.” Brian replied, covering Nick’s body with his wing as a first breath of cold air started to dance around them. It was something strange because cold had stopped bothering Nick long ago, the exact moment when Brian had first put his arms around his waist and showed and made him feel a warmth that went beyond the physical temperature: it had been as if Brian had set a fire inside his soul, a never ending burning that melt all the iced and cold barriers Nick had put up around his heart so he wouldn't be hurt again, he wouldn’t feel again that emotion that started so beautiful but always ended as torture and pain. Brian had changed all of that, Brian had made him alive again and now letting himself free to feel and taste love weren’t dangerous anymore, being close to someone wasn’t dangerous or poisonous again. Instead, being held and covered by Brian’s wings felt like being protected, being loved and being treasured as something precious in the same way Nick loved to held the other man with his arms, knowing that love and warmth didn’t need wings to reach out and envelope Brian’s heart.

“They made you perfect, then. Too perfect, that’s why they don’t want to let you stay here with me. -  Nick said with a little tone of sadness inside his voice. Because Brian was leaving soon, sooner that he was ready to accept and be comfortable with it, and there was nothing that he could say or do to make him stay. Or for them to stay like that, bundled up together as they watch those stars and that moon that Brian had already seen up close, well,  actually visited, since a small piece of lunar rock had made its way inside their bedroom, resting upon all those marvelous and strange gifts that Brian always took with him after every trip. - Are really like that? The stars, I mean. Are they so bright and shining even from your world?”

Brian caressed Nick’s blonde hair, taking a lock between his fingers and starting to play with it. He didn’t want to leave too, both that world and Nick, especially Nick. But he had to, it was part of the deal and promise he made so that he would be allowed to come back after every meeting and discussion, although they all started to melt and turn into fights that would only lead to the one thing Brian wanted to avoid. Sadness filled his soul, taking the appearance of cold fingers that wanted to hug his heart, and he wished for a way to take Nick with him, take him somewhere where they could be without anyone else knowing. Hiding, that was the word the humans would use to describe their escape. Running and hiding seemed too tempting and attracting and, maybe, that was the reason behind that meaningless question: a distraction, something to his the mind away from that deadline that was looming above them, sitting behind the moon so that they couldn’t see it although they were still well aware of its presence. So Brian followed Nick’s lead, his memory going back to his first year of travelling and how exciting it had been being able to do that on his own, without any of the Elders and their boring meeting with others populations and races; he adjusted his position, placing an arm behind his head and letting his eyes following constellation and the shadows of those planets and universe that the humans still didn’t know nothing about them.

“I went there. On the stars. After I learned to fly, travelling has been my only one desire…”

“Wait! - Nick exclaimed, sitting up so he could look straight into Brian’s face. - Learn to fly? Isn’t it something like…? I don’t know, natural for angels?” Disbelief and curiosity were latched into Nick’s tone, as well as their expressions were new lights and shadows on his face. Brian’s other life was still a mystery to him and not because Brian wanted to keep it as a secret or because he didn’t trust Nick; actually, most of the times it was Brian the one starting to tell him stories about his past or the world where he came from, snippets of a life that was so different and, at the same time, so similar to the one Nick had lived on Earth.

“But I’m half human, you keep forgetting this small detail.”

“So? What does it mean? You’ve never explained what it means to be both human and angel, apart from having a pair of wings and have another home somewhere in the universe.” It was Nick’s reply, curiosity spiking up at the highest level as a little kid was finally getting allowance to something so secret and mysterious.

“It’s not that complicated. Well, it is if I start telling you the whole history of my race and when and why they have decided to mix with the humans… but we don’t have much time and I don’t wanna waste it. - Brian stopped for a moment, a frown creasing his forehead as he tried to find the best way to explain… well, and his own childhood in the simplest way possible. - All pure angels are born with the capacity and the ability to fly as soon as they are old enough, which is the within their first year of life; a half human angel, on the other hand, doesn’t have this ability right from the start. It’s like for humans too, you had to crawl before you learned to walk right? The same can be said about us, about me: I had to learn flying and it’s an experience totally different from the other angels. For them, flying and visiting other worlds is something normal, nothing more than walking by the street and meet with their neighbors. Being half human means that I have their amazing and unique curiosity for everything: I looked at the stars and wondered how it would feel walking on their surface. I looked at the moon and the sun and I wondered how they could shine and burn, although it’s pretty cold when you step inside the moon’s atmosphere. And then… then there was this magical sphere, with so many bright lights, its different shades of blue and green and brown. I wanted so badly to come here, I was attracted to because it was half of my legacy and because of all the books I’ve read about it. I’ve never thought living here would be so... “ Brian trailed off, unable to find a word that could convey his emotions and feelings from the first moment he step foot on Earth.

“So dull?” Nick asked, not sure why someone like Brian, someone who had been and had visited the outer space, could still be so amazed by Earth, his eyes glimmering and shining with a passion and an astonishment that hadn’t diminished during the time he actually lived there.  

“Here is anything but dull. Here you can look up to the sky and understand why so many wise men spent their whole lives with their eyes up, searching and trying to understand why the stars shine so brightly. Or what are the appeal and the magnetism that the Moon held over oceans and seas. The sky isn’t like this from my world. It’s dark and too much perfect. Plus, it hasn’t the one thing that makes Earth the centre of my whole existence. - Brian looked straight into Nick’s eyes, a gaze that Nick felt burning deep down into his soul, that part of himself that had been found and discovered only thanks to Brian’s patient and tender love. Brian looked straight into Nick’s eyes and saw stars and planets, satellites and a universe that he was the only one allowed to discover and travel through its constellations until he would and could reach that burning and pulsating heart that attracted him more than any other magnets. To protect that heart, to be sure that no one would ever be able to pass through his barriers and hurt it irreparably, Brian was more than ready and willing to do everything, even giving up half of himself. - You. Nick Gene Carter, you’re the mere reason why this planet is so precious and beautiful. You make it beautiful. You make it impossible for me to stay away and never come back.”

Nick had long lost faith and trust in words and promises, for too many people had used them to lure him into traps and hurt him in ways that were still visible on a soul shattered and full of scars: his family, those people who were supposed to love him no matter what and, instead, loved him only when it was convenient and useful; friends that turned out to be enemies when he tried to get closer and find that security and affection that no one had ever gifted him in the years before. Love, especially, had always been some kind of monster dressed up as a dream and illusion: before Brian, before that half angel had decided to fly into his zone, that word had long lost its meaning, becoming only an assemble of vocals and sounds that could hurt if he let them close to him once again.  

Brian had all changed it. Little by little, step after step, he had managed to give him back faith and trust in believing in those words and in that feeling that was blossoming within his heart and that he wanted so badly to live it without fears and doubts. Brian had changed it because now Nick could believe him when he said those words, when he talked about how he was his world and his entire existence because the same could be said about him; now Nick could believe Brian because he said those things, he pronounced those words with such a genuine honesty and love was pouring from each words as if it was the sweetest of the honey. And he could see it, especially. Nick could see it in Brian’s eyes, in how they looked like they were the ones holding a universe of stars and planets, shining brightly more than the moon and the sun.

No sounds came from Nick’s mouth, his voice lost in a struggle with strings of passion and love that wanted to trap it in a web and not letting anything out, not even air and oxygen. But words, in that moment, didn’t matter, especially since Nick had never been that good with them, though he had tried so badly and so hard to become a better and smarter person. But, on the contrary, there was something he was really good at and it was with body language: in a sudden move, that didn’t take Brian by surprise, Nick was on top of the guy, their bodies pressed so close to each other that each and every moves melted into one single dance; Nick’s lips found Brian’s and locked them in a kiss, a first soft touch that couldn’t held back all the passion and love that Nick wanted Brian to feel. Brian’s wings locked them into a blanket of silver and white feathers, though none of them noticed the change of light because all they could see was each other’s eyes, the way they seemed even brighter and more shining, small stars that only love could create between two hearts and souls that, though different in so many and impossible ways, have found each other and decided to become one; Brian’s hands sneaked under Nick’s shirt, sliding against the cool skin and feeling those goose bumps being brought to life after fingertips pressed and kissed, in their own way, bundles of nerves and pleasures. Time stood still for a moment, entering in an infinite loop when minutes and seconds didn't have a reason to exist because only touches, caresses and kisses counted and each one of them was just a closer step to that moment when nothing would matter anymore, when there would be only two hearts and two bodies so intertwined together that there was no separation, just one pulsating soul covered and protected by silver feathers.

Stars and moon were still there, shining and as if they had been looked and observed that magical union, when Nick rested his head against Brian's chest, a leg linked under one of his and that pulse that was still burning, as if it didn't want to fade away and became just another memory written down on his soul.

“I wish we could stay like this forever, you know? - Brian whispered in a rough tone, his voice still echoing the precious seconds and minutes just passed by between them. - Here is where I can be me, without wondering if I should hide one part of myself or not.” Here meant staying within Nick’s arms; here meant being one with Nick, feeling him so deep inside him that, when they were apart, it felt like there was a hole because something vital and essential was missing; here meant that bubble they had created, that imaginary place where Nick would be able to live forever too so that Brian would never had to feel and live without him by his side. A cold shiver ran through his spine, making him recoil and wrap himself even tighter around that warm, oh so warm and alive, body.

“Then stay. - Nick simply answered, placing his lips on Brian’s skin and leaving a trail of butterfly kisses, following the lines of bones and goose bumps that still had the energy to live make themselves appear. - Don’t go.”

Brian sighed, nuzzling his nose among that blonde hair that resembled the perfect shade of golden and could it be that same as the sun. “I can’t. If I want to come back, I have to go and…” He trailed off, not wanting to spoil the atmosphere with stories of politics and discussions that were only going to lead to one thing, that thing that Brian didn’t want to think about in that very precise moment. It didn’t matter if he belonged to a different race and if he lived in another universe, one where the stars didn’t shine so brightly and where the Earth looked like the most beautiful place to live: some things didn’t change and his home, or what used to be his home, was on the verge of a war and he didn’t want to think about the consequences if the other part, the pure Angels, would win. Actually, he could and that was the main reason why he didn’t want to share that burden with Nick: it would tear him apart, destroy and shatter all those walls of confidence and trust that the man had managed to build through and thanks to their love. It would shatter him too, Brian added at the list because losing would define and determine an end that he didn’t even want to consider.

Tenderness and softness took place of those caresses that, just mere seconds before, created fireworks of pleasure, sensing the change of emotions and mood in Brian. He propped himself up, leaning all his weight on the elbow and tried not to be taken away by the way the silver light of the moon made Brian’s skin look like ebony. “How bad is it? - He asked in the most serious tone he could muster. He didn’t need details. He didn’t need explanations, nor when he barely paid attention to what was happening in his own country, let alone his planet. He just wanted to know if it was safe, for Brian, staying with him. - Are you breaking some kind of rule?”

“We don’t have to talk about it. - Brian tried to dismiss the question, placing his hand on Nick’s cheek. - I’m gonna be okay. I just have to go back for awhile and be part of too many boring meetings.” Brian tried to smile but it never reached his eyes, it never held that reassurance and comfort able to chase away demons and fears hunting Nick in that moment.

Hunting both of them.

“Bri, just… I don’t wanna lose you, okay?  - Nick said in a pleading voice mixed with tears and a pain so vivid and real, almost touchable if Brian would have been an empath. Yet, it was there and it was impossible not to feel it, right there in the chest, counter striking every beat of his heart with the intensity of a stab. A slow and precise stab through his heart. - And I don’t want you to lose your home, your family because of me. I’m not…” Nick couldn’t end that sentence, the mere thought of losing Brian was a tight string wrapped around his neck that squeezed, squeezed until he couldn’t physically breathe. Brian was his everything, Brian was all he had in a world that had taught him, in a very hard way, that he wasn’t and would never be worth of something so precious like love. Or like having someone always caring and looking after him. Brian was everything he had thought he was never going to have because not everyone deserved or were lucky enough to find not only love but their soul mate too. On top of everything, Nick got an angel too and it was hard, so damn hard and impossible some mornings saying to him that he deserved this, he deserved Brian and  that he was worth being loved by that special being.

Brian knew. Brian knew all about Nick’s fears, those voices that always came back stronger and more vicious every time he was about to leave for who knew how long. And this time he had a feeling it was going to be much longer than before because there was so much at stake. But, in that moment, politics and wars were the last things on his mind; those matters faded away whenever he found himself staring at those eyes that seemed to hold all the pain and insecurities that could be find on Earth: whenever he saw those lines, whenever he felt that pain as if it was his too, Brian would gladly go after all those people who had hurt Nick in his life and made him feel like that, like he didn’t have to dare to have something so small yet so precious as love.  

“Yes, you are. - Brian stated determinedly and as something that couldn’t be objected. He took Nick’s face in his hands, bringing it so close to his that they could feel each other’s breathing on their skin. - You are that important. Worthy. You deserve this, more than anyone else in the world and universe.”

“And you did meet every single person on Earth to be so sure of that?” Nick tried to joke, though his words were wet of tears that were trying to battle and fight to come out.

“More or less. - Brian replied with a chuckle, finally able to make a smile appear on Nick’s face. He kissed it, he kissed those curved lips, soft and tender caresses that underlined how true his words were. - And if it would ever come to decide between staying here and going back home, I already know my decision. I don’t care about what would cost me, I don’t care if it will mean losing my wings. I will always choose you, Nick. Home is where I can be with you. Forever.”

And it wouldn’t be really a sacrifice, Brian thought but didn’t decide to share with Nick, because his immortality had been a topic that they never touched, not even for a single second, like it was a detail of minor importance. And it was, at least for Brian: immortality might be, might look as something amazing, the endless chance to live and never die. But no one ever thought of the other side of that gift, the dreaded image of never getting older while everyone he loved would grow, would become old and, in the end, die. Brian would choose to lose that gift in a blink, quicker than a heartbeat and faster than a breath. Immortality meant loneliness. Immortality meant that, someday in the future, he was going to live in a world where Nick wasn’t there anymore… A shiver made his neck tingled at that thought, a cold sensation as if icy fingers had suddenly appeared out of the blue and leaned on his skin, foreshadowing what his future would be, walking through life half of all he had ever been, emptied of everything because nothing could ever make sense without that love burning so strongly inside him and those blue eyes staring back at him full of life and passion. No, choosing one life over another was never going to be a hard decision and it was the only one Brian would never regret or thought over with a heavy heart.

A long pause of silence filled the space between them, a heavy blanket whose threads were made of words and meanings that Nick wanted to touch but didn’t know how to use them. It seemed as if he had been thrown in a book, one of those novels where big promises were embraced with a long and infinite kiss, big eyes sparkling with joy and happiness and bodies ready to bind those words as if they automatically offered a happy ending with no darks spots or shadows. Nick craved so badly to ask, demand Brian if he had really reflected on all the things he was going to sacrifice because of him, because of a stupid and human boy who could and would never be able to live up to this decision; a part of Nick was actually scared about those words, weights that hunched his shoulders and made it hard to breath, chains that bound his wrists into something that could destroy him if something would go wrong. If Brian, one day, would decide that he had never been worth that sacrifice, leaving him in a corner lonely and alone because how would he be able to love again after Brian? The plea to Brian to take back that promise was on the tip of his tongue, only his voice didn’t want to play its role and vocalize it loudly and strongly, as if a bundle of strings was holding it prisoner and didn’t want to let it be free. It was too much to bear, it was too much to take in, especially all those small and meaningful promises that lied underneath Brian’s declaration. It was too much to believe, trust Brian when he implied that he was worth wars and losses, compromises and turning his back to a world that, between ups and downs and through thin and thick, had played an essential part.

And then, somewhere deep inside his soul and heart, a question started to raise its head: would Nick ever be able to do the same? Would Nick ever be willing to give up a part of him so that he could stay and live forever with the person he loved?

“Yes.”

That simple answer blossomed from Nick’s heart as a flower would do under the summer sun, caressed and carried away by the gentle and honey scented breeze so that everyone would see and admire it. Even though he didn’t have much to offer and, so, to lose, there was no doubt that Nick would do the same for Brian, if their positions should ever shift and change. He would be willing to lose his own humanity, what made him a human being and part of Earth, if it meant to be able to follow Brian up where he once lived and start over.  

Nick could hear it in his mind, a voice that sounded so much like Brian’s, soft and warm just like a day at the beach and the waves of the sea rushing up to tickle the toes of the feet. Reassurance melted inside wisdom, silver and golden drops that relieved and took away all those weights and baggage about sacrifice and losing something that no one could take it back ever again.

“It’s not a high price to pay, Nick. - Brian argued out loud, as if he had been able to read that merry-go-round of thoughts swirling and twirling inside Nick’s mind. - Don’t think it as something that I would regret, something that I’m going to miss like an arm or a part of my body. They’re wings and, yes, it’s cool to fly and I love the fact that you’ve learned so quickly on how to look after them…”

A blush appeared on Nick’s cheeks, both for embarrassment and affection. Pride, almost, because there was nothing more that he loved most that making sure that there wasn’t any ruffled feathers, devoted on the way Brian’s whole body would shiver and shudder when he brushed them or when, occasionally, he would hit that ticklish nerve that would send Brian in a fit of laughing and giggling.

“I do love your wings.” Nick stated, passing his fingers through Brian’s wings without even noticing or realizing it.

“I know. But I love more being able to stay with you. So it won’t be a big deal because I might lose something, but I’m definitely going to gain something much more precious and unique.”

“You’re definitely crazy.” Nick breathed softly, a warm grin on his face as he leaned his forehead against Brian.   

“I must be. I’m in love with you.” Brian joked back, brushing his lips against Nick so that he would know that he meant the second part of his sentence, that he loved his and nothing could compare to that emotion and feeling.

“Then I’m crazy too.” It was Nick’s response, murmured between soft and small touches of lips as the starry nights began to fade away, joined almost after by planets and universe and all the possible and impossible futures that could lay and stretch ahead of them: they were each other’s universe, the sun which they run around to and the moon that they look up to for wishes and miracles. They were each other’s mere and simple existence, the reason why they would fight, win or lose or sacrifice something just to keep staying like that.

Together. Forever, whatever that forever might be.