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Chapter 12: I Have To Get Away

AJ stormed out the back of the hotel, glad it was like the previous one they had stayed in. He let the door slam behind him as he stepped into the cool morning air and leaned his back against the wall of the hotel. His breath hung in the air as he stood there, shivering against the cold. The backs of his eyes were beginning to sting as the tears started to well up.

His mind was in a total whirl, thinking about what had just happened in the conference room. He was just as much shocked as he expected his bandmates were, for he hadn't expected anything like to happen, and he never expected to say the last thing he had said before storming out o the room. But obviously the thought had been on his mind without his prior knowledge, though.

The anger and hurt was welling within him as he continued to stand there. He rested his head against the wall as he looked up at the sky for a minute. 'God, why is this happening?' he thought, blinking back the tears. He couldn't believe how the fellas had just acted towards him. Everything would have been fine if Brian wouldn't have said anything towards him in the first place. That's what had started it.

AJ looked down again and reached into his pocket to pull out a half-full pack of Camels cigarettes. That was another thing they didn't like, the fact that he still smoked. Well, he didn't care anymore as of that moment and he pulled out a cigarette and lit it up, taking a long drag. He didn't know what he was going to do now. After threatening to leave, he didn't think he could stay any longer. It had become too much for him and he couldn't handle it anymore. Not after what had just happened.

"AJ!"

'What the Hell is it now?' his mind yelled as he took another drag. He looked to see his bodyguard approaching him cautiously. 'That's right...approach me as if I'm some sort of criminal. Jerk.'

"You alright?" Jeff asked as soon as he had reached AJ and stopped next to him. He waited a second, but recieved no answer. "AJ?"

"What?!" AJ snapped, taking another long drag. He just wanted to be left alone.

"You alright, buddy?" Jeff repeated, catching AJ's attention and showing that he was genuinely concerned.

"What the fuck does it look like to you, huh?"

"I didn't come out here to have you snap at me. I came out here to make sure you're alright. I want to know what happened in there."

"What happened in there is none of your business, Jeff. You're my bodyguard, you have no right to know-"

"You're right, I am your bodyguard. But being your bodyguard also comes with being your friend, AJ."

'I don't have any friends' AJ thought pathetically.

"And I know better then to leave you alone right now. What happened in there didn't just come out of the blue. So tell me about it."

"I don't want to. It's none of your-"

"C'mon AJ, just chill out, alright?"

AJ sighed, resting heavily against the wall and looked at the cigarette he was smoking. He looked at it in disgust and threw it to the ground, but immediately produced a fresh one, lighting it up. "It's nothing, just a stupid argument..." he lamely told his bodyguard, refusing to make eye contact.

"That in there was not just some stupid argument," Jeff scuffed, leaning against the wall also. He crossed his arms over his chest, preparing himself to having to stay there for a while until he got a suitable answer out of AJ. "What caused that to happen in there?"

"It's nothing that concerns you..."

"After just witnessing that, yes, it does concern me," Jeff told him, stepping in front of AJ. He was determined to find out what was going on in AJ's head. "Listen to me, AJ. I've been working for you guys long enough to know when arguments that occur are normal. That in there was not normal. You were seriously pissed and I've never heard you seriously threaten to leave like you did. You want to explain what that was all about?"

"I can't do this anymore. I can't handle it," AJ answered, clearing his throat of phlem roughly. He brought the cigarette back up to his lips, closing his eyes for a mere moment.

"Can't handle what?"

"Them."

"As in Brian, Howie, Kevin, and Nick?"

"You got it."

"So what's going on between you and them?"

"Too much shit."

"Obviously, but care to go intol detail?"

'You aren't giving me any choice' AJ thought hatefully. He flicked the burning cigarette to the cement and crossed his arms over his chest. "If you haven't noticed, they're all against me. They're tired of having me around and they've been giving me a bunch of shit for the past month. Everytime I make a little mistake, they ride my back about it as if I'm the only one in the world who ever makes mistakes. Especially Kevin. He's been acting like the biggest asshole as if he's got a stick stuck up his ass. According to him, everything is my fault!"

"Uh-huh..."

"Forget it. I don't know why I'm bothering to tell you."

"Maybe it's because I care to listen and you shouldn't keep it inside of you?"

"Well that's bullshit."

Jeff furled his eyebrows. "With that attitude, no wonder they're giving you crap."

"Fuck you, Jeff."

"AJ, stop."

"No, if you came out here just to give me shit like the rest of them, then fuck you too!"

"That's not what I came out here to do, damnit. I want to make sure you're alright-"

"AJ, we need to talk!" Howie's voice pierced the air as the back door to the hotel burst open and he stepped outside.

AJ backed away from the shorter latino, shooting him an icy glare. "Just get the Hell away from me, Dorough! I don't want to fucking talk to you!"

"AJ, stop! We need to talk!"

"Leave me the Hell alone!"

"Chill out, AJ! If he's taking the iniative to speak civily towards you, then grant him the opportunity!" Jeff interrupted.

"No!"

"Why are you doing this, AJ!?" Howie exclaimed, shooting his hands into the air. His eyes were narrowed in confusion at his friend as he tried to get an answer by reading his eyes.

"Why am I doing this? WHY AM I DOING THIS?!" AJ screamed, pushing Howie up against the wall and holding him there, breathing heavily. "You of all people should know why I'm doing this, Dorough!"

"Stop it!" Howie yelled as he felt a stinging sensation run up his back from being shoved up against the cold wall.

"AJ!" Jeff yelled, trying to pull AJ away from Howie, but AJ pushed him away, ignoring him.

"All of you are too damn airheaded and full of yourselves to realize why I am acting this way! I'd expect you, out of all of them, to at least understand, but no! You're just as much of an asshole as they are! None of you understand how much you all have hurt me! You all treat me like shit! I'm at fault for everything! I'm the onlyone who makes mistakes, according to all of you! Well I'm not fucking perfect!"

"Aje-"

"No, get it through your thick head, Dorough! All of you need to! I'm sorry that I'm such a fucking dissappointment!"

"Aje-"

"Shut up! I hate them and I hate you!"

"AJ!"

AJ froze as Mike yelled out to him.

"What the Hell is going on?!"

AJ could feel himself shaking as he looked at Mike for a second, then looked back at Howie, who he was still holding against the wall. The shorter Latino was shaking beneath his grasp, and his tanned face held a look of complete sorrow and regret. AJ felt a pain stab him in the chest. "I fucking quit," he whispered, letting go of Howie to see him slide to the ground in shock.

Then he stormed back into the hotel, past Mike, not giving him a chance to protest.

"Howie?" Jeff called out, bending down and placing a hand on Howie's shoulder.

"Don't let Aje run off..." Howie's voice cracked quietly as he rested his head in his hands.

*****

AJ burst into his hotel room and slammed the door shut as hard as he could, surprised that it didn't fall off it's hinges since it rattled so much. His vision had become so blurry from his sudden bout of tears that he could barely see where he was walking, but he picked up his suitcase and threw it onto the unmade bed, then began throwing random possessions into it that were strewn around the room. The quicker he got everything together, the sooner he could leave, which was all he wanted to do now.

He stormed into the bathroom and gathered up his bathing products, comb, and electric shaver and tossed them into his suitcase. He felt ready to pass out from all the dizziness he was feeling, but he kept throwing all of his stuff into the suitcase. He couldn't stop, because if he did, he knew he would never get out. And he could not stay here any longer.

The room was beginning to spin around him as he threw his Adidas Runners into the open suitcase. Things were really going overboard for him, but no matter what he did, he couldn't slow down. He was set on packing everything up and getting the Hell out of there before anyone could stop him. He was sick of people stopping him from doing what he wanted to do.

Admist all of the pounding going on in his head, he made out a distinct pounding on his hotel room door. They just didn't know when to stop, did they? No, they had to keep on bothering him! "Go...away...!" he tried to yell as he proceeded to put more stuff into the suitcase. His voice just wouldn't project like he wanted it to. It came out so quiet and scratchy, like he was going mute. And the tears weren't helping either.

The pounding on the door just persisted, but he chose to ignore it. They had to go away sooner or later. AJ would be more then pleased if it was sooner. Then the pounding stopped, and just when he was guessing that they had gotten a clue, he could hear a key card being slid into the slot and the door was thrown open.

'Ignore them!' his mind told him, 'Just ignore them!'

"Alexander!" a familiar woman's voice rang out in AJ's ears, making him pause for a slight second. Then he felt a pair of hands grab hold of his arm and spin him around, catching him as he nearly stumbled to the ground. The voice rang again. "Honey, stop."

AJ's eyes grew wide at who he saw standing there and he lost hold of his emotions further. "M-Mom?" he stuttered, his throat clogged from the tears. He immediately wrapped his arms around his mother.

"Shhh..." Denise whispered as she hugged her son tightly. She felt overwhelmed with shock at how upset her son was at the present moment. Jeff had told her on the way up about how bad AJ seemed to be, but Denise never guessed it was this bad. "Sit down, Alexander..."

"Would you like me to stay, Denise?" Jeff asked politely from the doorway as he watched Denise sit with AJ on the bed.

"No, I can handle this, Jeff. Thank-you," Denise answered, offering her son's bodyguard a small smile. She rubbed AJ's back gently and as soon as the door was shut, she spoke again. "Alexander, what's going on...?"

AJ couldn't answer his mother, shocked that she was actually there, but still paralized from the trauma he had just put himself through. He buried his face in his hands as he felt his mother wrap her arms around him again and he leaned against her for support.

"Honey, you need to calm down..." Denise cooed softly to her son, holding him tightly in her arms. "I need to know what's going on with you. Please honey, calm down..."

"M-Mom...do...do you hate me?" AJ choked out, staying hunched over in his mother's arms. He choked again as he gasped for a sufficient amount of air to fill his burning lungs.

Denise was clearly surprised at the question her son had proposed to her and she looked at him with confusion. "Why would you even ask that, Alex?" she asked quietly, hurt welling in her. She couldn't stand seeing her son in so much emotional pain as he seemed to be in right now.

"Do you?" AJ cried, pushing his mother's arms away from him as he sat up.

"No," Denise answered with determination, she didn't hesitate as she answered. "Your my son and I could never hate you. Alex, why are you asking this? What's wrong?"

"Because I'm such a screw up! I figured you hated me right along with them. You have every reason to!" AJ rested his head in his hands again, shielding his tear laden eyes away from his mother. "I'm such a screw up, Mom!"

"Don't you dare say that, Alexander," Denise scolded her son lightly as she got down and rested on her knees in front of him. She desperately tried to get him to look up at her, but he was refusing as if he was ashamed.

"It's true though. They all hate me. They don't want me around. They're tired of me and how much of an ass and screw up I am!"

"Stop crying, honey."

"My best friend said he's embarassed of me!"

"Alex-"

"I can't handle this anymore, Mom!" AJ cried out again, his body shaking as he let loose of another round of sobs. "I don't want to do this anymore!"

For several minutes he didn't say anything, nor did his mother make an attempt to. Instead, she caringly rested her hands on his hunched shoulders, as if giving him time to let his sobs run out, but they only merely slowed down. His heart was pounding in his chest with extreme intensity and he felt so light headed, that he thought with one sudden move he would pass out.

He just wanted all of the pain to go away.

"Just take a deep breath, Alex," Denise instructed as he gagged while gasping for air. She reached around and rubbed his back soothingly until he had calmed down enough and was able to take control of the sobs that were racking his body. "Honey, look up at me."

Unwillingly, AJ lifted his face from the sanctuary of his hands, not making an attempt to dry his cheeks which were blotchy and stinging, stained from the tears.

"What's bringing this on?" Denise prompted as she got up and sat next to her son on the edge of the bed again. She kept a close arm wrapped around him.

"Everything..." AJ coughed, his voice coming out scratchy.

"Everything?"

"Everything bad has just been piling up on me lately. I've been trying so hard to push past it, but I can't do that anymore," AJ explained, resting his elbows on his knees. "They've all been getting after me, they're pissed at me because all I seem to be doing is making mistakes. Now they all hate me, and-"

"Breath between your sentences, Alex."

"Sorry..."

"Now, what do you mean they hate you? Who?"

"The fellas do. I've screwed up so much lately, and I know they're tired of it. Brian and Kevin hate me right now because of something I did and I can't stand Howie, or Nick, at the moment because of what I heard them say."

"Jeff told me you quit?" Denise asked her son quietly. "After you shoved Howie against the wall outside the hotel in the back."

AJ sighed, furrowing his eyebrows at the thought. He couldn't answer her, only nodded.

"And do you actually mean that?"

"I don't think I can handle this anymore, Mom."

"You don't or you can't, Alex?"

"Both..."

"Both isn't an option, honey."

"So..."

"I never knew of it being this bad between you and the guys. Stuff has ovbiously been going wrong...why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't want to bother you. I didn't want you to think of me as a big dissappointment."

"You're my son and I could never think of you as that."

"I don't feel that way."

"Alexander, listen to me. What have I always told you? No matter how tough things get, you don't give up. Especially on your dream. I don't exactly know how bad things have been, except for what Jeff was able to tell me, and I'm shocked to even hear that you've threatened to quit. Alex, that doesn't sound like you at all."

"But I can't handle this anymore..."

"You've never been the one to give up."

"But-"

"Why are you doing this now?"

"Because they all hate me..."

"I don't believe that, honey."

"They do, Mom."

"Do you truly know you want to quit, Alexander, and give up your dream? Everything you've worked so hard to accomplish for nearly the past nine years? Is that what you truly want to do?"

All AJ could do at that moment was look away in shame.

The question was, did he?