[ - ]
Table of Contents [Report This]
Printer Chapter or Story Microsoft Word Chapter or Story
- Text Size +
Chapter 2: Feelings

He couldn't stop thinking about her as he made his way back to the hotel. Walking along the streets, he was surprised to find that they were nearly deserted. People were seeming to turn in early that night, which surprised him even more. The absence of any noise particulary seemed to place an extra layer of guilt on his chest since he had nothing else to occupy his thoughts.

His mind wandered.

Swirling thoughts of stupidity mushed his brain and he realized for the first time that night that he was developing a headache. The cool breeze nipped at his ears as he thought back to only moments before. He thought he had been so ready to end everything; he thought he had wanted to end everything. But someone above had heard his cry for help and she just happened to come walking along.

For this, he was thankful.

He knew if she wouldn't have come along, he would no longer be breathing at that moment. He might not have done it right that second, but sometime afterward, he would have and that scared him more than ever.

'I've lost it' he thought, 'I've totally lost it'.

He couldn't believe that he had almost pushed himself to attempt the unimaginable. Just the thought of ever attempting such a thing used to seem so repulsive to him and he looked down on anyone whoever tried, whether they succeeded or not. But there he had been that very night, letting the weakness inside of him take over. He knew what he was...

A coward.

He knew that only a coward would stoop so low as to try to take their own life, and that's exactly what he had done. But much to his luck and sudden feeling of relief, the right person came along at the right time, keeping him from causing himself any harm.

He didn't know what it was about her, but there was something mysterious that had caught his attention the first time he had her speak. Her voice floated gently from her lips, as if it were no task for her to speak and she pulled him up with such graceness that he was amazed.

The way she had approached him seemed much different then others. When fans, for example, came up to him, there would be a nine out of ten chance that he would hear nothing but screams ringing in his ears, even after they had walked away. That wasn't they way it was with her. She spoke to him, and when she found out who he was, she didn't have a spaz attack. She remained normal, and she treated him normal. Which made him feel better more then he realized at the moment.

But she had done something else...

She had saved him.

Saved him from his own personal destruction.

Preventing him from the wrong fate going into play.

By the time he arrived back at the hotel, he was shivering from the lack of coverage he had on his arms and his developing headache had developed straight into a full blown migraine. He felt ready to fall over and pass out. He knew he deserved this punishment though.

The lobby inside was deserted just as much as the streets outside and he had no trouble making his way across the brick-colored tile floor. He was happy for that much because he didn't think he would be able to handle any encounters at that time. All he wanted to do at that moment was take a shower and go to bed. He just wanted to forget about that night.

And he was making it to his room in record time it seemed. The elevator was already waiting at thelobby floor when he reached it and it took only a mere thirty seconds to reach his designated floor, the fourth. With a loud 'ding' that only caused his head to pound, he was able to step out of the elevator and continue on his way, walking down the completely deserted hall towards his room.

He had almost made it, completely undisturbed the whole time, until...

"AJ!"

He paused in front of his door, letting loose of a silent groan.

"AJ!"

To say the voice was a bit angry would be an understatement and he shivered at the thought of the look on the owner's face. But he braced himself for the confrontation. He had been through it many times in the past and he knew what was in store for him.

"Where the Hell have you been?!" Kevin hissed, marching straight over to where AJ stood stalk still. AJ kept his back facing his older bandmate, only pushing Kevin's button harder. The older man reached out a hand and spun AJ around. "Look at me when I'm speaking to you!"

AJ was shocked at the amount of anger his friend was expressing. A look of pure and utter evil crossed his bandmate's eyes and made AJ want to shrink back in fear, but he had had enough of being a coward for one night. Instead, he held up his strong front and with the same look of evil, he pushed Kevin's hand away. "Back off damnit!"

Having enough respect to not push his friend, Kevin stepped backwards a foot, creating enough space between him and AJ. "Where the Hell have you been?" he repeated, his teeth gritted in added effect. His emerald eyes were ablaze with a fire that was lit by his anger.

"I was out," AJ answered shortly.

"No shit!" Kevin swore.

AJ winced as the obscenity left his friend's mouth. Only on rare occasions did Kevin ever swear so harshly, and AJ knew this must be one of them. Kevin was extremely angry.

He opened his mouth to reply, but Kevin was quick to cut him off.

"What makes you think you can just up and run off whenever you want without telling anyone?! Do you even realize how worried you had all of us when we couldn't find you?! When are you going to grow up and stop acting so irresponsible?! Even Nick acts more responsible then you sometimes! I expect more from you AJ!"

Kevin was really going off this time. AJ could only think of one other time Kevin had yelled at him this badly. It had been when Kevin and Howie had gone bar hopping one night, leaving AJ, Brian, and Nick back at the hotel. Brian had crashed early that night because he was suffering from a nasty case of a cold and needed as much rest as he could so he could recover from the cold before their next performance two days later. Nick had come sulking over to AJ's room complaining that he was bored and Brian had kicked him out because he was making too much noise and Brian couldn't sleep. The two of them were chilling and playing a bit of nintendo when AJ pulled out a bottle of vodka he had smuggled in earlier that day without anyone's knowledge. He then challenged Nick to a shot drinking contest, and since Nick was way under age for legal drinking, he had been all for the idea. Before AJ knew what was happening, Nick was finishing off the last of the bottle and could barely stand on his own two feet, let alone walk around. Not even a minute later, Howie and Kevin came walking through the door (AJ and Howie were sharing a room at the time) and saw Nick completely drunk. Not only was Kevin pissed about the fact that AJ had snuck alcohol into the hotel and that he, too, was underage, Kevin completely went off, yelling at AJ about how irresponsible he was to let Nick drink and that he should know better to set a good example for young Nickolas. If things weren't bad enough from Kevin's verbal beating, when he helped Nick off the floor to take him to Brian's room, the contents of Nick's stomach came spewing out of his mouth all over Kevin's face and the front of his shirt. The next day, AJ was grounded to his hotel room and Kevin had personally paid AJ's body guard to stand outside the door so AJ couldn't leave.

Since that time, Kevin and AJ had their share of arguements, but none of them had ever amounted to being as bad as that one that night. So AJ was completely shocked tonight when Kevin started going off. It was like replaying that night any years again with the only difference being that Nick wasn't rolling around on the floor giggling madly like a school girl because he was completely drunk.

"Damnit AJ, we were worried sick because you just dissappeared without letting us know where you were going! What the Hell is wrong with you?! You're beginning to go back to the way you were before you went into rehab!"

AJ felt that comment stab his heart and he almost thought his face was stinging from the verbal slap. Kevin really had some nerve to be saying that to him. He forced his hands to ball into fists and held them tightly at his sides to prevent himself swinging at Kevin's head.

"Are you even listening to a word I'm saying?!"

The temperature in his face was continually rising and he'd had enough. He didn't need this right now, so he quickly slipped his key card into the slot, keeping his hand on the door handle. Shooting Kevin an icy glare, he gritted, "Feel lucky that I even came back!" Without giving Kevin a chance to reply, he walked into his room and slammed the door shut.

Walking into the dark room, he didn't bother turning on any lights and he slammed down on the unmade bed. Laying there on his back, he stared up at the ceiling that he could barely make out through the dark and the tears slowly began to fall down his cheeks he was in a silently crying fit. His chest rose unevenly as his body shuttered from every sob.

He didn't understand how he could screw up so much. It seemed like he was always screwing something up, even during his early youth. Then to be dubbed as the "bad boy" or "rebel" of the group was like mockery and it only seemed to give him worse bad luck with things going wrong.

Then when he did do something wrong, people were never slow to jump on his case about it to tell him how irresponsible he was, as if he were the only person in the world who wasn't perfect. That was exactly what he was.

Not perfect.

He knew Kevin didn't realize it, and he wouldn't let him know, but the fact that he had yelled so harshly towards him had really hurt. 'If he would have known the real reason why I had run off, he wouldn't have acted like that...' AJ thought as he gasped for breath, trying to stop his tears. He knew he needed to calm down and he knew Kevin had only been that angry because he was really worried about AJ's safety.

Now he was beginning to feel like a pest.

All he was, or so he thought, was a bother to the people around him. His bandmates were always having to worry about their "bad boy rebel brother', his mother, though she tried not to show it most of the time because he was an adult, was always worried about her son. They were always so worried and had so many expectations they wanted him to live up to, that all he felt like was a big failure.

After several more minutes of laying sprawled out on his back, he was able to get his tears to cease and he rubbed exhaustedly at his eyes. He was back to feeling horrible like before and now his head felt like it was going to explode. His migraine just wasn't making the situation better for him.

He reached into his pocket for the small set of keys that had his suitcase lock key on it and felt a small crumbled piece of paper. After pulling it out, he reached over and turned on the light that was on the nightstand next to his bed, and umcrumbled the paper. He recognized the bright pink scrawl as Jameelah's number and remembered how she had given it to him before she had walked away.

Without hesitation, AJ reached for his cellphone on the nightstand and quickly dialed the number. He needed to talk to this girl again. If she had been able to so easily make him feel better earlier, then he needed her to do the same thing again right now.

One ring...

Two rings...

On the third ring, and just as he was giving up hope on someone answering on the other end, he heard a click and held in his breath. Instead of being met with Jameelah's voice, a completely different voice answered.

"Hello?"

AJ's voice caught in his throat. Had he some how misdialed the number?

"Hello?"

AJ shook his head and cleared his throat. "Can I speak to Jameelah?" his asked, his voice coming out more raspy then usual.

"May I ask who's calling?"

"Alex."

"Hold on," the voice answered. AJ could hear her calling in the background, "Jaymee! There's an Alex on the phone for you!"

Than he heard Jameelah's voice answer. "Alex?!"

"That's what he said!"

The next thing AJ heard was the phone being shuffled. "Alex?"

"Um...hi," AJ answered and immediately slapped his forehead at his lame reply. He majorly regretted that afterward when his head argued back to the beating with more pounding.

"Why are you calling?" Jameelah asked, walking away from her roommate into a different room. She shut the door.

"You gave me your number...was I not supposed to call?" AJ hesitated.

"No, no, no...I didn't mean it like that," Jameelah immediately answered, almost cutting AJ off. "I'm just surprised you called so quickly. I mean, I just saw you not even an hour ago."

"I'm sorry, I was just a bit bored and lonely at the same time," AJ lied, sitting up on the bed and resting his back against the wall. "I just really wanted someone to talk to."

"And I was the first one you thought of?"

"Kinda..." AJ bit down on his bottom lip. "If you don't want to talk, that's fine. I don't want to bother you."

"No, it's alright. I don't mind talking."

AJ had an idea. "Well, one of the reasons why I was calling was because tomorrow is a free day for me and I was wondering if...you'd like to spend it with me?"

There was a long pause on Jameelah's end.

"Hello? Jaymee, are you still there?"

Jameelah let out a laugh. "Jaymee?"

"The girl who answered the phone called you Jaymee. If you don't want me to call you that, I won't."

"That would be my roommate Jenny. And yes, you can call me Jaymee."

AJ grinned. "So, will you take me up on my offer? I know we only met today, but I would really like to have your company tomorrow."

"Well, you're lucky Alex. I don't work tomorrow, so yes...I think I will take you up on your offer."

"Awesome. Would you mind meeting up at the hotel I'm staying at?"

"Sure. Where ya staying?"

AJ quickly relayed directions to the hotel him and the guys were staying at before he heard pounding on his door. He prayed to God that it wasn't Kevin. "So I'll see you tomorrow morning around ten?" he asked quickly as he stood up from the bed and started heading towards the door where the pounding was still persisting.

"Yep, I'll be there."

"Alright, see ya then. Sleep well Jaymee."

"You too Alex."

After he had succssfully hung up the phone with Jameelah, he stuffed it in his pants pocket and swung the door open. As an answer to his prayer, it wasn't Kevin standing at the door, it was Howie. AJ sighed in relief.

"So I heard Kev really ripped you a new one, huh?" Howie greeted as he walked into AJ's room.

AJ shut the door and walked over to his bed, plopping down again. "It ain't nothing new," he mumbled, placing his hands behind his head. He then shut his eyes, letting out a breath of air.

"He was just worried Aje," Howie answered, offering his friend a sympathetic look. "We all were. I mean, you just up and left without a word. That's not like you anymore."

"I needed some time by myself."

"Would it have been hard to at least tell someone where you were going?"

"Yes, and I didn't know where I was going anyways."

"Smartass," Howie snickered with a grin. "Anyways, I just wanted to come by to make sure you were ok. I'll see you in the morning."

"Yeah, 'night D."