- Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:

The day went on, Nick remained distracted though most of it was untelevised. The guys continued to hassle him when they had the chance and fifteen hours after Becka had gotten back into bed with Coll, everyone was in VIP at a swanky Spanish night club for a night of fun.

Despite how long of a day it had been, energy was generally high. Everyone had their own reason for it.

Becka was returning to the bar when she caught a glimpse of Nick smiling at Coll as she leaned into him. His hand slid up her back and she closed her eyes and melted into him, a smile plastered across her face. He was holding his drink in the other hand, someone bumped into it, he was unbothered. They were in their own world. Coll looked up at him, said something and they both laughed. Becka smiled to herself while her stomach knotted up with a starkly unfamiliar anxiety. She continued her way back toward them anyway.

“Can I borrow her for a minute?” Becka asked sweetly but loudly so they could hear as she approached them.

“Beckaaaa.” Coll sang, “where were you?”

Nick laughed as he and Becka made eye contact. “I’m gunna go get another drink.” Nick said, “either of you want anything?”

“I do!” Coll said, “another please.” She handed him her almost empty glass and kissed him on the cheek quickly before he walked away with it.

“Becka-“

“Colleen,” Becka wrapped her arm around Coll’s waist, “you are so beautiful and I’m so glad you are so happy.”

“Awh Beck-“

“Seriously,” Becka said, “I’m so happy for you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” Becka kissed her on the cheek. “I hope he knows how lucky he is.” Becka smiled as she squeezed Coll’s arm gently.

Coll shrugged, “I’m not rushing him.” She said even though it was out of place.

“I know.” Becka appeased her, knowing she was at peak tipsiness.

“I want him so bad though.” She wrinkled her nose as she leaned closer into Becka’s ear

Becka laughed, “someday, Colleen.”

“He is so beautiful.” Coll said just loud enough that Becka could hear it. “He is everything.”

Her stomach lurched up into her throat, “He might be, yeah.” Becka agreed.

“He doesn’t know it but… he is.”

“Well, I hope he knows I’ll kill him if he hurts you.”

“You worry too much!” Coll moved to stand in front of Becka, snaking her arm around her neck, pulling her in to speak into to her ear again as the music played loudly around them. “He will hurt me someday. It’s inevitable. But please don’t kill him if he does. I can stand a little hurt. He’s my soulmate.”

She knew Coll was drunk but it still hit her hard. She hung her head and laughed nervously.

“We are all going to fuck up and do stupid shit and hurt each other. When it happens though we are all going to lean on you so… just be ready.”

“Okay, sure.” Becka brushed it off.

“I know you are trying to stay out of it.” Coll sighed, tucking some hair behind her ear, her eyes floating around the room.

Becka hung her head.

“But if you think I’m wrong, I hope you’ll tell me.”

“I don’t think you are wrong about anything.”
“I hope that if you think I’m going to fuck it up, you’d let me know.”

Becka caught Coll’s eye and the vision of Nick’s hand sliding up her back as Coll leaned into him flashed in her memory. “You couldn’t.”

“Just please don’t withhold everything. Please,” Coll pleaded.

“I’m not. I wouldn’t. You know I can never really lay the full force of clinical process on you.” Becka said with a laugh. “Listen, I’m going to go get some air outside.”

“Are you okay?” Coll asked as Nick approached them again, holding a short glass out to Coll.

“I’m fine, just warm. I’ll see you in a bit.” She smiled casually as she walked away from them.

Coll watched as Becka navigated through the crowd and away from her as Nick’s available hand slipped into hers.


Becka maneuvered her way to an exit and pushed the heavy door open with both hands, a welcome rush of fresh air hit her skin as she did so.

She walked a few hundred paces away from the building to a curb on the edge of the back parking lot where she took a seat and curled her knees into her chest, letting her head hang above them.

She could feel the tears in her eyes and didn’t fight them off as she got caught up in thoughts of Nick and Coll and her parents and Connecticut and Florida and soulmates for several minutes before she heard a voice break into the silence around her.

“Hey, are you okay?” Howie asked as he walked over to her.

Becka looked up to confirm it was his voice she heard. “Hey. Yeah. I’ll be fine.” She said quietly, wiping a tear off her face as inconspicuously as possible.

Howie looked around, unsure what to do but positive that Becka had been crying.

“Do you want me to go get Coll for you?”

Becka snorted, “No.” Realizing that might come across rather harsh, she went on, “Thank you for offering but, no.”

“Well,” He inhaled deeply, “I guess you’re stuck with me then.” He said and sat down next to her.

She looked at him curiously. “Why are you even out here?”

“I had to call someone. Time zones…” He explained, “You don’t have to tell me.” He began, stretching his legs out in front of him and leaning into his palms behind him. “But I know enough to know that no woman sits alone outside crying, while all her friends are inside partying for no reason. So unless you tell me you actually want to be alone…”

She wasn’t sure what it meant but she was looking at him and he seemed genuine.

“Alright.” She said. “You are welcome to stay.” She smiled softly at him, “Not sure why you would, but…”

“Well, you’ve already ruined my good time, Becka.” He smiled, “How could i go back in there and have fun knowing you’re out here… sulking…?”

She laughed lightly and shrugged at him, and brushed another stray tear off her cheek.

“But I can commiserate with you.” He said.

She pursed her lips at him, “We’ll see.”

They sat there in silence for several minutes before Becka began to talk. “I just sort of realized, like,...” She brushed her hands together slowly, looking into the dark distance. “No one is ever going to love me the way Nick loves my sister.” She said breaking the silence they had been sitting in, “and I’m not sure I’ll ever love anyone the way she loves him either, actually.” She looked at him, checking his reaction.

“Why do you think so?” He asked curiously, his eyebrows furrowed.

He seemed calm but surprised; she went on. “I don’t think it. I know it… and worst of all I understand why.” She could feel the tears in her eyes again.

Howie looked at her thoughtfully, unsure what to say.

Becka pushed her hand through her hair aggressively, letting the short chunks fall out of place. “Seriously, you know what I mean. The way he looks at her... don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her, of course. Coll being happy is something I truly always want. Plus, I love Nick, so I’m happy for me too. If he’s gunna be around awhile, I’m glad to like him.” She smiled, “But you can just see it. They’re different. But yeah... The way he was looking at her earlier... no one will ever look at me like that.” She said as a few tears gathered in her eyes. “In his world, she’s it. You can tell.”

Howie inhaled deeply, that was true, the guys had discussed it several times, including that afternoon while Nick was in the hall with Jen, marveling mostly at how Coll seemed to create an environment for Nick that he could be more present in. He wasn’t waiting on someone else to screw him over, he wasn’t suspicious of her. He just saw her and she made him better. She was patient, and he wasn’t acting recklessly.

“Coll makes him better. She makes sense of him, I guess. Why couldn’t you do that for someone?”

“It’s not that I couldn’t …” She began, tugging at her hair, “it’s that they won’t stick around long enough to find out.”

“You mean...”

“God, it’s so frustrating.” She hung her head, “I’m supposed to know better. I’m sorry, this is embarrassing…” She sniffled. “I barely know you, I shouldn’t be-”

“Don’t be embarrassed.”

She turned her head to look at him, “I mean, I guess you did stay.”

He smiled. “I wanted to.”

“You know him, probably better than most people. You know this - he wants her in his life. Like, she belongs there. He feels like she belongs there. No one wants me in their life like that because…” She paused, the tears trickling out of her eyes again, “No one wants me in their life like that because it comes with so much baggage. The way I am... “ She knew she shouldn’t be spewing all of this on him. But he sat down… She shook her head sadly, the frustration with herself building up, “no one could love me like that. I’m not pure and perfect and sensitive and patient. I have real problems. I’ve been through so much shit. I have trauma, it makes me hard. It makes me difficult to get close to. No one is ever going to stick it out for me to find out. Most people get scared off.”

He had no idea what she was referring to but knew this wasn’t the time to ask. “Well honestly, that’s Nick.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nick has shit and baggage and weirdness and lord knows he is difficult… but Coll is sticking it out for him.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Shit is shit, no doubt and we all have it - but mine is … wild. Most people don’t have any reference point for it. But you’re right I guess. Are there any guys out there as sensitive and perfect as Coll is though?”

Howie laughed lightly at her question.

“Yeah. They’re out there.” He shook his head, “I think you’d be surprised.” He said.

She grinned, “Maybe. But I doubt it.”

“I really do think - whether it looks like a love song or not - there is someone for everyone.” Howie smiled, “I do believe in true love. If Nick and Coll have that then I’m happy for them. I believe you can have it too regardless of whatever you think is different or difficult about you.”

She thought it over, turning to face him. “I know you’re just being polite - you don’t have to deal with this.”

“I’m being polite but I also actually care.”

She looked at him curiously.

“It sounds like you have a lot to say but you think no one wants to hear it…”

Becka took a deep breath, “People want to hear it." She sighed heavily, "They just don’t like what it is after they’ve heard it. I already know that. I’ve already dealt with my shit. I will deal with my shit forever, and that’s okay. But someone else comes into it and they have to deal with it now too. I’m fine with it but they can’t believe that, so they get scared off. Because how could someone truly be fine after all of that? After everything, I’ve been through? So they have to be fine with it and me and trust me all at once. I’m telling you, people get scared off.”

“What about someone with mutual shit?”

She tilted her head back and laughed, “No. Lord, I truly hope not. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”

They were both quiet for a few minutes.

“It’s interesting though,” Becka began, “You didn’t ask.”

“Ask what?”

“What I’m talking about.”

“You said it scares people off.” He began, “I’m not scared to know it. I just figured if I know you better first, it’ll be harder to get scared off.”

Taken aback, she looked at him suspiciously, “You have a twisted sister or something?”

He smiled, “You could say that.”

She laughed, “how many sisters do you have?” She couldn’t remember what she had read.

He inhaled sharply, it was a question he hadn’t sorted out the right answer to yet. “Two.”

“Are they best friends?”

“Of course.”


Becka and Howie returned to the party and Becka slipped through the crowd to find Coll. Howie followed closely behind.

“Oh my god, are you okay??” Coll asked.

“I’m fine!”

“Where were you?”

“Just outside - I told you.”

“All this time?”

Becka honestly wasn’t sure how long she was out there for, or how long she and Howie had sat on the curb for.

“I’m completely fine, I promise.”

Coll smiled as Howie came into her consciousness. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Howie said, “I’m going to get a drink, you want something?” He asked looking at Becka.

“Sure. I’ll have a vodka tonic, please.”

“You got it.” He said and disappeared into the crowd.

Coll looked between Howie as he walked away and Becka for a second before a suspicious smile fell across her face, “Wait, are you into him?” She asked.
Becka giggled, “No.”

“Oh please.”

“Just having fun, mom”

“Stop,”

“You are such a little worry wart. Just relax.”

“Beck-“
“I’m not into him. He was outside while I was, we were just chatting.”

“Chatting about what?! In English or Spanish?”

Becka laughed, “Relax, seriously. Maybe I just like hanging out with him while you’re off with your husband.”

“Wow, do not say that.”

Becka shook her head and reached out for Coll’s hand. “RELAX.”

“Becka, are you seriously okay?” Coll asked again, noticing Becka’s eyes were a little splotchy.

“I’m fiiiine!! Are you??” Becka looked Coll over briefly.

“I’m happily buzzed.” She explained, “I even discovered that I’m excellent at dancing.”

Becka laughed as Coll demonstrated a pitiful set of dance moves.

“Incredible, truly.” She responded with a laugh, “Where is Nick?”

Coll pointed to the bar. “I was in the bathroom.”

Becka nodded.

“So seriously, what’s up with you and Howard?”

“Oh my god, nothing. Can’t a person have a friend?”

“A person or a Becka?”

“Wow. That hurts.”

“Come on, you can tell me.”

“Colleen, please.”

“Old habits die hard.”

“Yeah, they died hard already though.” Becka said, “they are basically dead now.”

Coll narrowed her eyes at Becka, “Are you being dark and mysterious again?”

“I’m always dark and mysterious.”

Coll rolled her eyes as Becka backed away from her, lip syncing to the Aaliyah song that was blaring over the speakers.

“And he’s not my husband!” Coll yelled out to her.

Becka laughed and rejoined Howie who smiled widely as he slipped his arm around her waist, handing her a drink.