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Chapter 26

Kerry sighed as she continued to stare at the ceiling. She just couldn't bring herself to sleep. Everytime she closed her eyes, either that night replayed in her mind, or she wondered if Nick was okay. In her heart she knew that he never meant to hurt her, but in the end, he had. She was hurt in every definition of the word. Emotionally, physically, and physiologically. Scars had been left through out her body and her soul. As much as she wanted to hate Nick, her heart wouldn't let her. She had fallen inlove with the man he was before the drugs. That was the man that she wanted to be with.

She knew better now. That man would never be back. Nick would be forever changed. Even if he did get better, he would still be different. He wouldn't be that same innocent man that she had met and fallen in love with. He was dead, gone forever. Though she was sure that she could learn love the new Nick, part of her didn't want to. It was his fault she was in the emotional state that she was in. She had trusted him and he hurt her more than she ever imagined possible. Oddly, she had decided that it wouldn't have been as bad if he had cheated on her. At least that way, she wouldn't have any visible scars to show the world.

From now on, her life was going to be different and that was all because of what Nick did in one night. In one night, so many things happened. Dreams were shattered; she thought that they were going to spend the rest of their lives together that's how much they loved each other. Innocence was lost; he had shown her that he was capable of doing things that she had vowed would never let happen to her. When they first started dating, everyone was constanly telling her that it was a bad idea to get involved with Nick.

They said that he was just using her. There was no way that some major pop star could love a regular everyday girl, but she knew that Nick wasn't like that. He was capable of falling in love with any girl that had the right qualities. Kerry just happened to be that girl. At first, things were better than she ever could have imagined. Soon, like everyone had insisted from the beginning, things started to go bad. Nick had begun drinking, but at first, Kerry didn't think much of it. He was of age and wanted to give it a spin.

Then things became worse, and that's what made he wish that she had said something sooner. Even though she knew that Nick would tell her that he was alright and he wouldn't let things get out of control. If only she could change the past. Go back knowing what she knew now. None of this would have happened. She would have never accepted Nick's invitation. At least that way she wouldn't have to deal with all of this pain.

She pulled her blanket up a little higher and rolled onto her side. As much as Nick hurt her, she still wanted to know if he was doing okay because she wanted him to. Deep down he was a great guy. It just became lost in all of Nicks emotions. Once it was uncovered again, she knew that he would be able to go out and live a good life. It just wouldn't be with her because she made a promise to herself that she wouldn't go back to Nick. If he had done this once, what assurence did she have that he wouldn't do it again.

"Kerry," a soft voice came from her bedroom door. She looked up to see her brother standing there. A half smile casually appeared upon her face.

"Hey," she said quietly.

"You got a visitor," he informed her.

"Who is it?"

"AJ," he answered, "he just wants to see how you've been."

"Okay, send him up here," she told her brother. He smiled at her and stepped out of the room and AJ came in immediately following her brother.

"Hey girl, how are you?" he asked handing her a little teddy bear that he had brought for her on his walk over. She smiled and accepted the bear.

"A little better, but not much," she told him.

"The guys and I've been thinking about you. We just wanted to make sure that you were alright," he explained to her.

"Thanks for the thought," she replied.

"No problem Kerry," he said as his eyes began to wander around her room. It was evident that she hadn't left it in days, weeks even. Not that AJ could blame her, he had no idea what she was going through. It was just impossible.

"How's Nick?" she asked suddenly. AJ took a long breath as he turned his attention back towards her. He was kind of hoping that she wouldn't ask. Part of him had hoped that she had seen everything on tv by now and wouldn't feel a need to ask. On the other hand, he was happy that she cared. She was a great person even considering what had happened to her.

"I really don't know how to answer that question," AJ started. He was aware of what happened ealier at Brians house and everything before that. He just didn't know how to verbalize it, "a lot of shit happened to him."

"Like what?" she asked. Through that question it became obvious that she had completely shut her self out of the entire world. It had been breaking news on all of the television stations. 'Nick Carter Arrested at Clinic,' it was only a matter of time before the press picked up on everything, no matter how much they tired to hide it.

"He was arrested," he answered.

"For what?" she asked, concerned. AJ could tell that she still loved him. It was in her voice. It was in the way that she asked him questions like this. She really wanted to know if she could have the old Nick back. 'Good luck on that sister' AJ thought to himself. Having coming from a similar situation, he knew what changes would take place after he was better.

"Security at the clinic found a bottle of those pills in his bag, but they weren't his. We're sure of that because Brian was the one who packed his bag. We checked it over and over again. There wasn't anything in there," he explained.

"So they had him arrested for that?" she asked, "so who put that stuff in his bag if it wasn't you guys?"

"We don't know who put it in his bag, we're trying to find out now. From what Nick and Brian told me, they just took him into this ladies office, she pulled out the bottle and the police were there to take him away. Brian went to the station with Nicks lawyer and they got him outta there, but he has to stay with Brian until they know what happened. Then this morning, Nick had this break down. He went totally nuts. He fell onto the floor screaming 'don't let them take me,' he's really out there."

"Are you just saying that to make me feel bad?" she asked softly.

"No, you asked what happened and I told you. That's all. Kerry," AJ said looking her in the eye, "I'm not here to convince you to go and talk to Nick again. You've made your decision and I respect that. I just want to make sure that you know that."

"I know AJ. You're good like that," she replied, "you're a good guy J."

"Thanks, but enough about me, are you sure you're doing alright?" he asked.

"A lot better than I thought I would be doing. It's just there's a lot that comes with what happened. I'm never going to be the same again. Nick took a lot away from me and it's not that easy to just forget and move on."

"I'm sure it's not. I kind of have an idea where you're coming from, I mean there's no way that I can really know what you're going through, but I do know that somethings are hard to overcome, I know at least that much."

"But at least you had a choice," she said with tears starting to fill her eyes, "what Nick did to me, I can't change. I did everything I could that night to stop him but none of it worked. I had no say in the matter."

"Shhhhh," AJ said as he walked over to the bed to hug her, "I didn't mean to make you cry. I just wanted to be there for you, to help you, that's all. Please don't cry."

"AJ what did I do that would make Nick want to do this to me?" she said as she cried holding on tightly to AJ. He hadn't meant for this to happen. He just thought that he could help.

"I don't know honey, but it wasn't the Nick that you and I know that did this to you. Okay? We both know that the Nick that we know would never knowingly do anything that would destory you like this has."

"But he did AJ," she countered, "I told him to stop before things got too bad but he didn't listen to me AJ, he just didn't care and that's what happened. It's all his fault."

"Come on relax," AJ said when he heard her sobs becoming more powerful, "you're going to be just fine Kerry. You're a very strong woman and you're going to make it, alright honey? Just be strong."

"I love him," she mumbled. AJ paused when he heard what she muttered. Regardless of what Nick put her through, she still cared and that's what was bringing her down. He'd been prepared to talk her down from wanting to tear him to shreds from hatred. To talk her out of a state of depression, but he couldn't have even imagined that she would still love him. Most women would have had no problem walking away from the man that had caused them so much pain.

"What?" he asked, just to make sure that he heard her right. Because in his mind, there was no possible way that he could have heard her right.

"I still love him AJ, that's what makes this so damn hard. I want to let go but I just can't," she confessed with her tears becoming more consuming, "I still want to be with him, but I know it's not right. Not after what happened."

"Well, he can change Kerry, if that's what you're worried about. You were right to leave him when you did because he was in a bad situation that would have probably hurt the both of you, but now, he wants to change he wants to get help. So, if you're willing to maybe just talk to him, maybe we can straighten this whole thing out," AJ suggested. He wasn't sure what was going to happen upon Nick and Kerry seeing each other again. He wasn't sure if it was even the right thing to do at this point.

Kerry might end up blowing off steam and causing him to go back into the deep state of drepression that they had found him in. At this time, that would be the worst thing for both of them. Nick would lose control of his life again and Kerry would be away from Nick, who she claimed to still love. In the end, it may bring her a feeling of grief because she might feel that she was the one that brought on the negative turn of events that might occur. Maybe bringing them together again was the worst thing to do. Later when they were both had a clear mind about what happened would be a better time to have them speak.

"Can you take me to go see him?" she asked as she looked up at AJ, her eyes glazed over with tears. His eyes locked with hers and his heart almost broke when he saw the look of pain on her face. He couldn't tell her no, not when she was like this. Against his better judgement, a small smile played across his face.

"Sure honey, we could go see him," he answered, trying to hide the uncertainty in his voice. He didn't want to trouble her more than she already was. Though he wasn't completely sure what sort of impact that this was going to have on Nick. Hopefully it would do nothing but good for him. The only thing that AJ could do now was hope that everything worked itself out. He knew that Nick was at Brians, which he knew would give Kerry someone else to talk to. Brian was always good when you needed someone to talk to. He was always there, willing to listen and offer advice.

"Thank you AJ," shw whispered as she slowly pulled away from AJ and off of her bed, "I'm just going to take a quick shower and get dressed alright?" AJ nodded and she disappeared into the bathroom. In a moment of panic, AJ reached for his cell phone. He was going to call Brian to see if he thought that this was a good idea. Shakily his fingers dialed the numbers and he waited as the phone rang.

"Hello?" Brian anwered.

"It's AJ. I'm at Kerry's but she wants to come over to see Nick, what the fuck should I do?" AJ said quickly. He wanted to get this conversation over soon so that Kerry wouldn't know what he was doing.

"What did you tell her to make her want to see him?" Brian asked, shocked that Kerry would even consider talking to Nick, now, or even ever for that matter.

"Nothing, she just out and said that she wanted to go see him. I mean she asked about what happened and I told her, but I don't think that was enough because it wasn't before."

"Okay just bring her over," Brian told him, "I'll try and get Nick to look as decent as I possibly can. He looks like shit."

"Don't worry, she's not really herself either. I think it might help them to see each other at their worst. It might help them to apprciate things when they're are the best."

"Alright yeah, just don't be too surprised when you see him and he doesn't look much like the old Nick," Brian warned, "and make sure she's prepared to handle that too."

"Okay, I'll try my best man."