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Chapter 30: It's Not That Easy

Jenny entered the kitchen in a brisk manner, not surprised to find Jameelah rummaging through one of the many cupboards. Afterall, it had been Jenny's guess that this would be where she would find her friend since Jameelah had hightailed it from the living-room after throwing the phone down on AJ. Jameelah didn't turn around for a greeting and Jenny's second guess was that she hadn't even heard her walk in. But beside all of that, Jenny continued walking until she found herself at her friend's side, where she casually leaned her back against the counter. She flipped her raven hair behind her shoulder and folded her arms across her chest, waiting for Jameelah to pause and say anything, one word, but all Jenny recieved was silence. "Maybe you oughta slow down there a little bit," she finally spoke, breaking the thick silence that had blanketed the kitchen after realizing that if she didn't initiate the conversation, neither would be saying a word.

"What do you mean?" Jameelah asked, her tone coated with distraction. But when Jenny read further into it, she could hear it coated with many other things. Jameelah pushed a few boxes on the first shelf aside, scowling when she didn't find what she had been looking for and moving onto the second shelf. She seemed to ignore her friend's presence in a less then friendly manner and the irritation it caused grew mirrored in Jenny's eyes.

"I think you know what I mean," Jenny threw back.

"I know that I'm hungry."

"Jaymes..."

For a mere moment, Jameelah paused, hand still stretched and gazed at her friend with impatience scrawled across her face. "I need to eat something or I will get sick. You know that," she finally answered and immediately turned her gaze away again.

Jenny rolled her eyes. "But that's not what I'm talking about."

"Well I know what you are talking about and it's not something I care to discuss at the moment."

"Maybe that's what your problem is."

Jameelah bit down on her bottom lip. "I don't have a problem and if I did, it's nothing you need to be worrying about." She withdrew her hand from the cupboard, turning up empty handed. She took a quick glance at her watch and found herself frowning in disgust; so much for having a fairly decent and relaxing lunch break at home. Half the time was spent on the phone arguing with AJ, which even though she wasn't ready to admit, was beginning to cause a tinge of guilt to form in the pit of her stomach. The other half was now spent being interrogated by her closest friend whom Jameelah expected would have been the first to understand and not press the matter further.

But Jenny wasn't quite ready to abandon the obvious issue at hand. Jameelah had one of the worst stubborn streaks that Jenny had ever come across. Her friend had the habit of ignoring her problems and hoping that they would eventually just go away. She kept her mouth shut and would rather not speak her mind in fear of upsetting the wrong person. Jenny, on the other hand, was Jameelah's polar opposite when it came to that matter. Which in some instances led to Jenny getting into a few binds. But that was Jenny's nature and it suited her just fine. "Ok," she finally shrugged. "...So...why are you so mad at him?"

Jameelah sighed again, something she had seemed to be doing alot of lately. "Do you ever give up?"

Jenny considered the question thoughtfully. "I don't know. Do I?"

"Him who?" Jameelah asked, knowing all too well who 'he' was that Jenny was referring to. But Jenny couldn't blame her for not wanting to discuss it though.

"AJ of course," Jenny answered, her dark eyebrows raising slightly. "C'mon Jaymes. It's only obvious that that phone conversation was far less then a friendly one, and don't get me wrong, but I'm guessing that was more so on your part. He calls, you yell at him, and then pretty much hang up on him. Which is what you have been doing these past few times he's called. I mean, you just met him weeks ago and he's already on your shit list? He must be an asshole then."

"He not..." Jameelah mumbled.

"I'm sorry?"

"I said he's not! And why is this of any interest to you?"

"Because you usually have more of a kind heart towards people you meet. And now since you're being persued by some kind of celebrity, a pop star to say the least-"

Jameelah's eyes set into a glare. "That was pretty low to say, Jen. His celebrity status couldn't possibly mean anything less to me. He could be the milk man's son for all I care and it wouldn't make a difference!"

"Then why the Hell are you so pissed off at him? One moment you can't stop talking about him and the next you can't stand to hear his name!"

"It's nothing you need to be worrying about," Jameelah gritted, stepping past her friend and striding over to the refridgerator quickly. She swung the door open and immediately buried her head inside, anything to keep from having to continue the conversation.

But Jenny was once again at her side, her eyebrows furled with frustration. "And you say I'm the one who's low?" she scuffed.

"I said you don't need to be worrying about it-"

Jenny gripped Jameelah's arm and pulled her from the fridge. "Sonny can't touch you anymore."

The can of apple juice held in Jameelah's hand nearly clattered to the floor as she spun around to stare at her friend in shock. "What does that have to do with anything?" she whispered, yanking her arm back. God, Jenny actually had the nerve to dig up the one terrible thing that Jameelah so desperately wanted to forget about the most.

Jenny stepped back. "I've been your best friend since we were seven. I've learned a thing or two about how you are since then," she explained, trying to offer a look of apology. She could tell by Jameelah's expression that she wasn't accepting it. "I was there when Sonny was around and I witnessed the things he did to you. You were afraid of him then and you're still afraid of him now. You can't tell me you're not, because I can see it in your eyes. And you know what will happen if Sonny tries to do anything to you now. He hasn't come around you since-"

"You have some nerve."

"AJ isn't Sonny, Jaymee!"

"I never said he was!" Jameelah yelled, causing her voice to crack as she slammed the can onto the counter top.

"Then why are you so afraid to befriend AJ?"

"I'm not afraid to befriend him! He's a normal person, and he seems like a really great guy. But he doesn't need me in his life. I'm just another girl he happened upon one night; I'm not the first and I certainly won't be the last one. I don't need to drag him down when he's already busy enough with his hectic lifestyle as it is. He doesn't need me around to burden his life."

Jenny shook her head. "Do you even realize how foolish that just sounded? Not to mention that not even one word made any bit of sense. Jameelah, please, don't get me wrong, because I'm not trying to gang up on you. You're my best friend and I care about you-"

"Then leave well enough alone!"

"And watch you ruin a chance for a potentially good male friendship? Something you've been lacking and need. I'm sorry, but this isn't something I'm gonna choose to keep my mouth shut and not speak my mind about. I always told you how I felt about Sonny, but you told me I was being stupid, so I respected how you felt and kept my mouth shut. I don't know AJ, and really, you barely know him. But in all honesty, I think you're making a major mistake, Jaymee. I'm not saying that because he's some big shot celebrity and you could profit just by being associated with him. What I am saying is that maybe you need to try working on putting your jaded memories behind you, leave them in your past where they belong, and start working on building new relationships with people. Not every guy is like Sonny, and maybe you would see that if you gave AJ a chance. You just met AJ, so stop avoiding him and pushing him away from you like you have been. 'Cause you just may be missing out on a good friendship."

"I need to leave or I'm going to be late getting back to work," Jameelah said, ignoring Jenny's 'speech' as if entirely and turning around to leave.

"Jaymee-"

"Benny's having his first chemotherapy treatment today and I promised I would be there for that so he wouldn't be scared," she answered softly, her voice faltering over every few words. "I'll be late if I don't leave now."

"You can't just ignore this, Jaymee."

"I have to leave."

"He at least deserves a civilized phone call."

"Just leave things alone, Jenny. I'll take care of it myself."

"But you're doing it in the wrong way though..." Jenny replied quietly as her friend disapppeared from the kitchen.

*****

AJ felt his muscles tense from where he slouched in a chair next to the eating table in his therapist's hotel room, drumming the fingers on his left hand absentmindedly atop the surface while his eyes stared fixatedly upon an unnamed point on the opposite wall. To his right his mother sat in an identical chair and his therapist sat across from them, the two women indulged in a deep discussion. AJ, however, wasn't listening to a single word they were saying. It was another one of those in one ear and out the other type of situations. Inside he was wishing with all his might that the session would end quickly. He couldn't even remember how much time had passed since the session had begun which only made the dial on his watch seem to tick slower.

The others had long since left the hotel to venture over to the arena for the afternoon's pre-concert checks and rehersal; Nick had stopped by AJ's hotel room five minutes before departing to instruct AJ it was time to head down to the bus, the others were waiting, and there would be fans to pass through in the lobby. AJ had wanted badly to jump up and leave when his bandmates did, but unwillingly reminded Nick that he would be staying behind that afternoon because of the therapy session scheduled to take place with his mother and he would join up with them at the arena in a few hours. Nick nodded, bid a quick farewell, and hurried away. Brian flew by the door two seconds later before AJ even had a chance to close it and noticed the cheerful wave offered just in time before the Kentuckian disappeared. AJ shut the door and for a half an hour after that he was left in silence. Then his mother came knocking and shortly after, his therapist, Jeanie.

Now sitting admist the jumbled conversation, AJ was wishing for the silence to come and blanket the room once again. One moment he hated the silence, the next moment he was wishing for it. AJ had every reason to wish for it this time. He would have rather been anywhere else but where he was sitting. Everything just felt so...odd right then. Every so often Denise would look over in his direction, eyes masked with a sense of concern or wonder and AJ would perk his eyes to make it seem as if he were paying attention to every detail of every word that was being said. But he couldn't ignore the fact of how damn uncomfortable he was feeling, growing even more nervous with each glance he recieved from his mother. The more the seconds ticked by, the longer the minutes dragged on, the more AJ began to long for an escape. And he felt horrible for feeling such. Each word spoken made him think of how there shouldn't have been a need for this. He shouldn't be in the position he found himself in. Right along with such thoughts, though, was the constant reminder that he had noone to blame but himself. He was the one who made the wrong decisions, he was the one who acted like a coward, and he was the one who put his mother through so much undeserved turmoil.

His mother.

The one person who had stuck by him the longest. Even with all AJ had managed to put his mother through over the years, not once had Denise abandoned him and left him to fend for himself when he was in trouble. She had always come running to his aid and AJ knew she always would. It made AJ sick just thinking about it. He didn't understand sometimes how his mother could stand so devoted by his side when AJ had done many stupid things that surely, in his mind, would have disappointed her beyond all means. How could it not have disappointed her when AJ was left disappointed in himself? It was a type of love only a mother could understand and give, he remembered his mother explaining to him years prior when AJ had had a fall out and was going through a rough patch. He couldn't deny his mother's reasoning to that and just her words were always enough to sooth his fears and lay him calm.

AJ never wanted to think of how lost he would be without his mother.

Jeanie was now staring in his direction, her mouth moving but AJ couldn't hear her words. Stealing a glance at his mother, AJ could see her nodding and he looked back at his therapist, unsure whether the conversation was now being directed at him. So he opted to nod his head also in hopes that he wouldn't be caught in the act of not paying attention. Something that had gotten him in quite a load of trouble over the years. For a moment his action seemed to have work, but Jeanie's eyebrows slowly arched in a questioning manner.

"Is that a yes, AJ?" Jeanie's voice was crystal clear and crisp, sounding as if she had only been on 'mute' the entire time and someone had suddenly hit the switch.

AJ found himself stumped. Is that a yes to what? Damn his short attention span when it came to things. He could answer 'yes' and find himself in a tough spot, or he could answer 'no' and still find himself in a tough spot. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. "Uh...yeah," he finally answered, glancing back and forth as casually as possible. "I mean, no," he blurted seconds later, biting down on his bottom lip with embarrassment. "I'm sorry...could you repeat what you were saying?"

"I was suggesting that we move onto more deeper pressing matters," Jeanie repeated, "But I'm willing to guess you were off in your own little world, or rather have been for quite a while."

Shit! "Yeah, I must have been spacing a little. Sorry..." AJ sunk down a little further in his seat, feeling the heat of the amused grin that passed over his mother. His cheeks grew tinted. "Guess I still have a load on my mind, ya know? And you guys seemed to be in a rather deep conversation. I figured I shouldn't interrupt. Didn't see the need to piss anyone off today-"

"Alex," Denise interrupted.

"What?"

"You're rambling."

"Oh, yeah. Anyway, sorry."

"We all have our moments," Jeanie replied, reaching for the glass of ice water seated next to her and taking a long sip. "But now that we have your attention again, I was hoping we could move onto the discussion of other matters."

"Yeah, like what?"

"Well, I've been wondering how your relationship with your bandmates has been since our session yesterday."

AJ began to chew at his inner cheek; was that really a necessary question to ask? He guessed it had to be part of her job as his therapist to press into such information and get such details if she were going to be able to help him. Didn't mean he had to like answering it. He really didn't feel pleased at having to discuss the fact that he may have hurt the feelings of someone close to him. "In all honesty?" he forced out, focusing on a small section of the elegant carpeting at his feet.

"Yes."

"Kevin and I are no longer talking."

"I'm sorry?" Jeanie tried to clarify, unsure if she had heard AJ correctly. "Do you mean you just haven't had the chance to talk to him or-"

"Yes and no," AJ shrugged. "I overheard him talking to his wife on the phone last night in the dressing room at the arena we were performing at. He thinks I hate him because of everything I said. I tried speaking with him but he wouldn't have it. Then I accidently bumped into him on the bus this morning and he wouldn't say a word. He just sorta...glared. Like he was hurt, but angry at the same time."

"And what do you think about it?"

"I think he hates me."

"Why's that?"

"Ah, because of everything I said. I sort of left everyone else alone and ganged up on him the whole time. I guess I don't really blame him for hating me. I shouldn't have acted so harsh towards him. He didn't deserve that."

"And no chance has been presented for you to be able to tell him about what you're thinking now?"

"Nope. He won't give me the chance to talk to him. It's kinda like he's avoiding me."

"You didn't tell me the two of you were having problems," Denise intercepted the conversation, locking her gaze directly onto her son.

"I didn't think there was a need to."

"I could have tried to help."

"It's not your problem."

"Well I'd hate to see you fighting with a close friend."

"We're not fighting. Just having communcation problems. That would be the right way to put it. Just ask my therapist. I think it would be called theraputic termanology?"

"And I think you are being a bit sarcastic at the moment," Jeanie answered, raising an eyebrow.

"Alex can tend to be that way quite often," Denise replied.

"Born to be sarcastic. What can I say."

"AJ, you and I discussed what has been going on with you lately the other day. And if you don't mind, I think it would be highly helpful if we took the time right now to talk about that with your mother. That way everything gets put into the open and your mother will have a better idea about how you've been feeling. She was telling me that she hadn't suspected-"

And there it was. The one moment AJ had been dreading the most. He expected it to be brought up sooner or later, but he hadn't really thought about how he would react or what he would say. He didn't want to have to spill every thought in his head or have to put his mother through his detailed drama, because AJ knew she would end up blaming herself in one way or another. He dreaded having the conversation.

"If you don't feel comfortable with the idea, we can leave it until a little later. But I do suggest we get it out into the open as it will make things easier-"

AJ sighed under his breath, picking at the chain bracelet he was wearing on his right wrist. "There's no use in holding it back, right?" he asked no one in paticular. "So, uh..."

"Just start with where you started the other day."

"Oh about where I think I'm a screw up?"

Jeanie winced. "Very well."

"Yeah, I think I'm a screw up. It's gotta be obvious, because Hell, I'm always making mistakes, people are always pissed off at me, I'm always fucking things up when it comes to relationships..."

"And what has been making you feel like this lately?"

"Alot of things. Let's see, I haven't been getting along with the fellas very well, things in my life seem to be falling apart and I just haven't been feeling like myself lately. Been feeling pretty shitty, actually..."

"How come you didn't talk to anyone about this?" Denise asked. "You could have talked to me. You know that."

"I don't find a need in bothering you with my problems."

"It becomes a problem when you don't talk to me about it. And you've found that out."

"But it's not your problem. You have enough to deal with as it is."

"But you're my son and I'm obligated to be there for you."

"Yeah, I know. But I've given you enough trouble as it is."

Jeanie cut in. "You're saying you don't think your mother has the right to know what's going on?"

"She has a right to know," AJ answered, "But there needs to be a limit."

"And where do you think that limit needs to be?"

"I honestly don't know..."

"Whatever happened to being able to talk to me so easily?" Denise questioned as she straightened in her chair and turned towards AJ. "I liked to think that you had no problem coming to me with what was going on in your life."

"Some things change I guess."

"Do you feel like you may have communication problems with your mother?"

AJ scuffed. "Commucation problems with my mother..."

"Be serious, Alex."

AJ side glanced at his mother with a deadpan expression. "Be serious?" he questioned in a quiet voice. "That's what everyone's always saying to me, huh? Be serious, AJ. Be serious. Well screw that. I'm tired of being serious all the time. And so sorry that I can't find it in myself to be completely serious right now, because to tell you the truth, I'm finding it very hard to be sitting here right now having to go through this damn session. And you wanna know why? Huh? It's because I can't handle sitting here watching you being in so much pain from all of the damn mistakes I've made. It hurts me to see you so upset because I'm such a damn disappointment."

"Alexander, you are not a disappointment," Denise whispered in shock.

"I knew this was a bad idea," AJ replied, standing up from his seat and reaching for his crutches. He bit down on his bottom lip as he balanced his weight upon them for a moment. "I'm sorry, but I don't wanna do this right now. I gotta go. I just can't do this right now. Mom, I'm sorry." AJ exhaled a deep breath of air before manuevering around his chair and making a quick exit out the door, ignoring the call from his therapist to come back.