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Won’t you look down upon me, Jesus
You’ve got to help me make a stand
You’ve just got to see me through another day
My body’s aching and my time is at hand
I won’t make it any other way

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Leighanne couldn’t take it any longer. For the past week, Brian had locked himself up in his bedroom, refusing to talk to her or anyone else for that matter. And every night, she came upstairs to find her fiancé asleep on the bed, his eyes red and puffy from crying, while he clutched the same picture in his hand.

At the present moment, she was alone in the house, and she wasn’t sure if she could keep herself from panicking much longer.

Brian was no longer upstairs in the bedroom where he had been asleep earlier. Just after he had fallen asleep, she had gone over to her sister’s house for barely an hour, and when she had returned Brian was gone. There was no note, nothing to tell her where he had disappeared to.

Now, as she sat on the living room couch, she held the picture he’d been clutching earlier, staring at it as she tried to place the strange girl. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was almost one o’clock in the morning, and all jealousy she had previously been feeling disappeared as she realized Brian had been gone for more than five hours. At first she had told herself he was just going to one of the guy’s houses. Around eleven, though, she’d started to get worried, and after he didn’t answer his cell phone she’d called them all and they had all told her the same thing. He wasn’t with any of them, and they had no idea where he could be.

Suddenly Leighanne heard the back door open, and she saw his familiar figure stumble inside. He pulled his jacket off, throwing it onto a nearby chair before struggling with his shoes, then finally getting them off and throwing them to the ground next to the door.

“Brian?”

He froze, and his attention slowly turned to her as she stood in the doorway. Leighanne's heart skipped a beat when she saw his appearance. His eyes had the familiar look of being red and puffy, but they were also glazed over, a tell-tale sign that he had been drinking, something he’d never been good at covering up.

“Are you drunk?” she asked, worriedly.

Very rarely did her fiancé consume more than a few casual drinks, and she could count on one hand the amount of times she’d actually seen him drunk.

“Maybe,” he replied, stumbling past her into the living room.

Leighanne remained in the doorway, observing him from afar. His behavior was unnerving, and she wasn’t quite sure what to do. It was obvious he had a lot on his mind, but she didn’t know if having him drunk was the best time for him to talk about it.

“Where have you been?” she asked instead, hoping to avoid any argument.

“Out,” was his reply, short and to the point.

Leighanne frowned as she watched him slump into a chair, lowering his head so that his chin nearly touched his chest.

“Out?” she repeated, skeptically. “Out where?”

Brian slowly turned his attention towards her, locking eyes briefly with her before turning his head. “I don’t know,” he answered with a careless shrug. “A couple bars downtown.”

This surprised Leighanne even more, knowing how impossible it was for the guys to go anywhere public without making a huge scene.

“How did you do that?” she asked.

“I walked into a bar and ordered a drink,” he answered, sarcastically. “How do you think I did it?”

Realizing that she wasn’t going to get any intelligent conversation from him tonight, she walked back to the kitchen and shut off the light before returning to the living room, where Brian still remained in the chair.

“Why don’t you come to bed?” Leighanne asked. “We can talk in the morning.”

“I don’t feel like it,” he answered.

Which part of what she’d said he was answering, she wasn’t sure, but she frowned all the same. “Why not?” she asked.

He didn't answer, which drew out an annoyed sigh from Leighanne, who was close to giving up on him and going to bed by herself. But just as she was about to turn and leave the room, his voice stopped her.

“I don’t understand how God works sometimes.”

Leighanne looked at Brian with surprise at the comment that had just left his mouth. “What?”

Brian paused a moment before repeating himself. “I don’t understand how God works sometimes.”

Leighanne narrowed her eyebrows, thoroughly confused. Brian had always been the one to comfort the others when hard times came, assuring them that whatever was happening was all in God’s plan and in His best interest. Nothing happened without a reason, he’d always said.

“What do you mean?” she asked, not wanting to upset him any but very curious as to what he was getting at.

Brian let out a long sigh. “I know I always understood things before, but maybe I just hadn’t had something completely heartbreaking happen to me yet,” he reasoned. “Maybe my surgery and everything else was just a test to see how strong my faith was.”

“I thought it was unbreakable,” Leighanne replied softly, not sure if she wanted Brian to hear or not, but needing to say what she was feeling.

“So did I,” Brian mumbled.

Leighanne was surprised enough at that small implication that she was unable to find words to say, and she slowly took a seat on the couch, staring at her fiancé and wondering what was happening to him. This was scaring her more and more, and she realized it had to be something serious to cause this type of second-guessing within himself.

“Do you love me?”

Leighanne was taken back by the question. “What kind of question is that?” she asked him. “Of course I do.”

Brian lifted his head briefly, making eye contact with her, and the blank look on Brian’s face caused Leighanne’s heart to nearly stop. He turned his head away so he didn’t have to look at her any longer, and it took all of her strength not to break down right there.

“Brian?” she asked, her voice soft.

Brian didn’t turn his head, most likely realizing what the next words out of her mouth were going to be.

“Do you love me?”

It felt like an eternity to Leighanne until Brian turned his head to look at her, but when he finally did, all he saw was guilt and pain in them. Not what she had expected.

“Leigh, you know I do,” he told her, leaning forward in the chair and then reaching out, taking her hand in his. “You know you mean the world to me, but…things change. I was so head over heels for you when we first met, but something inside me’s different now.”

“What?” Leigh asked. “What’s different?”

“I don’t know,” Brian replied, answering almost too quickly as he let go of her hand.

The sudden lack of his touch caused Leighanne’s heart to drop. Something inside of her told her that their lives were about to change dramatically.

“She was the love of my life,” he mumbled, his voice cracking as tears began to flow from his eyes once again.

“Who was?” Leighanne asked, ignoring the pain she was feeling inside.

“Annie,” he answered, reaching into his pocket for something, then getting a confused look on his face when what he was looking for wasn’t there.

“Looking for this?”

Brian looked up and got a shocked look on his face when he saw the picture in her hands, and when he met her eyes, Leighanne saw how scared he was.

“Where was it?” he asked, his voice low.

“You left it on the night table,” she told him. “I’ve put it there every night.”

Brian looked confused, which Leighanne had figured he would.

“I come upstairs every night and find you the same way,” she told him. “I can tell you’re crying, and you’re always holding onto that picture.”

For a few minutes, Brian just stared at the picture in his hands, and Leighanne began to wonder what was really going on inside his head. Suddenly a tear slowly fell down his cheek, and he looked over at her.

“I’m so sorry, Leigh,” he whispered, looking her straight in the eye. “I never meant for this to happen,” he told her. “I swear, I never meant for it.”

Leighanne was still confused as ever. “What happened?” she asked.

Brian sighed and looked back at the picture in his hands. “I can’t love you,” he told her, softly. “I haven’t been able to love anyone for four years.”

Leighanne was speechless, unable to form words. She’d jumped to conclusions, came up with every excuse for Brian to be acting the way he was, but for one of them to actually come true was heartbreaking.

“I--I'm sorry,” Brian stammered. “I know it’s sudden, but I’ve just been hiding it for so long…”

“You’re kidding, right?”

Brian looked at Leighanne was sadness in his eyes, and Leighanne’s heart nearly broke in two.

“You’re not,” she whispered, lowering her head in shame. “You really don’t love me.”

“I do love you, Leigh,” Brian told her. “Just not enough; not in the way you need me to.”

Leighanne shook her head as he talked, and finally lifted it when he was finished. “I can’t believe this,” she said.

She stared at him for a moment before turning and leaving the room. All of the emotions she was feeling were wavering inside her stomach, and she felt like she was going to lose it’s contents any second. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined that this would happen. She knew Brian was upset about something, but this wasn’t anything she could have suspected.

Her heart was barely beating through her sorrow, but she heard Brian sobbing in the other room, and realized she still didn’t know what was causing him to act this way.

Even though he had totally devastated her, she loved him with all of her heart. Throughout their entire three-year relationship, Brian had always treated her like a queen. He’d never hurt her intentionally, and she knew that for a fact. That’s why, despite the amount of pain and shock she was going through, she knew she couldn’t leave his side. He was a complete mess, that was obvious, and she loved him too much to leave him like he was.

As soon as he felt her hand on his shoulder, Brian’s head lifted, and their eyes met. The pain she saw in his eyes was awful, and it suddenly wasn’t that hard to want to stay by his side. She’d been there for three years now, and she knew this was the last time she ever would be again.

“What happened?” she finally asked. “I want you to tell me what this is about.”

Brian continued to stare at her, his eyes full of sorrow but still unsure and curious as to why she had returned to his side.

“Just tell me the truth,” she told him, pleading. “Please, just tell me the truth.” She was so tired of not knowing what was really going on…she just wanted to know the truth.

Brian lowered his head for a moment. “Someone I used to be very close to died,” he said, letting out a loud sigh.

“Who?” Leighanne asked.

Brian hesitated before finally saying her name. “Suzanne,” he whispered. “Annie is dead.”

Even after he said it, Brian couldn’t really believe it. He’d tried to deny it ever since he’d found out, not really wanting to admit it to himself let alone anyone else, but once he’d said it out loud, it was like it was finally for real. Tears pricked his eyes, but this time it was for a different reason. He never wanted to hurt Leighanne; she’d always been so supportive of him and helped him whenever he needed her. Now he’d put her in a position that would undoubtedly hurt her more than ever.

“Who is Annie?” she asked, calmly.

Brian was surprised at her calmness, but was also hesitant. “She was my girlfriend from back home,” he finally said, his voice soft and timid. “We were together for the first few years I was in the group.”

Leighanne forced herself not to jump to conclusions, telling herself that there had to be a reasonable explanation why this mysterious woman’s death was affecting her fiancé so much. She didn’t say anything, not quite sure what to say, and Brian lifted his head when he realized she hadn’t spoken yet. The look on her face told Brian that she was still confused, but to his relief there wasn’t anger in her eyes, just worry and uncertainty.

“She was diagnosed with cancer just after we broke up,” he continued. “When I found out I went back home to see her, and when I did, I realized that I never stopped loving her. I can’t explain it, she was just absolutely perfect, and I always felt so alive when I was with her…”

He trailed off, but Leighanne knew he wasn’t finished. Finally he lifted his head and took a deep breath, ready to continue.

“She beat it after two and a half years, and went into remission, but about three months ago she called me,” he explained. “She told me that it was back, and it was worse, and she only a few months left to live.” He paused momentarily, wiping at his eyes and fighting for composure. “I just never thought it’d happen so fast.”

He began to cry again, and Leighanne frowned. She’d never heard him talk that way about herself, or what they had together. Granted, he’d never said anything negative about her or their relationship, always stating how happy he was and how excited he was to get married, but the way he talked about this other woman, with the emotions in his voice and the way his eyes danced; she could tell this was a side he had hidden from her, and for good reason.

“So because Annie is dead, you don’t want to be with me anymore?”

Brian looked up at her with an apologetic look. “I’m so sorry, Leigh,” he told her. “I never wanted to hurt you, I swear I didn’t. It’s killing me that you’re finding out about all of this right now, but I tried. I tried so hard. It just didn’t work.”

“What didn’t work?” Leighanne asked. “Brian, you’re confusing me more than anything.”

Brian sniffled and nodded his head, understanding that she was confused. “I tried to do what she told me,” he explained. “I tried to move on and just cherish the memories I had of us, but it wasn’t the same. I just couldn’t do it, and now she’s gone and I’ll never see her again.”

He broke into a sobs then, letting his face drop into his hands and leaning forward onto his knees. Despite the circumstances, Leighanne’s heart broke for him, and she reached out, putting a soft hand on his back. At first he tensed up a bit and looked at her, not sure what she was doing, but when he realized that she was there for him, that the love she felt for him was unwavering no matter what, he began to sob harder.

Leighanne pulled him into her arms and rocked him slowly like he had done with her so many times; when her sister was diagnosed with cancer, or her grandmother died. He’d always been there for her in her times of need, and she would be there for him, too.

“It feels like a part of me is dead,” he sobbed, looking at her with sadness and guilt in his eyes. “I know you don’t understand this, but I hope you realize that I tried, I really do love you, Leigh. I just can’t love anyone the right way.”

Leighanne didn’t say anything as he clung to her tightly, desperately needing the support she was offering, but she allowed a weak smile to cross her face. She knew she was doing the right thing, being there for him; she loved him with all of her heart, and even though he’d just hurt her very much, she knew that her life would go on.

Right now, Brian was on the verge of falling apart, he needed her more than he’d ever needed her before, and she wasn’t going to let him down.

“All in due time,” Leighanne assured him, finally able to find her voice. “All in due time.”


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought I’d see you, baby, one more time again, now

Thought I’d see you one more time again
There’s just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I’d see you
Thought I’d see you
Fire and rain now…


All lyrics from “Fire and Rain” by James Taylor

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