The night air was quite chilly, more so in the shadows where AJ was standing. He stood at a dark corner of the hotel where no light shone, leaving him in an abyss of darkness and hidden from anyone passing. His blood shot eyes stared wearily at the busy bustling of people as they hurried by the very spot he stood. He didn't understand how one night the streets were empty and the next night the streets were full as if it were still day time. He didn't think he would ever understand how that worked.
The thought didn't help distract his mind from thinking about what had just happened moments before in his hotel room, though. He felt as if his mind were on instant replay as he kept watching himself tackle his friend to the ground and then start throwing mad punches. He knew he had no right to do what he had done, and the foolishness of his actions killed him inside. The fact that he had gone biserk towards Kevin made him even afraid of himself. He was beginning to feel like he was the night before and that scared him even more.
Peeking just enough around the corner, but still keeping himself out of sight, he spotted a night club down the street aways from the hotel. It's neon sign was what caught his attention and he focused on it for a minute before finally deciding that to be his destination. He knew he was not fit at the moment to be going to a place like that, but he needed to go some place that would take his mind off things.
No matter how bad he was feeling at the moment, he didn't want to end up on that bridge again like the night before.
He pulled his cap lower over his eyes, glad that he hadn't taken it off, and stepped out into the bustle of people. He had to keep a steady pace as he walked down the sidewalk towards the night club, or he knew for sure that he would get trampled. Three minutes later, he was walking up the three stone steps to the steel door of the club. As soon as his hand touched the metal handle, he felt another migraine coming on. Maybe it had already been there and he just hadn't noticed it. He doubted that though and began to have second thoughts about heading in. He knew drinking would only add negatively to his migraine, but the prospect of it taking away his worries for a while seemed appealing.
He headed in.
The moment he opened the doors, his ears were met with pounding music that seemed to be over amplified for the space it was in. The place was filled with people; some were dancing out on the floor, some were walking by the door AJ had just walked in through, some were sitting at the tables, and others were sitting up at the bars. AJ chose to head straight for the bar. For once, he didn't feel like dancing. He didn't have a partner to dance with, and he had greater things to worry about then to worry about finding someone to dance with.
For his luck, there was one stool unoccupied and AJ greatfully sat down, resting his arms on the counter. A minute later, one of the two bartenders walked over to him with a towel in his hands, then swung it over his shoulder. He eyed AJ questioningly, then spoke, "What can I get ya?"
"Um..." AJ thought about it for a second, not really knowing what he was in the mood for. "Coors in the bottle and a shot of vodka," he finally answered and waited as the bartender got his drinks.
After his drinks had been served, the bartender walked away to tend to another customer and AJ sat there studying the drinks for a while. A bottle of Coors sat in front of him and next to it was a little shot glass full of the clear alcholic liquid known as Vodka. Once again he thought about how he knew he shouldn't be doing this. One side of him was telling him to just pay for the drinks and leave, but the other side, the more tempting side at the moment, told him to suck it up and drink what he had ordered.
After a few more moments, that's exactly what he did.
*****
It had been nearly a half an hour since Brian had left to take Kevin to the ER, and a half an hour since AJ had bolted from his room. After telling Brian to just take Kevin and go, Howie had run after AJ, hoping with everything that he could stop his friend. He knew AJ was not in the right state of mind to be running off alone, especially after what he had just gotten done doing to Kevin. But no matter how fast Howie had run down the hall and took the elevator to the first floor, AJ had been even faster and was gone.
Now, Howie stood in his own room, which was next door to AJ's, and paced back and forth. One side of him was more then angry for how his friend had acted, and if it would have been proper, then he would have retaliated against him and kicked his ass. But a more powerful side easily calmed him down as a bout of worry set in and took over every crevess of his body.
AJ was gone.
The thing that scared Howie the most was he had no way of knowing where AJ was or which way he had gone. He couldn't have felt more helpless knowing that, and knowing he had no power at the moment to help his friend.
His continuous pacing only caused him to develope a headache and he sat down on the end of his bed and thought with his elbows resting on his knees. What surprised him the most was the fact that he could tell AJ was set on doing damage to Kevin when he and Brian had walked in. But that was far from how AJ was. Sure, they had all had their share of fights over the years, and yes, some had turned into small fist fights, but not one had ever occured between AJ and Kevin. The worst fight the two of them had ever had was nothing more than screaming back and forth at each other. Howie could remember one paticular time though when AJ and Kevin were arguing and AJ had come close to knocking Kevin upside the head with his fist, but AJ had had enough respect to just back away from the situation.
So when Howie and Brian walked into AJ's room tonight to see the rebel pinning the taller man down and aiming punches at his head and side, niether knew what to think. Howie's first reaction had been to get AJ off Kevin immediately and that's exactly what he had done. Upon doing so, he realized AJ didn't even fight him. In fact, as Brian tended to Kevin and Howie tried to getting an answer out of his friend, he saw something.
AJ was crying.
This, in paticular, shocked Howie. He knew how his friend was and he knew deep down inside that AJ was a big softy at heart, but the way he was crying seemed different. The fact that he was crying after what he had done, didn't make sense. Howie knew AJ's ego was the size of Texas and wouldn't allow him to act so emotional after being so 'tough', but there AJ had been, pinned under Howie's arms, and he was crying.
Howie knew there had to of been something else that was troubling AJ so bad that it brought him to the point of tears. Was it something Kevin had said to him? He knew Kevin had been on AJ's case for several weeks now, and it had been getting pretty bad the past week, but for AJ to do what he had done, Kevin had to of said something that had set his best friend off.
Howie could only wonder.
Not being able to deal with sitting still any longer while his best friend was missing, Howie jumped up from the bed and walked out of his room. He took the elevator down to the third floor and headed to room, 327, where he made his hand a fist and knocked.
A few seconds went by and noone answered the door, but by pressing his ear against the wood, he could animated sounds coming from inside and he rolled his eyes with a groan, knocking on the door a bit harder this time. "Nicky! Open up!" he yelled, hoping to get Nick's attention.
This time he pounded on the door.
Howie heard the sound being muted and a pair of feet walking towards the door. A second later, the door clicked open and Nick stood there in a wife beater and a pair of dark blue adidas warm up pants, looking unamused that he had been disturbed while playing one of his numerous video games on his playstation.
"Whatcha want D?" he asked, his voice void of emotion as he leaned against the doorway. "Because of you, I became distracted and my guy got eaten by the T-Rex."
"Was eaten by the T-Rex," Howie replied, not having any idea why he had corrected his grammar while pushing past his taller friend and walking into the room.
"Hey, did I say you could come in?"
"Does it look like I care if you did or did not?"
"Man, bite my head off while you're at it. You can piss off if you're going to act like-"
"Nick, just shut up for a second, alright?" Howie interrupted as he began to pace again unconciously.
"What's wrong with you?" Nick asked, watching the latino with confusion.
"Did Aje stop by here within the last thirty minutes?" Howie asked, stopping to look at his blonde-headed friend.
"No, he's sick in bed. So why would he?"
"He was never sick in bed to begin with Nick."
"You mean...oh man D, you lied?"
Howie could see the lighting of amusement on Nick's face and he felt himself frown. "Could you please be serious for one minute? Because now is so not the time."
"I can try...but uh, I'm not making any promises."
Howie took a deep breath, trying to stay calm and keep his cool. He had a zero tolerance level at the moment and he swore that he would lash out at Nick like AJ had lashed out at Kevin if Nick didn't stop acting so immature for one moment so Howie could tell him what had happened. "Did Aje call you within the last thirty minutes?"
"Wouldn't he be more likely to call you then to call me?"
"At the moment, I'm not so sure. Is your answer no?"
"Nope, he didn't call."
"Shit," Howie swore under his breath, surprising his younger friend.
"Why?...What's going on?"
"Do you want the peanut butter with or without the jelly version of the story?"
"Huh?"
"Nothing," Howie rolled his eyes.
"Dude, are you going to tell me what's going on? Because I'd really like to get back to my game now."
"Aje is missing."
Nick paused on his way back over to the tv. He turned around to face Howie. "What do you mean he's missing?"
"Exactly what I said Nicky. He's gone, left, I don't know where he is."
"Go ask Brian or Kevin-"
"Kevin is the reason he ran off."
Nick paused again. "Are you purposely trying to confuse me tonight? If you are, it's working."
"No, you dummy. Brian and I went up to talk to AJ. His door was open and when we walked in, he had Kevin pinned on the floor. He was throwing massive punches at Kev, and by the time I got him off, Kev ended up with a bloody nose and a bruised left temple. Brian took him to the ER to see if his nose was broken, and who knows if he was bruised anywhere else. AJ really seemed to be punching him hard."
"AJ went psycho towards Kevin?" Nick asked in disbelief.
"That's what seems, huh?"
"Why would he do that for?"
"I don't know. I think Kev must of said something that really set Aje off."
"J might get pissed sometimes, but he never goes so far as to-"
"Yeah, I know. That's why I can't believe he did this," Howie answered and rubbed his temples. He knew he would need to get his hands on some tyenol soon. "Listen, I'm really worried about him right now. You willing to go with me to go look for him?"
"I'd be disbanded from the group if I said no," Nick answered as he reached for his sweatshirt and pulled it over his head. "And now you've got me worried too."
*****
AJ wasn't exactly sure how long he had been sitting at the bar, but as he lifted his pounding head from the counter, he saw six beer bottles and eight shot glasses layed out in front of him. All of them were empty and as he continued to stare at them, his vision grew a bit fuzzy and he swayed a bit on his stool.
"Everyone's clearing out and the club is about to close up. You're going to have to leave now sir."
AJ grimaced at the sound of the voice. He hadn't realized that the music was no longer playing, but he did know that any sudden sound made his whole head feel like it was going to explode. "Huh?" he mumbled, not looking up.
"I said the club is about to close up and you're going to have to leave now. Would you like me to call you a cab?" the bartender asked, wiping off the counter.
"No...I's stay at hotel down da street," AJ slurred as he stood up from the stool. He nearly fell over though and had to quickly grab onto the counter until he gained his balance.
"Are you sure you don't want me to call you a cab?"
"No cab."
"Alright. Just be careful walking back then."
AJ grimaced as he took every step towards the door and when he stepped outside, he was hit with a blast of cold air that nearly made him puke as it hit. Holding him stomach until he felt as little less queezy, he began to make his way back to the hotel. The walk seemed to take forever, when somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew it was only supposed to take a few minutes.
Stumbling around to the back of the hotel ten minutes later, he entered into the warmth of a deserted hall and stumbled down it further until he found one of the elevators. Once he reached his designated floor, he stepped into another deserted hallway and started to make his way towards his room.
"Where mah key..." he grumbled outloud as he reached into his pants pocket for his keycard. For a reason unknown to him, his hands felt numb and he had a bit of difficulty grabbing the card at first, but when he was finally able to, and he was standing in front of his door, he effortlessly attemped to stick it into the slot. After many failed attempts, he was finally able to get the door open and he stumbled into the room.
It was dark and cold inside and his first goal was to find the button that made the room warm. "What it called?" he thought outloud with a small giggle. "I don't know what it called!"
With a shake of his head, he felt along the wall until he found the light switch and switched it on. The room was immediately filled with bright light and he was forced to squint. "Too damn quiet in here," he mumbled to himself as he walked over to the night stand. He sloppily turned the radio in the alarm clock on. The station it was tuned into was currently doing commercials, so while grumbling to himself, he headed into the bathroom.
The light seemed to be just as blinding to him in the bathroom as it was in the main room. Upon reaching the sink, he had to lean against the wall to keep himself from falling. He knew he'd had way too much to drink. His head was pounding furiously in rejection to the alcohol his body had consumed and his stomach was starting to reel again, like it had when he had left the club.
He was drunk and he knew it.
AJ numbly grasped the knob to turn on the water in the sink, making sure it was icy cold. Using both hands, he splashed the water in his face several times before he finally looked up to stare at his reflection in the mirror. What he saw shocked him.
He couldn't even recognize the person staring back at him. At first he thought his eyes were fuzzy, but despite how many times he tried rubbing them, he was met with the same reflection. He knew it was himself, but he looked different. His eyes were bloodshot and the brown color of his irises were dull. The skin below his eyes was puffy and red, while his cheeks were blotchy all over.
Then he realized it. He'd often get this way after he drank compulsively. Now he knew why he looked this way, and he didn't like what he saw.
He spotted a small glass cup on the bathroom sink and he quickly grabbed ahold of it as he felt the scratchy feeling in his throat. He was awfully thirsty all of a sudden, and as he proceeded to fill the cup with water, the radio switched from commercials to music.
What he heard was something that hit him hard in the chest with all that he had been feeling.
I pretend that I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
AJ froze upon hearing those lyrics.
It was his third attempt at giving her a kiss in less then ten seconds, and again she pushed him away. All he could do was look at her with confusion, not understanding why she was acting so cold towards him all of a sudden.
"Why are you acting like this Sarah?" he heard his voice asking, as he looked at her back. She wouldn't even face him, and she didn't give him the satisfaction of an answer. "Sarah?"
His hands reached out to hold her, but she pushed his hands away as she turned around to finally face him. "Don't do that."
"Do what? Touch you? Hug you? Kiss you?" he asked her in even more confusion. The coldness in her voice was enough to send shivers up his spine.
Again, Sarah didn't answer him. She tried to turn away again, but he quickly reached out and grabbed ahold of her arm, keeping her facing him. "Why do you keep turning away from me? What did I do?" was the question racing through his mind and the one he chose to ask aloud.
"Because I don't want to face you and have to tell you at the same time." Sarah's voice didn't come out the same as it usually did. She sounded different, different from the Sarah that he used to know.
"Tell me what?"
She twirled the engagement ring on her finger before she finally it off her finger. "This..." she said quietly as she studied it for a second, then placed it in his hand. "...doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I can't push myself into something that I know I won't be able to stay in forever. I couldn't do that to you."
Saying he didn't like how this was sounding would be an understatement. He looked down at the diamond engagement ring in his hand. "What are you saying?" he asked, his voice quivering as he questioned her. He looked up to see her staring back at him, her eyes void of any emotion at all.
"I'm saying the engagement is off AJ..."
"But...but the wedding-" he stuttered.
"There isn't going to be a wedding," she told him. "I can't go through with it if I know deep down inside that I can't give you 100 percent. I can't do that to you."
"I know you don't mean that. Sarah, I know you don't."
"I'm sorry AJ..."
His mind was reeling now with flash backs of that horrible day.
"You can't just do this to me, Sarah!"
"I can, and I will. I don't want to hurt you, AJ."
He gave a cruel laugh. "Hurt me? I think you already have!"
"I'm sorry-"
"You aren't sorry! You wouldn't be doing this if you were sorry!"
"Goodbye AJ..."
It had happened nearly three months ago...
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
"You thinking about her again?" Howie asked as he plopped down next to AJ on the edge of the stage while everyone was taking a break during rehearsal.
AJ shrugged, gripping his water bottle and looking at the floor. It had only been a week since she had handed him her engagement ring and called everything off.
His heart was still shattered.
"Did she even call?"
"Nope." AJ stood up and began hopping up and down in place to get himself warmed up again. "It's her loss...I really don't care."
Howie gave him a questioning look.
AJ knew Howie was unsure of whether or not to believe he actually meant what he just said. If he could voice what he felt, he would have spilt his guts right then and there to his best friend, but AJ couldn't. It hurt too much to even think about. He knew he needed to tell someone how he was feeling.
He just couldn't though.
He kept everything bottled inside, which hurt him even more. Anytime he was alone, he would burst into tears, not understand why he was crying at the moment, but knowing deep inside it was because of her.
Nobody knew he was like that though.
A deep pain began to settle in his stomach and rise up into his heart. The tears started to well in his eyes, and when they began to fall, they stung his blotchy cheeks.
Why didn't I say
The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin' down
I could say it so clearly
But you're nowhere around
The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And, I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me
Another restless night had decided to torture AJ.
He lay awake on his back, staring up at the ceiling through the dark. No matter how hard he tried to fall asleep, he ended up just tossing and turning until he ended up on his back awake.
The reason he couldn't sleep was simple.
The reason felt like it was killing him inside.
He kept thinking about her. About Sarah. About why she left him, calling off their engagement so suddenly without an explanation. Why she walked out the door without anything more then a simple goodbye. She didn't even look back at him as he yelled after her to not leave. That thought just stung him in the heart.
As it did every night.
The night had become a very lonely time for him and he would usually just lay in bed, lost in an abyss of angry and sad thoughts, until finally he would get so caught up that everything he was holding inside of him would burst out. The tears would start to fall in a rush, and before he knew it, he was sobbing uncontrollably.
Just like every night since she had left.
He missed her. He knew he did. He missed her more the anything. But everytime someone asked him about it, he would deny it. What was he trying to do?
Fool himself?
He was sobbing freely now, staring back at his horrible reflection in the mirror. The lyrics from the radio continued to burn a whole in his heart until he let out a loud cry and suddenly smashed the glass into the hard wall. Instead of letting go of the glass as it hit the wall, he used his hand to push it harder against the wall.
He didn't care about the fact that the shattered glass that was pinned between his hand and the wall was cutting into his skin. He felt too much pain in his heart to feel the pain in his hand.
The blood began to flow from his hand and dripped down his arm. When he saw the crimson liquid, he collapsed to the ground, shards of glass sticking in his hand as the rest fell to the ground.
How blue can I get
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still
He doubled over in pain at that moment, curling into the fetal position as his injured hand lay limply on the ground. The blood still poured from it and began to collect on the ground. He could barely move and he cried helplessly as he tried to kick the bathroom wall. He needed help and he needed it now.
The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And, I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me
Yeah, ohh, uhh, whoa
Nobody
Nobody
But me...
"HOWIE!!!" AJ screamed as loud as he could, banging his foot against the wall. Howie had to hear him, he was in the room next door and had the extra key to AJ's room. Howie had to hear him. He continued to kick the wall. "HOWIE!!!
It wasn't until several seconds later did he hear his door being thrown open. Then,
"Aje?!"
"Howie, help!" AJ cried out upon hearing his best friend's voice.
Howie came rushing into the bathroom and skidded to a halt when he saw his friend laying on the tiled floor. He noticed the blood collected around his friend's hand, the shards of glass against the base of the wall, and the shards of glass protruding the skin of AJ's hand. "What happened?!" he screeched, hurrying over to his friend's side. AJ couldn't answer him as he was sobbing.
Howie felt his heart beating rapidly as he knelt next to AJ, resting a gentle hand on his friend's shoulder. "C'mon Aje, you have to calm down. You need to tell me what happened..." He could feel AJ's body shaking beneath his hand and he felt the tension rise.
"Aje, please. You need to stop. Tell me what happened, please!" Howie begged, not knowing what else to do. He kept looking down at AJ's hand, the one with the glass sticking out of it and he gulped down a queezy feeling that had formed in his stomach.
"The glass...I threw...I didn't mean...the glass...ow..." AJ whimpered, trying to speak, but his sentence came out broken.
Howie panicked as he jumped up to get one of the hand towels and brought it back over to AJ. He carefully cradled AJ's injured hand and lightly wrapped the towel around it. "C'mon AJ, you need to sit up! I need to get you to the hospital!"
"NO!" AJ suddenly cried out, shaking his head furiously.
"Aje, you're hurt. You have to go. You can't do this right now. Please, sit up!" Howie ordered as calmly as he could, trying to help AJ into the sitting position. His friend slumped against him as if he had no energy to sit up by himself. "C'mon Aje, I need to get you to the hospital!" he continued to tell him.
Using all his strength, Howie hoisted AJ up onto his unsteady feet and started leading him towards the door. They had just about made it the door when he felt AJ falling from his grasp and he looked just in time to see AJ's eyes shutting as he began to fall towards the ground. Howie reacted quickly, trying to stand AJ up again.
"Aje, don't do that! Keep your eyes open!"
AJ tried to oblige, he wanted to. He wanted the pain to go away, but it was starting to take over him, and by closing his eyes, the pain couldn't get to him any longer.
But Howie was yelling at him.
That's when he lost the battle, and as his last bit of strength dripped aimlessly away, he fell in to a deep hole of darkness.
"AJ!!!"
