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Chapter 33:

Already feeling the minutes beginning to drag on made Jameelah want more then anything to be anywhere else at the moment. Her idea of starting the morning off well had not included sleeping through her alarm, hurrying to get ready while eating something small but proportional enough so that it would coat her stomach until she could take a break for lunch later in the day, then finding herself stuck smack dab in the middle of the morning's rush hour traffic fifteen minutes after crawling out of bed. But that was exactly how her morning had begun and it had sent Jameelah's hope for a decent day spiraling right down the drain. It took twice as long as it normally did to drive the fairly short distance to St. Vincent's hospital where she worked as a registered nurse on the pediatrics floor, and when she finally did whip her car into the jammed parking-lot, nearly slamming into an arriving ambulance in the process, Jameelah knew she was due for a major lecturing from the head nurse on her floor when she clocked in.

The moment she set foot on the pediatrics floor and before she even thought about getting to the nurses' station, her ears began to pound with the unpleasant sound of loud footsteps approaching her from behind. It took all she had in her to keep a groan from escaping her lips.

"Miss Smithson! You are late!"

Not only was the woman famous for stating the obvious, Dolores Blanchette was what one might call an "old bat". Her skin held hundreds of tiny wrinkles that folded over dry flesh. The color seemed to have faded away from her hair, leaving a snow-white straw that was always pulled into a tight bun. Her thick plastic glasses always slipped down the bridge of her sharp nose, magnifying her steel-colored eyes. She was way beyond retirement years, but was still as sharp as ever. Her tongue held the worst criticisms for the nurses working beneath her, and the worst possible characteristic was that she held no compassion towards the patients, which was not befitting of a head nurse in pediatrics. Truly, in the eyes of her coworkers and contrary to popular belief, Dolores Blanchette's bark was definitely worse then her bite.

Which also led to Jameelah fighting everything inside to keep from backlashing with a snide remark, her calm reserve overpowering her pent up emotions and easing her into acting rationally. Any other reaction of negative sort could and probably would most definitely send her spiraling into a whole lot of trouble with the hospital board of administrators and she didn't need that sort of turmoil at the moment. "My deepest apologies, Nurse Blanchette," she resorted to answering sweetly in high hopes that Dolores was in a 'good mood' that morning and would keep her lecture regarding Jameelah's tardiness at a minimum.

Dolores pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose with the assistance of a wrinkled, bony finger, her cold eyes narrowing even further, as if contemplating more harsh words to spit in Jameelah's direction. It seemed as if the old woman was always looking for ways to make the daily lives of her coworkers almost impossible to bere while at work. More often then not, she was successful. "Lets hope this does not turn into a habit, Miss Smithson. Or I will be forced to notify the board of administrators about your lack of knowing how to show for your shift on time. Now attend to your patients and you better hope I do not catch you slacking off today." Dolores briskly walked away, her retreating form stiff and the clicking sound of her shoes resounding rather loudly against the walls.

Jameelah turned in the opposite direction and made her way behind the Nurses' station counter to dispose of her purse and light jacket, before checking the white board to see who exactly of the pediatric patients she was assigned to attend to that morning while making her rounds on the pediatrics floor. Two of her fellow nurses stationed at the computers, and one who was glancing in a manilla folder, offered her sympathetic smiles, silently expressing their opinions of the dreaded Head Nurse. There was no need for it to be spoken aloud, the opinion was unanimous. Gathering her coffee-locks into one hand, she fixated it into a messy bun and used the other hand to tie it in place with the hair tie she'd dug for in her personal drawer.

"The old hag really needs to throw in the towel already and just retire," a sharp voice sounded from her right and Jameelah turned just in time to see Anise, a close friend and coworker, approach her with a small stack of manilla folders tucked safely in her arms. Her warm hazel eyes held a dissapproving glare for the old woman's constant need for bickering at the nurses beneath her. Annoyance clearly dripped from the corners of her mouth, letting the others know she was unafraid of voicing her thoughts outloud, not caring if Dolores were to catch wind of it. Anise was notorious for going rounds with Dolores, successful at getting under her skin and driving her crazy. But that's what caused her to be so popular with the other nurses; Anise just had a way of shutting the old bat up with quick words.

Jameelah only nodded as she retrieved her stethescope from the drawer.

"It's not like she makes an effort to hide the fact that she isn't happy with her position here. I don't understand why they haven't canned her yet," Anise continued to rave, following Jameelah over to the white board.

"Why of course they couldn't do that. Afterall, she's married to the most important person on the board of administrators," Jameelah replied absentmindedly, eyes scanning over the dry-erase words written in hues of blue, green, and red.

"Gah!" Anise gagged at the mere thought. "Who in their right mind would want to be tied to her legally through marriage? I thought marriage was supposed to be a beautiful thing that was supposed to mean something."

Jameelah tried to stiffle a laugh. Anise was a riot at times. "You are horrible, you know that?"

"All I'm saying is that, if I were a guy, I sure as Hell wouldn't want to be married to someone like her. It would be like living Hell on Earth if you ask me. And I get this just from working with the witch. Can you imagine living with her? I think the board should give her the axe...in more ways then one."

"Like I said, you're horrible," Jameelah answered, shaking her head at Anise's antics.

"Just don't let her get to you today, ok?"

Jameelah gazed at her friend oddly. "You sure are chipper. What's the deal?"

"Ah, well...you know me," Anise replied, features turning sly in manner and lips curling into a grin. "Lets just say that Paul is in town for the weekend and we did a lot of catching up last night, if you catch my drift. He says he is considering relocating here to Manhattan, so I think I have every reason to be chipper this morning."

Jameelah's heart immediately turned sour, as much as she attempted to ignore the thoughts creeping into her head. An uncomfortable burning sensation clawed at the back of her throat as she tried to muster a feasible smile. There was no logical point in dragging down Anise's happiness at the prospect of a longed-for boyfriend just because Jameelah herself was incapable at the moment of dealing with her own emotions pertaining to the subject of love matters. She felt sick to her stomach as Anise continued on with her tale, Jameelah wanting nothing more then to get on with things that morning and tend to the first patient at the top of her list.

"Guess I can't say the same thing about you, Jaymes. What's the malfuction?" Anise's voice creeped back into Jameelah's mind. Jameelah stared at her with question as Anise quickly abandoned the manilla folders and folded her arms across her chest. She tapped her foot slightly on the tiled floor. "What's been up with you lately? I hate to say it, but for lack of better words, I'd be willing to guess that you were a five year old mourning over the death of your pet goldfish Willy. What happened to my gossip partner? My partner in crime?"

Jameelah sighed, blowing a loose tendril of hair away from her eye. She couldn't possibly begin to explain to Anise about what had been up with her lately. It hadn't gone over well when Jenny, her roommate, attempted to discuss the pressing matters with her. And afterall, Anise had no clue about he who had made such deep impressions on Jameelah's tainted heart over the course of the past couple of weeks. Jameelah had never figured out how to bring it up to her friend, and when things turned sour between him and her, Jameelah had wanted nothing more then to just forget about him. Because in Jameelah's mind, she was destined for a life without love. She wasn't worthy of a man to love her the right way. So there was no place for him in her life.

Him.

AJ.

Who was she kidding? She hadn't stopped thinking about him, despite her cruel words she had been so willing to dish towards him when he was making an effort to set things right for something he had never done. Jameelah was being selfish and she knew it. Thinking back to her and Jenny's argument the previous day, she couldn't help but realize that was exactly how she was acting. Jenny had done too well of a job of showing her that. Even though she had begun to admit to herself of her selfish emotions, Jameelah still couldn't seem to convince her heart or mind of the same thing. Her mind was winning over her heart and vice versa.

"I know exactly what your problem is," Anise continued, motioning with both hands. Jameelah wanted to stop her from saying what she was going to, having a feeling of what it might be, but she could see no other way then to just deal with Anise's words. Afterall, Anise would find one way or another to express to Jameelah what she wanted to say and that didn't always turn out to be a good thing. "Jaymee, my friend, you need to get back into the dating scene!"

Jameelah had to fight the urge to snap back and claim that Anise thought she knew everything, but she relented. Anise was only trying to help the best way she knew how, even if it wasn't the best way in Jameelah's opinion. Then again, which one was saying that? Her head or her heart? Both seemed to be against her. So maybe Anise was right. Even if she was though, Jameelah couldn't trust enough to build another relationship. Not like that, because her past wouldn't let her. It was too tainted...

"You need to get another boyfriend!" Anise exclaimed, motioning with both hands in an animated manner. She leaned close to Jameelah and lowered her voice a few notches. "Dear, you've been single for far too long now. I think you're frustrated...boyfriend frustrated that is because deep inside, I think you're longing for someone. You just gotta get back into the dating scene and start looking. Because if you don't, the right person may just come along, but you'll be so caught up in your past that you won't even realize it and you'll pass him by."

"You've been talking to Jenny, haven't you?" Jameelah accused, feeling a deep sense sting her in the heart. She fought to keep from grimacing.

"No, I haven't talked to her since last week," Anise answered, confusion masking her hazel eyes. She raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

Jameelah shook her head. "Nevermind, it's nothing." She brushed past Anise to the clock-in machine, figuring Dolores would be walking back around any minute to make sure she had started on her shift. Getting caught not attending to patients at this point wouldn't be of much help to Jameelah's situation.

"Are you sure? You seem a little-"

"Yeah, it's nothing...nothing at all..." Jameelah muttered.

But it was far from being nothing at all and she couldn't deny it any longer. Her heart was tearing her in two directions...

*****

Kevin sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck as he stepped aside to allow Denise to enter his room. He shut the door quietly afterwards, fighting to keep the friendly smile warming his face. It was hard, considering he really wasn't up to having this conversation. Kevin hated to admit it, but he really hadn't heard much more then twelve words total of what Denise had been saying to him while he sat at the table, staring down at his plate of steaming eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, and toast. The breakfast had made his stomach churn for the worse. It tasted even more terrible then it looked traveling down his parched throat and he ended up spending most of his time moving it around on the plate with the fork, finally giving up on his attempt to eat it and waving the waiter over to take it back to the kitchen. His appetite just wasn't there and Kevin was sure he would suffer the consequences later in the day from not eating that morning. He really didn't care, though, because in truth, an aching stomach was the least of his worries at the moment.

"Sorry about the mess," Kevin apologized distractedly, immediately jumping to attention and working feverishly to gather the articles of clothing that were strung about the floor. He reached just in time to snatch a pair of unwashed underwear from the chair Denise was lowering herself into, the crimson coloring creeping into his cheeks. She didn't seem to notice, but it didn't keep Kevin from worrying about not having his room presentable for a guest. "I was in the process of gathering my belongings last night and early this morning to figure out what needs to be tossed in the 'to-wash' bag and what-"

Denise held up a quick hand to cease Kevin's incessant apologies. She could tell he was uncomfortable with the situation and his apologizing for the way his room looked was his way of covering up such a fact. She smiled, hoping to calm his nerves with such a gesture. "I hardly see a mess," Denise laughed, folding her hands carefully upon her lap. "Besides, that cousin of your's still beats everyone when it comes to being king of all messes."

Kevin forced a half smile, nodding in agreement. He knew he still needed to patch things up with Brian later. "I would have to say you are right," he replied, scrunching the clothes in his hands together nervously until he looked down to find that he had somehow managed to blindly tie them in a knot. Grimacing, Kevin let his hands drop listlessly to his sides, silently coaching himself to relax. Since when did he have such a problem speaking to someone before? And AJ's mother of all people... Unable to answer his own question and hating the concerned stare he saw reflecting in Denise's eyes, Kevin immediately turned his back to her, chewing on his bottom lip. He narrowed his emerald eyes on the unmade bed and contemplated whether or not he wanted to busy himself in making it. Kevin sighed, his mind uncooperative.

"Ready for the break?" Denise asked in hopes of striking a friendly conversation after letting moments of silence pass. She studied Kevin's stature carefully, noticing how his demeanor seemed to be changed in noticable ways. She wanted to question him, but he didn't seem much willing to talk about it. And until he was, Denise knew better then to press into the matters. But the concern remained for the dense cloud of silence that seemed to hang over Kevin's head. It was hard not to notice the way he seemed to slump over slightly as he stood, his eyes dimmed and cast over with a lack of emotion. He seemed overall drained and Denise was confused at just what to make of it.

"Yeah, very much looking forward to it," Kevin answered, his tone thoughtful and Denise wondered if she had actually heard it liven up. "Kris and I are going to spend a day relaxing at home together, then catch a flight to Lexington to spend a few days with my mom. She said something about calling my brothers over for a get together."

"That will be wonderful."

"It'll be nice to see my family again...that's for sure." Kevin discarded the rumpled articles of clothing, tossing them half-heartedly towards his suitcase on the floor near the dresser. He rested a hand on the back of his neck, racking his brain for some sort of escape from the situation. His watch was only a constant reminder that he had to wait yet another few hours before the group was due to set off, leaving Kevin with absolutely no solution to what he could possibly do to put off the talk that was useless to avoid. Finally he slumped, defeated, onto the edge of the bed, not once taking his eyes off the light-colored carpet. "So..." Kevin licked at his lips, forcing the words out of his mouth. "How's AJ?"

Denise smiled knowingly. Both boys were the same in so many ways, even if they didn't see it. Their shared stubborness rang true to colors, but their hearts of gold rang even louder. Both of which caused them trouble at seeing eye to eye alot of the time. It was only obvious how concerned Kevin was, despite his insistance on trying to hide it from the people who knew him best. Their eyes locked as Kevin looked up, not recieving an answer. An expression of dread washed over his face. "He's doing good," Denise finally answered and noticed the look of relief that seemed to instantly replace Kevin's look of dread. "I mean, he's doing better. Still complaining about the brace he has to wear on his knee, of course...but he's doing better."

"I was wondering about that," Kevin said quietly, clearing his throat.

"His knee will be fine and he'll be able to take the brace off tomorrow, with orders to visit a walk-in clinic to get it checked again when you Boys get to your next destination," Denise replied lightly. She leaned slightly in her seat, resting her left hand against the side of her face. "Alex has a way of bouncing back from things like that. But of course, not before driving everyone nuts with his persistant complaints."

"Very true," Kevin answered in short.

"You know..." Denise trailed suddenly, her tone of voice changing drastically from what it had sounded during the whole of the conversation up until that point. Kevin quit examining the carpet, glancing up at Denise in confusion at her abrupt end of words. Denise pursed her lips tightly together, choosing her words carefully. She had nothing but hope that she could maybe somehow talk some sense into the man sitting in front of her. If not just for her son's sake, but for Kevin's sake also. "...He wonders the same about you."

"Pardon?"

"Alex wonders the same about you."

"I don't understand what you're saying."

Denise sighed. "He wonders how you, yourself, are doing," she explained, sitting up straighter in her seat. Kevin's facial features began to fall with her words, causing her to fight the frown that was coming on.

Kevin laughed nervously. "Why would he wonder about me? I'm perfectly fine."

"Can you look me in the eyes and honestly tell me that?"

For once the words caught in Kevin's throat and he fell deadly silent. Pressing his tongue to the roof of his mouth, he sat there on the edge of the bed and let his eyes wander. His train of thought failed and he didn't realize Denise had ever risen from her seat until she was carefully claiming the spot next to him. He looked at her without an answer, then looked away. His mind began to swarm with endless thoughts he never gave himself a chance to think about.

And for starters, he knew one thing was for sure. AJ was damn lucky to have the mother that he did. Denise reminded Kevin, in so many ways, of his own mother. For as long as Kevin could remember, Denise had been around the group, always offering her support and nuturing love to he and the fellas when they were touring. Mostly due to the fact that AJ was underage when the group first started and a mandatory parent or guardian had to tag along with him. But nevertheless, Denise had been the so-called "Backstreet Mom", accepting the title gracefully. Kevin remembered the jealousy he felt back in the day, God forbid he ever showed it, when he would witness AJ interacting with his mom during the long periods they were out on the road. Back then AJ never realized how lucky he was to have such a loving parent who would give everything just to be there for their child. Kevin definitely would have done anything to bring his own mother along more often, but life was never easy back then and didn't make it possible. Which led to Denise taking Kevin under her wing to comfort him more then once. Her ability to care for and love someone she hardly knew had amazed Kevin and he couldn't have been more thankful back then to have at least had someone he knew he could turn to when he needed a shoulder to lean on. So as much as he hated to admit it at the moment, Kevin knew this was one of those times.

And Denise obviously knew also.

"I think I'm fine," Kevin finally answered, his voice coated with a hint of stubborn feelings. His brows creased. "It's not me we should be worrying about, though. AJ is the one who needs worrying. Not me-"

"Kevin, you, yourself, deserved to be worried about also once in a while. You can't take everyone elses' worries upon your shoulders and expect your own to just go away. You know it doesn't work like that. I know you never think about it, but Alex does look up to you and he worries about you just like you worry about him."

"Well, we haven't seemed to be able to see eye to eye lately. I don't see why he would go through the trouble of wanting to worry about me when there's nothing to worry about."

Denise cocked her head to the side, staring at Kevin with wonder, but most of all with worry. The words coming out of his mouth just sounded so foreign to her ears. She didn't understand how he could be talking like he was, why he was trying to seem so careless about the situation. Denise knew it couldn't possibly be how he was truly feeling. She knew him better then that. "That's foolish talk, Kevin," she scolded lightly. She watched his emerald eyes grow cloudy with a barrel of mixed emotions.

"I feel terrible enough as it is...about how I was treating him," Kevin continued a moment later as he rested his elbows on his thighs, hands out in front of him. He began to twist the gold wedding band on his left ring finger, a useless attempt to distract himself as he attempted to gather all of the thoughts that were swirling around in his head. "I was so caught up in everything that I honestly did not see how I was treating him, or the others for that matter. I know I haven't been easy to be around lately, but...I feel terrible about it, ok? I didn't mean to act the way I did. I never realized it..."

"Noone is going to hold it against you. Everyone has those moments."

"I wouldn't blame them if they did hold it against me," Kevin muttered.

"That's not the attitude to have."

"I really did push him to the edge, didn't I..." Kevin's voice trailed off. He once again adverted his attention elsewhere, looking anywhere but at AJ's mother. He could feel her stare radiating on his skin, little prickles of nervousness creeping up and down.

"Kevin, look at me," Denise answered firmly.

"Hmmm?"

"Don't you dare go thinking that you pushed Alex to do anything," Denise whispered, her voice gentle but still firm. She pursed her lips as she worked at gathering her thoughts. "You have known Alex for far too long to know that he has never been able to deal with stress easily. It has never been one of his strong points. And when the stress builds on his shoulders, he eventually caves in. That is what happened in this case."

"But I pushed-"

"Sure you rode his case about some things," Denise quickly interrupted, "But what you also need to realize is that there are three other men who did the same thing. Brian, Howie, and Nick are not completely innocent in this. And c'mon Kevin, lets not be dense about this. I know how Alex can be sometimes and he does need to be reminded about alot of things, but he isn't perfect and I'm sure he tried to ride your case and everyone else's cases about things also. Mostly as a defensive act. That's just Alex, though."

"I..."

"You what?"

"I honestly don't know anymore," Kevin sighed.

"You know how things get when you're stuck on the road for so long. Everyone gets on each other's nerves and things happen. But you need not blame yourself for all of this. Contrary to what you may believe, Kevin, Alex does not blame you either. He's never blamed you for anything, let alone want you to think that its all your fault. Sometimes...he just doesn't have a very good way with words. But he means well." Denise placed a hand softly on Kevin's shoulder as she folded one leg under her. "Hun, I've talked to him about it, and believe me, he doesn't blame you. He's just afraid to let you know that. He's afraid to talk to you about it."

"Afraid to talk to me? That's silly."

Denise raised an eyebrow, a small smirk lighting her face. Kevin caught wind of the look and opened his mouth to protest, but Denise beat him to it. "You just contradicted yourself."

"How so?"

"You say it's silly that Alex is afraid to talk to you, when in reality you are afraid to talk to him. You're letting petty differences come between a ten year friendship. That to me is silly."

"He doesn't want to talk to me, Denise."

"That's odd because the last I heard from him, he's tried approaching you and you wouldn't give him a chance."

"I didn't want to mess things up further," Kevin answered, standing up and approaching the window on the opposite side of the room. He glanced out to see that the weather had turned decent and a small family was enjoying the coolness of the outdoor pool several stories beneath his window. He smiled crookedly for a moment, only to turn and find that Denise was standing behind him, looking rather unamused. Kevin held his hands up in defense, frowning. "What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to say you are going to stop acting childish about this whole situation and go talk to him," Denise answered. She folded her arms across her chest. "He's attempted to patch things up between the two of you, but you wouldn't let him. I know you're a better person then that, Kevin. And I know this friendship means too much to you then to let it just swirl down the drain because of some petty disagreements. I would hate to see that happen and I know you would too. So please, just suck in your pride and go talk to him. It can't hurt anything to do that, and I bet you anything that you'll both feel a lot better."

"And if he doesn't want to speak?"

"He does, because it hurts him more then you'll ever realize that the two of you are quote-unquote fighting. He looks up to you, hun. He really does."

Kevin relented, leaning back against the wall. "Alright," he replied, his head spinning from the lack of comprehension he allowed himself to have with the whole situation. He bit down on his bottom lip, choosing his words carefully. "I'll pull him aside later and we'll talk."

Denise smiled. "There's the real Kevin I know."