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Chapter 25: Thoughts Be Told

It was heading into the evening hours when the Boys finally headed over to the arena they would be playing their next show at the following evening. They entered town in a quiet manner, on account that the fans had been informed that they weren't "supposed" to arrive until the day of the concert. At least it allowed them to make it to the arena for a practice without being hassled, but all five of them knew that it was only a matter of hours before news leaked to the fans about them being in town early. Well, when that happened, like always, they would deal with it. Hopefully, they would already be at the hotel, in their rooms. Of course, they could only hope for that...

The chance of it actually happening that way?...Slim to none.

Ah, the glorious life of a Backstreet Boy.

Then again, the fans got them to where they were.

At the current moment, they were all on stage, adreneline coursing throughout each of their bodies, all of them except AJ. It was for him, out of the five, that practice just wasn't suiting him. He had his mood to blame for that. Ever since the phone call he had placed to New York at 2:30 that morning, he had been in an even more darkened mood. Worse then his mood from the previous day. He just couldn't get it out of his head how Jameelah had snapped so harshly towards him, and he still didn't understand why she was so mad at him in the first place. And that was partly for the fact that she just stubbornly refused to even acknowledge the fact that he deserved an explanation.

Why women chose to be so damn confusing sometimes, AJ would never fully understand...

"We've been through days of thunder / Some people said we don't belong / They tried to pull us under / But here we stand together and we're millions strong!"

"Let's get on with the show!"

"Let's get started!"

"Turn the lights down low!"

"Turn the lights down low!"

"You were there from the start!"

"You were there!"

"We know who you are!"

"And this one goes out to..."

"Everyone / (Yeah!) Everyone / Everyone / Said this one goes out to you! / Everyone / We're standin' strong 'cause of what you've done / This one goes out to you!"

AJ paid no attention to the music blaring from the stereo set up on the edge of the stage, nor did he pay any attention to the lyrics that his bandmates were singing. He was off in a totally different world hidden deep within his thoughts, causing him to barely even notice the fact that his legs and feet were moving, let alone feeling his body move. It was this that caused him to screw up.

And the music came to a halting stop.

"AJ!"

He heard Kevin's notorious reprimanding voice yell in his direction and he looked up from the stage floor to see Kevin standing next to the stereo, his chest moving up and down in a quickened pace from being slightly out of breath. Apart from the fact of looking tired, Kevin was beginning to look just the smallest bit angry. 'Great, here we go again...' AJ thought. 'It's yell at AJ time for screwing up.'

"What happened, AJ?" Kevin questioned, his emerald eyes piercing into AJ's dark chocolate ones.

"Nothing," AJ shrugged as he wiped a few beads of sweat away from his brow.

"Why you lagging behind then? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I just wasn't paying enough attention."

"Well then, pay better attention."

'No shit, Lord Richardson...' AJ watched as Kevin re-wound the CD several seconds, shot AJ a look, then pushed the 'play' button. He hurried back into his spot as the music cued up again and they resumed their singing.

"Everyone / (Yeah!) Everyone / Everyone / Said this one goes out to you! / Everyone / We're standin' strong 'cause of what you've done / This one goes out to you!"

AJ took a shallow breath, preparing half-heartedly for his part. "We've been inside the circus / We take the pleasure with the pain / I guess there's something about us..." He zoned off again, the words slipping sloppily from his lips. His clumsiness got to him and he stumbled forward, nearly losing his balance as he tripped up during one of the dance moves.

"Dangit, AJ! Stop screwing around and concentrate!" Kevin once again yelled at him as Brian quickly took over the rest of AJ's part, watching as AJ tried to recover from his mishap.

But AJ didn't try very hard. Instead, he shot Kevin a hateful glare, wishing he would just back off. He didn't want to be doing this right now, especially when they would be going through the same thing the next day when they held the before-concert rehersal. But thanks to Mr. Perfectionist, ever since the group started, he wanted their routines to be perfect. Therefore he liked to have as many rehersals as possible. But the way AJ saw it, this was just unnecessary.

"AJ, pay attention!"

'You want me to pay attention? Fine!' AJ shot Kevin another glare as he quickened the pace at which his feet were moving, and soon enough he was getting way ahead in the routine then the others. But it soon proved to be that of a major mistake. He couldn't keep up with his own two feet and soon enough, he stepped the wrong way and resulted in twisting his right knee. His balance was completely lost, and as he fell to the ground, he could feel his knee cap pop out of place and immediately pop back into where it was supposed to be. "Shit! Shit! Shit! SHIT!!!" he howled in pain, his eyes clentched tightly shut, slamming his hand against the stage floor.

Once again, the music came to a halting stop, all four boys rushing over to their fallen bandmate.

"What the Heck was that all about?" Kevin immediately demanded to know.

"You alright, Aje?" Howie asked with expressive concern, ignoring the way Kevin had just spoken.

"No!" AJ moaned, rolling onto his back and placing a hand over his eyes. He gritted his teeth in agony.

"Let me see your knee," Howie instructed, reaching over to AJ's newly injured knee. No sooner had he placed two fingers around AJ's knee to check if it was swollen, did AJ cry out and jerked his leg away.

"Fuck, D! That hurts!"

"This wouldn't have happened if you wouldn't have been screwing around and if you would have just paid attention like I told you to," Kevin spoke, crossing his arms over his chest as he looked down at AJ. He really wasn't in the mood to be dishing out any sympathy at the moment.

"Shut up," AJ gritted, hugging his knee to his chest.

"What is your problem today, huh? You've been moody since the moment you stepped on the bus this morning."

"That's none of your damn business," AJ growled as he struggled to sit up and climb onto his feet. The moment he put any unwanted pressure on his right side, he felt a fire-like pain shoot up his leg and he grimaced. Just what he freaking needed. 'Screw up, AJ... Screw up, AJ...' his mind taunted him mercilessly, and he began to limp painfully off the stage.

"Where do you think you're going?" Kevin called after him.

"Leave me the Hell alone," AJ grumbled before he dissappeared backstage.

If AJ could say he was simply mad before, now he was plain pissed off as he limped backstage. His knee was throbbing tremendously from the extra pressure that was straining it and he immediately collapsed onto the first chair he noticed. Carefully, he began to roll up the silver-legging of his Nike warm-up pants to examine his knee. Already it was very swollen and red, much to AJ's disliking, and he winced as he poked at his knee with his finger. "Just freakin' great..." he muttered.

"You ok Aje?"

AJ looked up from his injury to find Howie entering the backstage area. His friend slowly approached him, eyes masked with concern. "I'm...fine," AJ shrugged.

Howie raised an eyebrow as he caught sight of AJ's knee. "Dang, that looks like it hurts."

"No D, it tickles," AJ replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Howie rolled his eyes. "Crappy day?"

'You have no idea...'

"Listen D, do me a favor. Go get Jeff and call me a cab."

"Why?"

"Because I'm going back to the hotel."

"Don't do that, Aje. Just come back out on stage and chill while the rest of us continue to reherse."

"No. My knee is killing me and I don't want to be here right now."

"But-"

"Just go get Jeff and call me a cab, please?"

Howie sighed. "Fine." And he walked off.

*****

'What I wouldn't do to be back at my own home, chillin' in my own theater...damnit! I miss my theater!' AJ thought pitifully to himself as he layed propped up on the bed in his hotel room. With a good sized ice-pack resting on his still-throbbing knee, he flipped aimlessly through the channels on the television. And what a surprise! Once again...there was nothing on. Just his damn luck, too. 'This sucks...this sucks...this sucks!'

Could his day possibly get any worse? Or was it even safe for him to question that? He was running on approximately five hours of sleep; four at the previous hotel and only one on the bus, all thanks to the rukus Brian and Nick were causing. AJ would have murdered the airheads if it would have meant he would have accomplished the task of getting a few hours of restful sleep. But no...not him. Now, not only was he suffering from a painful knee injury, he was also beginning to develope a stupid headache. Damn stress...

"Why don't these damn hotels ever have anything good on?!" AJ growled out in frustration as he glared at the tv. He didn't give a flying hoot about Five Star French Cuisine Chef Jaque and his wonderful delicious Escargo al a Duck dish. 'I want some McDonalds...'

Disgusted with the sight of the dish the chef was preparing, AJ put the tv on mute and reached for his cellphone. He needed to talk with Jameelah and he was determined to find out, once and for all, what the heck was going on. He'd be damned to get in another argument over the phone with her. So, he quickly dialed her number.

*RING!*

*RING!*

Jameelah's voice answered. "Hello?"

"Jaymee, we need to talk and you're NOT going to hang up on me this time," AJ immediately said, not thinking much about his first choice of words. He wanted to get right down to business.

There was silence on Jameelah's end before she finally replied, and when she did, her tone ringed with offense. "Who are you to say what I am and what I am not going to do?" she spat.

AJ was done keeping his cool. "I just want to know what the Hell is going on!"

Jameelah was never keeping her cool to begin with. "I can't believe you're speaking to me this way."

"Well I'm sick and tired of being left in the dark about why you are pissed off at me!"

"You are really pushing it, Alex."

"I deserve to at least know what the Hell I did wrong!" AJ exclaimed as he flung the tv remote to the bed.

"Why should you even care?" Jameelah questioned in a cold voice.

Yep, AJ was damned...because already they were arguing.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me," Jameelah repeated, but sighed. "Why don't you just stop wasting my time and I'll stop wasting your's."

AJ could feel the anger boiling within his veins as his eyes grew dangerously dark. He was growing tired of dealing with this; all he wanted was a simple explanation! "Damnit, Jaymee! What is this all about?"

"C'mon, Alex...don't play stupid. I can tell you feel like you have an obligation to keep in touch with me. And that's not fair. You don't have the time to call me and I understand that, but I don't need you feeling like you have to call me. 'Cause then I feel like I'm just being a pest," she told him in one long drawn-out breath.

"You think I feel like I have to call you?" he asked in disbelief.

"Are you trying to deny it?"

"Yeah, as a matter of a damn fact, I am! I don't know what the Hell your problem is, Jaymee, but I'm getting sick and tired of this! It's starting to sound like bullshit, and as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't seem like I've done anything wrong!"

Maybe not the best choice of words...

"You are going way too far-"

But AJ no longer cared.

"The Hell I am! Ya know, I'm sorry that my two friends acted like such asses towards you, it's not my fault they can be the biggest morons ever! And I'm sorry for hanging up on you the other night! I was at the venue for the concert and it was showtime. Brian dragged me off before I could get a chance to tell you I had to go, so don't you dare go blaming that on me! And just to let you know, I've never felt like I had an obligation to keep calling you! If that was the case, I wouldn't have wasted my time calling you in the first place! Whether you believe it or not, I actually look forward to talking to you! I have ever since I met you that night! So where the Hell do you get off saying I feel like I have an obligation to call you? You don't know me!"

"You're right, Alex. I don't know you, and I obviously don't have the chance to ever know you."

AJ sighed out in exasperation. "My Lord, you are impossible!"

"Screw you!"

"It's true though!"

"I'm sorry, but this conversation is over! Don't ever call me again, Alex!"

*CLICK*

*****

Jeanie McGuire walked briskfully down the quiet hotel hallway, offering a friendly smile as she passed by an elderly couple en route to the elevator in the opposite direction of which she was heading. By the position of the hands on her watch, she could tell that it was already nearing 7:00 and she still hadn't spoken or seen AJ that day. On account that they had left extremely early that morning, she wasn't able to meet up with him, and as soon as they arrived in the next town, they went straight to the arena they were performing at to hold an informal rehersal. Jeanie arrived in town almost two full hours after the Boys and decided against going to the arena to speak to AJ; she would just wait until they got to the hotel. That had been over four hours earlier and she was guessing hopefully that they were here now.

The short journey to AJ's hotel room was uneventful and as she rounded a final corner, she spotted AJ's bodyguard, Jeff, perched outside the doorway. "Hello," she greeted in a polite manner as she neared the tall, muscle bound man. It was no wonder that the man made her feel intimidated; he stood at a mere estimated 6'2" tall, his hands were burly and looked like they could crush any object with a single careless squeeze, and his biceps looked to be well-built from mindless hours of working out and lifting weights. Without question, he fit the typical description of what a "body guard" should look like. "You look like you're having a grand ol' time right now."

Jeff offered back a lop-sided grin. "Eh, it's my job and I get paid. So, I'm not complaining," he replied.

"On account that you're at your perch," Jeanie joked, "I'm guessing that AJ is in his hotel-room?"

"Uh, yes...he is. But um, I'm not sure if you really want to speak to him right now," Jeff hesitated, motioning to the door with his head.

"Why not?" Jeanie questioned, raising her eyebrows.

"He's having a bit of an argument on the phone with someone. He's not very happy."

"Well, I might be able to help him with that. Could you let me in?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, it's my job. So I'm sure."

"Alright then. Good luck," Jeff shrugged and slid his key card into the lock slot. There was a small 'clicking' noise to signal that the door had indeed been unlocked and Jeff effortlessly pushed it open to allow Jeanie to step inside. And with a "good-luck" smile, he quietly shut the door behind her.

Jeanie felt a small trace of wonder fall over her, though the feeling left as quick as it had come. She subconciously jumped as she heard the door shut slowly behind her, but hid her sheepish act with a small smile as she stepped further into the room. Her ears finally began to tune into all sound that was going on as her hazel eyes scanned the room and Jeanie spotted AJ propped on the bed, an ice pack placed gingerly over his right knee. Oddly, AJ hadn't noticed that he was no longer alone in the room, giving Jeanie the perfect opportunity to listen in and get some insight on what was being said in his argument over the phone.

"Why should you even care?"

The speaker on the other end was speaking loud enough that Jeanie could clearly make out every word said, and she had no problem immediately identifying the voice as being that of a female. Keeping her eyes glued on AJ, Jeanie watched as a dumb-struck look clouded his eyes, but was quickly replaced with that of confusion. His dark eyebrows furled as his lips parted.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me." Jeanie faintly heard the female sigh before continuing. "Why don't you just stop wasting my time and I'll stop wasting your's."

Jeanie felt the uneasiness creep in as she watched a dark look pass over AJ's eyes. At that current moment she had no clue what to make of the look or how to even begin to read AJ's eyes.

"Damnit, Jaymee! What is this all about?"

"c'mon, Alex...don't play stupid. I can tell you feel like you have an obligation to keep in touch with me. And that's not fair. You don't have the time to call me and I understand that, but I don't need you feeling like you have to call me. 'Cause then I feel like I'm just being a pest."

"You think I feel like I have to call you?"

"Are you trying to deny it?"

"Yeah, as a matter of a damn fact, I am! I don't know what the Hell your problem is, Jaymee, but I'm getting sick and tired of this! It's starting to sound like bullshit, and as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't seem like I've done anything wrong!"

'Uh-oh...' Jeanie thought as she silently slid over to the table and placed her pen and yellow legal pad down. AJ still failed to notice her. His eyes were filled with so much anger that he was zoned completely in on the cell phone in his hand. If Jeanie didn't know any better, she would have guessed that AJ looked about ready to lash out at someone.

She continued to listen.

"You are going way too far-"

"The Hell I am! Ya know, I'm sorry that my two friends acted like such asses towards you, it's not my fault they can be the biggest morons ever! And I'm sorry for hanging up on you the other night! I was at the venue for the concert and it was showtime. Brian dragged me off before I could get a chance to tell you I had to go, so don't you dare go blaming that on me! And just to let you know, I've never felt like I had an obligation to keep calling you! If that was the case, I wouldn't have wasted my time calling you in the first place! Whether you believe it or not, I actually look forward to talking to you! I have ever since I met you that night! So where the Hell do you get off saying I feel like I have an obligation to call you? You don't know me!"

"You're right, Alex. I don't know you, and I obviously don't have the chance to ever know you."

AJ sighed out in exasperation. "My Lord, you are impossible!"

"Screw you!"

"It's true though!"

"I'm sorry, but this conversation is over! Don't ever call me again, Alex!"

AJ opened his mouth to speak, but no sound ever escaped his lips. Instead, he sat there in silence, hurt casting over his deep chocolate eyes. Jeanie needed to do nothing more then to just look at his facial expressions to know that this person had indeed hung up on him, and by the looks of it, it had hurt AJ more then Jeanie could ever understand. Then, unbeknownst to AJ, he chucked his cell phone with all his fury directly towards Jeanie, letting out a deep growl.

"AJ!" Jeanie gasped as her hands shot up in front of her face and caught hold of the cell phone just in time before it came in contact with her forehead, smack dab in the middle. AJ's head shot in her direction and he looked at her in disbelief, more shocked then anything to see that she was actually there. "AJ?"

AJ blinked at his therapist several times, his lips pursed tightly together, then looked away.

"AJ?" Jeanie called out again, scooting her chair closer to the bed. "AJ look at me."

Unwillingly, AJ forced his gaze back to Jeanie's, his chest rising and falling with unsteady breaths. 'Just go away' he thought hatefully as he looked at her for a second. Then he spoke, "Before you even ask, there's nothing wrong."

Jeanie barely shook her head, dissapproving of AJ's comment. She leaned forward in her seat a little to make sure he kept eye contact with her. "AJ, you look like you're about ready to cry," she spoke softly, seeing small tears appearing at the corner of AJ's eyes. His long eyelashes fluttered as he blinked rapidly in a pathetic attempt to hide what was already obvious.

"No," he immediately tried to deny, his voice unsure and his eyebrows furling even more. "I'm about ready to break something out of sheer anger or hurt myself! Does that interest you?!"

"Yes, it does," Jeanie answered. She caught sight of AJ taking the ice-pack off his knee in a hasty manner and getting ready to chuck it at the wall, but she grabbed hold of his wrist, preventing him from doing so, and she took the ice-pack with her other hand. Catching a glimpse of AJ's knee, Jeanie winced at how swollen and red it was at the moment. A nice purple bruise had already formed on the side of his knee from the injury and Jeanie quickly pressed the ice-pack back against the skin. It was the coldness AJ needed to get the swelling down. She looked back into his eyes, choosing not to question him about how he had sustained the injury. "Just tell me what was going on during that phone call?"

"Isn't it already obvious?" AJ hissed, clearly not happy from Jeanie's action. He tried to pull his once again throbbing knee away from her, but she held his leg in place. She wasn't letting him go anywhere. "Let go, damnit!" he demanded.

Jeanie ignored what he said and firmly held his leg down. "No, it's not quite clear what all was going on. Care to clear things up for me?"

"Yes! It's none of your business!"

"You're wrong there, AJ. It is my business," Jeanie told him in a quiet yet force tone of voice. "Part of being your therapist means being entitled to knowing what is going on and what has happened. If you can't oblige to that, then I can't be your therapist. Now I'm only trying to help, but in order for me to do that successfully, you can't hold anything back. You need to speak to me."

"You wouldn't understand!"

"Try me."

"No, you wouldn't understand."

"Why's that?"

"Because you've never had trouble in the area of your love life before!"

"Oh really?" Jeanie asked, almost scuffing as she pulled her hand away from AJ's knee and sat up in her seat. It brought her relief to see that at least AJ didn't attempt to cause damage with the ice-pack again. His eyes were narrowed at her, almost in a challenging manner, but Jeanie wasn't going to back down. "And who gave you the right to assume such a thing?"

"Oh, come on! Who are you trying to fool!"

"No, AJ. You're the one who's trying to fool. You're assuming I've never had trouble in the area of my love life, which mind you, is none of your business. But where do you go about assuming such a thing? You don't know me."

"Get real, Ms. McGuire," AJ growled, shrinking away as hurt took over his body. He'd already succeeding in getting one person deeply pissed at him, could he count on Jeanie being a second?

"No, you get real, Mr. McLean," Jeanie answered back with just as much forcefulness. Without so much as a second thought, she reached into her pocket and pulled out a small picture, shoving it into AJ's hand.

AJ was shocked from Jeanie's sudden movement and he stared down at the picture in his hand. Immediately, he recognized Jeanie - her hazel eyes, golden strawberry blonde locks of hair, and the fact that she was wearing the same exact outfit as the one she had been wearng several nights ago when he'd first met her. But the other person in the picture...AJ had no clue as to who it was. It was a little girl who looked to be around the age of three, no older. Slender brown curls reached down to her tiny shoulders and she had bright sapphire eyes that went along perfectly with her toothy grin. She too, like Jeanie, was wearing a pair of khaki pants that flared at the bottom, and her tank top was blue, only it had white-beaded flowers decorating the front. And she wasn't wearing a jean jacket. AJ looked back up at Jeanie. "What's this supposed to mean to me?" he asked, still holding the picture until Jeanie snatched it away from him.

"The little girl in the picture..." Jeanie trailed, her eyes looking down at what was in her hands.

"Yeah, I noticed her. Who is she? Your niece?"

"No, she's my daughter...Alyssa," Jeanie answered, her voice quiet and somber. She continued to study the picture.

"You have a daughter?" AJ clarified.

"Yes, AJ...I do," Jeanie nodded. She took one last look at the picture before slipping it back into her pocket and looking up at AJ again. "She just turned three last month. She's my pride and joy."

"I bet you two are very close, huh?" AJ inquired, not understanding why his therapist would be telling him about this.

"No, we aren't."

"I don't understand-"

"I'm going to be open with you in hopes that you will be open with me when I'm done talking," Jeanie told him, preparing to say what she needed to say. "Like I told you when I met you a few days ago, I started my college education in London and finished it here in the United States. It was here in the states and at college that I met Jackson Hollister, who is Alyssa's father. I guess I can say he was my first "true" love as some people like to put it...or so I thought. We dated for several months and things started to really get serious, aside from us both being deeply involved with earning our degrees. Jack was studying to become a lawyer, and me, well...you know what I was studying to become. Anyway, only a year after Jack and I got together, I became pregnant with Alyssa. At first, Jack was the typical loving boyfriend, vowing to stand by me and help me raise our daughter once she was born. Then, only six months after Alyssa was born, Jack changed completely. He began to accuse me of neglecting our daughter. He said I cared more about my career then I did about Alyssa, when in fact several times I almost had to sacrifice my career to be able to provide for my daughter. Jack was doing nothing to help. But he knew how to work his way around the ropes, provided he was studying to become a lawyer. He also had his connections, his little inside lawyer friends. So he knew what he was doing when he took me to court to fight for custody of Alyssa after we had called the relationship off. He claimed that he could provide better for Alyssa then I ever could and that he was moving back to London to be closer to his family and practice law there. I basically had no chance against him and in the end, he was rewarded custody of our daughter and was given permission to move her back to London with him. That was almost two and a half years ago. Since then, I've only seen my daughter twice. The day I said goodbye in the airport when Jack took her to England at the age of seven months, and last month when I flew to London to visit her on her third birthday. So, you see AJ, I have had one shitty relationship and my love life has been far from happy."

"I'm sorry..." AJ whispered.

"I am too, because I would do anything to be able to see my daughter more."

"How come you just don't go over there and see her? You can fly over there when you have the money."

"I don't always have the money, AJ. My career doesn't allow me to take a vacation whenever I want. And I'm trying to build my case against Jack to win custody of Alyssa back. So right now, I have to deal with weekly letters and daily phone calls. It's the closest thing I've got to my daughter and I'm at least thankful for that."

"I'm sorry..." AJ whispered again.

Jeanie offered AJ a small smile, lifting the ice pack from his knee to check on the swelling. The swelling had gone down the slightest bit and Jeanie blushed at the fact that she had checked AJ's knee without evening thinking about it. A unconcious thought at the most. Reaching behind her towards the table, she grabbed hold of her pen and yellow legal pad, then turned back towards AJ. "So...you ready to talk now?"

"Talk about what?"

"About that phone call I just witnessed. About everything that's been happening in your life. Whatever you want to talk about AJ. I want to know what's going on in your head, what you're thinking, so I can help you."

"Where would you like me to start?"

"Wherever you feel you need to."

"I think I've been a fuck up ever since the moment I entered this world," AJ grumbled as he leaned back into his pillows. He tried desperately to push aside the throbbing pain that had returned to his knee. "A fucking screw up who makes mistakes wherever he goes."

Jeanie looked at AJ in wonder. She could see his true emotions conveyed through his eyes at that very moment. His whole mood had changed so drastically that it actually surprised Jeanie, to the point where her pen stood in a frozen position above the note pad. She waited patiently for him to continue.

"No wonder my life has been Hell...I deserve it because I'm a fucking screw up."

"Why do you feel that way?"

AJ eyed Jeanie. "Because nothing has gone right in my life."

"What about your career? Isn't this what you wanted?"

"Yeah, sure it is. But it's also got it's downsides. Everyones' got all these expectations that they expect Alexander to live up to, and when Alexander isn't a perfect saint like they expect, and when he doesn't live up to their expectations, then he's a failure to them. Well I'm so fucking sorry that I'm a screw up!"

"Who do you expect thinks of you as a failure?"

"Everyone. Everyone who knows me. My mom, the fellas, management, our record label, probably our whole freaking fan base."

"I'm sure they don't think of you as a failure. Everyone makes mistakes, AJ."

"Yeah, well...I tend to make a Hell of a lot more then your average every day person. For Christ's sake, I became an alcoholic! How much lower can you go? I abused alcohol! I was an asshole! Nobody wanted to be around me!"

"And what did you do about your alcohol problem?"

"Went to rehab."

"To get help, right?"

"Yeah..."

"And why's that?"

"Because I was an alcoholic and I couldn't deal with my problem on my own!"

"How'd you go about getting help? I mean, how'd you end up getting into rehab?"

"I admitted to the fellas that I had a problem, and poof! Rehab, here I come!"

"Why do you think the fellas helped you?"

"Because they were ashamed that I was such a failure and they felt sorry for me. Hell, I don't know."

"Do you really mean that?"

"I don't know..."

"AJ..."

"I don't know-"

Jeanie sighed. "You need to think about it, AJ. Do you honestly think they helped you just because they were ashamed that you were quote-unquote a "failure", or maybe it's because they actually care about you?"

AJ crossed his arms over his chest as he bit down on his bottom lip, looking off to the side of the room. "Yeah, I guess..." he answered quietly.

"So, one of your biggest issues is you feel like you're a big screw up and everyone looks down on you because of that?"

"Pretty much..." AJ nodded. "Ya know, I don't try to screw up like I have. I wanna make everyone proud. I try to do right, but somehow...in the end, I always end up screwing up. I screw everything up. It's like I'm damned to make mistakes wherever I go-"

"You're only human. Part of life is making mistakes."

"But when your whole existance feels like one big mistake...is that part of life too?"

"What do you mean?"

"Sometimes I don't even know what I mean," AJ shrugged.

"Try to explain. The more explanations you give, the better I can understand. so, take your time."

"Are your parents divorced?" AJ suddenly asked, locking gazes with Jeanie.

"No, they've been happily married for going on twenty-nine years," Jeanie answered. "Why?"

"You're lucky. I never knew my dad. He and my mom divorced when I was really little and my mom raised me with the help of my grandparents."

"Do you think that's affected you in some ways?"

"Yeah, I hate my dad for how much he hurt my mom. He didn't do shit to try to be a part of my life. That is until I became a "Backstreet Boy". Then I guess dad thought he could jump right in and be a part of my life. Well, fuck him! I hate him! He's an asshole...I'll never forgive him for leaving..."

"AJ, I'm sorry about that..."

AJ shrugged it off as his eyebrows furled. "My mom and I don't need him. We haven't needed him since the moment he left."

"I'm guessing you and your mom are extremely close?"

AJ nodded. "She raised me. She's the number one woman in my life. I couldn't survive without her."

"You should feel lucky that you have a mother who loves you so much."

"I do feel lucky...but..."

"But?"

"I really hate myself for all the stuff I've put her through over the years."

"But she loves you regardless."

"Does she?" AJ scuffed.

"Keep going..."

"I don't know how she's put up with me. I've let her down in every way imaginable. I've failed with everything I promised I would succeed."

"Your career-"

"Hell, there are times I even think I've failed at that."

"Continue."

"I would do anything to make her proud of me. I mean, sometimes I wonder if she ever really is? And, I vowed not to go through the same thing my mom went through with my dad. I promised myself that I would find the one woman I truly loved and I would never make her go through the same thing that my dad made my mom go through."

"Haven't had much luck in that area?"

AJ scuffed and rolled his eyes. "I've had my share of girlfriends, and yeah, I like to have a good time. Who doesn't? But each time I start getting really close to a girl, it all blows up in my face. Then with Sarah-"

"Who's Sarah?"

"My ex-fiance..."

"Ok."

"I swore to God that Sarah was the one. I just had this feeling about her. She was so...I don't know how to explain it. She made me feel good. I cared alot about her and I loved her so much. I guess that's why I chose to propose to her. I really thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her."

"And?"

"Once again it blew up in my face. A couple months before the wedding was supposed to take place, Sarah broke the engagement off. Didn't even bother to give an explanation. Just took the ring off her finger and placed it in my hand, saying she couldn't go through with the wedding. Then she left."

Jeanie nodded and scribbled a few words on the legal pad. She looked up to see that AJ was staring down at his hands, twisting a few rings that he wore on his fingers. His facial features were contorted into a look of pain, but somehow Jeanie figured it wasn't coming from his knee injury. "How long ago did that happen?" she asked, tapping her pen quietly against the pad.

"About four months ago..."

"You really loved her?"

"Thought I did..."

"I understand how you feel. It hurts alot."

"You're telling me."

"Now, what about that phone call, if you don't mind talking about it?"

"That was Jaymee, and...she hates me now," AJ shrugged, his heart slowly dying out. He'd some how managed to screw up again. He still didn't know what he'd done to get Jameelah so angry with him, but one thing he did know for sure was that she hated him with a passion. Or so it sure sounded like it over the phone.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I somehow managed to screw up and piss her off. Funny thing is, I still have no clue as to what it is I did that got her angry with me in the first place. But go figure. Like I said, I'm a screw up. I shouldn't be surprised." AJ let got of a small sarcastic laugh as he shook his head and rubbed at his temples. "I'm probably just too damn ignorant to realize what it is I did. Great going, AJ! You fucked up again!"

"How long have you known Jaymee?" Jeanie winced from AJ's verbal abuse against himself. She knew that was one of his problems, he was too hard on himself with some things. Jeanie scribbled a few more notes, not taking her eyes off AJ.

AJ looked thoughtful for a moment. "Two weeks, maybe? I met her when we were in New York. Got her phone number the night I met her, hung out with her the next day, and I told her I'd keep in touch when I left. Funny thing is, I really meant it when I said I wanted to keep in touch with her. I actually liked her. But that just shows what I am."

"What's that?"

"A fool."

"Why-"

"Because I'm a fucking screw up! How many times do I need to say that?"

"Enough so that you get it out of your system. You need to realize that every little mistake you make does not mean you are a screw up, AJ," Jeanie answered, shifting in her seat. She would have thought that this hotel would have had more comfortable chairs then what they actually provided. "Life is full of mistakes. You live and you learn. But you can't live your life thinking that you're a screw up or you're a failure because you've had your fair share of mistakes. It's unfair to yourself and it won't make your life any easier."

'My life never has been easy' AJ thought.

"So, where did you meet Jaymee?"

"On a bridge."

"A bridge? That's an interesting place to meet someone."

'If only you knew...' AJ thought again, but nodded his head in agreement. "Yeah. I had gone for a walk that night and ended up on that bridge. Then she just happened to come along." He reached over to his nightstand and grabbed hold of the pack of cigarettes and his lighter. He knew, of course, that this was a non-smoking room, but personally he didn't care about following those rules at the moment and he couldn't very well go out to the balcony for a smoke. So he figured he'd smoke a few cigs, spray a bit of air-freshener around the room and no-one needed to know. "Cig?" he asked, offering one to Jeanie.

"No thank-you, I don't smoke," Jeanie politely declined, shaking her head.

"Do you mind then?"

"No, go right ahead." Jeanie watched in silence as AJ stuck the cigarette between his lips and raised the lighter. "AJ, I would like to discuss your suicide attempt," she spoke up slowly, trying to think of the best way to word the prompt. AJ froze mid-way in lighting his cigarette, looking sideways at Jeanie. His face paled greatly as if all the blood had drained from his face and he gulped, the breath catching in his throat. "That is...if you are willing to talk about it right now...?"

AJ felt the nervousness creep over him. He was dreading this moment, knowing sooner or later his therapist would bring it up, and knowing that sooner or later he would have to talk about it. After all, it was the attempt that caused him to have to meet with a therapist in the first place. He struggled to swallow, his throat feeling dry and scratchy all of a sudden, the cigarette falling from his lips and landing in his lap.

"If you don't want to talk about it today, we can wait," Jeanie told him, careful not to rush into the subject too quickly.

"I..." AJ found himself struggling to talk. He bit down on his bottom and looked down at his hands for a few moments. His voice kept catching in his throat. "I'll talk," he finally answered, his voice quiet and wavering.

"If you don't feel comfortable-"

"No, I want to talk about it." AJ cut Jeanie off, his voice confident and direct this time.

AJ still didn't look so sure about his answer, but Jeanie chose to believe him as she sat back in her seat. "Could you tell me why you decided to try and take your life?"

"Why?"

"Yeah."

"Every day problems I guess..." AJ bit down on his bottom lip again, trying to gather his thoughts in a way that would actually make sense when he spoke them. "Fights with the fellas, disagreements, my mistakes. I feel like a general fuck up and no one likes me."

"What makes you feel like that?"

"Everyone. I mean, of course they don't come out and say it, but it's the little things, ya know? 'AJ, stop doing that!', 'AJ! Why won't you ever listen?!', 'AJ, stop messing around and pay attention!', 'Good going AJ. You messed up, again.'. Basically makes me feel like shit at the end of the day."

"Have you tried speaking to everyone about how you feel?"

"Yeah, but it really doesn't make a difference, because they don't realize they're doing it. Sometimes I don't blame them for yelling at me, but it gets old after a while. I know of my mistakes, yet they keep repeating it over and over. And damn Kevin, I swear he bitches about the littles things. It doesn't take much to piss the guy off and I always tend to succeed in doing so on a daily basis. It never fails."

"He's hard to get along with?"

"He can be."

"Everyone knows somebody like that."

"It just gets so bad that sometimes I don't even want to talk to them. I just want to go away and not speak to them or even see them. I never feel like I get anything positive from anyone. And even if I do, it doesn't register in my brain anymore. It's like it goes in one ear and out the other, not bothering to stay. Positive comments don't stick with me anymore, it only seems like the negative ones stick. And life really starts to suck when on a day to day basis you find yourself wondering when you're going to fuck up next. It gets annoying."

"How long have you felt like this?"

"Seems like forever..."

"I see."

"Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a little kid, void of making any mistakes and live an innocent life."

"Everyone feels that way at one time or another."

"I've had my share of problems in life, and really, I have tried so hard to put my life together and get it on the right track. I haven't meant to screw up so badly. But it never seems like anything I do helps or matters. I've never had luck in the dating department, I became an alcoholic and got sent to rehab, I met Sarah and thought, truly thought that I had found the one to make my life complete, then she crushed my heart when she left. And I seem to make mistakes at every turn. I don't know...a lot of the time I feel like I'm just in everyone's way. It doesn't feel like anyone ever wants me around and I hate to see them in pain because of the things I've done or caused. I'm sick and tired of feeling like a waste of space in this world...so...I just...wanted to get rid of myself. By doing so I thought I would be doing everyone a favor. It's the times when I've screwed up so badly, when someone's angry with me, that I just don't want to live anymore."

"How often do you feel this way, or this badly?"

"Most of the time."

"Most of the time?"

AJ nodded.

"AJ...is this one of those times?"

"Yeah...it is."