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Chapter 20: No Worries

'Since when has playing video games been such an obstacle for me?' AJ thought in frustration as he punched the buttons on his controller in a rapid motion. His eyes narrowed in a deep concentration as he stared at the television screen before him. "Argh! Stupid button!" he yelled out, his eyebrows furling as his character was knocked to the ground by Brian's character. "'Rok! That's not fair! Stop it! Oh c'mon man, at least give me a chance to get up! ROK!"

Brian busted into a fit of laughter as he didn't let up on AJ's character. "Lose your game playing touch, eh?" he cackled, barreling down on AJ's character and hitting him with an uppercut. The character hit the ground with a loud thud and a splurt of animated blood flew in all directions. "Ha! Take that!"

"Now listen here you Canadian Kentucky-fried chicken!" AJ growled as he lunged at Brian, knocking the shorter man to the floor and sitting on top of him so he couldn't get up. "Now who's winning? Huh? Huh?!"

"A...J...get off!" Brian yelled in a muffled voice from his face being pressed against the soft-carpeted floor. He squirmed beneath AJ, but his tatooed friend wouldn't let him up if his life depended on it.

AJ quickly directed his character to retaliate against Brian's character since Brian was unable to defend it. He punched at the buttons in a mad manner until his character had knocked Brian's to the ground and pinned him there. At that moment, AJ threw his controller down and jumped up in a triumphant manner, throwing his fists into the air. "Who da man? WHO DA MAN?!"

"That's not fair, J! You cheat!" Brian glared as he sat up, rubbing the side of his face.

"You're just a sore loser!" came AJ's reply as he found his own turn to cackle at the Kentuckian. "You Canadian Kentucky-fried chicken!"

"I am not a sore loser, you freak! And what's with 'Canadian Kentucky-fried chicken'? I don't understand the 'Canadian' part, but I do understand and resent the 'Kentucky-fried chicken' part!"

AJ shrugged. "You said "eh" and it made you sound like a canadian," he answered lamely, sitting on the floor again and picking up his controller. "Don't ask me for the meanings behind what I say, because you're asking the wrong person, 'Rok. You up for another game?"

"Yo' goin' down!" Brian answered, picking up his controller again with a competetive look on his face. "Just like you would have lost this last time if you wouldn't have so selfishly cheated, you...you chili-cheese butthead!"

"Chili-cheese?" AJ snickered.

"Does yellow ketchup freakazoid work better for ya?"

AJ raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Besides the fact that what you just said confused the Hell out of me, it was even more priceless then the first."

"How about just plain...TART!"

"Oh now you just be dissin' and you goin' down!"

"Try me!"

"You're on!"

With that, the two humored friends turned their full attention back to the television screen in front of them, their immature competetive side coming out at full force. Each was tuned directly into beating the other to prove that they were the best at the game they were currently playing, convincing their mind that the other was going down.

"Give it up, 'Rok! You ain't gonna win!"

*Kick, punch, punch, kick*

"You're going to lose, J! So you give it up!"

*Punch, kick, punch, punch, kick, punch*

"In your dreams, 'Rok!"

*Kick, kick, punch*

"No, in your dreams!"

*RING*

"Um, 'Rok?" AJ asked, taking his eyes off the television screen.

"Take that!" Brian screamed wildly, looking oddly like Nick with his tough "game face".

"'Rok?"

"And that! You're goin' down, J! You're goin' down!!!"

*RING*

"ROK!!!"

"What?" Brian finally asked, his tone distracted.

*RING*

"Your pants are ringing."

"My what are doing what?"

"Your P-A-N-T-S are R-I-N-G-I-N-G!"

*RING*

"Oh! My cell is ringing!" Brian exclaimed, reaching into his pocket to retrieve his phone.

"Nooooo...really?" AJ joked, placing his controller down and turning the playstation off.

"Hello?" Brian answered flipping the phone open. There was a short moment of silence before Brian's eyes grew wide and his mouth formed a large grin. AJ immediately knew who had rung and he was able to let out a playful inward groan before Brian blurt, "Hey baby!"

'That would be my signal to leave' AJ thought, standing up. "Hey 'Rok?"

"I love you more, baby."

"'Rok?"

"No, I love you more."

"Ahem, 'Rok?"

"I love you more... No, I said I love you more... I love you more..."

AJ snatched the phone from Brian's hand.

"Hey!" Brian glared. "Give that back!"

AJ shook his head no and brought the phone up to his ear. "Yeah, Leigh? It's AJ. Listen, niether of you loves the other more. You both love each other the same. So take my advice on that, because if I hear Brian say "I love you more" one more time, then I am going to have to kill myself."

AJ froze.

Biting down on his bottom lip, he stole a quick glance at his Ketuckian friend and found him shooting him a nervous look. AJ sighed and tried to cover up his mistake. "Um...wrong choice of words. I gotta go." With that, he tossed the phone back to Brian and began heading towards the door.

"Hold on, Leigh," Brian quickly told his wife before he tossed the phone to the bed and hurried after AJ. "Hey, Aje...wait up!"

"I'm heading back to my room," AJ answered him absentmindedly as he reached for the door handle, but Brian stopped him.

"You can't leave, just stay here," he told AJ, uneasiness coating his voice. Ever since AJ had returned the day before, nobody wanted to let him out of their sight for too long. Extra copies of AJ's hotel room key card had been made for the fellas, Denise, and the guards, so they could keep a close eye on their fallen bandmate, son, and friend for that day until they left for the next city. Nobody was about to take the chance of letting anything happen to AJ after finding out what he had tried to do. That had been too close of a call for anyone to feel comfortable.

"Just ignore what I said on your cell, because I didn't mean it. I'll be fine, alright?"

"But, Aje-"

"Just tell my mom or Jeff that I headed back to my room."

"Aje-"

"I'll be fine, 'Rok. I promise," AJ told him one last time and walked out the door.

*****

'As I sit here writing this, I can honestly say that I am scared. Scared to death to be more correct. I feel like I've run into a dead end and two days ago, I nearly had. I nearly succeeded in ending my life, and trust me, I would have, had it not been for my best friend stopping me.

I really must be going crazy, attempting to take my life...again. What was going through my head that night...I really can't remember now. Maybe it was the blowup with the fellas during the meeting that morning, or the argument outside with Howie, or...I don't know. I really don't know anymore. I was so caught up in everything going wrong, that, now I think my mind just ceased to process thoughts normally. I mean, who in their right mind stoops so low as to commit suicide or attempt to thereof?

Noone.

I've always been brought up to value life and not take it for granted. That's just the way my mother always raised me, and she did a good job too. So where did everything go wrong? When did I seemingly stop valuing life? Or have I stopped? Again, I really don't know anymore. But one thing's for sure, one thing that I do know...

I need help.

There's nowhere else to run but to get help. The fellas and my mother have been sure to make me realize this in the past 24 hours since they found out what I had tried to do, rather since Howie told them. I know at first I didn't want to admit it, but I will be forever greatful of Howie for telling someone, instead of keeping it a 'secret' like I had so dumbly made him promise to do. That had to of been the next most stupid decision I had ever made. But Howie knew better, that's why I'm thankful. The guy has a horrible concious anyway. It came in handy this time, though. And thank God for that. If Howie wouldn't have told anyone like I had made him promise...I hate to think what could have happened.

God, my mind is so screwed up right now. The overwhelming sense of fear really drags a person down... When I walked in on Howie telling Brian what had happened, something in me completely snapped. I freaked out like never before and fled. I think maybe I was afraid of how Brian was going to react, what his opinion of me would be. How it would change. Surely I thought he would think I was insane, and I defenitely did not need to hear someone telling me to my face that I was a damn right crazy person for attempting what I had attempted. At the time, I didn't realize how big of a mistake it was when I ran.

Thinking back, I really don't think I realized I was running, and if I did, I surely had no idea where I was going.

At first I was hurt knowing that Howie had blurted my secret to someone and the only thing my mind was telling me was to get away. Far away. I didn't get too far, though. I just plain and simple couldn't get myself to go anywhere. Maybe it's because I was afraid to be alone. I really don't know. But when I finally made my way back to the hotel and to my room, my mother and the fellas were all there waiting for me. It stunned me, to say the least, at how much I had hurt everyone by running off.

Especially my mother.

I don't really remember such a time seeing my mother so upset as she did right then, except for when my grandmother passed away. And that's what hurt me greatly. I had done the one thing to my mother that I vowed never to do. I had unintentionally hurt her more then I would ever realize. I caused her a great amount of stress, worry, and grief, and for that I am ashamed. Not to mention all of the stress I have bestowed upon the fellas' shoulders.

Tell me God, why do I keep making mistakes?

But still, they all vow to support me and they're determined to get me the help I need. Don't get me wrong, because I'm beyond words of how thankful I am for that, but...I feel as if I don't deserve any of it. I've already become so much of a burden towards them, that I just don't understand how they can stick with after all of this. I must be ignorant for thinking like that... Go figure.

So as a result of my problem, issue, mistake...whatever would be the right word to describe it, nobody wants to let me out of their sight for long. I don't blame them all for acting this way and I suppose it's for the best. I wouldn't want to let me out of my sight if I were them either. It's just the fact that whatever little privacy I had prior, is completely gone now. But who do I have to blame? Nobody, but myself. So there's no use in whining. Jeff is currently perched outside my hotel room and continues to check in on me every few minutes, as does everyone else since they were provided copies of my key card. It's already becoming quite bothersome if my opinion counted, but in this case it doesn't. I suppose I just need to keep in mind that it's for my own good and recognize that it's my fault they are having to do this. At least they care enough about me to want to get me help.

I guess I really am lucky...'

~From the journal of AJ McLean

*****

The rain had finally begun to ease up and the wind had ceased to blow, allowing AJ sit comfortably in one of the chairs out on the balcony of his hotel room. He sat in complete silence, safe from the rain because of the overhanging roof, as he took a long drag of his cigarrette. Exhaling the nicotine smoke through his nose, he sent his gaze upward and studied the light gray formation of the clouds that were letting lose of the precipitation. He shuttered at the thought of how dark and ugly they had been the day before. Their characteristics had seemed to fit his mood and situation perfectly, but now they were becoming lighter, and the storm was letting up, almost making him feeling as if a great amount of stress was being lifted off his shoulders. Maybe it was just coincedence, he thought. Or maybe things were starting to get better, slowly turning brighter like the clouds were turning lighter.

"Care for some company?" a voice interrupted AJ's train of thought and the rebel turned around to see Kevin casuaully walking onto the balcony. The tall Kentuckian offered a friendly smile and took a seat in the other chair. "Nice weather, huh?" he spoke with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"The storm has let up a bit, that's always a good thing," AJ noted, trying to think of how to reply. He brought the cigarrette back up to his lips and took another drag.

"True, true..." Kevin agreed with a nod of his head, cringing at the smell of nicotine floating around in the muggy air. "So what are you up to?"

"Trying to relax," AJ shrugged, taking one last drag and throwing the cigarette to the cement ground, stomping it with his shoe. "I was in 'Rok's room a while go, batteling it out on his playstation...but the wifey poo called, so I took that as my signal to leave."

"Let me guess," Kevin started with a smirk. "He started doing the whole 'I love you... No I love you more' thing?"

"Yep," AJ answered, rolling his eyes.

"Predictable. Way too predictable..." Kevin chuckled, leaning back in the chair. "Anyway, on the subject of wives... Kris says 'hi'."

"Kris?"

"Yeah, I was just talking to her on the phone. And before you start, I called her and no, the whole 'I love you... No I love you more' thing does not run in the family."

"Alright, then you're cool," AJ joked in a sly tone. "You had me worried for a moment there, Kev."

"My utmost apologies...you dork."

"Hey now, you better watch it."

"Is that a threat?"

"I can make it one if you want me to?"

Kevin rolled his eyes and let out a laugh. It brought him a bit of relief to hear AJ joking around and having a sense of humor. So far, they were on a good track with him. Letting his eyes wander, his green orbs landed upon a small leather book laying on the table that seperated the two chairs from one another. As curiosity got the best of him, Kevin reached out a hand and picked the book up. "What's this, Aje?" he asked, eying the book over.

AJ looked at Kevin and his heart skipped a beat when he saw that Kevin was holding his journal. Just as the older Kentuckian was proceeding to open the journal, AJ reached out and snatched it away. "It's nothing," he quickly said, holding the journal out of Kevin's reach.

Kevin raised a suspicious eyebrow. "Nothing?"

Shrugging, AJ lied, "Fine, it's just a little book I write poetry in."

"You still write poetry?" Kevin snickered playfully.

AJ shrugged again. "Is it a crime for me to be sentimental or is it just surprising that I know how to be sentimental sometimes?"

"Oh wow, the great Alexander James McLean knows how to be sentimental. I ought to tell the press."

"Wouldn't they love that..."

"They'd surely have a field day."

"Spare me this time, Kev," AJ laughed, reaching into his pocket for his pack of cigarrettes. He pulled one out, stuck it in his mouth, retrieved his lighter, and lit the cigarrette. "I've already got enough on my mind as it is. The press is the last thing I want to think about."

Kevin's eyebrows furled as he watched his younger bandmate lighting up another cigarrette. It was something he really dissapproved of, but it wasn't his right to say anything to AJ about it. The fellas and him had already tried when they first found out that AJ smoked, but AJ had blown it all off. It was the least of Kevin's worries at the moment, anyway. He and the others had bigger things to worry about taking care of. "I got a hold of management," he spoke up after a few minutes of silence where niether had exchanged a single word between one another.

"...Yeah?" AJ hesitated.

"Yeah," Kevin continued, catching a quick glance of AJ out of the corner of his eyes.

"W-what did they say?"

"They were quite curious as to why you need a therapist."

AJ felt his heart sink; he knew management would want to have some answers. No surprise that this was only going to turn into one big mess.

"So I told them that you suggested you needed a therapist because you've been feeling a bit depressed lately. I also said that we discussed it together as a group and felt it would be the best thing."

"And...did they go for that?"

"They're still acting curious about it, but listen Aje, don't worry about management. Leave that up to me and I'll get it taken care of and make sure things get worked out. You just need to worry about getting better. If anything, screw what management thinks."

"Screw what they think? Since when are you one to blow off what management has to say?"

"Since one of my younger brothers needs serious help."