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Chapter 15: Just A Hint

A round of laughs erupted from three out of four of the gathered Backstreet Boys as they waited around on stage for their fifth member to arrive. The only one not laughing was Nick, for the reason the rest were laughing was at his expense.

"How you managed to catch AJ's 'cold' is beyond me, Frack," Brian cackled, holding his belly as Nick let out another pathetic sneeze. Howie and Kevin imitated Brian's actions and held their bellys as they let out loud laughs also.

"It's not funny," Nick glared as he sniffled through his stuffy nose. The top of his nose had turned a beet red from all of the nose blowing he had been doing because of his sinuses being clogged. His rubbed at his nose in discomfort. "You wouldn't be laughing if you were this- A-CHOO!"

"If I was an 'a-choo'?" Brian grinned, purposely mixing up the meaning of what Nick had just said. He found it quite humorous to mess with his blonde friend's head whenever he got the chance. Now was the perfect time and he just couldn't pass up the opportunity, especially as Nick continued to sneeze.

"Shut up, you know what I was trying to say!" Nick spat, rubbing at his nose again.

"In need of a tissue, Nicky?" Howie chuckled, raising his eyebrows in amusement at their youngest bandmate.

"Don't call me that," Nick pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Awww, it looks like poor wittle Nicky is going to have to take an afternoon nap," Brian cooed, reaching over and pinching one of Nick's flushed cheeks.

Nick swatted at his hand. "I'm gonna hit you," he growled.

"You'll do no such thing," Kevin answered, trying to give Nick a stern look, but it came out as a silly grin, sending Brian into a fresh round of laughter. "What are you on, Cuz? Dang!"

"Me? I ain't on nothin'!" Brian replied, his southern drawl dripping from his lips.

"That's very hard to believe," Kevin mumbled.

"I swear...on my life!" Brian said, his eyes wide. "Wait! No, that's a dangerous bet! I take that back. I swear on Nick's life!"

"What?!" Nick exclaimed, his bloodshot eyes popping open.

Howie sat back, resting all of his weight on his hands as he watched Brian and Nick arguing. He tried to let the humor take him away for awhile, but it didn't last long. He was troubled beyond belief and wanted more then anything to be able to tell someone what was eating away at him.

But he'd promised AJ, and that's what stopped him.

To break a promise was a horrible thing to do, but what was worse, was that Howie felt by him keeping the promise, he was committing something much more horrible then breaking a promise. After all, his best friend's life was in his hands right then. AJ was looking to him for the right guidance and Howie felt completely lost. He didn't know how to deal with such a thing.

After all, you don't always come across your best friend wanting to commit suicide.

How long exactly would he be able to stay silent? He knew he couldn't keep AJ's problem a secret for too long. If AJ didn't get help, Howie knew something terrible would happen to him, something Howie didn't want to ever imagine happening to his best friend. Then again, what kind of a friend would Howie be if he kept his promise? Surely not a good friend. Not in a situation such as the present one.

Howie sighed.

"Guys?" he spoke quietly, keeping his eyes glued to the stage floor.

"What up, D?" Brian laughed, finally breaking his attention away from bugging Nick to the point of insanity. The group's youngest member was growing furious by each passing second for the fact that he was losing the argument badly.

"What is it, Howie?" Kevin asked after Howie didn't answer.

Howie mumbled his question.

"Could you repeat that? I couldn't hear you."

"I said, what would happen if one of us thought about committing suicide?"

It seemed like all noise came to a screeching stop at that moment. All eyes turned to Howie, burning deep into his soul as they tried to comprehend what he had just said.

"E-excuse me?" Brian stuttered, blinking. "Did I just hear you right?"

"Yes..." Howie hesitated.

Brian looked to his older cousin with mass confusion; Kevin just looked back at him with the same look. "Howie...w-what are you talking about?" he asked, his eyes almost squinting at the shorter Latino.

Howie felt the pressure bearing down on him as his three bandmates stared on in utter confusion from the words that had just slipped from his mouth. "What would you guys do?" he repeated, knowing he was already stepping over the line. But he had to start somewhere.

Seeing that all pairs of eyes were now on him, Kevin shrank back with a tiny gulp. He should have known that he would be looked to for an answer though. "Well..." he started out quietly, rubbing his hands together nervously, "We'd be there for him, of course. And we would defenitely get him the help he needed. Suicide is a serious issue and is not to be taken lightly. Why are you asking this, D?"

"Howie, are...you...?" Nick hesitated in asking the question that Howie realized all three of them were wanting to asking.

Howie felt taken aback. He wasn't the one thinking about it, but he really did not know how to answer. "No, Nicky. Of course not."

"Then why did you ask about such a thing?" came Brian's turn to speak again.

"It's nothing," Howie answered quickly.

"Suicide isn't just 'nothing', Howie," Kevin replied. "If you're thinking about-"

"I'm not and just forget I said anything about it, ok?" Howie interrupted the older Kentuckian as he stood up. He bit down on his bottom lip as he just stood there. "I..."

"You staying to watch the rehersal, Mom?" AJ's voice suddenly drifted into the venue from backstage.

"I gotta go..." Howie mumbled and quickly hurried off, just as AJ and Denise appeared on stage, leaving the two new-comers confused and curious as to why the shorter Latino had just run off.

*****

They were nearly half way through the rehersal and long before had things started to go bad for AJ. No matter how hard he tried to sum up enough energy to push himself through the rehersal without hinting there was a problem, he failed miserably and had begun to fall behind and stumble during all of the dance routines. Howie was keeping a close eye on him the whole time, which in all, made AJ all the more stressed. He was pushing himself to the limits and his body was protesting with all it's might.

But AJ wouldn't stop.

He couldn't stop, because if he did, then the others would surely notice that there was a problem. He couldn't let them know that. As long as they kept their own minds occupied with trying to get the dance routines right themselves, then they would remain oblivious to AJ's mistakes.

Taking a quick glance at his watch, he saw that they were due for a break. Relief washed over him as he looked forward to this, but the relief didn't last long. Because his mind had become sidetracked, he ended up tripping over his own two feet and fell forward, landing flat on his face with a sickening loud thud.

The music died out at that moment.

"You alright, AJ?" Kevin called out, trying to catch his breath as they all stood there watching AJ lay still on the ground, face first into the stage. "AJ!"

"I'm...fine..." AJ answered after a moment. Finally, he pushed himself up with his hands and stumbled onto his feet, rubbing his forehead. Today was already not going his way. How he was going to get by this day normally was beyond him, and at the rate he was going, the concert that evening was going to be a disaster.

"We're all due for a break," Kevin spoke.

"I agree," Howie replied, shooting AJ a look of concern.

"I'm sorry..." AJ apologized quietly.

"No need to apologize, Aje. We all need a break," Kevin answered.

AJ sighed as he turned around and walked off without saying another word. Thank God that Kevin had called for a break right then or AJ would have just walked off without saying anything. He knew he needed to calm down more then anything. Working himself up like he was doing was doing him no good whatsoever. He didn't want to be doing any of this. He just wanted some time away to think things through, which was what he seemed to be trying to do alot lately.

He just wanted to get away from it all.

No matter what, he knew that wasn't a good idea. To be alone, that is. He needed to keep himself around as many people as possible, as to keep himself from causing any harm that could be endangering him in any way, such as his life. But by keeping around people, he would eventually have to expose his deepest problems and that was what he least wanted to do. It was bad enough that his horrible plans had gotten ruined because his best friend had intervened at the right time - it wasn't the right time for AJ.

If a small break was all AJ could get at the moment, he would have to make the best of it. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a payphone mounted on one of the walls backstage. He was already backstage? AJ stopped and looked around, not conciously realizing that he had left the stage to begin with. Now he stood in a vacant area and several feet in front of him was a payphone. Knowing he had forgotten his cellphone back at the hotel, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small handful of change, heading towards the phone.

For some sudden reason, his mind told him to phone up Jameelah, whom he hadn't talked to for several days. He missed her considerably and figured he would feel somewhat better just by hearing her voice; he still didn't understand how she had such a profound effect over him. All he knew was that whenever he talked to her, he felt all his stressed leave for that period of time and he actually felt happy, something he had trouble feeling lately.

Pulling fifty cents from the small handful, he slipped it into the coin slot and shoved the rest back into his pocket. For a second he stood there listening to the dial tone and trying to remember Jameelah's number. He'd always call by speed dial when he used his cell phone to dial her up. Finally, he reached out with a finger and punched into the numbers. Luckily, he'd remembered it.

One ring...

He really needed to remind himself to apologize to Jenny for the way he had acted towards her the other night on the phone.

Two rings...

If he had a chance, he would apologize during this phone call.

Three rings...

First, he just wanted to speak with Jaymee.

Four rings...

*Click* "Hey there. You've reached Jenny and Jameelah. Obviously we're not home right now to take your call, so we'd really appreciate it if you would leave us a message and call back number so we can get back to you as soon as we can. Thanks!"

AJ frowned in dissappointment. The one person he really hoped to talk to was not home to take his call. He shook his head and was about to leave a message when he felt someone grasp his arm. Shrieking out in surprise, he dropped the phone and jumped back.

"Calm down, Alex! It's only your mother," Denise laughed as she approached her son cautiously.

"Don't scare me like that, Mom."

"Sorry. I just wanted to come and tell you that break is over."

"But it just started."

"It was meant to be a short one. I'm guessing that Kevin didn't expect you to walk off."

"I needed to make a phone call."

"To who?"

"No one," AJ answered after he had hung up the phone. His mother was already dragging him back out onto stage. "I'll just call back later."

*****

"Well, we've got several hours to spare until we have to be back here for the show," Brian noted as the group sat around the middle of the stage in a small circle. Rehersal had ended several minutes before and they had been granted a well deserved relaxation time. "We have nothing to do during those few hours, so why is it so hard to come up with some plans?"

"Maybe because it's really rare that we ever have spare time between rehersals and shows?" Nick spoke up, laying on his back with his hands folded behind his head.

"True that, Frack," Brian nodded.

"You know, you really are retarded sometimes," Nick replied, shaking his head with embarrassment. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I am going back to the hotel and I'm going to sleep."

"You both are retarded," AJ grumbled with a playful gleam in his eyes.

"Speak for yourself, stupid," Nick teased.

"Shut up," AJ glared.

"I was just joking, so don't take it personal. Geez..." Nick answered, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, whatever," AJ muttered, looking away.

"Alright, before we start fighting again," Kevin interrupted, "Does anyone have any plans?"

"Yeah, go back to the hotel and sleep," Nick answered right after he coughed. He held his hand up to his forehead and frowned for the fact that his fever had risen.

"Besides that..."

Howie stood up, taking the opportunity to get away from the group at that moment. He went in search of his water bottle, which led his search backstage to where he found the container of H20 sitting atop one of the tables strewn about. Taking ahold of the bottle, he hopped onto the table, wincing as the table groaned under his light weight. 'Not very sturdy' he thought as he sat on the edge.

'They probably think I'm the crazy one for mentioning that certain subject earlier' his mind began to wander as he sat there. He scolded himself. AJ wasn't crazy. Confused? Most likely. Scared? Defenitely. But crazy? It takes alot before a person can actually go crazy and Howie didn't think his friend would ever reach that stage. Out of anyone, Howie figured AJ would be the least likely one to ever go crazy.

If that was the case, then what was going on with AJ? Why was this happening right now? The thing Howie hated about his best friend was AJ was always a master at hiding his true feelings. It was like he didn't believe in letting anyone know what was really going on in that head of his. Thus of which kept Howie from properly tracing AJ's problems back to the very beginning.

But one thing was for sure, though. The most recent of AJ's problems started as soon as Sarah walked out of AJ's life. That had been the new breaking of it all. Finally AJ had seemed to be able to start putting his life together, the way he deserved to have it, until Sarah called everything off.

With no explaination.

'She never did give a reason why' Howie realized as he thought about it more.

The break-up on Sarah's part crushed AJ's heart into a million pieces. Howie had never seen AJ so crazily in love with someone before, not even when AJ had been together with Amanda. There wasn't the same connection with her as there was with Sarah. That was just one reason why AJ had been so devestated. Then again, he depended on Sarah for the support he couldn't get from the fellas or his mother, support that he could only find in Sarah. He had been ready to promise his life to her, exchange those important vows in front of everyone, so they could all see just how much he loved this woman.

And that had been the truth. AJ really had loved Sarah with all his heart and soul. Sure, many in a relationship could say that about their mate, but a small percentage actually truly mean it. AJ had had his fair share of girlfriends, and many a time did he say he loved a few of them with all his heart and soul. But the thing that set Sarah apart from all the others was how AJ was whenever he was around her. His eyes would just light up whenever she walked into the room. All of his worries could be washed away in a single moment everytime he saw her. He could be having the worst of days and all he needed was her to feel better.

If anything, Howie could come to the conclusion that it almost seemed like Sarah leaving AJ had destroyed him in some ways. No matter how hard the rebel tried to cover it up, he hadn't been the same since that day. And how Sarah could have acted so cold by leaving without granting AJ anything more then a simple 'good-bye', Howie would never understand it.

"Hey D, you back here?" Brian's voice suddenly traveled backstage.

Howie took a swig of his water before he answered, "Yeah" and scooted further back onto the table so his back was resting against the wall.

Seconds later, Brian appeared backstage and spotted Howie sitting against the wall on the table. He strolled over to him with his hands in his pockets. "Just chillin'?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Any idea of what you're going to do during the free time before the show?"

"Nope. You?"

"No, they're still debating it out there."

"Figures."

"Is everything alright with you?" Brian suddenly asked.

Howie froze, looking at Brian with a questioning gaze. "Yeah, everything's fine. Why do you ask?" he tried to answer normally.

He knew one of them was going to inquire about what he had brought up earlier.

"You don't seem so sure of that, D."

"Everything's fine."

"You know you are a bad liar?"

"So I've been told since the group started."

"Then why are you trying to lie right now? I know something is going on, and I know it has to do with what you asked earlier," Brian explained, looking deep in thought as he tried to form what words he wanted to say. "Howie, if you're thinking about suicide, we can get you help. We're here to support you, so you don't need to be afraid to tell us."

"I'm not thinking about suicide, Brian," Howie snapped, frustration settling in his mind.

"Then why would you ask such a thing earlier?"

"It's nothing. Just forget about it, alright?"

"No! Howie, suicide isn't 'nothing'. Why did you-"

"Because AJ was going to commit suicide last night!" Howie blurted as he slammed his water bottle onto the table. It toppled over, spilling it's contents onto the table and off onto the hard floor.

Brian stumbled backwards as the words left Howie's mouth. "W-what?" he stuttered, staring at the shorter Latino in disbelief. "A-AJ was going to do w-what?"

"He was going to commit suicide...last night after the concert," Howie explained in a quiet voice as he kept looking Brian right in the eyes. He winced at the amount of shock that filled the Kentuckian's eyes and he continued. "I went to go talk to him so I could make ammends with him. He was in the shower when I went into his room so I decided to wait until he finished, and that's when I discovered his suicide note."

"Howie, you can't be serious..." Brian was shaking his head, not wanting to believe what he was hearing his friend say.

"Trust me, Brian, I am. I don't ever want to read anything again like I read in that note last night. H-He was going to overdose on pills. He had them all layed out on the nightstand, waiting for him for when he finished with his shower."

"Oh my God...b-but, why?"

AJ, who had just walked backstage moments before to let Brian and Howie know of the plans for that day, spun around and bolted from the area, knocking over a few stacked boxes in the process. Brian and Howie looked just in time to see AJ's retreating form dissappear, and before either could call out to him to stop, he was gone.