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Chapter 16: Missing

"Shit, shit, shit..." Howie murmured under his breath as he hopped down from the table. He hadn't even realized that AJ had been standing there the whole time and had overheard everything Howie had told Brian. Things had totally just gone wrong. Panic rose from deep with in as he looked at Brian frantically. Brian was giving Howie the same look.

That's when Kevin came bursting backstage.

"Do either of you know why AJ just bolted from the arena without saying anything?" their oldest bandmate interrogated immediately, his dark eyebrows furled in frustration. He eyed both of them seriously, waiting for an answer. But when he noticed the looks of an immense amount of disstress on both of their faces, he paused, looking at them as if he was almost afraid to know the answer that lay ahead.

"There's something wrong with AJ, Kev," Brian answered, being the first one to speak.

"Obviously, since he seemed to be extremely upset just a second ago as he left," Kevin nodded, not getting the full picture of just how upset their rebel brother actually was. When silence took over the backstage area again, on instinct, Kevin felt a sickening feeling grow in the pit of his stomach. He narrowed his eyes at his cousin and Latin friend. "What's going on, guys?"

Howie looked up from the floor to find two pairs of eyes frozen on him. Kevin was looking at him, his green eyes demanding an answer from the shorter Latino, and Brian was looking at him to give the answer. He took in a short breath as he focused all of his attention on Kevin, preparing to relay again about what had happened the night before. Obviously he was taking to long to answer, for Kevin spoke up again, nearly causing Howie to jump back.

"What's wrong, Howie?" Kevin questioned calmly.

"Aje was going to commit suicide last night," Howie answered quietly, almost near a whisper.

"Excuse me?" Kevin's eyes bulged open in shock as Howie spoke.

"I went to go speak with him so we could make ammends, but he was in the shower when I walked into his room, so I decided to wait. And that's when I discovered...I discovered his suicide note," Howie explained. He shivered every time he thought about the words he had read in that note.

Kevin's mouth became agape as he stared at Howie in shock. "How was he g-going to...going to,um..." Kevin stuttered, not being able to force the right words in his mouth.

"By overdose," Howie answered, knowing what Kevin was trying to ask.

"Shit," Kevin swore, catching Brian and Howie by surprise this time. "Oh no..."

"He flipped and ran off just now because he overheard me telling Brian about it...after I promised...not to tell anyone," Howie hesitated towards the end.

"You weren't going to tell anyone?!"

"It's not that I wasn't going to tell anyone, I was just trying to think of the right way and time to tell-"

"Do you even realize how serious this is, Howie?"

"I'm not stupid! Why do you think I brought it up earlier?!"

"Hey!" Brian interrupted with a glare on his face. "Now is not the time to start arguing. What are we going to do about AJ?"

"He shouldn't be alone right now. I'm afraid to think of what he's capable of doing."

Kevin rubbed his temples, trying to think calmly and rationally. "Ok, listen up. This is what you are going to do. The two of you round up Nick and go find Denise. Let her know what's going on and get her back to the hotel and wait there until I get back with AJ. I'm going to go grab Jeff and have him go with me to look for AJ. Don't leave the hotel, just stay there."

"Who's room?"

"AJ's," came the first room off the top of Kevin's head. "You still have the extra key to his room, right Howie?"

"Yes."

"Did you see where Denise went?" Brian asked his cousin before the three of them parted their own seperate ways.

"No. Just go find her, and quick," Kevin answered before he turned around and hurried off.

*****

His lungs were burning as he continued running, as if running like his life depended on it. He hadn't stopped once to catch his breath because he didn't want them to catch up to him. He shouldn't have bolted like he did, and he knew it, but now that they knew what had happened, he didn't want to stick around and find out their reaction. He had to get away, and that was exactly what he was doing...again.

He was running away from his problems just like always.

He should have figured that Howie would blurt it out sooner or later, he just didn't expect him to do it so soon. That's why when he had gone backstage to get Brian and Howie and heard them discussing it, he freaked out and just ran. He couldn't stop himself from leaving if he had wanted to. His mind took over his senses and carried him away before he could think rationally about the situation.

How he would be able to pick himself up again after this was beyond him. He didn't even know if it was possible. He was afraid to go back to the others, afraid of what they now thought about him. They had to figure he was crazy if he tried to attempt such a cowardly act. Surely they were going to lock him up in a mental institution for good for this. And his mother... she wouldn't even hesitate to give her consent for that.

Well, maybe that's exactly what he needed.

Somewhere off to the side of him, he could hear the gentle lapping of water on rocks. Without even realizing it, he had run himself right into the same waterfront park as he had the other night after arguing with Howie. 'How ironic' he thought as his shoes continued to slap again the cement path he was traveling along.

His feet then left the pavement as he went jogging down a small rock path leading to the beach below. The wind blew into his face, trying to prevent him from going any further, but it had no effect on him whatsoever. He just pressed on harder until his feet could carry him no longer and he took a terrible dive forward into the rough sand, landing hard on his knees. He cried out from the pain that suddenly shot up his legs and just sat there, hunched over.

Everything just continued to hit him with a full on force as he doubled over, gagging out on the bout of sobs that was also attacking his body. His hands were pressed tightly to his face, trying to hide the salty tears of which soaked through the bandage still covering his right hand. He gasped out for a breath, trying to grasp hold of some sort of control over the situation.

He just felt so helpless.

"Are You trying to torture me? Huh? Are You?!" he screamed out, prying his hands away from his face. His eyes darted Heavenward, as if expecting a ray of answer to appear right out of the sky. The sky only darkened, as if to mock him. Ugly grey clouds slowly began to drift into place, casting a depressing shadow down upon the confused man.

"What kind of God are You?!" he continued to scream, shouting accusations towards the highest being. He felt the breeze flowing about him pick up a bit and every few seconds he would feel a small wet drop come in contact with his skin, sending shivers up and down his spine.

"Why are You letting this happen to me? I thought You helped people! Well I need help and I haven't seen any coming from You! What am I doing wrong in this world?! Why won't You help me?!"

More consistantly were the drops of rain starting to fall now, mixing in with the tears staining his face. He squinted his eyes at the darkening clouds, not wanting to back down under their angry glare. "Are You the one that's making me go crazy? Are You the one that keeps on making me do this? Do You want me to die?!"

A flash of lightening and a crack of thunder caused a down pour to come barreling down on him, almost instantly soaking his clothes.

"Do You want me to die?! Do You?!"

A bright flash illuminated all of his surroundings.

"Please God, I don't want to die..."

*****

Nick followed closely behind his two bandmates as they hurried down one of the back halls of the arena. "Dude, what is going on, Brian?" he asked for a third time, rubbing at his nose with the back of his hand. He felt frustration get the best of him as he still got no answer. He felt the confusion; only moments before had Brian and Howie come and collected him, shortly explaining that they needed to find Denise and get back to the hotel quickly. He knew no more and knew no less. "Brian?"

"We'll discuss it once we're all together back at the hotel," Brian answered like he had said earlier. "Denise? You around?"

"Why won't you just tell me now?"

They reached their dressing room and Brian pushed the door open, quickly walking inside. He looked around before calling out again, "Denise?"

"I'm right here, Brian," Denise's voice answered from out in the hall. The three Backstreet Boys stepped back into the hall as Denise walked out of the bathroom.

"C'mon, we need to get back to the hotel," Brian explained as he took Denise gently by the arm and began leading her down the hall in the opposite direction then they all had come.

"What's going on?" Denise asked with confusion as she followed Brian without any resistance. She looked back to Howie and Nick who were following a few paces behind them, but she recieved no answer from either of them. "Brian, what's going on?"

"We just need to get back to the hotel. I'll explain everything when we get there," Brian answered, knowing that it was better to not speak anymore of it at the venue. It was too risky to have someone unwanted to find out what was going on. Being in the privacy of a hotel room would be a safer place to talk.

Denise chose not to question it further as she allowed Brian to lead her out to the Boys' van that was waiting out back of the venue for them. 'Kev must have notified them to be waiting' Brian thought as he opened the door and had Denise, Howie, and Nick climb in before he, too, climbed in himself. The van driver pulled away from the venue as soon as the door was shut and silence overcame the interior of the vehicle. Nobody said a word to one another as they traveled along the road that lead back to the hotel they were staying at. Each one was lost in his or her own thoughts, Brian and Howie thinking similar thoughts while Denise and Nick thought similar thoughts.

Twenty minutes later, the van was pulling up in back of the hotel, steering clear of any possible run-ins with a group of fans. After all, the boys had left in the Tourbus that morning to head over to the venue. If anything, the fans were still expecting them to be using that as their source of transportation that day. That's why it was useful to have a van handy at all times. Quick transportation and hassle-free.

Quickly, they climbed out of the van and headed inside, wanting to get up to their respective floor as quickly as possible. Nearing AJ's room, they passed one of the hotel's maids, but luckily for them, she was older in age and most likely not some crazed or obsessed fan as she only offered them a polite smile and went along her way. Upon reaching AJ's hotel room door, and as Howie was reaching into his pocket for the extra key card, Denise reached out to stop him.

"Why are we here?" she asked, forcing his gaze to look with her's.

Howie felt a lump rising in his throat as he looked at Denise. He didn't know how to answer as they hadn't told her anything about what was going on with AJ.

"I thought Alex was with you guys at the venue. At least, that's where he was the last time I saw him a while ago."

"I...uh...he..."

"What's going on, Howard?" Denise demanded, her eyes narrowing at her son's best friend.

Howie gulped silently.

"Is something wrong with Alex?"

"Just come into the room and we'll explain," Brian answered, coming to Howie's rescue. He watched the relief wash over the shorter Latino's face and they all filed into the dark room. Switching on a light, Brian motioned for Denise to sit down on the edge of AJ's bed, but she made no move to do so. Instead, Nick took the invitation and collapsed onto the bed, carefully laying his head against the fluffy pillows. Brian frowned, that was another problem he would have to be dealing with. His best friend was becoming extremely sick.

"So start explaining," Denise immediately prompted, casting a worried glance at Nick. "Why did you all of a sudden insist that we come back here and wait in my son's hotel room? Is there some sort of problem?"

"...Yeah..." Brian hesitated.

"Then what is it? Because I think I have a right to know if it pertains to my son."

Brian bit down on his bottom lip, looking to Howie for help. The Latino looked back at him with the same helpless look on his face. Brian was about to look to Nick for help, but remembered that his blonde friend had no idea what was about to be told. Finally, Brian sighed and took in a deep breath as he prepared to break the ice.

But Howie beat him to it.

"Has Aje ever shown any signs of being suicidal or thoughts pertaining to it?" came the nervous question near the door where Howie stood, leaning against the wall. He was trying to focus his attention on Denise, but he was afraid to look directly at her, afraid of her reaction.

"Excuse me?" Denise gasped, looking at Howie with shock. "What kind of question is that?"

"Has he?" Howie pressed.

"No, and that's just completely absurd. He would never do that. Howie, why are you asking such a thing?"

Brian could see Howie boiling under the pressure. "Because...Denise, AJ was going to commit suicide last night," he answered quietly. He watched as Denise's hand lifted slowly until it was covering her mouth, as if placed there to conceal a scream or gasp of shock.

"W-what do you mean he was going to?" Denise stuttered, her voice waivering.

"Howie walked in on him before he could."

"Howie?" Denise looked to him for unwanted conformation.

"It was after I got the key card from you. I went to go speak to him so I could make ammends with him after what had happened. He was in the shower when I walked in, so I sat down to wait and that's when..." Howie hesitated. "...When I discovered his suicide note..."

"J-J tried to commit suicide?" Nick stumbled over his words as he was now sitting up on the bed after hearing all that was said.

"He was going to, Nicky."

"Where is he right now?" Denise asked, trying to keep hold of the grasp she had on her composure. "Where is my son?"

"We...we don't know," Brian answered.

"What do you mean you don't know? He was with you guys not too long ago! Where did he go?"

"We don't know, but Kev and Jeff went out to look for him nearly 45 minutes ago. I'm sure they will be here any minute with-"

There was a sudden knock on the door at that moment, cutting Brian off from finishing his sentence. He nodded to Howie for him to open the door, and when the shorter Latino obliged, they were met with the sight of a soaking wet Kevin, standing there drenced in the doorway, shivering slightly. There was one thing wrong with that picture, though...

Kevin stood there alone.