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Chapter 18: A Safe Return

Four hours had come and gone with nothing new to be told. Jeff had reported back twice more saying they were having no luck. Reluctantly, he suggested to Kevin that if AJ hadn't returned by the next hour, then they we're going to need to call the police and have them get involved. Kevin knew Jeff was probably right with that, but by far, he did not want to get the police into this. The trouble it would cause would be beyond comprehension. It would get the Boys in deep with management, it was basically garuanteed that the press would find out about it which led to the fans eventually finding out not too long after. Kevin could only pray that AJ would come back before they had to resort to using law enforcement.

The fact that AJ had been gone for over four hours was more then nerve racking. Especially since he hadn't once called in to tell everyone that he was ok. In the past, AJ had run off on several occasions after heated arguments, but it had been his way to get himself to calm down. Still, he would always check in if he decided to stay out, or he would return shortly after he left. Being gone this long without phoning anyone was not like him at all.

Suicide was not like him at all, either.

"What's the time, Howie?" Kevin asked, not even bothering to look down at his own watch. He was too much distracted by his own thoughts to do such a thing.

"4:47," came Howie's reply.

Kevin sighed, standing up. "Alright," he began. "Can I borrow your jacket, Cuz?"

"Why?" Brian asked with hesitance as he slowly took his jacket off.

"I'm going out to look for him."

Howie jumped up as if Kevin had spoken a sin. He shot him a small, unsure glare, reaching for his own jacket. "I'm going with you."

"No, you're staying here," Kevin answered with defiance.

"Bullshit, Kevin. We've sat around here waiting long enough. He's my best friend and I'm going with you to look for him."

Kevin was about to argue, but realized he had no strength or patience to start an argument with the shorter Latino. He also knew that whenever Howie used such language, there was no chance in him backing down for what he was standing up for. So Kevin relented. "Fine," he gave in after a minute of trying to stare Howie down, unsuccessfully of course. "Brian, if he isn't back by five o'clock, phone the police. Understood?"

"You speak to me as if I'm a five year old," Brian replied.

"Do you or do you not understand?" Kevin asked impatiently.

"Yes, I understand..."

"Denise?"

"Yes?" Denise asked quietly as she looked away from holding a cold wash cloth to Nick's forehead.

"Just sit tight...we'll be back."

Denise nodded.

"Alright, Howie...let's go," Kevin instructed and began to follow Howie over to the door. But before they could even reach it to leave, the handle began to move, causing the two Backstreet Boys to freeze in their spots. Howie shot a look to Kevin, and before the Kentuckian could voice his thoughts, the door was slowly pushed open.

A ghastly looking figure stood on the other side as the door opened completely. It took everyone a second before they actually realized it was AJ who was standing there. His face was void of all emotions as he stared directly ahead of him. His dark eyes were vacant and clouded over, as if his body was an empty shell. He was visibly shaking harder from the cold then Kevin had been, but the shaking didn't seem to phase him at all. It was as if he wasn't even there at all.

"Aje?" Howie called out uncertainly, taking a step towards his friend. Only silence answered him.

Denise suddenly appeared at Howie's side, staring at her son with shock and concern. Her eyes had filled with unshed tears, brimming her eyelids and threatening to spill at any given second. "Alex, honey?" she called, trying to grab his attention that wasn't even there. "Sweetheart, look at me."

AJ's eyes slowly came alive as he barely adjusted their position so that he was looking at his mother. Water dripped down his temples and onto the floor from his soaking clothes. The legs of his silver Nike warm up pants were caked with dirt, or wet sand if you looked more closely. His white wife beater was soaked completely through and hugged tightly to his skin, as well as adorning several dirt stains on the front. "M-Mom..." he choked after several minutes of silence. Everyone was surprised of how his voice barely projected and it seemed to be an octive or two higher then normal for his range. He didn't allow his mother a chance to answer, or rather his shaking legs couldn't hold up his weight anymore and he sunk to the floor, letting out a strangled cry.

"Alex!" Denise panicked as she rushed to his aid and dropped to her knees beside him. Immediately, she pulled him into her arms and hugged him tightly against her chest, ignoring the water from his soaked clothes that was seeping through her shirt. She felt the tears flowing freely down her cheeks as her son weakly wrapped his arms around her also. It was then that Denise caught sight of how pale her son's skin was. He didn't hold much body heat because he had been out in the cold for so long, which was why he was shivering so badly. "Someone get some towels!"

"Brian, get some towels!" Kevin ordered when nobody moved as they were paralized in shock. Watching his cousin hurry into the bathroom, he went over and bent down next to AJ and Denise. "Aje...c'mon buddy, look at me." But AJ failed to pay any attention to the Kentuckian's request. "Aje...c'mon..."

"Sweetheart..." Denise spoke softly, rubbing her son's back with a gentle hand. She felt him shivering under her grasp. "Honey, look up at us please."

Brian came rushing back with an armful of towels at that moment. He handed one to Kevin and watched as his cousin carefully drapped it over their rebel brother's shoulders. "I'll turn up the heat," he answered absentmindedly and hurried over to the heat monitor on the far wall.

"Aje, you need to respond to us. You have to say something," Kevin kept repeating as he got to face level with AJ. He waved his hand in front of AJ's vacant eyes while trying to grab his attention, but it wasn't any use. AJ was just plain stubbornly refusing to respond to him.

It was driving Denise up the wall too.

"Look at me, Alex," Denise ordered her son, pulling back from him and holding him up so he wouldn't slump over. "Just speak to me. Please."

AJ's shaking hands gripped his mother's arms as he tried to focus his attention. "C-cold...cold..." he stuttered, blinking rapidly as a few stray drops of rain slipped into his eyes. "M-Mom...I-I...I'm s-sorry..."

"Brian, Howie...take Nick to his room," Kevin instructed as him and Denise helped AJ stand up on his unsteady feet. He had just caught a glimpse over his shoulder at Nick and had seen that the tall blonde had fallen into a deep restless sleep. The sooner they got him out of the room, the sooner they would be able to focus all of their attention on AJ.

"I'm staying here," Howie answered, once again glaring at his older bandmate. "You can handle Nick, right Brian?"

Brian hesitated where he was standing, his expressions showing that he could handle getting Nick back to his room, he just didn't want to leave since AJ had just returned. "Yeah, no problem..." he finally answered.

"C'mon Aje, let's get you sitting on the bed," Kevin told his shivering friend as him and Denise led him over to the bed.

"Hey J, you're back!" Nick called out in a sleepy tone, his eyes merely half open as Brian led him towards the door. "Wait, Frick...why are we leaving?"

"AJ needs his sleep," Brian answered. "You can come back in the morning to speak to him, because right now you need sleep also."

"Whatever you say, Frick..." Nick mumbled.

Then they were out the door.

"Could you get him some dry clothes he can change into?" Denise asked, directing her question towards Howie. She watched as he nodded, then she turned so she was facing her son. He was hunched over where he sat and he had his face buried in his hands. Denise could tell he was crying softly. "Alex...speak to us and tell us what is going on in your head."

"No..." came AJ's muffled answer.

"No?" Kevin clarified. "Aje, we're here to help you, but we can't do that unless you open up to us. You can tell us what you're thinking, we'll understand whatever you have to say."

"How could you understand?" AJ asked, finally looking up at the people sitting around him. "You can't understand what I'm thinking."

"We could try if you just talk to us, honey," Denise told him, taking hold of his hand. But much to her shock, he only pulled it away.

"You'd only think I'm crazy..."

"I don't care how crazy you may be because you're my son, and depsite whatever circumstances may come about, I will love you regardless of it."

"How can you say that when all I am is a disappointment?"

"You're not a dissappointment, Alex."

"Here ya go, Aje," Howie interrupted as he handed AJ a dry shirt, pants, boxers, and socks. "Go change."

AJ snatched the dry clothes from Howie's grasp and stumbled into the bathroom without saying a simple thank-you. The door slammed shut, leaving three people in total silence. It wasn't until nearly ten minutes later was the silence broken when Kevin cleared his throat. He stood up and walked over to the bathroom door, raising a fist and tapping it against the wood.

"Aje?" he called out, knocking again. "Hey Aje, you ok in there?"

Only silence replied and Kevin knocked again. "AJ?"

"G-get my Mom..." came AJ's distressed request from inside the bathroom.

Denise didn't even need Kevin to tell her to come over there. She had heard her son's request and was already at the door. "Hi honey, do you want me to come in?" she asked as she stood beside Kevin.

The door clicked open and AJ appeared in the doorway, fully dressed in the dry clothes Howie had gotten out for him. "M-mom...don't hate me, please..."

"I don't hate you, Alex," Denise whispered as she pulled her son into her arms. "Never."

"I'm sorry for everything. Really, I am!"

"It's alright, honey. You don't need to apologize."

"But I do because I've hurt you so much, and I've disappointed you even more."

"But you haven't."

"Then why do I feel that way?"

"Could you give us a few minutes?" Denise asked Kevin as she went to shut the bathroom door. She took AJ over and sat him on the closed toilet seat so she could continue to talk to him directly. "Why didn't you tell me it was getting this bad for you?"

"Because I thought you would think I was being stupid and that I just needed to deal with my problems," AJ shrugged as he tried to answer.

"But suicide, Alex? Why would you want to take your own life?"

AJ fell silent as he looked away from his mother, stupidity coursing throughout his body. He had been asking himself that question, but his mind just wouldn't supply him with adequate answer. "I...I don't know..."

"Suicide isn't something that you can take lightly. Honey, we have to get you some help."

"What, lock me up in a mental institution so you don't have to deal with me anymore?"

Tears welled in Denise's eyes as she saw the amount of fear that washed over her son's face at that moment. "No, I wouldn't abandon you like that."

"But the fellas...I'm sure-"

"They're just as concerned about you as I am, honey."

"But they hate me."

"No, they just don't understand why you wanted to take your own life."

"Because...because I can't do this anymore. I just want to give up."

"But Alex, nothing can ever get to the point of giving up unless you let it. You've always been a strong person, that's what I raised you up to be. When you took the initiative to get help for your alcohol problem, I was so proud of you. It takes a lot of guts to admit you've got such a problem, and to say you know you need help, that takes even more guts."

"But this is too hard, Mom..."

"You can overcome it if you absolutely want to. All you have to do is try to help yourself and except the help that others who care deeply about you want to give. It can't over take you unless you let it."

"Mom...I don't want to die," AJ whimpered, feeling ever the more helpless.

"I won't let you," Denise told him, wrapping her arms around his body as his tears started up again. "I won't let you do that to yourself. We are going to get you help and I will make sure that it is the help you need."

"I'm scared, Mom," AJ admitted.

"I know you are, but you aren't going to have to worry about anything. It's gonna be alright," Denise replied, hugging him tightly in her arms. "I promise it will be ok."

*****

After AJ had felt like he had gained his composure enough, he allowed his mother to lead him out of the bathroom so they could join Howie and Kevin. They found the two men sitting on opposite sides of the room; Howie sat on the edge of AJ's bed while Kevin sat in a chair that was beside the far wall. Both of them jumped up from their seats when AJ and Denise walked out of the bathroom.

"You alright, Aje?" Howie immediately asked.

"Yeah..." AJ muttered quietly as he sat down on his bed. He fell backwards onto his back so he was staring up at the cieling. He wasn't sure if he could look his bandmates in the eye yet.

It was that damn feeling of shame that was torturing him again.

"Would you like us to stay still?" Kevin asked.

"No, I think I can handle it," Denise replied, sitting next to her son.

"Actually, Mom...could you step out of the room for a few minutes?" AJ requested as he rested one of his arms over his eyes. "I need to make a phone call."

"Alex-"

"Please, Mom? I only need ten minutes at the most. I just need to call someone right now."

"I...guess so..." Denise hesitated. "I'll be right outside the door."

"Thanks."

"If you need anything, Aje...just give us a ring, alright?" Howie spoke as he and Kevin headed towards the door.

"Yeah, thanks guys."

"We'll see you in the morning and we'll talk more then. Just try to get some sleep tonight," Kevin told him.

"I'll try."

"Call me back in when you're done," Denise instructed.

"I will, Mom..."

AJ waited several seconds until everyone had shuffled out of the room, before he reached over for his cellphone on the nightstand. 'Please let her be home...' he thought as he quickly hit the speed dial and waited patiently as it began to ring.

*Click* "Hey there. You've reached Jenny and Jameelah. Obviously we're not home right now to take your call, so we'd really appreciate it if you would leave us a message and call back number so we can get back to you as soon as we can. Thanks!"

AJ sighed. "Jaymee...it's...it's Alex. I haven't talked to you in a while so I thought I would give you a call. I tried calling earlier, but I got the answering machine-"

"Alex?"

AJ's heart stopped beating. "Jaymee?"