Oriana sniffled softly as she flipped yet another page in the Book of Love Poems and Quotes that Howie had given her for her birthday. Truth be told, she never went anywhere without the book tucked safely within her reach. It was her own little secret, even without Howie's knowledge. Like Howie said, the words protected her and made her feel loved whether anyone was there or not. Yet, today it brought a stinging sensation into her pained heart.
The previous night had been Hell. She had tossed and turned all night long with periods of silent tears for the bitter words exchanged. She had leapt out of the tent like lightening when the sun started to peak into the sky. She had taken a long run along the beach, now she lay several feet away from the tent on a long beach blanket. She allowed the gentle morning rays of the sun warm her skin as she stretched out with the book, contemplating the idea of love.
Nevertheless, she found herself silently crying again as she read over the pages in hopes to find the answer to the question plaguing her thoughts - How to know if she was in love. She found herself flipped through the pages, reading little quotes in hopes to make sense of the situation.
"Love is when you don't have to be with another person to touch their heart... To be in love is to feel you could touch a star without standing on tiptoe... You know you're in love when you can still feel his kiss on your lips after he's gone... Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy. It is often filled with anger and tears. It is when you want to be together despite it all. That is when you are truly in love..."
"That's your situation right now, in that poem," Alex replied as she sat down next to her.
Oriana jerked in surprise, quickly fumbling to hide the book beneath her towel. She immediately laid her cast against the bump of the towel, securing the book tightly. She then covered her eyes in disbelief, feeling utterly mortified. "What are you doing up?"
"Couldn't sleep," he explained with a shrug of his shoulders. "From what I saw, you and Howie had a bad night."
"What do you mean?" she murmured, almost afraid to look up at the older boy who would soon be her brother.
"Well, if last night had gone good, you both would be out here. Not you on the beach reading and Howie still sleeping. AND you would have pushed me to the side so you two could sleep next to each other."
"I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to disturb you by pushing you over..." Oriana lied, glancing down at the sand before her towel. She sighed softly, running her fingers against the sand to doodle. She just wanted to forget.
"Mm-hmm, alright. Let me ask you something. How does Howie make you feel?"
It sounded all too familiar to Oriana's pained heart. She turned gently to lay on her back, staring up at Alex. She focused on his light brown eyes before speaking, "Did you hear us last night?"
"Some of it. But I'm asking you a question," Alex replied, determined to get her to listen to her true feelings.
"All we do is fight."
"That's bullshit, Riana. "
"Don't tell me you got out of your warm sleeping bag to yell at me?"
"I'm not yelling at you. But what you just said was bullshit. I see the look on your face after he kisses you. The way you shiver when he touches you. I'm not blind, you know. I can tell when my little sister is in love."
"How do you know what love is?!" she groaned, immediately turning back to her stomach, burying her face in one hand. It was the ultimate question in her love.
"How do you know what isn't?" he countered. "You just read that last poem out loud. THAT'S what love is. Love is not perfect."
"It's not a big deal, Jamie—"
"Don't say it's not a big deal. You are miserable if Howie's not with you and he's the same without you."
"What makes you say that?"
"Because I know you both that well."
"Is that it?" she asked, standing up from the towel. She smoothed out her sunset-print, boy cut bikini bottoms after pulling down the light yellow tank top she had thrown on after taking a morning dip. She then picked up the soccer ball that she had brought along, dropping it to the sand. She kicked it forward, controlling it with great ease as she traveled around the beach.
"Running away won't stop your feelings for him," Alex replied as he stood up and followed her. "I know you're scared, but so is he! Don't push him away because of that."
"You don't have any idea of what I feel," she answered, rolling the ball up her foot to pop it into the air. She easily brought her good knee toward the ball, continuing to pop it into the air with her knee.
"Oh, I don't? Howie showed me that poem book you read all the time. He wanted to make sure I thought you would like it. You don't think I see you reading it? C'mon, admit it! You love him!"
"It's something interesting to read, Jamie. Nothing more or less."
"Bullshit!" Alex grabbed her soccer ball.
"Alex!" she growled.
"Stop this charade, it's ridiculous! You love him!"
"Give me back the ball."
"Nope."
"This is fucking ridiculous," Oriana growled, staying still for the first time all morning. She stared at Alex in disbelief, fixing her hand into a fist. "Why do you care so much? You were the one in the first place telling me that I couldn't do anything with Howie. Giving me that idiotic Frump-up... Now you're telling me that I'm fooling myself and I love him when no one wants me to in the first place!"
"I was in a stupid protective brother phase, okay? I care because I want to see you happy! And you're with Howie when you're happy! I want you to be with him, Teagan want you to be with him, Cass and Marie want you to be with him. Most important of all, HOWIE wants you to be with him!"
"I am with him!"
"This is what you call being with him? Being out here when you should be in the tent with him?"
"He's sleeping!"
"Because he thinks you hate him!"
"He does not," she scoffed.
"Oh, you don't think so?"
"No, I don't."
"That's why when I woke up he was curled up into a ball with tear streaks on his face?"
"You're just trying to upset me..." Oriana countered, her voice softer than before. Her eyes quickly flitted back and forth, trying to search for a lie within Alex's serious eyes. Her hand slowly uncurled from the fist as she stepped back. "It's probably just sweat or something..."
"I know tear streaks when I see them, Ry. He was crying."
“But..." Oriana found herself truly speechless.
"He really does love you. He's scared to death you don't."
"I don't know—"
"Just listen to your mind, heart and soul. What does it say?"
"It doesn't say anything."
"It doesn't?" He raised an eyebrow.
"My... My mind says it's impossible for me to love and be loved..." Oriana started, closing her eyes for the longest moment. She turned away from Alex, watching the ball fall gently from his hands. "My mind says I'm an idiot to think it's possible to feel anything anymore. Not after everything... My... My heart says not to get hurt again. It bleeds with this raw pain from years of defeat. My mind shuts down any tiny recuperation my heart tries to make... And my soul..."
"What does your soul say?" Alex asked softly.
"My soul..."
"Says you love him?"
"I..." Oriana could already feel the tears building beneath her eyelids. She offered a ragged sigh, gently popping the ball up into Alex's arms. She needed to contemplate the hints her soul was screaming so desperately from below. "Could you give me a few minutes?"
"Just really think it over, okay?" Alex whispered, kissing her forehead before walking back to the tent.
Howie felt absolutely miserable as he stepped from the tent. His bones ached from the long drawn night of restless darkness. The night had been cold and lonely. He found himself utterly wasted when Oriana wasn't drawn to his side for sweet dreams. Yet he couldn't truly admit that to her, because he feared she wouldn't feel the same. So many doubts plagued his mind. Was he foolish to love a girl that refused to love him back? Did he push too hard? Was she truly the one in his life? Does she love him?
He raggedly ran his hands through his messy curls, digging his bare feet into the warming sand. No one was in sight around the camp. He shook his head in disbelief, walking toward the cooler, but Oriana's beach blanket caught his eye. He noticed the square lump beneath it, which raised his curiosity. He immediately folded the towel back, retrieving the familiar book, which had been bookmarked to a specific page. He noticed the fresh highlighter strokes upon one passage, reading it aloud, "Love is patient, / Love is kind. / It does not envy, / It does not boast, / It is not proud. / It is not rude, / It is not self-seeking, / It is not easily angered, / It keeps no record of wrongs. / Love does not delight in evil / But rejoices with the truth. / It always protects, / Always trusts, / Always hopes, / Always perseveres. / Love never fails."
"Hey! D! Sleep well?" Alex called brightly, jogging forward with the ball neatly controlled between his feet. He acted as if nothing were wrong, knowing it would probably be best. Oriana was still down along the beach, sorting through her thoughts. Alex could only hope for the best now and he did. He wouldn't have his vacation ruined by a stubborn heart.
"What?" Howie looked up, and Alex knew right away that his friend didn't sleep well. "Oh. Hey, man."
"What's happening?" Alex asked, stopping the ball from spinning with the bottom of his foot. He craned his neck, noticing the book within Howie's hands. "Light reading?"
"Just the book I gave Ria for her birthday, that's all," Howie placed it underneath the towel where it was before.
"Steal it from her dresser drawer?" Alex joked.
"Haha, funny. Do you know where she is?" Howie asked, running a hand through his locks again.
"She went for a walk... Why?"
"Just curious."
"You'd think you two would get tired of each other. Now you're looking for her again. Jezz, D, what's there to talk about now?" Alex questioned lamely, really reaching for Howie to open up. Howie was much more gentle when it came to these issues. Oriana needed confronted directly in order to be forced to talk, but Howie would talk freely if he knew the person cared enough to listen.
"She freaking hates me, J. Last night... it went all wrong after you went to bed," Howie groaned, reaching over and grabbing an orange juice out of the cooler.
"How'd it go all wrong? You guys were pretty hot and heavy in my presence last time I checked..."
"She basically pushed me away. Probably because I spoke too much, like I always do," Howie chugged down half of the juice.
"Maybe it was time that you needed to push? You're always giving and giving to this relationship, right? Maybe it's time she gave back?"
"But if I push, she pulls away."
"But she always comes back, doesn't she?"
“What if this time I do, she doesn't come back?"
"Do you honestly think she won't?" Alex questioned, watching Howie easily finish the rest of the orange juice, tossing the container into the nearby garbage bag. Howie then slumped against the cooler, holding his aching head in his hands. Alex winced, wishing Oriana would notice Howie's disheveled state and come running.
"I really don't know. She's been hurt so many times, it could happen... I don't even know if she loves me. I tell her that all the time, and she says nothing. It... it hurts, man."
"Hurts that she doesn't say it back?"
"Hurts that she probably doesn't feel the same way. And when I try to talk to her about it, she runs away."
"Why don't you tell her it hurts? I bet she doesn’t want to see you in pain—"
"Because I don't want to guilt her into thinking she loves me when maybe she doesn't—"
"Maybe she does love you?"
"How do you know?"
"I don't know," Alex lied. "The only way you can find out is if you ask her yourself."
"She won't tell me."
"Ask till you get an answer."
"But--"
"Hey! Why don't I fire up that mini-grill and make us some killer breakfast?" Alex interrupted excitedly, rolling the soccer ball beneath one foot.
"You can cook?" Howie raised an eyebrow.
"I can at least scramble eggs!" Alex scoffed.
"Without burning them?"
Alex offered Howie a sarcastic look, purposely kicking the ball toward Oriana's direction. He stumbled slightly, acting as if it were a complete accident. "Damnit, D! Can you go grab that before the ocean swallows it?"
"As long as you don't burn breakfast," Howie groaned, getting up to his feet before running after the ball.
"Yeah, well, don't burn her heart," Alex warned softly.
Howie groaned as the soccer ball rolled quickly down the small incline toward the ocean. He couldn't believe that Alex had so much power within his skinny legs. Still completely oblivious to the scheme, he chased after the ball with random thoughts circulating in his mind. Rolling his eyes, he picked up his pace as the ball started to slow. He was about to yell in triumph as the ball knocked against something, but he lost his footing and tackled the very same object.
"Howie!" Oriana gasped in surprise as she slammed back onto the soft sand, hitting her head against a seashell of some sort. She groaned immediately, reaching within her tangled curls to massage the tender area. "Love freaking hurts..."
"Ouch..." Howie gritted as pain radiated in his hand. His eyes grew wide as he realized he had tackled Oriana. "Ria, I'm sorry! I was just chasing the soccer ball Alex kicked and I wasn't even paying attention to where I was going--"
"Don't worry about it... Are you alright?" she asked, sitting up as she continued to rub the back of her head. Her sea blue-green eyes glimmered with concern as she eyed his appearance, looking for something that didn't fit.
"Yeah, I just slammed my hand into a rock. Are you okay?" Howie asked, wanting to reach out and touch the back of her head, but didn't.
"Just wanted to know what kind of sound my head would make smashing against the ground..." Oriana joked, tensing immediately as she glanced into Howie's dark eyes. Initiating her nervous habit, she bit down on her bottom lip, bracing her good hand against the sand to keep herself propped up as the ocean seemed to spin. "You're hand though... You're sure it's okay?"
"It's fine, don't worry. I'll ice it later. Your pupils look a little off. Are you sure you didn't hit your head too hard?"
"I'm fine," she repeated, bowing her head slightly.
"Listen... I'm sorry if I upset you last night. I didn't mean to."
"It's not a big deal," she assured, closing her eyes for a brief moment as she pushed herself off the sand. She felt her head spin at the sudden shift in gravity, causing the back of her skull to throb with pain. She wobbled a little as she stepped forward. She made it about three steps before stumbling back onto the beach. She quickly laid down on her back, trying not to laugh. "And I'm not even drunk..."
"You really hit your head hard," Howie replied, sitting down next to her. "We really need to talk, though. Please?"
"I can't get out of this on account of an injury?" Oriana whispered, concentrating on focusing her eyes upon Howie's handsome face. Her first thought was to run her fingers down the stubble of his cheek, but she remembered their awful conversation. She quickly blinked back tears, not sure if they were from the pain in her head or heart.
"If we don't talk about it now, we never will," Howie finally overcame his apprehension and reached out to gently cup her cheek. "I love you, Oriana. I have for a long time now and I always will. I thought that last night I lost you, because I thought you didn't love me. I thought that maybe I wasn't good enough. That maybe I pushed too much and was the cause of you not loving me. And to be honest... it hurts my heart to think you don't love me, because of how deep my love is for you."
Oriana felt her throat constrict at Howie's meaningful words. She didn't think she would ever be ready for the deep thoughts or feelings overcoming her soul. The tears were already starting to build beneath her eyelids. It was all she could do to squeak before getting cut off, "Howie---"
"I know. I know you're scared. So am I. This is something I've never felt before in my life, but I don't want to run away from it."
"I... I don't want to hurt you---"
"The only way you could hurt me would be to leave me."
Oriana shied away from his hand, feeling her cheek already starting to burn. "But---"
"I would never hurt you."
"I know..."
"Just... know that I love you, okay?"
"I know that, too..." she trailed, watching his hand slowly reach out to caress her. She quickly caught his hand with her own, startling him. His eyes were still murky with hurt. She bit on the inside of her cheek, ignoring the throbbing ache in the back of her head. "What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know. Something. Anything."
"Am... Am I really hurting your heart like you said?"
"You're not hurting it. It... it just hurts to think I love someone so much who might not love me back. I know you have issues with love, but I can't help it if it hurts, you know?"
"I---"
"I'm not rushing you to love me. I just wanted to know if that could happen."
"Wanted to know?"
"That didn't sound right..."
"I don't know what---"
"I just want you to love me, Oriana. Is that so hard? I mean... Is that a hard question? Am I not good enough?"
"No! You're good enough, too good!" Oriana blurted, reaching to grab his arm before he could get away.
"Then why do I feel like I'm not when you pull away from me?"
"I... I pull away because sometimes I don't think I want—"
“You don't want me?"
"No—"
"You don't?"
"Damnit, Howie!" Oriana groaned, sitting up straight. He always made her so confused and haphazard. It was as if she wasn't even in her body at times. "You don't understand—"
"Just say it, then. You keep spinning me in circles that I really don't understand!"
"I was raped," she murmured quietly, dropping her gaze quickly to the sand. She had never murmured those words to anyone in her entire life. Teagan didn’t even know the depths of her pain during childhood and puberty. To trust Howie with such a heavy burden proved more about the depth of her love than anything.
Howie's eyes grew wide. "What?"
"That's why I lock my door—"
"One of your mom’s boyfriends?"
“Not just one…”
“Excuse me?”
"Momma was always really tired at night from trying to get her office off the ground I guess or maybe they wanted to teach me a lesson. I'm not sure why. I never knew why. I just know that I'd be curled in my bed, praying for a miracle, and then the hallway light would come shining through as the door opened... It was awful… Just… They did things… They hurt me…"
"Oh, Riana... I'm sorry. I didn't know, and here I am acting like a selfish ass—"
"You're not selfish," Oriana quickly blurted, still unable to look him directly in the eyes. "You deserve to hear those words over and over."
"But I pushed you to talk—"
"You had a right to do that."
"I did?"
"You give and give to this relationship, Howie. And I never give any of it back. I just sit there like some stone wall. You deserve so much better. I can understand why you're so upset with me. I can also understand if you don't want to deal with this anymore... I just... I'm really sorry I put you through all this," she answered, knowing the true words she were longing to say lay buried deep in her heart, squirming to release.
"No, the thing is that I don't want anyone else but you, Riana. No buts. I love you, and only you."
"I..."
"What, Sweetheart?"
"I don't know what to say."
"Say anything."
"I know what you want me to say, but…"
"You're scared to say it."
"Something like that..."
They both sat in silence for a moment, watching the waves crash onto the shore. It depicted their turmoil. So, Howie looked away. Taking a deep breath, Howie glanced over at Oriana's image. Outside, she looked so fearless and determined, yet inside she was a shattered image of her true self. He didn't know what more he could do for her. He said what he wanted to say. As much as he hated to accept it, maybe she did need time. He didn't want to leave her side, but it felt like the only thing to do.
"Remember what I said, Ria. I'll always love you," he whispered, standing up.
Oriana glanced up quickly to see him starting to walk over the small hill of sand to reach their tent. She felt devastated, knowing she truly didn't want him to go. She scrambled to her feet, feeling her head immediately circle with dizziness, but never caring as she stumbled behind him. "Howie!"
He turned around to see her half walking half stumbling after him. His heart leaped with anticipation. "Yeah?"
"Jamie talked to me before you got up. He...um...he said you had tear streaks across your face..."
"He saw them?" Howie asked, feeling embarrassed at the thought of his beat friend knowing he had cried.
"Yeah...but why?"
"Because I thought you hated me."
"Why?"
"By the way you acted, I don't know..."
"Oh..." she trailed quietly, her eyes falling to the sand. She tried to gather her wits, looking back up to see Howie walking ever further. She felt her heart leap from her chest to her throat, making it difficult for her to breathe. Something inside her refused to let Howie get away. "Howie! Please!"
Howie turned around again, tears in his eyes. "What?"
"Why are you leaving me? And why are you crying?"
"I'm not leaving you, I was heading back to camp."
"But why are you crying?"
"I'm crying because I'm afraid I lost you, I'm crying because of how Brian has hurt you and tried to pull us apart, I'm crying because I love you so much... it's everything jumbled into one."
"I'm sorry, but I need to..." Oriana hesitated greatly, staring at Howie's watery eyes. She sighed softly, knowing it was her fault he hurt so much. She carefully stepped toward him, wiping away the stray tears before stepping back again. "Before you woke up, Jamie was talking with me. He kept pushing me to say the things that I fear most, but I kept backing away like I do with you. Finally, he asked me what my heart, mind, and soul were telling me about you."
"W-What were they telling you about me?"
"My mind was telling me that I couldn't love you and that I couldn't be loved by you," she started.
"Alright..."
"My heart thinks it’s impossible to feel anything anymore. It doesn't want to get hurt again, even if it believes you’re trustworthy. My heart doesn't want to risk the chance. It bleeds with this deafening pain of useless defeat."
Howie sighed heavily, biting down on his bottom lip. "I wish I could make it stop hurting."
"Then my mind and my heart start battling each other, because as much as my mind hates to admit it, my heart's walls are weak against you. But anytime my heart prays to trust you, chiseling a bit of the wall, my mind shuts down the tiniest thought," Oriana explained, unable to stop her speech.
Howie nodded, knowing she had more to say.
"But my soul... My soul..." Oriana trailed, closing her eyes. She allowed herself to drift away from the pain that always clouded around her like a shroud of darkness. Allowing her heart and mind to combine as one, she accessed the deepest core of her soul, unleashing the powerful box of emotions that had been closed for so long. Still lulled by the state of peace, she found herself murmuring her favorite quote from the book Howie gave her, "Love is patient, / Love is kind. / It does not envy, / It does not boast, / It is not proud. / It is not rude, / It is not self-seeking, / It is not easily angered, / It keeps no record of wrongs. / Love does not delight in evil / But rejoices with the truth. / It always protects, / Always trusts, / Always hopes, / Always perseveres. / Love never fails.”
"You highlighted that..." Howie whispered, almost afraid to break her perfect concentration. Something was happening deep inside her and he prayed selfishly that it was in her favor.
"And you wrote beside it. You remember that one, don't you?" she countered, allowing her eyes to flutter open.
"Yeah, I do. That's what I thought real love was."
"And do you remember what you wrote beside it?"
"Yeah... I wrote 'I never knew what love really was until I met you, Riana. Looking through this book, I found the perfect poem to go along with what I thought. Love never dies, and will always be remembered'..."
"I didn't think I knew what love was either, Howie," Oriana whispered.
"Does that poem describe how you think about love now?"
"It always did... My soul just never had a chance to say it."
"What does your soul say? You've talked about your mind and heart, but not your soul."
Oriana cautiously stepped toward him, wiping away the stray tears yet again, but letting her fingers linger against his warm cheek. "My soul says to trust you. My soul says that you're truly the one for me. That all my hurt goes away when I'm with you. That I need to trust you, no matter what my mind and heart say. It says you'll be the one to understand me and love me through all the best times and the worst times. It puts your name in that Bible verse instead of the word love: Howie is patient / Howie is kind / He does not envy / He does not boast / He is not proud / He is not rude / He is not self-seeking / He is not easily angered / He keeps no records of my wrongs / He does not delight in evil / But rejoices with the truth / He always protects me / Always trusts me / Always hopes for me / Always preservers / Howie never fails me."
Howie smiled softly, placing his hand on top of hers. "I really hope you'll listen to your soul... because it's right."
Oriana nodded slightly, leaning in to place her lips a top his own. She allowed her feelings to pulsate through the tender kiss as she had done the night before. She pulled her hand free from his cheek, immediately wrapping it around the back of his neck, gently pulling him closer. She could feel his heart beat against her chest, lighting her soul with a deep fire. Ever so carefully did she let her lips pull away, but still lingering near. "I love you, Howie. I love you so much," she confessed.
"You do?" he whispered.
"More than my life."
"I love you, too." he pulled her in for another kiss, more passionate than any other kiss they had shared.
"Mmm," she murmured against his mouth, feeling her heart hammer loudly against her chest. She was almost too sure that he could hear it, let alone feel it. Yet, she never backed away. She stepped forward, causing Howie to stumble. They fell softly against the sand, never flinching from pain, almost as if God had covered the warm sand with pillows for their safety. Oriana glanced down to see herself straddling his hips yet again, causing her to laugh.
"We seem to end in this position a lot," Howie chuckled, resting his hands on her curvy hips.
"It's well worth it now," she whispered, bowing down again. "I have to finish what I started last night, right?"
Howie's eyes grew wide as their lips parted. "Are you sure?"
"Sure about what?"
"We don't have to finish if you're not sure—"
"Not sure about what?"
"I... I don't know anymore. You're kisses always leave me speechless or not making any sense."
"Are you thinking about what we talked about before we came here?" Oriana countered, loving the peculiar look crossing over his face. She ran her hand against the curly locks framing his forehead, trusting him with everything she had.
"Say... huh?" He raised his eyebrows in confusion.
"Making love?" she questioned, feeling her cheeks heat at the mere mention. "Because you were just so surprised about... I was..."
"Would you really want to make love now? Well, not RIGHT now, but—"
"We...um... We still have things to talk about before that can happen..."
"I don't mean to sound stupid, but what other things?"
"Just...um..." Oriana bit down hard on her bottom lip, struggling to find the right words. Hoping to halt the conversation before it could start, she leaned down to kiss him again. "I love you?"
"I love you, too. But what was it you wanted to talk about?" Howie replied, knowing she was trying to change the subject.
She sat up again on his hips, feeling her spine stiffen with apprehension. She knew they would have to talk about it eventually, but she couldn't help but feel ashamed. "Just... You're a technical virgin, right?"
"Yeah, I am. But what does..." a look of realization crossed his face.
"You're worried you're not because of the boyfriends..."
"Yeah..." she whispered, her voice slightly cracking under the pressure. Sometimes she could still feel their hands wandering her body in the lonely nights. She took a sharp breath, slowly easing herself off Howie's hips so she wouldn't compromise him. "I mean... I know that people say that being a virgin is something in your heart. That you willingly give your virginity away... But it hurt... It hurt so bad. And I'm just afraid... Maybe you don't want me because of that. Because you know that now. Or maybe I won't be good for you because I... Because of what happened... Maybe I don't deserve to feel pleasure that way and God let that happen for a reason..."
"Riana, you deserve all the pleasure and happiness life can give you. I don't care what happened in the past. Well, wait, I do, but it doesn't change how I feel about you. Those assholes forced you into doing something you didn't want to. You did not lose your virginity, because you did not consent and it was not out of love at all. You could never not be good for me. It's impossible."
She trembled from the memories, just willing the evil thoughts away. She could feel her bottom lip quiver with the anticipated tears. As much as she wanted to will it away, she did thinking about sharing that intimate connection with him. To feel one with him. Howie was so genuinely sweet about the whole concept, but she wondered if the pain would be unbearable. She didn't even know if she wanted to discuss that concept of her life anymore "I..."
"You can tell me anything, Riana... C'mon, Sweetie. We've gotten this far, please don't stop now," Howie ushered, propping himself up with his elbows. He just wanted her to feel safe with confiding in him.
"What..." Oriana stifled the question, sniffling softly. On a whim, she made Howie lay back in the sand, resting her head against his chest. She closed her eyes for the longest moment, listening to his heartbeat, trying to sort through the issues. "I would love to be with you in that way, Howie. I won't lie and say that I'm not thinking about it. Because it's hard not to when you're this affectionate. But I can't help but be scared. I bled so much when they... I hurt all over... I felt like I'd never stop crying... What if we...and I... What if it hurts?"
"I can't promise you it won't hurt, because I'm a guy and I don't know. But even if it does hurt, I will be so gentle, because the last thing I want to do is hurt you," Howie ran his hands through her locks.
"Do you...do you really want me?"
"Of course I do."
"And you really want to make love?"
"Yes," he lifted her chin up so their eyes locked. "With you and only you."
"Are you... Are you sure?"
"Do you see any doubt in my eyes?" he whispered.
"It's just a really big—"
"I know. And I'm not going to rush it. When you're ready, we will."
“Are you sure?”
"I've been waiting to lose my technicall virginity with someone that I love with all of my heart. I found that person and she's right in front of me."
"What about waiting for marriage?" she questioned carefully, knowing that was another apprehension in her mind. She had promised herself long ago that the only man she would physically and emotionally connect with would be the man she married. Making love was such an intimate detail in a couple's life, not something to be thrown around.
"If I found the woman I love unconditionally, that would be the one I want to marry. So... I don't know how to say it. Not exactly canceling it out, but--"
"Huh?" she asked in confusion as he stumbled over his words.
"If I can see myself marrying that person and I love them, I think it's okay to make love," Howie licked his lips nervously. He was hoping that made sense. "Do you know what I mean?"
"That you don't think we should do this?"
"No, because I can see myself marrying you."
"Say...wha...huh?" she murmured, dumbfounded.
"I can see myself marrying you?"
"But—"
"Regardless of anything. If we were older and been dating for awhile longer, I would ask you to marry me."
"You're nuts..."
"It's just what I feel."
Oriana finally pulled away, wrinkling her honey brows into a look of confusion. Howie was so honest when it came to the feelings of his heart. The idea of marrying him seemed perfect inside and out. She found herself licking her own bottom lip with nervousness, staring at him. "I promised myself...that I would only make love with the man that I'm going to marry."
"And that's a very good promise," Howie replied, hoping deep inside that the man she would want to marry was him.
"So if we... I mean..."
"If we did make love, I would ask you to marry me once we got older."
"You would?" she breathed.
"I would."
"Marry me?"
"Yes, I would," he repeated, chuckling a little at the look of shock on her face.
She quickly glanced behind her to make sure that no one else was around, assuring herself that Howie did indeed mean her. She leaned forward to offer a charming kiss. "I'd marry you in a heartbeat."
"And then I would be the happiest man alive," Howie enthused, running his hands up and down her sides.
Oriana carefully climbed back onto his hips, making him lay back into the sand. She smiled innocently, leaning down to catch his lips in another breathtaking kiss. Though, she parted quickly, she offered a kiss between each pause in her sentences, "I love you... I love you... I love you... And I love you..."
"I love you too... I love you too... I love you too... And I love you too..." he replied right after her.
"Now that's what I like to see! Not too R-Rated for a big brother!" Alex whooped out of nowhere, startling the couple. "So? What happened?"
"I love him?" Oriana guessed innocently, standing up and offering Howie her good hand.
"And I love her," Howie replied, grabbing her hand and gently pulling her back down on top of him for another kiss.
"Oh Lord," Alex groaned openly.
"I was trying to help you up," Oriana laughed against his lips, offering another kiss.
"I know, but I wanted another kiss," Howie grinned. "Besides, this was a comfy position.”
"You're going to give Jamie another reason to bring out the Frump-up," Oriana warned, trying to stand up again.
"You looked sexy in the Frump-up, too," Howie replied as he kept her close to him, kissing her again.
"Don't tell him that or he'll end up locking me up or something," Oriana laughed, almost thinking she could hear Alex's blood boiling. She accepted several more heated kisses, before trying one more time.
"Why can't we just lay here?" Howie complained as he finally let Oriana up.
"Because you'll be doing more than laying!" Alex growled.
"Please, Jamie," Oriana begged innocently, walking toward her brother. She affectionately wrapped her arm around his neck, pressing a delicate kiss to his cheek. "I'll behave."
"I will, too! Man, do you think that little of me that I would have the first time to be on the beach with you fifty feet away?" Howie groaned, getting to his feet.
"Oh Lord, this is where your technical virginity comes into play with all that horseshit about Christina?" Alex groaned.
"Um... duh?"
"Well, that wasn't really computing at the moment. You're honestly telling me that with all the girls that have plastered themselves on you... You haven't had sex since Christina?" Alex questioned just for verification.
"Not once."
"How far have you...?" Alex continued to question, knowing it was in Oriana's best interest.
"I've only kissed girls, never any farther," Howie replied, understanding that Alex was just looking out for his sister.
"You swear?"
"Dude, you know I don't lie!"
"I know, but... You've never been serious about another girl like this, right?"
"Never."
"And, you, how much experience am I looking at when I look at my little sister?" Alex fired, staring at Oriana. He knew it was almost too foolish to ask, but he knew her wild streaks. Outside she looked completely sweet and innocent, but inside lurked an entirely different character.
"Nothing I wanted..." Oriana trailed softly, glancing up to catch Alex's confused gaze. "I haven't been serious about anyone. Frankly, I'm waiting till the right guy comes along to marry before I consider offering my entire body to him."
"Are you done interrogating us, now?" Howie asked, trying to break the attention away from Oriana. He knew she hadn't told Alex about her rapes.
"Did you tell him you loved him?" Alex asked, ignoring Howie's blunt question. He smiled as Oriana nodded shyly. He couldn't have been prouder as he stepped toward her. He offered a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I'm going to throw my trunks on and go for a dip before taking a nap. You two have fun frolicking in this hidden oasis, okay?"
"Thanks Jamie," Oriana whispered, kissing him affectionately once more.
"Just being a big brother," Alex smiled before turning to Howie. "You treat her like the Princess she is, alright?"
"You know I will," Howie replied, shaking his hand.
"At least promise to eat lunch with me, okay? I'd like to spend a little more time with her before you snatch her away forever," Alex teased, heading back up toward the campsite.
"I'll join you in the water in a little bit," Oriana called after him.
"Sounds good," Alex answered, waving before he disappeared behind the tent.
"We're alone again," Oriana announced, glancing shyly towards Howie.
"Yes, we are," Howie smiled, reaching out to wrap his arms around her as they kissed. "What shall we do?"
"Anything you want," she offered, linking her arm around his shoulders as she rested her cast hand between them.
"Just laying with you on the beach while the sun warms our bodies sounds good to me."
"Towel beneath us would be good," Oriana agreed, pulling away so she could head toward the campsite. While walking, she tugged on the hem of her tank top, pulling it over her head as she reached the campsite, throwing it against one of the lounge chairs.
"Alright..." Howie trailed, admiring her natural physique.
Though, she seemed too preoccupied to notice Howie's hungry stare as she retrieved her favorite beach blanket. She carried it down nearer to the shore, carefully laying it out. She smiled with approval, fixing her bikini bottoms before smoothing out the edges. She stood up to find Howie mesmerized. "Howie?"
He shook his head a little. "What?"
"Are you alright?"
"Y-Yeah, I'm fine, it's just... Riana, you are so beautiful."
"I have sea-wild curls, red cheeks, and a bikini. I don't think they qualify as beautiful," she replied, motioning for him to at least sit down before he fainted.
"I said 'so beautiful'. That's different from beautiful," he corrected before sitting down.
"How is that different?" she asked, immediately laying down on her back to welcome the warmth of the sun rays.
"Because you are beyond beautiful."
"You've had too much sun."
Howie shook his head. "No, I haven't."
Oriana gently rolled her eyes, not wanting to fight. She motioned with her index finger for him to come closer. "C'mere, Baby."
Howie leaned closer to her. "What?"
She said nothing more as she gently tugged off his tank top, exposing his chiseled bare chest. She smiled with acceptance, carefully pushing him so he'd lay back against the soft beach blanket. With that done, she ran her hand down his chest once before propping herself against him, studying the sound of his heart against her ear. "Mmmm, better."
"Definitely," he replied, smiling as well. He ran a hand up and down her back, enjoying that closeness they shared by just the simplest body contact. The weekend had started off rocky, but now he knew everything would be going great from then on.
