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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Well there’s hours of time on the telephone line
To talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines
In pieces on the ground

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Brian remembered the phone call, so many months ago. The unexpectedness of hearing from her had shocked him enough, but the news she brought with her nearly killed him. He had only focused on bits and pieces of what she’d been telling him, but those key words were all he’d needed to put it together.

Cancer. Inoperable. Six to eight months, if lucky.

He’d been holding back his feelings for her for so long, but hearing what she was telling him had forced him to make the split-second decision. There was no way he couldn’t not tell her how he felt, how he’d felt for so long now, because he hadn’t known if he’d ever get the chance again.


~*~ FLASHBACK ~*~

“Don’t you ever think of what could have been?”

There was a silence on the other end, which Brian attributed to her being taken off-guard with his question, but he waited for her answer, wanting desperately to hear what she had to say.

“Brian, it was almost four years ago,” she said, softly. “There isn’t much sense going back in time.”

Brian was silent, halfway angry with her for not agreeing him but also understanding where she was coming from.

“I just…” he stammered, unable to find the words he wanted to say. “I miss you so much,” he finally told her. “It gets worse every day I’m not with you, and especially now; I can’t stand not being right there with you. You need someone there.”

“I have my family here, Brian,” she told him, then sighed. “I know you want to come, but I don’t think it would be a good idea.”

“Why not?” he asked. He knew his voice sounded whiny, but he couldn’t help it. All he wanted was to be by her side through all of this, and she wasn’t letting him. “Do you think it’s easy for me to pretend like everything’s okay when I know what you’re going through?”

Annie was silent on the other end, and Brian waited for her to say something. He knew she felt the same way he did - he knew her well enough to be able to tell. The real question was, however, whether she would admit it or not.

She’d always been the strong one of the two. Brian was always willing to do anything for her, and while he knew she loved him just as much, she was usually the one to be sensible, realizing that as much as they did miss each other while he was on tour, flying halfway across the country for a few hours together wasn’t very rational. It always just caused more pain than it was worth once they had to leave each other again.

“Annie, I wish I knew why I can’t let you go, but at the same time I don’t want to question it,” he confessed to her. “All I know is that I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“You know that can’t happen,” she quickly answered, causing a momentary silence between the two of them.

“Then let me spend the rest of your life with you,” he pleaded.

There was a silence on the other end, and he heard her let out a few quick breaths, which told him that she was beginning to cry. It felt like he had been punched in his gut because he knew he was the cause of her tears, but he couldn’t hide his feelings.

“Annie, you know I love you.”

“And you know that I love you, too,” she replied, “but we’ve both had different lives for a long time now, and the current circumstances shouldn’t change anything.”

“But it does!” Brian told her. “Please, Annie, listen to me. Not a day has gone by for the past four years that I haven’t thought of you. I love you more than I ever thought possible, and the idea that I won’t ever be able to tell you this again scares the hell out of me.” He paused as tears began to prick his eyes. “I’m so sorry this is happening to you, baby. I wish I could trade places with you, really I do.”

“Don’t say that Brian,” she said, the tears in her voice obvious.

“But it’s true,” he replied, equally as choked up. “I don’t know how I’m going to be able to keep on going without you here.”

“You will,” she told him, although her voice wasn’t very convincing.

Brian shook his head, no longer fighting his tears back. “I know it’s been a long time,” he told her, “but there was always the possibility, to me, that we could still end up happily ever after like we always talked about.”

“You had to know that wasn’t ever going to come true.”

Brian was silent for a moment, and she let out a small breath of air when she realized that she was wrong. “No, I never let myself admit that it wouldn’t happen,” he told her. “That’s how much I love you, Annie. Please, understand me.”

“Brian, I do understand you, but I can’t let us make this mistake. What we had, it’s in the past. You have a new life, with a new person, and I can’t let you throw that away just because one thing has changed. Now I need you to be strong, okay? I can’t handle this if I know you’re being torn apart all because of me.”

Brian was silent, knowing that she was right but not wanting to admit it. He knew he had to, though, so that he could give her that piece of mind. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he made her feel guilty, especially when he wasn’t sure if he would ever talk to her again.

“You’re right,” he finally said, his voice soft. “I'm sorry."

He could practically hear her smile through the phone. “Thank you,” she whispered, understanding that he had most likely only said those words because he knew she needed to hear them so badly. “You know I’ll always love you, but you need to find the closure that I’ve already found.”

“I will,” he assured her, hoping he’d be able to keep his word.

“All right,” she said, taking a deep breath. “Then I guess this is goodbye.”

Brian felt the tears welling up in his eyes, but he fought them back and forced himself to remain strong. “Yeah, I guess so.”

There was a slight pause, but Brian waited, knowing that he’d never be able to say it first.

“Goodbye, Brian.”

Brian closed his eyes, willing up all of his strength to say the two words. “Goodbye, Annie.”

As he hung up the phone, Brian felt like all of his dreams, everything he’d been holding onto, was coming crashing down on top of him. He knew she was right, of course, but it still killed him to hear the truth.