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Chapter 14: No Answer

AJ's face turned as pale as the sheet-white color that Howie's face had just turned moments before. His heart beat rapidly as he felt his knees ready to give out from beneath him. 'This isn't how it is supposed to work out! This isn't how it is supposed to work out!' his mind panicked as he stood there. He could feel his whole body shaking now, not knowing what to say to his best friend. "H-Howie..." he stuttered, but no other words escaped his lips.

"Why?" Howie spoke for him, his voice coming out strained like it had been forced from his lips. His dark eyes were squinted at his tatooed friend, the tears springing from them as if someone had let open a dam. He wasn't holding back his tears either.

AJ felt his stomach turn at the sight of his friend gripping his "note". 'He wasn't supposed to find that yet!' his mind kept yelling, as if begging time to turn back a little and keep Howie from coming just yet. AJ was stuck now with no means of escape. His best friend had found his "note" too early and was scared out of his wits by the looks of it. He opened his mouth to answer, but nothing except a breath of air came rushing out.

He was speechless.

"Why, Alex?" Howie repeated, his eyes narrowing further then ever. He was gripping the yellow papers so hard now that his hands were turning red, his knuckles white, and the papers were starting to wrinkle. "Why, damnit?!" This time he was demanding an answer and the tone in his voice was that of fear and helplessness. It made AJ wince.

This wasn't how he had planned it to go.

"Howie-"

"What the Hell were you thinking?!" Howie cried out, standing up abruptly from the bed. AJ shrank back against the wall, feeling inferior to his friend. AJ wasn't sure how to read Howie's emotions now. They were so mixed that nothing was clear. "Answer me, Alex! What the Hell were you thinking?!"

That's when AJ's knees finally gave up supporting his weight and he slid down the wall, not once taking his eyes off Howie. The shorter Latino was closing in on him like a bald eagle closing in on it's prey. It looked like Howie was going to murder him, but the Latino did no such thing. He looked hurt and scared more then anything. AJ's heart sunk right then as he continued to look up at his friend. He didn't want to see this. This wasn't how he had planned it to go. "Just leave me alone, Howie! Please!" he begged, his voice coming out no louder then a whisper.

Wrong choice of words.

"I will not fucking leave you alone!" Howie yelled down at him. His eyes were a firey dark, and by the looks of it, he seemed to be becoming even more angrier as each second passed. "You expect me to leave you alone after this?!" He shoved the papers in AJ's face.

AJ gulped.

"I'm begging you, Howie...please!" he whispered hoarsely, his vision becoming blurry. He didn't even realize the tears were welling in his eyes. "Just leave me be to do what I was going to! Please!"

Howie let out a soul-racking sob right then as those words escaped AJ's mouth. He couldn't believe the words his friend was saying. This wasn't the AJ he knew, no, this wasn't his best friend. His best friend wouldn't be requesting such a thing from him. "A-Alex...no," he choked, losing his strong front, just as quickly as he had gained it.

"Howie, please..."

"You don't want to do this!"

"Yes, I do! I know I do!"

Howie sunk to the floor, helplessness invading every crevess of his body. "It's not what you want to do," he spoke, his voice cracking and not confident of itself. Oh how he wish he knew how to speak stronger when going through times of trouble.

"Please Howie, just go. I don't want to see you upset-"

"Me upset? What about your mother?! Did you even stop and think about her?! Or the fellas? Did you?!"

"Stop it!"

"How the Hell do you think we would feel?!"

"Shut up!"

"What about the fans?!"

"Shut up!"

"No, because this isn't right!"

"If you were my best friend, you would leave right now and let me die like I want!"

"Best friends don't let best friends kill themselves, Alex!"

"That's not true!"

"Like Hell it isn't! I'm not gonna back away and let you kill yourself!" Howie's voice was an octive lower then normal as he crumbled the "note" into a ball, squeezing it tightly in his hand. "I'm not gonna lose another family member! I already lost one sibling...I refuse to lose another! Alex, just don't do this!"

Howie's semi-speech made AJ freeze at that moment. HIs mind reeled so badly that he thought his head was going to explode and he buried his face in his hands. Gasping for breath, he just continued to let the tears flow from his now puffy eyes.

Howie jumped up from the floor and scooped all of the medicine bottles off the nightstand in a rush, then hurried into the bathroom. Taking each bottle, he dumped their contents into the toilet, ripped up the "note", and flushed it all as quickly as he could. When he stormed back into the hotel room, AJ was still sitting against the wall sobbing, and his heart broke. He had never seen his best friend in so much pain before and he, himself, had never felt so helpless during his whole life as he did that very moment. "Alex..." he said in a voice as calm as possible and close to a whisper. "Listen to me. I refuse to lose my brother. Do you hear me? I refuse. I want to help you, but I can't unless you want to be helped."

AJ's eyes remained closed as he dropped his hands away from his face. He tried desperately to grasp hold of a sufficient breath, but had no such luck. Before he knew what was happening, he was wheezing in short, sharp breaths, his eyes clentched shut tightly. "H-he-lp!" he struggled to get out, his fingers digging into the soft carpet.

'Just stay calm' Howie's mind begged him. He crouched down in front of AJ and rested a gentle hand on the tatooed man's shaking shoulder. "C'mon, Alex...just calm down..." he instructed him quietly, knowing that AJ would be in deeper trouble if he wasn't able to get him to calm down.

AJ felt Howie's hand grip his shoulder and he tried with all his might to grab some control over himself. His throat kept feeling as if it were tightening continuously and his chest began to ache. He clutched at it with discomfort, grimacing.

Howie noticed the sudden gesture and reacted promptly. "Take some deep breaths, Alex!"

"I-I can't breath!" AJ panicked, gasping, "I ca-I c-can't-"

"You have to calm down first, or you'll end up having a heart attack. So listen to me, just take a few deep breaths and try to calm down."

AJ let out a small whimper as he listened to what Howie was saying. "I t-think I am having a heart attack!"

"No, you're having an anxiety attack, but you need to calm down."

AJ let go of a racking cough as he gasped again, feeling his throat burn. 'Calm down, calm down...'. Now he was just feeling extremely light-headed. "I...argh..."

Howie winced as he sat down on the floor again. "Aje..."

AJ didn't answer, feeling too ashamed to look at his best friend.

"It's going to be ok, Aje," Howie tried to say, wanting to sound as convincing as he possibily could. He didn't want AJ to think otherwise. He had to get such a horrible act out of his best friend's mind before it was too late and he knew the time was short. He could only imagine what AJ was capable of doing to himself.

AJ finally looked up at the shorter Latino. His dark eyes showed nothing but fear and shame. "Don't tell anyone." He looked pleadingly at Howie.

"What?"

"Don't tell anyone about this."

"Aje, how can ask me that? We need to be able to help you-"

"No! Please don't tell anyone Howie," AJ begged, the tears still brimming his eyes. "Don't tell them and don't tell my mom!"

"Aje-" Howie didn't have a chance to protest further as he was interrupted by a knock on AJ's hotel room door. He bit down on his bottom lip.

"Please, Howie..."

Howie sighed as he stood up and walked over to the door without answering AJ. He grabbed the door handle and opened the door, finding a grogging-looking, red-faced Nick standing in the hall. "Nick?"

"No, it's Frosty the freaking red-nosed snowman," Nick grumbled as he leaned against the doorway for support.

"Don't you mean Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer?" Howie corrected.

"Whatever..."

Howie raised an eyebrow.

"Hey Aje?" Nick called into the room, looking for his friend.

"Huh?" came a muffled voice from near the bathroom.

Nick peered into the room further and saw AJ sitting on the floor against the wall, his head resting in his hands and his knees brought up to his chest. Nick squinted. He could see the tear stains on AJ's face and he looked to Howie questioningly and saw tear stains on Howie's face also. "Uh...what's...wrong?" he asked slowly.

"What do you mean?" Howie asked in confusion.

"You both look like you've been crying," Nick replied.

Howie saw the red flag go up. "Oh, heh...nothing's wrong. It's just that AJ came out of the bathroom to see me waiting in here and it surprised him, causing him to trip over his own two feet and fall flat on his face. We both busted up laughing so hard that it brought tears to our eyes," he quickly lied, praying with all that it was worth that Nick had bought what Howie had just said.

Nick hesitated for a moment as if thinking about it. He shrugged after a moment, then asked, "You got any Tyenol, Aje? I've got a killer headache and I need some sleep..."

"He doesn't have any!" Howie blurted almost too quickly.

Nick looked at him, almost as if he was offended. "No?"

"No, he doesn't. Go ask Bri for some."

"I tried to, but he wouldn't answer his door. I could hear him inside arguing with Leighanne over the phone about which one of them loved the other more."

"Go ask Kev."

"He said he didn't have any."

"Fine, I'll bring you some in a few minutes. Just go back to your room."

"Damn, I'm feeling the love..." Nick grumbled, but he reluctantly walked off down the hall.

With relief, Howie shut the door and leaned against it. "You can't keep it from them forever..."

"Yes I can..." AJ muttered, resting his head against the wall.

"But you need help, Aje."

"You can help me."

"I'm only one person."

"You're my best friend."

*****

AJ opened his eyes what seemed like minutes later, but when he looked at the clock on the nightstand, he realized it in fact was many hours later. Groaning quietly, he rolled over onto his back and stretched a little bit. Damn... his mind moaned as he lay there rubbing his temples with one hand. His headache had returned, much to his disliking. Then he heard a light snoring coming from a corner across the room. AJ lifted his head off his pillow and looked to see Howie resting umcomfortably in a hard chair. The shorter Latino held a look of trouble and discontentment on his face, his eyebrows furled to the most extreme. That's when AJ realized something.

Howie had spent the whole night in AJ's room.

He had truly cared enough about AJ's well-being to stay over-night with him, to make sure AJ really didn't do anything to hurt himself. For that, AJ could not even begin to explain how thankful he was. But it was just a nasty reminder of what he had almost succeeded in doing. When he woke up, he was wishing with everything that it had all been a bad dream, that he wasn't crazy enough to think of attempting such a thing a second time.

Unfortunately, he was still living the nightmare.

"Howie?" he called out, surprised when his voice came out quiet and rougher then usual. It was a bit on the hoarse side today too.

There was no answer from Howie except his light snoring.

AJ cleared his throat and sat up in bed. "Howie," he called again, hoping to wake the shorter Latino up. Recieving no answer once again, AJ got off the bed and sauntered over to the chair. With a swift movement, he shook Howie's shoulder. "C'mon D, wake up!"

"What's going on?!" Howie nearly screamed as he was shaken aake. He blinked his eyes rapidly for a second until his vision focused and he realized it was AJ who was shaking his shoulder.

"Calm down, D, it's only me," AJ told him as he let go of his shoulder and stepped back a foot.

Howie just stared at him for a second as if he were confused, then said, "Don't do that," with a glare.

"What did you want me to do? You sleep like a bear usually!" AJ replied casually as he went and sat on the edge of the bed.

"You didn't have to scare me half to death in the process of waking me up!" Howie continued to glare.

"I guess I could have thrown cold water on you like Nick has done numerous times in the past..." AJ said thoughtfully.

"Very bad choice, amigo," Howie answered in a low voice as he ran his fingers through his hair. "And thank God you aren't Nick."

"I thank Him every day for that."

Howie scrunched his nose as a loud yawn escaped his lips and he stood up, stretching. "Stupid chair," he muttered, rubbing the small of his back and kicking one of the chair legs.

"Sleep well?" AJ asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No...not at all..." Howie answered, studying the chair. "You?"

"I...no, I didn't," AJ answered, sagging his shoulders.

"How are you feeling?" Howie asked quietly after a few seconds.

"I don't know," AJ shrugged uneasily.

"That's understandable," Howie told him, but he seemed troubled with his words.

"Yeah, I guess..."

"Listen, Aje...I'm not gonna abandoned you. I am your best friend and I want to help you, but I don't think I can do that on my own. It would kill me to see you do anything to hurt yourself and I really think you should tell the fellas about last night-"

"No, I can't tell them," AJ quickly answered, looking away from Howie. He didn't want to be getting into this right now. He just wanted to...forget.

But he couldn't.

"This isn't something you can take care of by yourself. Just like you couldn't take care of your alcohol problem on your own. You need to tell them."

"I can't, Howie."

"Why not?"

"They won't understand."

"If they understood about your alcohol problem, they would most defenitely understand about this. We're talking about your life here, Aje. This is a serious problem that you can't just forget about. If you don't want to tell them, then let me. You can't just forget about it."

"No-"

*Knock knock*

AJ took the opportunity to put this conversation on hold as he heard someone knock on the door. He didn't let his gaze meet Howie's as he strode past the shorter Latino and went over to the door. Upon opening it, he had never felt so much relief when he saw who was standing there. "Oh God, Mom!" he suddenly cried out and immediately wrapped his arms around his mother's smaller frame. He had never been so happy to see her in his entire life.

Especially with all the guilt he was now feeling.

Denise wrapped her arms around her son tightly with a strange smile on her face. She looked past him at Howie and gave him a questioningly look; Howie, not ready to break his promise yet, just shrugged back in response. After a minute, Denise pulled back from her son and held him at arm's length. "What has gotten into you, Alex?" she asked with a nervous laugh as she studied his face.

There were tears in his eyes.

"N-nothing," AJ stuttered, wiping at his eyes foolishly. He hugged his mother again. "I just really missed you since yesterday and I'm glad to see you...that's all."

"I missed you too, sweetie."

Mother and son parted again.

"Good morning, Howie," Denise greeted properly.

"Good morning, Denise," Howie replied, offering her a polite smile.

"Well, I was just coming to see if you would like to come out for breakfast with me before you start your day, Alex?" Denise asked. She looked to Howie. "You're welcome to come too, Howie."

"No thank-you. I need to get a shower taken. I'll see you both later," Howie answered and excused himself from the room, almost hesitant in leaving AJ, for he was afraid. But he reminded himself that nothing could happen to his friend as long as Denise was around.

"So, would you care in joining your mother for a bite to eat this morning?" Denise repeated, smiling up at her son.

"Um...yes, I would love to. Just let me ring up Jeff to let him know-"

"Don't worry. I already took care of that. He's waiting down in the lobby for us."

"Well um...do I maybe have time for a shower?"

"Of course. Take your time."

AJ turned away and began walking towards the bathroom door when he stopped and turned back towards his mother. "Mom?"

"Yes, Alex?"

"I love you."