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Brian thought about running after Nick when Leighanne pushed him out of the room, but for some reason he didn’t.

“He has some nerve barging in here. Didn’t you tell him I would be here tonight, Brian? Why didn’t he go to AJ’s room in the first place?!” Leighanne demanded once she’d put some clothes on and gotten back into bed. Brian was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at the door as if he expected Nick to come back but nothing happened.

“Huh?”

“Are you okay? You look like you’re upset.” Leighanne said, moving across the bed to kiss him. He didn’t return it. His heart was still pounding and his chest hurt. He wondered if it were stress or caused by guilt because he felt sick to his stomach about what had just happened. He had hurt Nick and he wondered if there was any way to fix the damage that had been done. He knew for a fact Nick didn’t like being called annoying or a burden...and Leighanne had basically told him that he was saying it behind his back.

“I think you...and I can’t believe I am saying this, but I think you need to go.” Brian said slowly. The smile slid off of his girlfriend’s face so fast Brian almost laughed.


“You’re telling me to go? Why?”

“I just need to be alone for a while. I’m sorry, but you said a lot of really nasty things to Nick. He didn’t know you were here, I sorta ditched him and pretended I was sick so I can spend time with you.” Brian told her. She picked up her things, trying not to show Brian how annoyed she was but it was painfully obvious she was pissed off.

“Well, I feel kind of bad for yelling at him knowing that now...but you shouldn’t have lied to him. I love spending time with you too, but you told me all that stuff and I got angry.”

Brian keep thinking about Nick’s expression when he was called annoying. It really bothered him to see him so upset.

“I’m sorry, but I need to be alone tonight. I’ll call you.”

“I guess I’ll be in touch. Where are you going to be again? I’ll miss you.” Leighanne asked. Brian stood up and showed her to the door before kissing her quickly.

“I’ll miss you too. Germany for a while. Then we are coming back to do some festivals in the states and we have rehearsal for the next tour.”

The two of them said their goodbyes and kissed at the door. To his surprise, when Brian opened it to let her out, Kevin was standing there. He did not look happy.

“Hello, Kevin.” Leighanne smiled at him.

“Hi, Leighanne. Nice to see you…” Kevin said in a friendly tone, but his eyebrows said he was irritated. Brian knew that Nick had probably told him what happened, or that he heard it from his room.

Kevin watched Leighanne until she was heading down the hallway, then went into Brian’s room, where Brian had resumed his spot on the bed next to the empty one where Nick slept. He slammed the door shut behind him.

“What are you doing up?” Brian asked, noticing that it was almost midnight. Kevin was often the first to bed but also the last to wake up as he liked his sleep.

“Nick asked me if I could help him come and get his things after I found him crying because he won’t come near the room. What in the hell is wrong with you? He was really looking forward to that game and you ditched him for your girlfriend?” Kevin demanded, crossing his arms.

“I guess you heard what happened?” Brian asked, as if he didn’t already know he’d fucked up. His stomach was in knots because he was mad at himself.

“I am so unbelievably disappointed to call you my cousin, how could you do that to him? Imagine how he felt when he walked in and saw you with her. He just wanted to spend time with you and this is how you treat him.”

“Like you wouldn’t do that same shit for Kristin.”

“Don’t bring my girlfriend into this. I’m asking you a question.”

“Look, I made a mistake. Nick’s just a kid. He’ll get over it.” Brian waved, heading towards the bathroom to wash up a bit before bed.

“He is not just a kid. He’s your best friend and your bandmate. Do you realize how much he looks up to you? You need to apologize to him.” Kevin hissed from the doorway before he left, as Brian washed his face in the sink. Brian thought and almost considered going over to AJ’s room right then, but he figured it could wait until morning, it was very late and they had to be up early for something anyway.

That night he was kept awake thinking, wondering what he could do to make it up to Nick cause he had screwed up so badly. All he could picture was the look on Nick’s face when Leighanne dropped that bomb on him, that he was annoying. Secretly Brian didn’t feel annoyed by him, he was just tired of Leighanne complaining that he seemed to put work first and his friends first before her. His career always came first. He also wondered why it bothered him so much…Nick was just like a brother to him, wasn't he?

He's more than just a brother to you, stop lying to yourself.

“He's just my friend.” he whispered to himself, as if to shut off his own thoughts. He was supposed to be in a relationship, find a nice girl and settle down to have a family. He was well on his way to doing that and Leighanne was the perfect person to spend the rest of his life with. That's what his parents wanted for him. That was what he wanted too, at least he liked to think so. However, lately things were so jumbled that he didn't know what to think anymore. Nick was a friend….but there was something more. Something lurking that he hadn't explored quite yet because he didn't know how to. He shook it away just like the other times. When he thought of Nick those dreams of white picket fences faded. These feelings often scared him because he had no idea what they meant, so he pretended as if none of it was happening and pushed them away like he started pushing Nick away. Yes, Nick was the start of everything. This was his fault. It was his fault he felt different.

“He’s my friend and nothing else.”

Sometimes he wondered if he was like Nick. Confused about his own sexuality. But he didnt dare to even go there.

You’re just upset that you can’t be together because you know nobody would accept it. You told Nick to hide who he was and you can’t go back on that now. You can’t tell him you feel the same way. You can’t tell him about these feelings. Ever.


No. He couldn’t be gay. That was ridiculous and crazy. He liked Leighanne so it was impossible.

The feeling came and left just as quickly as it entered his mind. No…it didn't mean anything. Nick was his friend and that was it. Yet, something else lingered…another feeling, a feeling unexplored that Brian pushed away as he fell asleep, a feeling that would start eating away at his heart.