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Chapter 13: Just In Time

The sun shone high above in the early morning sky, sending warm rays onto AJ's face. He stood alone, deep in thought, on his hotel room's balcony. He had wandered out there shortly after his mother had excused herself from the room, saying it was important that she go speak to someone. AJ took the time to think things over.

His mind kept wandering back to an hour earlier and the horrible argument that had erupted between him and the fellas at the beginning of the meeting. That had been all too much of a shocker for him and the fellas, as he was sure it was for Mike and the bodyguards. He hadn't even planned on that happening, he didn't want anything negative to result out of that meeting, but much to his misfortune, it had.

AJ had then stormed outside to be alone and try to calm down, but his
bodyguard, Jeff, had followed him out to have a word with him about the
argument. AJ was sure that if he would have been left alone, everything
would have calmed down a bit, but to make matters worse, Howie had come out to speak with him also. This only added to the anger he was feeling towards the Latino. Despite the fact that Howie had tried to speak civily towards AJ, he blew up at him and ended up hurting him. The look of complete fear held in Howie's eyes when AJ shoved him against the wall, was haunting him now. He couldn't believe he had done such a thing.

The more he thought about it, the more he felt ashamed. He had acted like such a fool when he went ballistic on Howie. He could only imagine how much fear Howie had been feeling when he had reacted. AJ didn't blame though. He would have been scared too. In fact, he was scared.

Scared of himself.

"Ahem."

AJ heard someone clear their throat behind him and he looked over his
shoulder, thinking his mom had come back, but shock over came him when he saw who was actually standing there. His mouth became agape.

"Care for some company?" Kevin asked, leaning against the open sliding door frame.

AJ blinked, had he heard him right? "Y-yeah...sure," he answered after a moment, a bit hesitant of why Kevin was actually standing there. He watched as the taller Kentuckian pushed himself away the door frame and walked over to lean on the railing of the balcony.

"So...nice weather, huh?" Kevin asked in an akward tone, his green eyes
scaling the cloudless sky as he refused to look in AJ's direction.

"Yeah, I guess..." AJ's tone was just as akward.

The two men standing on the balcony were thrown into an uncomfortable
silence, both unsure of what to say to the other. Niether was sure of how to react with the other's present and each found their own way of dealing with the silence. AJ fidgeted with the few rings he had left on his fingers and Kevin twisted the black bracelet around on his right wrist.

"None of us want you to leave," Kevin spoke quietly after a while, still not looking at his fellow bandmate.

AJ looked sideways at the Kentuckian, the older one looking troubled with his thoughts. No words came to AJ's lips at that time, he could only look at Kevin, wondering if he was going to continue with what he had begun to say.

"We've never wanted you to leave," Kevin finally did continued. He stared down at his hands for a minute, biting his bottom lip.

"It sure doesn't seem that way," AJ found himself answering just as quietly.

"Listen J," Kevin began, leaning on the railing so he was facing AJ as he spoke. "I'm sorry that we haven't been treaty you fairly the past month...especially me. I realized that I really have been riding your back about alot of stuff, some of which isn't even your fault. I know you're not perfect, Hell, I ain't either. So I shouldn't be giving you crap about it. And I really want to apologize for the other night. I know that what I did was uncalled for, I shouldn't have been invading your privacy like I did. So I hope you can forgive me for that."

"Is your nose ok?" AJ asked after a few minutes, during which he stood thinking about the apology Kevin had just given. He didn't know what really prompted to ask such a question, he guessed he was curious.

Kevin scrunched his nose, wincing a bit as he did so. "Heh, it's a bit sore. I deserved it though."

AJ shook his head. "It's not broken is it?"

"No, sort of sprained, but not broken. If you would have hit it any harder, you would have broken it."

"Damn..." AJ sighed. "Kev, I'm really sorry about that."

"I don't hate you for it...just like I don't hate you for anything else. You had a right to be mad," Kevin answered, his brows furling. "To tell you the truth, I would have been just as mad as you were if I would have walked in to find you sitting in my room. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was just having a bad day and that was the frosting on the cake, the tip of the ice berg, the-"

"Alright Kev, I get the point," AJ chuckled.

"Just wanted to make sure I got my point across," Kevin replied with a grin. "But really Aje, I'm sorry for being disrespectful towards you lately. I know I don't have an excuse."

AJ hesitated a moment, then nodded. "All's forgiven, I guess," he shrugged.

Was all really forgiven, though?

"Are you really going to leave after the concert tonight?"

The question struck AJ to the point of being speechless. He really didn't know what he wanted to do anymore, so how could he answer that? He could barely answer his mother when she asked him nearly the same question. "I...I don't know..."

"Aje, we really are sorry-"

"Yeah, I hear ya."

"We don't want you to leave-"

"I'll think about it."

"Fair enough, I guess."

Silence settled over the two Backstreet Boys again. AJ didn't know what to say to his older bandmate. Kevin had been so sudden with his apology that AJ didn't know how to reply. Sure, Kevin had said he was sorry, and AJ had said he'd forgiven him, but how quickly AJ actually him and the rest of them, if at all? AJ sighed.

"What time is the interview?" he finally asked, not being able to handle the silence any longer.

"Don't worry about it," Kevin answered, standing up straight.

"What?" Confusion spread in AJ's eyes.

"It's at 10:30, but don't worry about going to the interview," Kevin repeated in a casual tone.

"Whoa, hold up," AJ interrupted. "There's gotta be a catch to that. I can't miss the interview-"

"Just take some time off," Kevin told him, not letting him protest. "We'll tell the DJ and everyone else that you're "really sick with the flu and need to rest up before the show tonight". They'll understand."

AJ grinned. "Thanks, I really appreciate it."

"No problem, bro. Just rest up, because you really looked stressed out."

'You have no idea' AJ thought.

"I catch you later though. Rehersal starts at 11:30, don't be late to that, alright?"

"I promise I'll be there on time."

"Ok. I'll see you later then. I need to round the fellas up and then go get ready myself. See ya at rehersal."

"Yeah, bye."

Kevin gave a nod of his head and AJ watched him disappear from the balcony. He felt strange now, partly for the fact that Kevin had all of a sudden come and apologized to him. And for what cost? The apology really had been too sudden. Was Kevin actually true with his apology, AJ wondered. The apology didn't settle the uneasiness he felt inside, though. Things just kept nagging at him.

He had decisions he needed to make now. One being whether he was going to leave that night after the concert and which way he would go about doing that if that was the case. Sighing, he walked away from the railing and back into the room. His first goal would be to get some more rest since he had been granted the time off, during which he would think things over carefully.

*****

The scene going on backstage at the concert that night was the atmosphere of a hectic mess. Stage crew, venue people, and people unknown were rushing around in all directions. The Boys' opening act had finished nearly twenty minutes before and the stage crew were still in the process of changing sets for the Boys to go on. It didn't prevent the crowds defeaning screams to lower more then a notch, though. They could still be heard from backstage and so on.

While the fellas were all doing their own things to get warmed up before they went on, including Brian and Nick both running up and down the way, causing more hectic mess then needed, AJ sat off in his own corner, scribbling on a yellow legal pad, his eyebrows furled deep in thought.

It was the way he had been since the time they had finished their soundcheck that night. He was more set to being off by himself and being left alone, rather then being a social person with everyone around. Who says he needed to be running around like a chicken with it's head cut off? His name wasn't Brian, nor was it Nick. 'And thank God for that' AJ thought as he scribbled some more on the pad.

He was really going to be glad when this night was over. That day had been one of the shittiest days he had ever experienced. The crap he had been dealing with had escalated so high that he thought there was no fixing what-so-ever, but he had been wrong partly with that. He was still shocked at the fact that Kevin had taken the iniative to apologize to him and had given him the choice of staying at the hotel instead of going to the interview (the radio staff sent him a get well card). Resting up had done him a bit of good, but he was hesitant when he headed over to the venue for rehersal. Kevin had been the only one to apologize to him so far and he wasn't too confident about being around the others. Especially Brian and Howie. Nick had been the first one to come up to him the minute he walked on stage and the tall blonde apologized to him profoundly. Of course, Nick was overdoing it and he sounded like a fool most of the time, so, AJ finding humor out of it, he let Nick's apology drag on for nearly five minutes before he told his blonde friend that he got the point. The rehersal started and it wasn't until their first break and AJ was sitting on the edge of the stage chugging down a water bottle, did Brian finally come over to talk to him.

The second Brian sat down for conversation, AJ nearly fell off the stage and wanted to run, thinking Brian had only come to rip him a new one. But surprisingly, that same warm, caring, friendly look had returned to his friend's blue eyes. Brian explained again why he had gotten so upset at AJ, but apologized for not giving him a chance to really apologize. He went on to explain that he was extremely concerned and didn't want AJ to think that he hated him. That conversation had brought relief to AJ the moment it was over.

The only one who hadn't come to speak to him was Howie.

In a way, AJ didn't blame him. He had scared the living daylights out of the shorter Latino earlier that day, so he wasn't surprised if Howie was scared to death to come near him. But the fact that he actually didn't talk to him was what disappointed AJ the most. Out of the fellas, it was Howie who he needed to make up more then anything. Sure, it made him feel better that apologies had been exchanged between him and the others, but without one being exchanged between him and Howie, things would never get better.

As AJ looked up from the legal pad for a second, he realized he didn't see Howie anywhere. The Latino seemed to be straying away from any area that AJ was in. AJ sighed, that was something he didn't know what to do about and he turned the page, continuing his writing on a blank one.

"J! Hey J!"

'Energetic, high-pitched, one octive too high, squeaky voice...oh God, help me!

A big blob of blonde came bounding towards him. AJ rolled his eyes and continued writing, figuring maybe if he ignored him, then he wouldn't be disturbed much.

No such luck at that.

"J! WHAT UP, BUDDY?!" Nick proceeded to scream right into AJ's ear.

"Damn Nick, I'm not deaf ya know?" AJ glared up at him, rubbing his ear. "Though thanks to you, I might be deaf now."

Nick shrugged, that same silly grin on his face that he always got right before they did a concert. "Did you see a man-"

"There's one standing right in front of me."

"Nah, not me, 'cause I see me. I'm saying did you see a man, about 'yay high, dirty blonde hair, always has a cheezy grin, was carrying a um...um...a thingy-ma-bob in his right hand-...no, his left hand! Did ya see him?"

"Um..." AJ thought for a second, playing along with Nick's childish games. And what the Hell was he trying to say that Brian was carrying in his left hand? "Yeah, I saw him go that way." AJ pointed down the way to his right.

"Thanks, Bro!" Nick grinned, then tried to peer over at what AJ had been writing on the legal pad. "Whatcha writin'?" he asked curiously.

"For me to know and you to find out," AJ answered, rolling his eyes as he held the pad out of Nick's view.

Nick furled his eyebrows. "C'mon man, let me see."

"No," AJ answered simply. 'Cause you'll find out tonight'.

"Fine, whatever," Nick pouted, trying to get AJ to give in. When it didn't work, he stomped off, leaving AJ to start writing again.

Not even five minutes later was AJ disturbed once again. He was about ready to look up and tell Nick to leave him alone, but found Brian standing there instead. "Hey AJ," he greeted casually.

"Hey 'Rok," came AJ's reply. "Is there a problem?"


"No, no problem. Just wanted to let you know that we have ten minutes 'til showtime and we were about to gather and do the group prayer. Care to join us?"

"Always have and always will. Just give me a minute and I'll be there." AJ waited until Brian had walked off before he returned to writing on the legal pad. He quickly finished and stuffed the pad into his duffle bag, then placed the bag underneath the chair he was sitting on.

Jumping up from the chair, he hurried over to the area where the crew and the fellas were all standing, gathered to do their annual group prayer that they did everytime before the concert. He was ready to take his place when he realized Howie was standing there, his back towards him, and he quickly moved away, moving to stand next to his mother who had come to the concert that night. He was tempted to say something to Howie right then, but everyone had already begun to lower their heads in prayer, and before he could get a word out of his mouth, Brian had begun to speak.

AJ sighed quietly, there was no chance to apologize to Howie now, and later was too late.

*****

Howie was pumped from the energy at the concert as he stepped from the elevator and began walking down the hall to AJ's hotel room. He hadn't had the guts to speak with AJ at all earlier, but now that he was in a better mood, he figured he needed to speak with AJ or try to. It was already killing himself inside that him and AJ weren't getting along what-so-ever. The fact that they had started fighting in the first place was just stupid. But Howie knew it was partly his fault.

He had wanted to speak with AJ before the concert, but every time he approached him, his nerves would take over and he would have to walk away. It was mostly for the fact of what AJ had told him earlier that day, "...and I hate you!". Usually he wouldn't have been affected by those words as he had heard AJ speak them before when he was extremely pissed off, but this time, Howie could tell AJ actually meant them when he said it.

Howie knew that he would never be able to live it down if he wasn't able to patch things up with his best friend. He had to do it tonight or it would just kill him worse then it already was. Now was the perfect chance since he had nothing better to, for everyone had already retreated to their own rooms. Both of the Kentuckian cousins retreated to their rooms as soon as they returned back to the hotel after the concert, saying they had to make important phone calls to their wives. Howie didn't even want to know. Nick, on the other hand, had zonked out on the ride back to the hotel. As soon as the concert was over, he had begun to complain of a terrible headache and sinus issues. Everyone, but Howie, was quick to joke that Nick had somehow caught AJ's "flu". Nick didn't take that joke lightly and as soon as they'd arrived, he rushed up to his room and hadn't been heard from since.

Howie retreated to a stop in front of AJ's door and raised his fist to knock. He recieved no answer and knocked again, figuring that AJ hadn't heard his first knock. But when he still hadn't gotten an answer after the third knock, he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out Denise's copy of AJ's hotel room key card. She had given it to him when they returned to the hotel that night and Howie had told her that he was going to speak with AJ.

Slipping the card into the slot, the door clicked open and Howie stepped inside. From the moment the door opened, he could hear the shower in the bathroom and he knew why AJ hadn't heard his knocking. The bathroom door was shut and the light was on, so Howie took a seat on the edge of the bed to wait. His eyes wandered around the room and he came across something that seemed odd to him.

Almost ten different medicine bottles lay open on the nightstand next to the bed, as if prepared and waiting to be used. Howie arched an eyebrow at the variety of medicine he saw. There was everything from pain killers that AJ had been prescribed several nights ago after his trip to the hospital, to over the counter pain killers, to plain old tyenol. Next to the neatly layed out bottles, was several sheets of folded yellow legal paper. Howie's heart nearly stopped as he reached for the papers and began to unfold them.

As he began to read, his heart completely stopped.

To whoever shall find me:

I've come to a final breaking point in my screwed up life and I don't have enough strength left in me to keep pressing forward. I've made too many mistakes during my years and I know I've hurt too many people. The fact that I've come to the realization of just how many people I have hurt...it simply has been killing me inside. For a long time now.

I've heard people tell me and others numerous times, 'when you have problems, get help, don't try to tackle them all by yourself.'. The way I look at it, trying to get help for my problems would just be burdening people more then I already burden them in the first place. I just can't deal with that anymore. It's too much...

To simply say I'm sorry for everything wrong I've ever done would not even begin to express my true feelings of how deeply sorry I am. I'm not asking for sympathy because I have nobody to blame but myself. It was my decision to be an asshole, it was my decision to be a screw up. I could have changed it, but I was weak. I wasn't the strong person everyone saught me out to be. No. I was nothing but a coward.

I don't have much time to say what I know I need to say, so I'm going to make this quick and move it right along.

To my four brothers:

Now that I think about it, I don't even know where to begin. I never thought I would push myself so far as to be sitting here right now and writing this to you guys. The four of you really were the brothers I never had and always wished for. For that, I will always be thankful. You all did more for me then you'll ever know and what I'm doing is not your fault. Please don't blame yourselves. Brian, thanks for being the friend I always needed. I knew I could always come and talk to you when ever I needed someone to listen to me. Nick, what can I say blondie? You always found some way to act stupid (no pun inteaded) and get me to laugh. At least I could always count on you for comic relief, especially when you and Brian got together to collaborate. Partners in crime. Stay that way. Kevin, you really were like a father to me. Since I never knew my father, I looked up to you more then you'll ever know. You influenced my life and I will always be greatful for all you've done. I know you'll be a great dad when you and Kristin have kids. Howie, no matter what ever happened between us, you were the best friend that I ever had. I was blessed to know a great person like you and I haven't ever regretted having you as my best friend. I've never blamed you for anything and I don't want you to blame yourself for this. I love you like you were my own blood brother. I love all of you more then you'll ever know. Just don't forget me, that's all I ask.

To my mother:

You are the one person I looked up to more then anyone in the whole world. I have always admired you for how strong you are. Raising a kid like me must have been hard and I'm sorry for all that I have put you through. I have never heard of a mother any better then you. You always treated me well, you always tried to provide me with everything that I needed and wanted to have a good life. I could never be more thankful for all you've done, and I'm even more thankful that you never gave up on me, even during the hard times. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must have been for you, but you somehow stood by me. I love you so much, Mom, and I'll miss you.

To all of our loyal fans:

You all have made my career as a Backstreet Boy the best time of my life! For nine years, you have stood by the fellas and I, and for that, you all defenitely are Larger Then Life! Without any of you, we wouldn't have gotten as far as we did. You were what made it possible to do what we did, you helped me live my dream and I will be forever greatful to each and everyone of you. Let the music live on!

Brian, Kevin, Nick, Howie, my mother, and the fans: I love you all so much!

Music is love; Love is music. Music is my life; I wish I could say I still love my life...

~Alexander James McLean

PS. Howie-

I forgive you, bro.

His face was completely wet with tears as he finished reading such a horrible note, the breath being knocked out of his lungs. He gasped for air as he begged his heart to start beating again. Howie was so much in shock that he hadn't even heard the shower shut off. It wasn't until the door clicked open that he realized it.

*****

AJ turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. Quickly getting dressed, he stood in front of the mirror and proceeded to run a comb through his hair several times. After he had shaved, brushed his teeth, and topped everything off with a bit of cologne, he turned the light off and walked out of the bathroom. The second he stepped out though, he was met with an awful sight. Howie was sitting on the edge of his bed, his face covered in tears and the shorter Latino held papers in his shaking hands. AJ's heart stopped, knowing what Howie had read.

His suicide note.