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April 19, 2008
12pm
Nick and I were in California. I know what you're thinking . . . "Why are you in Cali?" Well, Nick wanted to take me to his Santa Monica house, so here we are! Just as I suspected, it was like a family house, meaning it was a big house in which all the Carters' would live in. It's a weird experience because I've never been to Cali before. The thing that I liked the most was all the attention I was getting from guys. Nearly, every college-looking guy stopped and stared at me, like I was from a foreign country! I guess they knew I was "Nick Carter's fianceé" and they probably thought I was hott, but, hey! I loved the attention. Nick was giving them the body-language of "she's mine."

At the house, I found the rock station and turned up the volume on a good oldie, Chevelle's "The Red." I made pretend I was a rock guitarist and played my "invisible" guitar. I ended up on the floor, still playing my "guitar." The song ended, and I saw Nick standing there.

"How long have you been there?" I asked, sitting on the counter stall in the kitchen.
"Long enough," he said, sitting next to me with a can of soda in his hand.
I pouted, "You gotta help me, too, Mister." I meant about the wedding plans.
"I know. I'm sorry, baby," he apologized.
"You're lucky I fell for you, Nickolas," I said.
"Whatta mean?"
"You're lucky I fell for you, and I had the idea of going to your house 2 years ago."
"Yeah . . . Thanks for thinking of that, babe."
"You owe me, major," I said.
He sighed. "I'll give you anything you want. What is it?"
"5 kids," I said, smiling.
He laughed, "Deal."
"Ooh, and something else," I said, remembering.
He groaned, "More?"
"You gotta be my date for the prom."
He smiled, "Done."
"Good," I said. "Now, the wedding . . . I'm thinking July. What do you think?"
"Pick a number from 1 to 32," Nick told me suddenly.
"Um, 18."
"Good, July the 18th, it is then."
I laughed. "Aye, aye, cap'n," I said, writing the date down.

Then, 3 Doors Down's "When I'm Gone" came on the radio, and there was total silence. I remembered that I gave Nick to hear the song the day I wanted to commit suicide. I wrote down more stuff on the wedding when he spoke.

"Ally," he began, "I don't know what I'd do if you were gone. Baby, why would you want to commit suicide?"
"My life was nearly over," I told him, still scribbling on the paper. "With you gone, I would have nothing." I couldn't look at him. "My life is over without you. I am nothing without you. Nothing matters to me. Only you."
I noticed he was looking at me, but I didn't look back. Quickly, he cupped my face in his hands and kissed me.
"Don't leave me," I heard him say.
"It's not on my list, so I don't plan to."