You know we will work things out you and I. Like Kevin said, we're starting fresh.
Nick, be safe and we'll see you in a few days!
That was it. The last time I spoke to him. Those were my last words. Be safe! how prophetic!...
I opened my eyes when we hit a patch of turbulence to see AJ polishing his finger nails next to me. "Well, don't you look pretty" I smirked as AJ gave me the finger. The bumpy ride had resulted in him spilling the black polish all over his tray table and pants. He was spewing cuss words like a storm.
"Well, that's what happens when you try to look COOL J!"
"Yeah yeah whatever, can you move your legs so I can get into the bathroom and clean myself off please?" He said kicking my legs out of his way. I'm glad I was able to laugh. The last few hours were not easy for me. I caused a scene at the airport. I just about threw a temper tantrum when it was time for us to board the plane.
"I don't want to leave him behind!" I said screaming at Kevin.
"Brian you are being ridiculous and everyone is staring at us! We don't need that right now!" I knew Kevin was right but I couldn't stop myself. He pulled himself closer to me
"Bri, come on, let's go for a little walk." So the two of us walked down a small hallway with security following close behind.
I was brought back to the present when AJ, back from the restroom, accidentally stepped on my foot trying to climb over me.
"Ow, Jeez AJ you could have just asked me to move again. That hurt!"
"I did, several times. You were in your own little world AGAIN" The way he said the last word didn't sit well with me.
"Well, I'm sorry if I am preoccupied, some of us give a crap that Nick is missing!"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He said looking both shocked and hurt.
"I miss Nick just as much as you do Rok and I resent the fact that you think this is only effecting you!" The sound of our bickering brought Kevin and Howie over and they sat in front of us peering over the backs of their new seats.
"Would you guys keep it down please? I heard you all the way from the front. What is the problem?" Kevin asked from clenched teeth.
"Oh Brian seems to think that he is the only one who is upset that Nick is being held by a lunatic!"
"I didn't say that. Stop putting words in my mouth!"
"You might has well have said that because that's what you meant!"
"Shut up J you have NO idea what I'm going through!"
"Oh and why is that?"
"Because..you don't"
"Great answer jackass!"
"Go to hell!"
"ENOUGH!!!!!" The sound of Howie's voice brought the two of us out of our childish argument and caused the flight attendants to all stare in our direction. Noticing his audience he brought his voice down to a whisper.
"That's about all I can take! We need to stick together. If we had from the beginning maybe NONE of this would have even happened. There will be NO more fighting anymore. Do you both understand me?" J and I looked at Howie and nodded. "All right then, make up and that's the end of this bullshit! It does no one any good especially Nicky!" He then turned around and sat down in a huff. Kevin mouthed the words are you okay and I faintly nodded my head yes before he too turned around and sat down. AJ and I sat in silence, him staring out the window and me staring into space.
"This is my fault Brian, you think I don't care? How could I not care it's all my fault!" I looked over at J and as he was talking his eyes never left the window he was gazing out of. I caught his reflection and I saw a shadow of a torn man.
"My ego did this! That's what that friggin psycho said to me. He was right!" A tear ran down his cheek. I gripped his shoulder not knowing what to say. Realizing that anything that would come out of my mouth wouldn't help. I had to try anyway.
"It's not your fault AJ" Is all I said. He turned to face me tears coming down his face, but through the tears came a small smile.
"It's not your fault either Brian, you know that right?" That brought me back to the hallway in the airport. Kevin and I talking with the bodyguards close by...
"You know it's not your fault Brian, stop blaming yourself!" Kevin was almost shaking me when he said that. I couldn't look him in the eye. It was my fault. Totally and completely. The guy had told me flat out that he wanted my little brother.
"I see you together all the time so I'm jealous of you Brian."
That last threat got my attention but I didn't catch on. "He was basically telling me that Nick's life was in danger and my thoughts didn't even go to him. Not even once. Don't you see, I could have prevented this from happening!" I tried to run at that point. From what I'm not even sure. The memories, the pain, myself. Kevin grabbed onto me and wouldn't let go until I finally broke down into big heaving sobs. I sat there on the floor in the hallway and lost it....
"Well?.." I looked up at AJ. He raised his eyebrows at me awaiting an answer that I just wasn't ready to give.
"I don't know J, All I know is you are not to blame."
"No one is" Came Kevin's voice from in front of us. "No one but the guy who took him and he will be punished!" Kevin's voice was so low and hateful when he said that; I was certain that if the police didn't find the guy who did this, then he would.
"So let's say we make a pact. We are not going to blame ourselves for this anymore. What's done is done. Now we start fresh and try to help in anyway that we can." I looked over at my younger band mate and was surprised at the level of maturity he displayed when he said that.
"It's a deal" I said shaking his hand still not totally believing myself as I said it.
"Same here" Howie said followed by a "Ditto" from Kevin.
"I'm sorry AJ about taking my frustration out on you." He put his hand up to shush me. "Not a problem Brian. I'm sorry too" I sat back with my eyes closed. Trying to push all negative thoughts out of my mind.
Nick hated flying...
I remember when we flew over to Europe the first time. We were all so young, Nick was sick the entire plane ride. Making everyone gag because of the constant retching sounds coming from such a small boy. It was before we became family, way back when we were just starting to learn each other's habits good and bad. I was stuck sitting next to him giving his mother a break from the endless bouts of spewing. The sound was too much for me to take and I was just about to make an excuse to leave him behind when he grabbed me.
"No, please don't go" He said and when he looked up at me I saw the desperation in his face. I sat back and stared at this kid. I really saw how young he was at that precise moment. That's when I knew I was meant to be his brother. Watch over him and keep him safe.
"Don't worry junior, I'm not going anywhere" I said as I rubbed his back while he vomitted....
"I'm not going anywhere" I said before falling into a restless sleep.
I had the same dreams over and over again. Nick and I walking together, talking and laughing just like the old days. "I bet I can do a backflip over that log!"
"There's no way in hell THAT'S gonna happen Brian"
"Oh yeah? Well watch and learn my young naive friend" I say as I back track survey my surroundings and go for it. As I am running, my target never leaving my eyes, I hear screams coming from the place I had left him. I try to turn around but my feet won't let me.
"Brian HELP ME! PLEASE HELP ME!!!"
I come to the log and in a panic trip over it and fall to the floor. I quickly turn around pulse racing, heart pounding, eyes bulging to see nothing. Nick totally gone. I stand up and start yelling his name hoping that he will respond but the only sound I hear is an owl. I turn around in circles feeling lost, frustrated, scared, and alone. I make myself dizzy and fall to the floor. I close my eyes, heart still racing so fast in my chest that I find it hard to breath.
"Wake up" The owl says to me. I refuse to open my eyes because the fear of what I would find is too hard to deal with.
"Wake up Brian we are here!" It says again sounding a lot like...
"Jesus Christ would you wake the hell up all ready" AJ slapping me woke me up.
"What the hell kind of scary ass dream were YOU having?" I sat up, breathing heavy and put my hand to my chest. This had AJ worried.
"Oh God, Brian are you all right? Kevin!" Kevin walks back up the isle to see why AJ is frantically calling him.
"I'm fine J, I say once my pulse manages to slow down to normal." Kevin meets us at our seats and looks me over. He knows about the dreams. I told him about them while we had our little talk. We stand to leave the plane and Kevin pulls me back.
"Another dream?"
"Yup"
"Same one?"
"Always"
"Are you okay?"
"I will be"
"Good" He then walks right behind me and we start to exit the plane. I am stopped by a stewardess who lovingly smiles at me.
"Mr. Littrell, I'm so sorry to hear about Mr. Carter's disappearance. On behalf of our crew we just want to say we are keeping him and all of you in our prayers.
"Thank You so much um..." I look at her name tag before continuing on, "Anita"
"Thanks Anita and we appreciate that. We could use all the prayers we could get." I then gave her a peck on the cheek. She blushed slightly and then moved out of our way.
Walking down the runway all of the fear I had in the dream came back to me until I saw Leigh standing there. She looked radiant and my fear was temporarily replaced with longing. I grabbed her and we kissed and hugged each other.
"Welcome home baby" She said to me as I held her.
"I needed to see you, you have no idea!" I whispered into her ear as tears once again freely escaped my eyes. We then walked together to my car where I had to remind myself one more time of the pact we had all made in the plane.
"Fresh start!" I took the keys from my wife and we drove back to our house in Los Angeles..
Revelation by Mare
