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Brian had never wanted to hurt Nick. The sheer thought of it was so far against his nature, that he still couldn't believe, that it actually had happened. And yet the picture of Nick hitting the floor of his room, grimacing in pain created by that fall was so vivid in his mind. It felt like if he simply reached out he could have touched Nick just there, but Brian knew that he could not. He couldn't reach for Nick and he couldn't turn back time to make good on what he had done wrong. For what it's worth, at least now he could be alone. Things had been awkward between him and Nick ever since they had parted ways on the fateful day. He still could remember it. It had started so well, but ended so badly and all just because he gave in to his insecurities. Since that day, they had been avoiding each other. Brian did not even dare to look at Nick anymore in fear that those blue eyes could see right through him. He didn't want to risk meeting them with his own, didn't want to give Nick the chance to read his secrets.

He had too many of those buried deep inside. There were secrets he had kept for years, which he never planned on sharing. Nick had been so close to uncovering a few of them. If Brian had not run that day, he could have read him like a book. He knew that the younger man had that ability: reading him like that. He already had been blessed with that talent, when they had first met. Over the years Brian had learned to shield those thoughts he didn't want to share, but when Nick had grabbed his shirt, he had broken that shield as well. Nick had been so close uncovering the truth. It scared Brian to think about it. What his friend didn't know, was that his solo album wasn't the only reason he had pulled away from him. That had only been the excuse he had been looking for since way before that. He had used it to explain pulling away from Nick, because he had not been able to bring up the strength to do it before that. Years had gone by since then and Brian had been so sure, that things were different now, but after the time he had spent in Nicks room it seemed to him, that some things just never changed.

The lamps in his room were turned off, he even had pulled the curtains close. Perhaps it was not the best idea to give himself to darkness like this, but he simply couldn't stand the light right now. He hold onto that darkness that did creep inside of these walls, inside of his head and inside of his heart. Everlasting darkness, that clouded, what once had been shining brightness. What had been dripping with joy, was now drowned in sadness. The only light left in the room was coming from the TV, tinting his face pale blue.

The screen was showing him pictures of a time he had nearly forgotten. It told a story of their golden years. He wasn't even sure how old he was in those moving pictures. Nineteen? Twenty? Certainly much younger and more naive, than he was today. How silly he had been, picking up plush toys, being silly and acting like a clown. Drunken on screams of girls and women, trying to catch a glimpse of them. The boys had been stars. They still were, but back then, when it all started, it had been intense. Their presence alone had been enough to cause some of their fans to faint.

It had been exciting times, when they didn't even understand what was happening to them. One day they had just been normal boys nobody cared for, the next they were the Backstreet Boys, superstars. It had been quite overwhelming and sheer unbelievable for all of them, but especially for him, Nick and AJ. The youngest two had not even finished their school, when those pictures had been captured.

Yes, Nick was on the video too, wearing an over-sized sweater, much too large for his lean and lanky body. They were having fun, Nick was holding some box full of toothbrushes, which had been thrown across the fence. They had been good friends back then, it was before he had secrets, simpler times. If only it could have stayed the way it was, when there were no worries on their mind, when they were carried by the first wave of their success.

But where some things stayed the same other things changed and he noticed it when the video showed a new clip, one that had been filmed two years later, 1997. 'And this is where we do our makeup...', Nick was talking to the camera, his face still sparkling of youth. He had been filming a lot in these days, but Brian remembered the exact occasion of this particular video.

There it was, Nick was turning the camera, then Brian noticed his own younger self. It had been right after one of their shows. 'Brian?', maybe he should have just died back then. The camera was soon pointing at him, he was panting, pale and sweaty. 'Oh my god Brian are you alright?', Nick was moving towards him in the video. 'I'm fine...', the response had been a lie, he hadn't told them about his heart at that time yet. He had not wanted them to worry, had not wanted to be a bother to them. Nick had known, that he was lying and he had placed the camera down to take a place next to him. 'No, you are not!', and Nick had touched his forehead, making his younger self freeze in motion. 'You got a fever Brian', watching the scenes Brian just had to shake his head.

That had been the beginning of the secrets, he remembered the thoughts he had back then. Nick had leaned over him, coming so close, that he could feel the Carter boys breath hit his skin. Seeing those pictures he still could feel the spot, where the goosebumps had taken form all those years ago. As he had come that close all Brian had seen were those lips. They were speaking words, but they seemed so inviting. He had wanted to touch them in that moment. But at the same time he had known, that it would have been wrong. It would have destroyed their relationship in so many ways. As he watched his younger self standing up and walking away from Nick it seemed quite rude. But that had not been his intention. He just did have to escape in that moment. So he ran away, out of the room, somewhere else to gather his thoughts. It was one of his faults: if there was something he couldn't handle, most of the time he just fled the scene.

Ever since that day Brian had occasionally wondered, what would have happened if he had indeed kissed Nick back then. He had come to the conclusion, that first of all it would have destroyed their friendship. Nick was into girls and getting kissed by the guy he considered to be his best friend would have probably made things more than awkward.

Secondly, if anyone would have found out about it, it would have been a big scandal in every piece of media. The Backstreet Boys probably would not have survived that. That alone made him realize, that his decision back then had been the right one.
Thirdly how would he have explained himself to his family? Brian had a pretty cool attitude about his religion. He believed in god, but he also believed that the heavenly father loved everyone, straight or not. But when it came to his family Brian wasn't sure, if they shared his thoughts. Most probably they did not and since family was important to him, that was a problem.

Brian had come to the conclusion, that it was good, that things happened exactly the way they did. And yet, despite that thought, Brian was feeling mostly sadness about his decision. Why was his heart hurting so much thinking about it? Rationally all he had done was right, or at least that was what he thought. Emotionally though, watching himself flee was something he simply could not accept. If only he had shown a little more courage to take the opportunity and the risk. It might have ended in disaster, but it could have also lead him on a happier path. Perhaps he would not have lost himself in depression then.

The thought of him acting differently that day, just kissing Nick, grew quite vivid infront of his inner eye. It grew vivid and overbearing. His lips laying on Nicks soft lips, biting, suckling. Feeling the warmth of that body against his. Those pictures made him slap the palms of his hands against the side of his head. "Shut up.“, he called out into the nothingness. There really was no one to shout at, but the thoughts were loud enough, that they didn't need to speak. He felt like an idiot to have thoughts like that. What if he had acted that way? What about their career? Brian was certain, that it would have been the end of it. How could he have been happy, when that was the result of his actions? Of course it didn't make sense to think so intensely about something that happened more than a decade ago, but he couldn't help it. It was devastating not to know what could have been. He still felt like he had done the right thing, but part of him wished he knew what a different choice would have lead to. Somehow it seemed to him, that no matter what he would have chosen, things would have turned out dire.

But he couldn't help it: always when he looked at Nick he remembered it. Those lips, they had always been just a tiny bit too red. He still couldn't help staring at them, whenever Nick talked. Every time they were alone he had felt nervous and worried that he would do something, that wasn't in his control. And now it had happened. He had known, that Nick had be joking with him, when he grabbed his shirt and said those things to him. That wasn't the problem. What really got to him, was that he had wanted Nick to be true with words and actions. He had wanted to kiss and feel him. When he had thought about that he had blushed and all those secrets he had kept for years had been easy to read on his cheek. But he didn't want Nick to read them. He was afraid of how he would react to them. He was afraid of rejection. So when he had shoved Nick away it had been to protect himself from emotion.

For what it was worth, he was now alone. But he realized, that things weren't really better, than they would have been if he had not been such a coward. If Nick had rejected him, they probably would have stopped talking to another, but they weren't talking to each other now either. More than that, they were even avoiding each other. His best friend was staying in the same house as he was, but it felt like they were separated by a million miles.

Brian wondered what Nick was doing. Was he feeling sad about all this, too? Was he even missing him? Or was he spending his time with the others? Thinking about it made him pout. He didn't like thinking about Nick having fun with the other men. Of course he wanted him to be happy, but the thought of Nick spending his time with anyone else but him made him jealous. Brian couldn't deny being a little bit possessive, but he hated himself for having these thoughts. Nick was not his possession, they weren't an item and even though part of him wished they were, the situation was much too complicated for Brian to make any step towards changing that.

He would have kept brooding, but a sudden knock on his door pulled him away from his thoughts. "Brian?“, it was Kevins voice that accompanied the knocking. "Huh?“, he answered, standing up from where he was sitting to make his way to the door and unlock it. "We're discussing what kind of bands to include as warm-up acts for the tour, you coming?" His cousin sounded like he wasn't sure what Brians answer would be. Since he had been locked up in his room for most of the day, that probably was no wonder. Even now he wasn't really sure if he wanted to go, it would mean seeing Nick after all. On the other hand he was curious and wanted to bring up his own ideas to the discussion.

So he finally answered, "Yeah, I guess.“, and proceeded to open the door. He was greeted by his cousin looking at him with a frown. "And I thought you didn't want to be part of the group anymore.“, he examined him critically and Brian could only blink. He didn't know where that came from. Kevin had been the one to leave them behind. Brian was very well aware, that his voice wasn't what it used to be, but not one second had he thought about leaving the group. It simply wouldn't work that way, he knew his fans would be heartbroken, if he did that. So he gave Kevin an irritated look, before walking past him towards the stairs. "Won't do you that favor, Kev!“, he said sarcastically. As he approached the steps Kevin just shrugged: "Well that's good then."

Downstairs in the living room Brian could spot, that the other guys were already there. AJ was sitting in an armchair, while Nick and Howie sat opposite to each other on the two couches. Brian frowned lightly as he looked at Nick, then avoided his gaze as he sat down next to Howie. Despite not even looking at Nick, he could feel his stomach turn. This was not going to be easy.