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Chapter 31: One Way or Another

"I tell ya... The quicker this upcoming vacation we get approaches, the more I am almost able to taste it!" Nick boasted freely upon collapsing into one of the dingy couches that were placed against the cold cement walls of the room specifically set aside for the use of the group, their stage crew and entire concert team, in addition to any management personnal in service to the group. Completely catered professionally to the groups' liking, it offered them a chance to sit back and relax normally pre and post concert. The dull, stuffy, and not to mention small and cramped, dressing rooms grew rather old after awhile, and this way, everyone was able to sit back with enough space so as noone was invading their personal bubble.

Brian, who had previously been chugging hungrily on an ice cold bottled water, paused with the bottle at his pursed lips. He curiously raised a light eyebrow. "Didn't know you could taste vacations," he snickered and allowed more of the cool liquid to flow down his parched throat. "I always figured it was more like a feeling...not a taste."

"Yeah, well, whatever," Nick shrugged, ignoring the humor Brian was currently stealing at his expense on instinct. He sighed, feeling completely content where he sat. Nick let his arms dangle freely at his sides as he leaned further back into the cushions and closed his eyes. "I can just see it now..." he continued seconds later, a lazy grin curling his lips. "Sandy beaches, cool ocean water, under the sun with my baby. Ah, paradise!"

Howie, who had just happened to walk through the door the moment the blonde was making his last statement, groaned and rolled his eyes at the look on Nick's face. "Mind sparing all of us the details of your sexual fantasies?" he quipped, quickly catching the bottle of water Brian tossed in his direction.

Nick's eyes snapped open and for a moment he looked highly offended. "Dude, I was talking about my boat!" he shot back, sitting up and staring at the latino in disbelief.

"We can never be too safe when it comes to the actual meaning of what you say," Howie replied and headed straight for the buffet table.

"Yeah, you can't. But that's all because you're sexually frustrated. It's alright, D. Really, we understand."

Brian spit his water out, sending a spray of liquid across the floor.

"You're right, Nick. That's exactly it. I'm sexually frustrated," Howie answered, the sarcasm dripping from his voice. He reached for a paper plate and began to shovel a variety of food upon it. The fact that he had eaten pretty much nothing the whole day was making his stomach growl angrily and nausea was beginning to set in.

"As a matter of fact, you're also in denial," Nick added.

"Grow up, Nick," Howie mumbled.

"De-nial!"

"Ok, how am I in denial? Someone please tell me..." He dropped his plate of food on the table and turned around to glare at the blonde.

"Yes..you are," Nick pressed further, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. "You want someone and I wanna know who it is."

"Jeanie," Brian coughed into his hand.

"That's rediculous," Howie scoffed, looking in Brian's direction and shooting him an even darker glare.

Nick's facial features contorted and he scrunched his nose in disgust. "Ew....you've got the hots for AJ's therapist? That's fucking sick man."

"No, I do not. And even if I did..."

"She's his therapist...don't you think AJ would throw a fit if he knew?"

"He does know," Brian answered before Howie could speak.

"No shit?" Nick looked at the Kentuckian.

"It was just breakfast," Howie argued, noting to strangle Brian later. "That's it...and yes...AJ knew about it. You think I would go off with her and not tell him about it? Nick, man, what do you take me for? An idiot?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?" Nick snickered.

"Go ahead and say what you have to say..."

"A sexually frustrated idiot who wishes he could get laid by his best friend's therapist. I think maybe it's you who needs the therapy, Howie."

Howie threw his hands in the air to signal defeat to the conversation. He made a second note to strangle Nick also and turned back to the buffet table. "You believe whatever you wanna believe," he answered.

"That usually means that you secretly agree."

"Whatever. It was just breakfast. Breakfast doesn't mean anything. It's just breakfast. Eating food." Yeah, that seemed to silence the younger one up; the laughing that only seemed to erupt made Howie speed up his pace and want to get out of there all the quicker. Of course his stuttering would egg the blonde on further. It would probably bring him joy to hear how Howie had made a fool of himself during the breakfast, but too damn bad he wasn't going to tell them. Especially not Nick. 'Crap, AJ!' Howie grimaced, knowing he needed to confront his friend soon and make him swear to keep a pact of silence over the subject. Man, just Howie's luck...

Denise chose to enter the room at that moment, causing Nick's banter to come to a screeching halt. He smiled innocently as Brian offered a polite hello and AJ's mom returned both. "It's only the three of you in here?" she asked, clearly expecting her son and Kevin to be in the room, both devouring the food. She'd also expected some of the stage personnal to be present, but remembered that it was still a busy mess backstage as the concert had ended not too long before. "Where's AJ and Kevin?"

Brian shrugged. "I couldn't tell ya for sure. Both bolted right after we got done with the last number," he explained, finally standing up to join Howie at the buffet table. The food was looking all too inviting. "Uh, I think Kev probably headed out to the bus already and J...you could check the dressing room. Seemed that was the direction he was heading in."

"I see..." Denise trailed, grabbing the plate Howie offered her. "I was really hoping to be able to talk to your cousin tonight," she added towards the Kentuckian. "I've heard he and my son have had another falling out I guess you could say."

"Yeah, they haven't said a word to each other," Brian answered. "You can try speakin' to Kev about it, but I don't know how much good it will do. I attempted to earlier and he brushed me off. He hasn't really spoken to anyone since yesterday."

"Well, when you see him, tell him I would like to talk to him tomorrow."

"I'm heading out to the bus myself right now. I'll let him know for you, if you want?" Howie offered.

"That'd be great," Denise replied. "Thanks."

"Sure thing." Howie turned around and headed for the door in search of his body guard to escort him out to the tour bus, but not before sending a quick deliberate kick to Nick's shins.

*****

AJ slammed the door to the dressing room shut with one of his crutches and hobbled over to the nearest chair and collapsed onto it. Much to his luck, he found that his duffle bag lay abandoned on the floor only a few inches away and he used the tip of his shoe to drag it over. He shuffled the clothes around inside for several seconds before retrieving a white towel and black wife beater. Knowing he would have to wait quite awhile before having access to a good, relaxing shower, AJ proceeded to wipe the sweat away from his damp skin to the best of his ability and replaced the shirt he'd worn for the last number with the wife beater. Someone had brought the mini fan in from the bus and had left it running for the duration of the concert, so the cool air that was circulating around the room felt good against AJ's bare shoulders.

AJ felt relief in knowing that the night's concert was finally over. It surprised him that it hadn't been a total disaster with all that had happened. From the moment AJ stepped on stage with the others, he wished it was already over. He just wasn't feeling it that night. It hadn't helped much that the air on stage was tense and AJ was already having a hard enough time as it was performing with his crutches. Only a few more days and he could get rid of them. Hopefully the stupid brace he was forced to wear also. AJ had lost count of how many times he'd slipped up during their performance, but worst of all was the fact of how tense it had been between him and Kevin. Sadly, the others could see it also. Could the fans?

Several times when AJ had crossed paths with Kevin, the oldest member of the group merely paused for a second, eyes narrowed and looked ready to pounce on AJ as if it were all part of the show. He could only wonder what was traveling through Kevin's mind during those moments, because it was obvious he wasn't thinking about the concert. But knowing better then to push any limits, AJ made sure he kept clear of Kevin's territory to further prevent any confrontations. It made AJ want to speak with Kevin even more, though. How much worse could he possibly feel about the situation?

Sometime throughout the duration of the concert, AJ made the decision that he was going to, by all means, have a few words with Kevin backstage afterwards. Even if that meant AJ had to back Kevin into a corner away from everyone or lock themselves in the dressing room, they were gonna talk. Unfortunately, as soon as they'd run off stage, Kevin bolted in one direction without so much as a word to anyone, but motioning to his body guard to follow him. Seeing that his chance to speak was gone, AJ headed in the opposite direction of his remaining bandmates and found himself treading upon their dressing room.

Hell, now he just felt like being alone. The sooner they got back to the hotel, the sooner AJ would be able to take a shower, crawl into bed, and forget about that night. Then he could start worrying the next day when he wasn't so exhausted about how he was going to fix the barrier he had somehow managed to create and put up between him and Kevin.

"Hungry?"

AJ jumped in his chair with a small yelp and twisted around to find his mother now standing next to him, arm outstretched and offering him a full plate of food. He hadn't even heard her walk into the room, but he took the plate with greatfulness etched across his face. "You scared the shit out of me," he replied, actually realizing for the first time that night that he was starving. His mother knew him all too well when it came to that and she knew just what to put on his plate. But he didn't make a move to touch any of the food. Instead, AJ found himself looking back up at his mother in wonder. He hadn't even realized that she'd come to the concert. After abruptly leaving his therapist's room earlier that day, he hadn't spoken to her, let alone cross her path. AJ was beginning to feel horrible all over again.

"You seemed to be off in your own little world there for a while," Denise stated, pulling up a chair and taking a seat next to her son.

"How long were you standing there?" AJ asked with curiousity.

"Several minutes," she answered thoughtfully, "And for a moment I contemplated whether or not I should just leave you be because I didn't want to bother you. But you need to eat, so I stayed."

"Thanks." AJ offered his mother a lopsided grin, but it was uncomfortable to give. He was starting to feel that tense air between the two of them forming and he was almost tempted to say that he did want to be alone for a while, when in reality, he really wanted to start apologizing profusely to his mother for his rudeness earlier. God, he knew how worried she had been when he left so quickly; her concerned stare pierced daggers into his back as he'd walked out the door. And AJ could still see that same look residing in his mother's eyes, behind the mask of happiness she was presenting to him at the moment. "Listen, Mom...about earlier..."

"You don't need to apologize," Denise immediately interrupted her son. She leaned forward in her seat and clasped her hands tightly together. "I'm just worried about you though, Alex," she continued seconds later, her forehead creasing with the beginning signs of anxiety. "I'm worried because you won't open up and talk to me. You're afraid to tell me what's on your mind and that saddens me because I want nothing more then to be there for my son and love him. Yet he's afraid of what I may think..."

"I'm not afraid," AJ whispered, breaking his gaze away from his mother's.

"Then why won't you talk to me? Honey, I won't judge you for what you have to say," Denise replied, forcing AJ to look at her once more. He was trying so hard not to look at her, but at the same time, his gaze was glued. Denise's heart broke for her son; he looked so...troubled and sad with everything. And she couldn't think of a single thing to do about it besides trying to persuade him to open up to her. Something that she seemed to be failing miserably at at the moment. "You used to have no problem coming and talking to me. You would be able to tell me anything, without feeling like you had to hold anything back. But now...I just don't understand why you won't talk to me. I feel as if you're growing distant from me..."

"That's not it at all..." AJ answered, shaking his head and abandoning his "dinner" on the floor at his feet.

"Then what is it?" Denise pressed softly, knowing already that AJ's barriers had begun to deteriorate. His dark eyes giving the answer away without a guess. "Why do you feel as if you can't let me know what's bothering you?"

"I don't want to see you hurting because of me," AJ forced from his mouth, immediately fumbling with the straps on his brace to distract his attention away from his mother.

"Alex, I don't understand..."

"I know how much you've hurt because of me over the years from all of the dumb shit I've done. I've put you through too much and I don't want to put you through anything else," AJ numbly explained, ripping one of the straps away from the velcro. Damn, what he wouldn't do to just throw the thing away and never have to wear it again. Then he suddenly felt his mother's hand gripping his and AJ realized he had unconciously been trying to rip the straps clear of the brace in an angry attempt to keep himself distracted from the present situation. His heart had begun to pound rapidly against his rib cage and that ball was forming in his stomach.

"You've never hurt me," Denise spoke, gripping her son's hand tightly, for one to calm him down, and two to keep him from tearing his knee brace to shreds.

"Yes I have." AJ pulled his hand away in a hasty movement, trying hard to ignore the fact that it surprised his mother enough to cause her to sit back in her seat. He sighed, bowing his head and rubbing the back of his neck. His mother didn't deserve to have to listen to his whining everytime he had a problem, she didn't deserve being put through all of the hardships he'd caused, and she didn't deserve the stress of worrying because her son was such a damn idiot.

"You shouldn't be afraid to cry," Denise answered, frowning. What was his mother talking about? Crying? He wasn't crying. He wasn't going to cry. So why was his vision beginning to blur? Damnit! "Ya know, you can cry in front of me because I'm your mom. There's no guys around, so it won't ruin your manly image and your ego won't be bruised," Denise continued, joking lightly with her son in hopes of brightening his mood.

And it was enough to bring the smallest smile upon AJ's face. "Mom," he groaned, rolling his eyes. His mother was smiling impishly towards him and he bit down on his bottom lip. She always managed to introduce humor into a bad situation and make him feel a little better. Even if it was just a tiny percent. "I wasn't going to cry..."

"But you were."

"I wasn't."

"Don't lie, Alex. I'm a mother and I know these things. It's a natural instinct we have."

"Mom, I love you," AJ blurted, staring deep into Denise's eyes and searching for her acceptance. God, he wanted to apologize to no end, but not knowing where to even really start, he said the first thing that came to his mind. And the fact that he was slowly losing his composure didn't help matters much.

Denise found herself pulling her son into a tight embrace, surprised for once that he didn't pull back and not accept her support. Maybe progress was finally being made. Denise could only hope they were heading in that direction because she couldn't even begin to describe the amount of fear she felt for him. "Sometimes I wonder if you actually realize just how much I love you," Denise spoke quietly, rather glad when AJ finally wrapped his arms around her.

"I'm sorry, Mom," AJ whispered.

"The only thing you have to be sorry for is apologizing so much," Denise replied, rubbing his back in a soothing manner. She was attempting to joke again and it suited AJ just fine. Maybe that was something that had been seriously lacking in his life. Where had his sense of humor gone? AJ figured it had probably gone right down the drain with everything else when the depression moved in. "There are just some things in life that you can't control without having help and you've found that out before," Denise continued when she broke her embrace with AJ. "This is another one of those times and I'm begging you not to deny the help that you're getting. Things won't become any easier if you take the path that doesn't offer help. You're very lucky, Alex, to have friends who care so deeply about you. Friends who would stop at nothing to do whatever it takes so you can feel better. Even if sometimes you have to squint past the darkness just to see it. The ones who truly care will always be there when you come calling for help. Just don't forget that."

Those words struck a pang of guilt in AJ's chest. He knew his mother was right. They had been there for him when others weren't. They had put up with all of his crap and tolerated him when AJ was at a point that he couldn't even tolerate himself. And they had done all they could to help him when he'd had his downfall with the alcohol and depression. Even during the times when AJ couldn't see it, he knew they were always there backing him up and supporting him 100%, despite all of his flaws. Now once again he had come calling for their help and once again they had so willingly given it too him.

"...Maybe you need to just approach him calmly tomorrow and let him know what's exactly on your mind. He'll listen if you go about it the right way," AJ heard his mother say when he finally tuned back into her words. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't ignore the fact that the subject had now been turned onto how him and Kevin weren't communicating on terms.

"I've already tried talking to him," AJ replied, shaking his head in frustration. "He just blows me off. It's pretty much useless when you're talking to a brick wall."

"Alex," Denise scolded, "That's not the way to look at it. Of course it's gonna seem useless when you look at it with that kind of an attitude."

"He won't even give me the chance-"

"Make him give you the chance. Don't let him brush you off. Kevin respects you, Alex, even if you have a hard time believing that. And he'll only respect you more if you show him that you honestly want to resolve whatever petty problem has turned up between the two of you."

"I don't know what to say to him."

"Say what's on your mind."

AJ scuffed. "If you don't remember correctly, saying what was on my mind is what got me in this jam in the first place."

"You know what I mean."

"He won't go for it."

"It can't hurt to try."

"It already-"

"But it all needs to start with you not holding onto so many things," Denise interrupted him, reaching forward and retrieving the plate of food from the floor. She handed it to her son. "You'll start to feel better if you just open up a little. Now eat."

"Not hungry," AJ grumbled, refusing the plate.

Denise raised an eyebrow, unbelieving. "And I'm the Tooth Fairy. You need to eat something, at least a little bit."

"And if I refuse?"

"I'll shovel it all down your throat like I used to do to you when it came to you not wanting to eat your broccoli when you were little."

"You wish, Mom."

"It's true!"

"In your dreams."

Denise scowled. "And you still refuse to eat your broccoli."

AJ grinned. "Of course. But that's only because it bothers the Hell out of you."

"Just eat some of that, alright?" Denise asked as she warily stood up from her chair. "I know you haven't been eating much lately."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." AJ mumbled in return.

"Well, I'll leave you alone now. I figure I might as well head out to the bus and make sure everything is in order there. The others are still in the buffet room, probably. You should go see them. They were giving Howie a hard time when I walked in earlier. You want me to take your duffle?"

"If you wouldn't mind."

Denise reached for the black bag and hoisted it onto her shoulder, then began to make her way over towards the door, faltering under whatever contents the bag held.

"Mom!"

"Yeah, hon?" Denise paused near the doorway, confusion sweeping over her at the sound of urgency in her son's voice.

"We'll talk tomorrow, alright?" AJ answered, "We'll really talk tomorrow. I promise."

"That's what I've been waiting to hear."