First Chapter

After that night, time passed by: nights gave into days and days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. Tension had started to arise within the group as the date of the surgery, along with the forced break from shows and appearances, loomed closer and closer. They didn’t know how to act, they didn’t know how to show reassurance and comfort, care and concern without sounding cliché or without acting as if Brian was going to break into million pieces with just one touch: it changed their perspectives, it forced them to see their friends with different eyes, as if until that moment they had been always fooled by smiles and an infinite quantity of energy and vitality. It was unsetting, at least: months of being used to lean on those shoulders, trusting him with the responsibility of the younger guys and now everything was turned upside down, with hawk eyes that followed every and observed each and every tired smile, or a grimace that put everyone on their toes.

Yet it wasn’t just worry that plumed the atmosphere around the group. Or, to better say, it wasn’t just worry about Brian and his well �“ being. They were also afraid of the consequences and, irrationally and illogical, a tiny part of them were angry at how their perfect dream might be broken when they were so close to make it real.

What if they were going to be forgotten?

What if everything that they had worked for would fall into ashes?

But those thoughts, those questions, were making things even harder because they knew it was just too cynical, that they shouldn’t feel that resentful because it wasn’t as if he had done it on purpose. But it was difficult to distinguish rational from irrational, truth from impulsive feelings and so distance was the only safe ground, the only reasonable choice so not to mess up things and relationships.

But they did feel like they were already staying on the sidelines of a disaster, watching it unraveling in front of their eyes and with nothing more than a few words to use as weapons. And even those didn’t do much effect, falling deaf while Brian kept going on as if nothing had literally changed, as if he wasn’t spending all of his free time trying to fight a tiredness that couldn’t be cured with sleep and rest. 

As if he wasn’t trying to keep his distance from everyone.

Nick especially.

No one really knew what happened between the two. One day they were talking like always, the next they didn’t even look at each other and, if they happened to cross one’s path, they wore that expression that it was hard to read: pain, longing, hurt, disappointment. One day they were together, smiling and trying to act as if nothing was really happening, and the next Nick looked like someone had killed his favorite pet, while Brian looked as if he had been the responsible. Tension strengthened itself around the group, a heavy air that it made impossible to stand together when it wasn’t necessary: yet, they kept looming around each other, trying to find the key that could unlock all those words they wanted to say and all the things they wanted to do.

Kevin tried to find that key, pushing himself to go and talk to his cousin. It was different, they were family and, even though a fight was bound to happen, he wasn’t certainly afraid or scared to get shouted at. Stubbornness was definitely a family trait, especially when it came down to weakness and sickness: Kevin could still remember a much younger Brian, barely out of the hospital, and yet already fighting and putting his foot down because he just wanted to be treated as any other boys. Not tiptoeing around. No pity looks. No telling him how he should or shouldn’t deal with those problems.

But that tenacity, most of the times, meant causing so much more problems than solutions because, at the bottom of the line, all Brian wanted was what everyone wanted in those kind of situations. Even if he didn’t want to admit it. And that was probably the main reason of that fight between him and Nick, with the latter pushing for being of help and the first refusing with so much coldness and fierce that it must have been hard not to react to. And Nick…

Kevin sighed as he entered Brian’s room without even knocking, knowing perfectly that he wouldn’t be welcomed. Thankfully Brian didn’t seem to notice or hear the sound of the door clicking, and that was probably explained by the fact that he was lying down the couch, curled up and probably asleep.

Like most of the times now.

Kevin hated to admit that he didn’t know how much bad the situation was. He hated to admit that he hadn’t made himself ask those questions burning in his mind, those fears of a never forgotten death lying around and dancing happily. So many times, though, he had almost let a word slip out of his mouth, just the beginning of that “How bad are you?” question that everyone wanted to know but no one dared to say. They tried to cover their fear up with the lie of being worried about their career and their future but it only helped to mark that division even deeper, as if Brian was just making this up for a need of attention or whatever.

How bad was it really?

How blind have they been for not seeing the signs before? How blind has he been?

Kevin shook his head, trying to bid those thoughts away from his mind. It was in the past, true, though it was hard to let go of that feeling guilty that still haunted him like a trusted friend; it was in the past, true, but he had promised himself he wasn't going to make the same mistake all over again, offering his help only when the worst was already knocking at the door and announcing that it was time to go.

"Is it already time?" Brian's voice came out in a faint whisper, rubbed around a tiredness that pulled Kevin's heart in a tight rope. Was it really right to keep going on? Shouldn't he put down his foot down and call a stop? A break? But it took just one look on Brian's face, that impassible expression that hid everything and each weakness, to know that his cousin would never accept it.

"We still have an hour."

"Good."

Silence fell down between them, words kidnapped away by that strange and weird unfamiliarity. When did they become such strangers? When did they stop acting and feeling like family?

"Bri..."

"I was just resting. I'll be ready for tonight, don't worry. I won't mess up."

"That's not why I'm here." Kevin replied, slightly offended by that remark. Was that how Brian felt? That they only cared if he was ready or not for the show?

"Oh." Brian sat up, rubbing his eyes as if he could sweep away the tiredness he felt with that simple gesture.

"I wanna talk to you."

"About what?"

"You know what."

"Actually no, I don't."

But Brian knew. Of course he knew that the only reason his cousin wanted to talk about with him was the only thing he didn't want to even think about. Because it hurt, more than he could ever thought it was possible. It hurt, it bled like someone had come and taken his heart out of his chest, leaving only a pulsating hole.

And that someone had been himself.

"Yes, you know. - Kevin remarked without missing a beat. Without missing the way Brian's jaw line tightened up or how his eyes looked all puffed and red. - What happened between you and Nick?"

Hit straight through his heart. Right at the center of the matter. Maybe he should have locked himself instead than giving Kevin the chance to twist everything. The truth was that Brian didn't want to talk about it and, mostly, didn't want to be talked about how he made such a giant mistake: he already knew it, he had regretted his words the moment he had closed the door behind his back. But he couldn't go back, not now anyway.

"Nothing."

"Bullshit."

"None of your business."

"It is, actually. What happened?"

Kevin wasn't going to go down without a fight. And Brian was too tired to keep his defenses up, too tired and exhausted to pretend to be the strong one, the one who had all the answers and who had to keep everyone else together. He was falling, he was stumbling down because he truly loved Nick, he still did, and forcing himself to stay away had probably been one of the toughest and hardest decision ever made. Had he been right? Had it been the right choice? He didn't know, that was the truth. It couldn't be the right choice if he felt like something vital was missing from his heart; it couldn't be the right choice if Nick had to waste himself every night just to forget all the pain and the wounds Brian had put him through.

It couldn't be the right choice but, at the same, it felt like it was the only choice Brian had.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Kevin sighed, taking a seat next to his cousin: he wanted to reach out and pull him into a tight hug yet something prevented him to do so.

What had happened to them?

"You both looked like someone murdered the other. If it is just a fight..."

"I wish it was just a fight. - Brian admitted, eyes locked down on his hands. - I did what I have to do."

Something leaked through Brian's tone, although Kevin couldn't quite put his finger on. Those two had always been together, tearing themselves apart only when they were forced to separate and go back to their families and lives; those two had always been much closer than everyone could ever thought or imagined, pulling to each other as if they had always meant to be attracted by some sort of gravitation. The thought had come closer to Kevin's mind, teasing an idea that wasn't that bad because he knew how much Nick depended on Brian and how much Brian depended on taking care of the younger, And they did got closer and closer those past weeks, maybe the urgency dictated by Brian's surgery had pushed Nick to rush into something that they weren't yet ready for.

It was just so easy to picture how it went, how Brian must had backed down and pull his hands up while Nick must had kept pestering and pestering. Kevin understood Brian's reasoning, he would had done the same thing, that same thing his father had done so many years before. And, maybe, that was the reason why Kevin knew what big mistake Brian had just made.

And how it wasn't too late to make it up and fix it.

"It doesn't need to be that way."

"You don't know shit about..."

"Really? Because I kinda guess you've pushed Nick away. Even though you hated and regret every second of your decision."

Brian should had been surprised, shocked by Kevin's words and how he basically already figured out what had happened. Yet, he wasn't. They always had such a strange relationship, from not being really close because of the age difference to be closest they had ever been now that they were working together: the group had brought out traits of character that they had in common, a sensibility to understand things that no one else could read or see. So no, Brian wasn’t surprised about Kevin’s words but, at the same time, he didn’t want to hear whatever advice he would offer him.

It would only make him feel worse.

It would only make his heart shatter a little bit louder and hurt a little bit more.

“Kevin, I appreciate if...”

“I appreciate if you would just listen. Do whatever you want next but just listen.”

“You’re really patronizing, you know that?” A little chuckle lightened up the air, a small and tired smile made its way on Brian’s face and, just for a moment, Kevin thought that things could and would get better.

Just a second, though.

“I am. Always listen to your older.”

“You don’t know the whole story.”

“I don’t need to know it. You did what you always do when there is something wrong: you shut people out. You keep them at distance because you can’t stand their looks of pity or them worrying about you. Even though it kills you. Even though all you want is someone to hold on to when days are a little bit harder than normal.”

“I don’t need anyone.” Brian hissed, clenching his teeth and jaw almost painfully.

“Yes, you do. And you need Nick and this... this confused you.”

“I’m not confused. I know exactly what I’m doing. Nick... Nick will be better off without me.”

“Are you really sure? Have you seen Nick lately?” It was a rhetorical question, for of course Brian had seen Nick and how he was reacting to their fall out. Or, better saying, how he wasn’t reacting.

“Kev... �“ Brian started to say but then quickly dismissed those words. �“ He will be. I can’t... I can’t worry for him too. Not now.”

“Bri. He loves you. Everyone knows it. You know it. And I get that you can be quite scared about the whole situation, even if there was no surgery involved. But that’s love. You have to trust him. You have to trust that, somewhere down the line, there will be times when you will need his help and he’s going to offer it. Even without asking.”

Brian didn’t reply. He curled up, bringing his knees against his chest, chin leaning against them. Kevin’s words rang as true, they sounded as all those same words his heart had tried to tell him over and over again. He loved Nick, that had never been in doubt. But loving him didn’t mean that he couldn’t acknowledge the fact that he was still so young, too young to embark a relationship so serious and so deep.

Could he bond him into what the next months were going to be?

Could he bond him into just a few days of sun and then leave him in the rain, if things wouldn’t go as planned?

No. I love him too much to inflict so much pain.

That was his answer, heart and mind always harmonizing and agreeing on that.

“One day he will understand why I did what I did. One day, I hope, he will forgive me.”

It was such a faint that, for a brief moment, Kevin wasn’t even sure he could hear it. His own heart wept for his cousin, bearing a weight that shouldn’t have been placed upon his shoulders at such a young age. He wanted to do more, he wanted to fix it because he couldn’t bear to see those two hurting and suffering when they should be soaring and exploring that new shade of relationship.

But Brian wasn’t going to step back. And Nick... Kevin could only hope that Nick wouldn’t let his own heartache turn into hate, deep and black hate that could ruin whatever was left of that love.

So Kevin, right there, didn’t offer any other advices. He didn’t try to change Brian’s mind, especially since he already knew it was such an impossible thing in that moment. Maybe, one day, he would be able to fix everything; maybe Brian would be able, one day, to look back at these moments, these days, and wondered how blind and stupid he had been.

But, for that fragment of time, Kevin just came closer to his cousin and placed an arm around his shoulders, enveloping in a reassuring and somehow comforting hug; For that just window of time, Brian forgot about how he had planned to be strong, how he hadn’t wanted anyone to see him breaking down under the weight of fears and doubts: he leaned his head on Kevin’s shoulder, finding it so simple to hide away, even if it was for just a couple of minutes and seconds.

“Kev? �“ Brian asked in a tiny voice, so small because it wanted to conceal the tiredness and the anguish that were creating the perfect storm inside his soul. �“ Can I ask you to do me a favor?”

“Of course.”

“Can… will you look after him?” Brian didn’t need to add “if I’m gone” because those words were flying within the air, a cold reminder of what could happen once that that fearful date in May would be closer and closer.

“Bri... don’t think about it.” Kevin replied in a tight voice, trying to erase that simple thought. His cousin wasn’t going to die. It wasn’t a chance that could be taken in consideration.

It simply couldn’t happen.

It wasn’t going to happen.

“Please. �“ Brian’s voice almost broke, a sob that he just let out with a solitary tear that found its own death upon the skin. �“ I need to know he... he can’t be alone. You know this, right?”

Words wanted to come out, words wanted to reach out and simply make that pain and that suffer away with only a simply gesture. But Kevin knew that it wasn’t that simple. It wasn’t that fair. If it had been, maybe they wouldn’t even been having that conversation, more worried about doing a good job that night and ready for a couple of days of rest and relax.

Life wasn’t really that fair.

“You know I will.” Kevin only promised, although he could hear a piece of his heart slowly shattering and breaking at that hypothesis.

And if he tightened up the hug, well, none of the two men said a single word. And, in that hug, it was so simple to believe that things would be alright. The surgery. Nick. The future.

It was so simple to cover themselves in a perfect illusion.