[ - ]
Table of Contents [Report This]
Printer Chapter or Story Microsoft Word Chapter or Story
- Text Size +
Chapter 10: By Way of Actions

'Why I am writing in this is beyond me. Besides the fact that I take this thing with me everytime I go on tour and I never write in it, maybe it's because if I start uttering my thoughts and feelings outloud, then everyone will think I'm crazy. On second thought, they probably already do. Knowing them, they probably have since the day they met me and they will think that of me until the day I die. Who am I to blame, though? Nobody but myself. I am the so-called "rebel" after all. Rebel without a cause. The crazy brother of the group.

Whatever.

That's the thing that gets me the most sometimes. You get categorized once and you're tatooed with the category for the rest of your life. It's funny that I should use the analogy of 'tatooed'. How many am I up to now? Maybe I should get another one... Back on subject though, who are they to say I'm crazy, if they actually think that? If anything, they will be the cause for the loss of my sanity. They, being my four "brothers", my four friends... No, I take that back. My so-called friends. They are the ones who will push me so far over the edge that I will lose my sanity.

Damn.

Maybe I need to start writing from a place that might actually make sense if I ever come back to read this bunch of jibberish, that at the moment, is making no sense to me. It's also not helping that I can't even read my own hand writing, and when that starts to happen, what do you have left?

Lately, everything seems to be crashing down around me. My whole life if I should put it bluntly. I feel trapped when I really think about it and that's starting to kill me inside. That's what I really feel like what's happening. The first brick falls out of place and the rest of the building crumbles down afterwards. The first brick fell when my heart was crushed three months ago. I know I'm still not over it, over her, and I'm starting to admit that, despite the fact that I've been denying it ever since it happened. But that was just beginning. I really believed that when I found her, I was finally able to pull my life together. That I would finally be able to get on the right track for once and show people that 'Hey, I'm not as bad as you think. I'm a human being with just as much feelings as you! I'm allowed to make mistakes, aren't I?'

Once again, I guess this comes to show that my life isn't meant to ever be 'on track' as I like to put it. Or maybe this is just God's way of warning me early that I'm damned to spend the rest of eternity in the firey depths of Hell from all of my sins from my early life up until now. I'm not perfect, ya know?

The way I see it is everyone expects me to be, perfect that is. According to them, I have no feelings, I'm not human, and damnit, I'm not allowed to make mistakes. No, in their eyes, I'm supposed to be perfect. Not everyone was meant to be a saint!

Whoever came up with the word perfect anyway? Because I'd really like to know what defenition they had in mind when they thought up such a word.

These past few weeks have been pure Hell for me... Hey, is that where I am now? Kevin has been on my case about the littlest mistakes that I seem to make and frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of his shit. Out of all of them, I can easily say he would be the first one to make me go crazy. I'm beginning to think he already has me heading in that direction. I don't know what's been stuck up his butt lately, but I seriously think he finds pleasure in directing all of his PMS'ing bullshit towards me. What's he trying to do, lower my self-esteem lower then it already is, to the point where it's completely diminished?

I wouldn't be surprised...

I don't know, it's just...lately, everything has been getting harder for me to handle, and I know that sounds weak, but I'm tired of being the "bad boy rebel" and having to hold the strong, tough image that comes along with it. I never asked for that role. It was shoved in my face the moment I chose to throw away the normal life I knew and follow my dream. By all means, I don't regret it and I never will, but sometimes, people just push things too far, and that's when someone goes crazy and it's too late to say "Ease up a little, would ya?"

Two nights ago I had seriously thought that I had gone crazy. I couldn't take it anymore, the day had gone horribly with too many mishaps to my name, and everyone, not just Kevin, was jumping my case for each and every mistake. 'Damnit AJ, stop screwing around! We have a schedule to keep!' 'Great going AJ, once again you screwed up!' 'Are you some kind of idiot, AJ!?' I seriously snapped that night and couldn't take it, so I ran. When I first ran, I had no idea where I was going, but I ended up on a bridge, with still no direct plan or action in mind. Eventually I found myself sitting on the edge of the bridge with only one thing in mind, and since I have trust that noone will be reading this but me, I had decided to end my life that night. I almost did too, but she came along. I can easily say she is the answer to my prayers when I was ready to jump and she doesn't even know it.

Jameelah.

The moment I looked into her eyes I knew I couldn't go through with the plan my screwed up head had come up with. There was just something about her that wouldn't let me go through with it. And now I could never be more thankful that she had come along when she did. I know if she hadn't of come along, I wouldn't be writing this right now. That I can say for sure.

I made plans with her that night to spend the next day with her since the fellas and I would be leaving the day after. Of course, Howie had to break the news to me that there was a meeting that day. Screw that. I didn't give a crap about some meeting. My mind was set on spending the day with Jameelah. I don't know what it was, but I felt like I needed to spend that day with her. The wierd thing was, and I still can't explain it is, it was like I felt...safe around her.

So being the "rebel" I'm made out to be, I conjured up the idea of having Howie cover for me by telling the fellas that I was 'deathly ill' with the flu. Yeah, good idea AJ. That's really gonna work. Note the sarcasm in my writing. Of course, I personally didn't care whether Lord Richardson found out or not. Screw some meeting that I would be sitting in hours on end without doing anything. That's the way I looked at it.

Being with Jameelah that day totally changed the way I was feeling. The day seemed to be going perfect for once and it felt so perfect just being in her presence. I hadn't even known her for a day and I already felt so close to her. Which reminds me how much I really miss her right now and it's been less then 24 hours since I've last seen her...

But all good things have to come to an end, right?

It doesn't matter who you ask that question, because the answer is yes. Leave it to Lord Richarson himself to ruin things for me. To tell the truth, it is very rare that I have ever seen Kevin look as mad as he did last night when Jameelah and I returned back to the hotel. And damn him for being the reason that Jameelah ran off.

Trust me when I say I have so much respect for Kevin, but when someone disrespects me like he did, you don't get away with it. I admit that, yes, I was way out of line reacting like I did, but I was so pissed off that I was far from being in the right state of mind to make a rational decision.

But the moment that Brian and Howie burst into the room and Howie pulled me off of Kevin, I realized how much I had screwed up once again. I had hurt one of my closest friends because I had reacted like an idiot. Hence the title that I'm sure every one is sure to give me now, " AJ McLean, the biggest idiot and screw up of all time". The look Brian gave me that night... Damn, I really did screw up. I never
thought I would ever see Brian give me such a look of hatred as he had
directed towards me. Brian of all people. You really have to piss him off to get such a look from him and I succeeded in doing so.

So now Kevin and Brian hate me because of my stupidity, and come to think of it, I don't blame them. On another note, I can't even begin to explain how pissed off I am at my other two so-called friends, though. I'd like to know who they thought gave them the right to talk about me behind my back like I heard them doing earlier this morning. Bet they don't even suspect that I heard them. And I'm the one who is stupid sometimes? I guess I'd expect Nick to do it, but Howie, my best friend of all people, I expect more respect out of him. And the fact that he betrayed me...that's what hurts.

But maybe I'm wrong with all of this. Maybe I've been bringing this all on myself all along. Or maybe I'm just being punished for who I am. If that's the case...then strike me now God!

I can't handle this anymore...'

~From the journal of AJ McLean

Upon hearing a knock on his hotel room door, AJ quickly signed his name on the page he was writing on, then stuffed the black leather cover journal into his duffle bag that had yet to be removed from the end of his bed. The knocking still persisted as he worked on re-zipping the zipper to enclose the tiny journal of which held his deepest thoughts and feelings. "Hold on!" he grumbled as he finished with the zipper, jumping up from the bed and hurrying over to the door. He wondered who had come to bother him. There were only four possible choices he could think to choose from, and unfortunately, it was four people who he least wanted to see at the moment. But the question was, which one was it?

He reached the door and stuck his hand out to grasp the handle, but he
stopped himself. He eyed the peep hole and decided to look through first, thinking there might be a slight possibility that it wasn't any of them and maybe someone else. He had learned from too many unfortunate incidents in the past of him opening his hotel room door after hearing a knock and being mauled by a group of hormonal teenage girls. His dark eyes traveled up to the peep hole and he froze.

At that moment, he almost wished it were a group of teenyboppers standing outside his door after he saw who was actually standing there. He almost wished it were. Almost. Glaring through the peep hole, he was tempted to ignore the person standing there and go about what he was doing, but he figured he had more respect for others then what this person obviously had.

His hand whipped out and grasped the door handle and he pulled the door open. The man standing there jumped back in surprise at his abrupt answer to the knocking. AJ ignored it and crossed his arms over his chest. "What do you want?" he asked in a gruff voice as he stood there, leaning against the door frame, as if he were protecting his territory.

Howie almost looked at AJ in surprise because of the tone of voice he was using. "You want to explain what your problem was on the bus this morning?" he asked in reply.

AJ wanted to scuff at the fact that Howie was acting so blind to the reason why he was so angry at the moment. He just stared at the shorter latino, his eyes narrowing. "You should fucking know what my problem is."

"Obviously I don't if I'm here asking you," Howie told him, his eyes still masked with confusion.

'You really are stupid' AJ thought as he felt the anger boil within him. "Trying to act innocent doesn't go over well with me, Dorough."

"What are you talking about? I asked you a simple question and I would like to know the answer."

"Figure the answer out yourself, though I think you already know it."

"I don't like your attitude, Aje."

'You don't like me attitude?' Again, AJ's eyes narrowed further. "You need to leave."

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on."

"I have no desire to talk to you."

"That's too bad."

'Just keep your cool AJ' he mentally told himself. "Get the Hell out of-"

AJ was abruptly cut off when he heard his cellphone ringing on the nightstand and giving Howie an icy look, he turned around to go answer it. Upon retrieving it, he flipped it open and brought it up to his ear. "What?" he growled.

"Excuse me?" came a woman's voice on the other end.

"Hello?" AJ asked in confusion.

"Is that how you always answer the phone when your mother is calling?"

AJ's eyebrows furled and he quickly looked at the caller id. Sure enough, his mother's name and number was shown across the screen. "Hey Mom..." he answered back, feeling foolish for the way he had answered.

"What's wrong honey? You sound upset," Denise immediately replied.

There was a moment of silence before AJ finally answered, subconciously sighing before he spoke. "Nothing's wrong," he said, rubbing his temples as the words left his mouth. He could feel Howie watching him and his anger boiled harder. "Howie and I were just debating something."

"I must be interrupting then. Do you want me to let you go?"

"No, Howie was just leaving," AJ answered, turning around to look at Howie as he said this.

"I'm sorry honey, but I have another call. Promise me you will call me later? You didn't call the other night and I was worried because I haven't spoken to you for a while. Are you sure everything is alright?"

"Yes, everything is fine, Mom."

"Alright. Call me later when you get a chance. I love you."

"Love you too, Mom," AJ answered quietly, not wanting to hang up with his mother. It brought great relief and comfort to hear her voice, that he almost felt like begging her to ignore the in-coming call. Relunctantly, he flipped the phone shut, though, and stuffed it in his pocket, then looked up to find Howie still standing there. "I thought I told you to leave."

"What is your problem, AJ?" Howie asked, looking at AJ with complete confusion.

"My problem? You really want to know my problem, Dorough? You're my problem."

"Excuse me-"

"No, I used to think you were my friend, my best friend."

"I am your best friend-"

"Correction. Used to be my best friend. That is until you started talking shit about me behind my back, and to Nick of all people. If you got problems pertaining to me, Dorough, then you talk to me about them!" AJ growled, feeling as if he was foaming at the mouth. He couldn't keep the words from spewing from his lips, he was so angry at the moment. And he didn't care how hurtful his words were being. In his mind, Howie deserved this talk.

"What the-"

"Just get the Hell out of my room."

Howie stood there for a minute, looking dumbfounded and shocked at the same time. A look of complete hurt crossed his face as he seemed to search for something to say, only he turned around and walked out the door without saying anything. AJ sighed as he stared at the closed door, his words replaying over and over in his mind. He really had been harsh towards Howie just now... He wasn't going to worry over it though. Howie had deserved it.

With that last thought, he reached for his jacket and key card, then slammed out the door.

He needed to get out for a little bit.

*****

Nothing more then the gentle lapping of the waves against the shore, did AJ hear besides his own breathing. He was alone outside with nothing more to keep him company then his own troubled thoughts. It was not the type of company he wished to have at that very moment, he wanted something more.

The temperature had dropped several degrees since he had wandered into one of the local water-front parks in the city they were now in. A slight breeze had picked up and nipped at his ears from where he sat on a cold bench. His eyes were trained somewhere off in the distance and he was able to focus on nothing more then an endless dimming horizon of ocean. The sun was nearly out of sight now and he seemed to be the only one present in the park. He was glad about that to some extent, though.

He shook his head, scuffing as he thought an unknown thought. His mind was clustered with too many issues that had been thrown at him. He found himself unconciously rubbing his temples, a habit he had formed lately when he was stressed or had too much on his mind at one time. This was defenitely a moment he had too much on his mind and he shook his head again.

His mood had changed drastically from crappy to just plain shitty and depressed in a matter of minutes after he had left the hotel. AJ couldn't help but feel that he had treated Howie unfairly, despite how many times his mind kept telling him that Howie had betrayed him. That was one thing that he completely despised about himself. He always ended up being too much of a softy.

AJ sighed in frustration. He didn't know what he was going to do. First he had succeeded in getting Brian and Kevin against him, and now he was nowhere near wanting to have anything to do with Howie or Nick. As far as he was concerned, he had noone at the moment. He was left clueless.

At the rate he kept screwing up, pretty soon there would be nothing left for him. He was even surprised that he hadn't gotten his own mother to hate him yet. It was only a matter of time though, he thought. Maybe he should have done what he was going to do on the bridge...

"Stop it," he told himself outloud. His mind was starting to reel again with all of the crazy thoughts that had been tormenting his brain for so long. It was such thoughts that had begun to harm him in ways that had always scared him. He was beginning to turn back into someone he didn't even know.

Many minutes passed by as AJ sat there silently, staring off into the distance. At least the calming feeling of the ocean brought him some peace. He always loved being on the coast, where he felt he could always let loose of his worries and watch them float away on the drift.

It took him a second before he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He stared at it for a moment, debating on who he was actually going to call. Originally he was thinking about calling his mother back, but then decided against it and hit the speed dial button for Jameelah's place.

One ring...

Two rings...

AJ became discouraged as the third ring had come and gone. He was ready to hang up, but right as the fourth ring sounded, the call was abruptly answered, making AJ pause.

"He-lllooo?" came the energetic answer, making AJ cringe on his end.

AJ frowned, it wasn't Jameelah who had answered the phone, which he was hoping with all hope that she would be the person to answer. Immediately he knew who the voice belonged to...Jenny. "Yeah, is Jaymee there?"

"Yes, may I ask who's calling?" Jenny asked.

"It's Alex."

"Hey Alex, how's it going? Jaymee said you left this morning!"

"Yeah, we left early. Can I talk to Jaymee?"

"Jaymee was a bit down about the fact that you had to leave."

"Can I talk to her?"

"I think she really misses you!"

"Can I please talk to her?"

"You going to come back and visit her sometime?"

"Damnit Jenny, can I please talk to Jaymee!?" AJ rose the tone in his voice as he became irritated with the fact that Jenny was stalling. It wasn't that he wouldn't mind talking to Jenny, it was that he had called to talk to Jameelah and he really needed to talk to her.

There was a pause on Jenny's end.

"Hello?" AJ called out.

"You're lucky I don't hang up on you for acting so rude to me," Jenny hissed at him.

Then he heard the phone being shuffled.

"Alex?" Jameelah called out.

"Hey babe," AJ greeted quietly.

"How are you doing? Are you in the next city already?"

"Yeah..."

"And the trip went ok? How long did it take?"

"Pretty long...I slept most of the way..."

"Tired are ya?" Jameelah laughed.

"Yeah..."

"Are you at your hotel right now?"

"No..."

"On the bus?"

"No..."

"Then where ya at?"

"A park?"

"You must like parks, huh?"

"It's by the water. I needed somewhere peaceful to go for a little bit..."

"Where's the guys at?"

AJ paused, a sour feeling passing over him as Jameelah asked him where the fellas were. "...At the hotel."

It was Jameelah's turn to pause this time and she became quiet for a second. She noticed that AJ wasn't as talkative as she had expected he would be. His voice was quieter then usual, and if she wasn't mistaken, he seemed down and depressed, which concerned Jameelah. "Alex?"

There was no answer on AJ's end.

"Alex?" Jameelah called out again. "Alex, are you still there?"

"...Yes," AJ sniffled out, letting go of a stiffled sob.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?" Jameelah immediately questioned, swearing that she could hear AJ crying quietly on the other end. Yet again, there came no answer from AJ. "Alex?"

"T-they hate me, Jaymee!" AJ sniffled, trying hard to hold back the tears that had suddenly come and hit him full force. He didn't want Jameelah to think he was crazy for crying over the phone to her. He shouldn't even be bothering her with all of his worries. That's not why he had called her in the first place.

"What do you mean they hate you? Who does?" Jameelah asked, taken aback by the sadness in AJ's voice. She didn't understand what had come over him so quickly, when he had seemed fine earlier that morning when she saw him off.

"The fellas do," AJ answered, rubbing furiously at his eyes. He had to stop this foolishness, the foolish tears that he had started to cry, but he couldn't. they just kept falling.

"I don't understand what you mean, Alex. Why do you say they hate you?"

"Because I'm a screw up. A big screw up, and they even think so."

"That's not true."

"It is true, Jaymee. I know what they think of me, and they think I'm a big screw up. They're sick of me, they don't want me around."

"Alex, how could you even say that?"

"Because I heard it come from their mouths what they think."

"Who said it?"

"Howie and Nick. I heard them talking on the bus this morning right after I woke up."

"I'm sure you misheard them-"br>

"I didn't mishear anything. They hate me. Howie, my supposid best friend is sick and tired of me. None of them want me around, and after what happened last night, they all think I'm a major screw up..." AJ's voice trailed off as he realized he had said too much. He bit down on his bottom lip, hoping that Jameelah wouldn't think anything of what he had just said, but she did.

"What happened last night?" she asked.

"It's nothing," AJ quickly said. He really didn't want to get into it with her, that's why he had purposely not told her about it in the first place. But of course, he had to blab his big mouth, and now that he had said something about it, of course Jameelah was going to inquire about it.

"It's obviously something if you are this upset, Alex. Just tell me."

"I-I hurt one of my closest friends last night..."

"Howie?"

"No, Kevin."

Jameelah hesitated, remembering that Kevin had been the one that was waiting in AJ's hotel room when they got back. "What happened?"

"I was mad Jaymee, I didn't mean to react the way I did. I was just...he pissed me off. He really pissed me off."

"What did you do, Alex?"

"Gave him a bruised temple and a bloody -possibly broken- nose. I don't know because I haven't talked to him since Brian and Howie came in and Brian took him to the ER."

AJ heard Jameelah gasp and he frowned, knowing he shouldn't have told her. The tears continued to cascade freely down his cheeks as he sat there, trembling.

"Alex-"

"Howie came in and pulled me off of Kev so I couldn't punch him anymore and then Brian gave me a look of pure hatred as he tended to his cousin. That's when he left with Kev to take him to the ER. So Brian and Kev both hate me now and after hearing Howie and Nick talking about me this morning, I know they hate me too. I don't know what to do, Jaymee. I keep screwing up and my closest friends hate me now."

"I really don't think they hate you," Jameelah finally answered after a moment of silence. She really didn't know how to respond to what AJ had just told her. She was surprised at what AJ had done, since he had acted so normal this morning when she had seen him. She never would have guessed that had happened. "Alex, it's alright."

"You don't understand," AJ spoke quietly, gulping down a bout of sobs. "I can't handle them being against me. It's too much for me to handle...things just haven't been going well for me at all. I don't know what to do!"

"First you need to calm down," Jameelah told him softly, worried that he was becoming so upset. "Just calm down, ok? You won't do yourself any good by getting upset."

"But I don't know what to do..."

"Speak to them."

"None of them want to talk to me and I have no desire to talk to Howie or Nick at the moment."

"Then don't worry them right now. Focus on making up with Brian and Kevin. I know that's what you're most worried about right now."

"But-"

"Alex, I really don't know what to tell you because I don't know you and the guys, but from past experiences I know that it's better to try to work out the problem instead of leaving it alone and dwelling on it. Because if you do that, it's only going to get worse. I really think you should trying talking to Brian and Kevin as soon as you get the chance to."

AJ sighed, taking note of Jameelah's words. He knew she was right with everything she said and he knew what he had to do to try to set things right and he would start as soon as he got back to the hotel. "Thanks Jaymee..." he answered. "I'm sorry for bothering you."

"You weren't bothering me. I'm glad you called...because, I miss you."

That got AJ to smile a little. "I miss you too, as wierd as it may sound."

"It doesn't sound wierd at all."

"Well then, I'm glad because I really miss you."

"You're sweet, Alex," Jameelah giggled. "Listen, I have to go. Jenny's bugging me to come back and finish watching the movie we were watching. I will talk to you later?"

"Yeah, I'll call you later."

"Alright, bye Alex."

*****

AJ grasped at the warmth as he walked down the hall on the floor of the hotel they were staying at. He had passed his room a few doors back, and just rounded a corner to his right, continuing on.

'Room 324'

'Room 325'

'Room 326'

'Room 327' AJ stopped in front of the door as he looked at the little black numbers. His heart stopped for a second as he raised his fist to knock, pausing to think over what he was about to do. Finally, his fist came in contact with the door and he knocked several times, stepping away from the door and waiting.

It wasn't until a minute later did he hear shuffling in the room, then he heard, "Someone's at the door honey, I'll call you tomorrow before rehersal. I love you." AJ cringed as he heard the southern twang and the lock on the door clicked, then the door opened. As soon as the man saw AJ standing there, he shot an icy glare and went to slam the door shut in his face, but AJ held out his hand to stop him, determined.

"Brian, can we talk?"