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Chapter 67:

Nastasia stared back at Howie, not really understanding the words that had been muttered from his lips. His eyes were dark and warming. A part of her wanted to reach out and hold him tightly, make him forget, another wanted to just get it over with and shut her lights out. She stared back at him blankly, "What'd you say?".

" I said I want the baby, I always have Stazzie. I always have... " Howie choked as he stared into her dull eyes. He wanted so much to just reach out and hold her, but he was afraid how she would react.

"But...I...." Nastasia looked away for a moment, tears stinging her eyes. She wiped them away pitifully, she wasn't allowed to cry, she wasn't allowed.

" But you what? " Howie asked slowly, swallowing in a gulp of air.

"I'm...I'm so confused...I can't...I can't...." Nastasia found herself rambling. She scooted off the bed and fell limply to the floor. She brought her legs up and hugged them tight, slowly rocking herself like she used to when her father was in a drunken rage...Trying to find her...

Howie's heart shattered into a millon pieces right before his eyes. He slid off the bed and sat next her. He just wanted to comfort her, hold her in his arms again and make everything right. " Please don't do this to yourself Stazzie, please... "

"How can I not..I'm...I'm...I'm fine..." She whispered as she rocked herself back and forth, "I'll be fine...fine...fine..."

Howie shook his head sadly. " No Stazzie, look at yourself. Don't do this to yourself...baby, I love you so much and it kills me to see you doing this... "

"Do...Doing what?" Nastasia sniffled as she brought her hands back up to her eyes and rubbed them, stupid tears.

" You're hurting yourself and you don't even realize it. Baby, it kills me to see you do this! " Howie whimpered.

" I'm...I'm sorry. "

" Please don't do this to us...to the baby, " Howie whispered, breaking up on the last words as he began to sob harder.

"Howie...Don't...Oh God don't cry..." Nastasia whimpered, she reached out to him and placed her arms around him as she began to cry too, "I don't want to hurt you...but god...you can't tell...you don't...you don't want the baby... "

Thoses words broke him apart. Why wouldn't she believe him? There had never been a moment when he didn't want the baby. " Stazzie, that's not true. I've always wanted the baby, why can't you just see that? " he asked, wrapping his gentle arms around her frail body.

"Because...you were....about to hit...me...how...how could you want something that is a part...of...me...of trash..." Nastasia asked as she accepted Howie's warm embrace. She thought back to all the times where she found her father's sharp hit...then Howie's gentle embrace...She quivered.

" Don't say that baby, you're not trash. You're the most important thing in my life. I can't live without you. Damn your father for saying that to you because you are far more precious then anything I have ever known. You are what keeps me going, baby. You are. " He held her closer, never letting go.

Howie felt Nastasia lean all her body weight against him as he held her close to his body. He loved the feel of her in his arms. The sensual smell of roses in her hair.

" You mean everything to me, Stazzie! I don't wanna lose you, " he whispered in her ear. " And please believe me Stazzie, I don't want to lose the baby either. "

Nastasia closed her eyes, relaxing into Howie's arms, her sobs finally coming under control. The sincerity in his voice let her know he was serious and she believed him.