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Chapter 119:

Nastasia went into the bedroom as soon as she got back to the hotel. She had been completley silent on the way home. As soon as she got into the room she slammed and locked the door. Making sure no one could possibly bother her.

Howie didn't know what he could possibly do to help her, she wouldn't let him into their room and all he wanted to do was just be there for her and hold her and she wouldn't even let him do that much.

Nastasia slipped into her bag that she always brought to the concert arena. She gently lifted an old shoebox out of the bag, holding it she sat down on her bed. She felt the tears start to drip down her cheeks as she stared at the old box.

She had kept the box since she was a child and over the years, she kept adding more and more pictures and little things into it. Things her mother had given her and most of all, happy pictures of her and her mother. Memories that were now stabbing Nastasia in the heart.

The first laying on top was one of Nastasia's first pictures. It was taken several minutes after she had been born. Of course her father had been at a bar that night, but Nastasia's mother smiled happily as she kissed her daughter's forehead. Nastasia felt the tears continue to slide.

She flipped through a few more pictures and came across one that made her heart shatter. It was of her mother and her standing in the living-room, the most happy expressions on both their faces. They were each holding hair brushes and using them as microphones as they sang and danced around. Nastasia's mother had always shared her dream of performing with Nastasia and she always encouraged Nastasia to follow the dream also. It was her mother who had gotten her into performing.

"Why couldn't you just leave him?!" Nastasia finally yelled, her anger bursting through the sorrow, "We could have survived on our own! But no! You didn't leave, we could have left together Momma!"

Through pure anger, Nastasia ripped the picture into pieces and threw it to the ground. She looked with hate at the rest of pictures pilled together in the box and hurled it against the wall. "I hate you! You could have left him! I hate you!"

Suddenly her anger turned even worse. She looked around the room, she just wanted to hurt something as much as she hurt at that moment. She glanced over at a flower vase, with one swift movement she hurled it by the wall where her pictures had fluttered to the ground. It smashed into a million pieces, like her heart had shattered.

"I hate you! I hate you!" she cried over and over again as she slid to the floor and hugged her knees close to her chest.

"Nastasia!" She heard someone pound on the door. Nastasia let out a scream and continued to cry harder.

"Nastasia! OPEN THE DOOR!"

Nastasia glanced at the door then shook her head, she glanced back at the slivers of glass lying around her pictures. How easy it would be to join her mother. She bit down on her lips as she rubbed the back of her neck, feeling the scar.

"DAMNIT NASTASIA! OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!!!"

"Leave me alone..." Nastasia whispered, "Everyone leave me alone..."

"NASTASIA! OPEN THE DOOR!!!"

"I'm FINE!" Nastasia screamed back, trying to drown out the pounding.

"NO YOU ARE NOT! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!"

"I'm not opening the door!" Nastasia yelled hoarsly as tears choked her voice.

"DAMNIT NASTASIA! PLEASE!"

Nastasia hesitated for a moment, she glanced from the pictures to the glass, how easy... Then she glanced back at the door, the pounding and yelling were becoming mixed with sobs.

"BABY PLEASE! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!"

Nastasia stood up shakily, she glanced back and forth once more. "I..."

"PLEASE BABY...I'M BEGGING YOU! OPEN THE DOOR!"

Sighing heavily at the thought she wiped the tears away as much as she could. Taking a deep breath of air she unlocked the door, then went back to the bed.

The door burst open and Howie stood in the doorway, his chest heaving as tears rolled down his cheeks. Nastasia's heart jumped, he looked worried sick about her.

"Howie..." Nastasia whispered as she glanced up at him. He glanced from the pictures, to the glass, then back to her.

"What the-" Howie murmured as he stared at Nastasia with shock.

"I got mad." Nastasia answered stiffly.

"Stazzie..."

Nastasia knew he wanted to help her, but she didn't know how someone could help her. "What Howie?"

"Why did you do that?" Howie questioned with worry as he shut the door and walked closer to her.

"I got mad."

"That's no excuse," Howie answered, anger seeping through his voice. This was just all too familiar to him and he was extremely worried now, that he was becoming angry.

"It's an excuse for me." Nastasia snapped back.

"How can you say that Nastasia?!"

"I open my mouth and words come out...simple task..." Nastasia replied, her sarcasm coating over her words.

"Funny," Howie replied angrily with the same amount of sarcasm as he rolled his eyes.

"I'm always a riot when someone dies in my family."

"Nastasia! Stop it!"

"Stop WHAT?!"

"Stop what you're doing!"

"I'm sitting on the bed! That's all I'm doing!"

"You know what I'm talking about!"

Nastasia eyed Howie hatefully, "Why does everyone assume I know EVERYTHING!"

"Nobody assumes you know everything Nastasia!"

"Well everyone yells at me to stop what I'm doing, and I don't know what I'm doing! So, you guys are assuming!" Nastasia answered as she looked out the hallway, there was all the guys, plus Denise and Lauren.

"Look at what you've just done. Do not tell me you don't know what you're doing!" Howie shouted, his anger pouring out of him uncontrobally.

"Howie...yelling at her is not helping the problem." Kevin interjected from the doorway.

"What the hell do you expect me to do?"

"Calm down for one." Denise answered.

"I don't want her to hurt herself!"

"I wasn't going to hurt myself!" Nastasia answered, hating the fact that they were talking like she wasn't even in the room.

"That's bullshit and you know it! " Howie shouted again, looking down at the broken glass. Images were flashing through his mind. He knew exactly what she was planning on doing. "Suicide isn't worth it damnit! It's not fucking worth it!" He held his wrist in front of her face. "I have to live with this the rest of my Goddamn life because I was a fucking idiot and made a stupid decision, but you! How the hell could you even think about it?!"

"I..." Nastasia backed up. She looked at everyone who was staring at her. She didn't know what to say. She went to run out of the room, but AJ grabbed her, he wasn't letting go.

"No Stazzie," A.J answered, holding onto both her arms tightly, the fear showing in his eyes.

"I want-" Nastasia didn't have the strength to break his grip.

"You want what?"

"I want my mom." She sniffled.

"I know you do," A.J whispered as he wrapped his arms around her.

"She could have left with me JJ, she could have left with me." Nastasia repeated over and over.

"I know...I know..."

"Why didn't she? Why did she suffer there?"

"I don't know..."

"It wasn't fair...I should have been there JJ, I should have been there." Nastasia answered, her eyes briming over with more tears.

"No Stazzie, you were smart to leave. It was the best decision you could have made."

"But he never would have hit her if I was there...for the longest time...he'd never go near her...It was always me...it was always me..."

"Don't use that as an excuse Stazzie. Do not use that as an excuse for what your father did."

"But AJ-"

"No Stazzie, you're alway trying to make up excuses for other peoples' wrong doings."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are. Whether you want to face it or not."

"I'm sorry." Nastasia whispered suddenly.

"It's ok..."

"No it's not...I'm making you sad JJ, and everyone else...It's all my fault..."

"No it's not Stazzie."

"I should be acting way better...I'm so sorry..." Nastasia sniffled.

"Sweetheart...don't apologize," A.J whispered.

"I just want everything to be normal JJ." Nastasia sniffled as she hugged him.

"I know you do, and it's going to be a long time before things get back to normal, but eventually it will. "

"Promise?" Nastasia asked, she usually never asked for promises. Only because she knew they'd always be broken in the end, but this time was different.

"I promise with all my heart," A.J smiled softly.

"That's a good thing..." Nastasia answered, a small smile spreading across her pale face.

"I see I'm not needed here anymore, not like I was to begin with, " Howie said quietly as he brushed his way past A.J and everyone.

"Howie!" Lauren yelled as she quickly caught up to him. She stopped him quickly as AJ still held onto Nastasia tightly.

"What?" Howie questioned as he turned around to glare at Lauren.

"Look, you are too needed." Lauren answered in a hushed tone as she blocked Howie's path.

"How do you figure?" Howie questioned again, without emotion.

"Nastasia gets defensive when you yell at her, she's like AJ when it comes to that. But I heard what happened at the park..."

"What do you mean you heard what happened?"

"Alex told me that she went running, but you called after her. Howie, she stopped because you wanted her to. She does listen to you, but you have to be calm. She just lost her mother, that she didn't even know. It's harder on her than anyone. You just have to talk quietly with her, calm her down like Alex did."

"But she never seems to listen to me..." Howie whispered.

"She will sweetie. She will." Lauren promised.

"If you say so, but I don't want to get in her way right now because she has A.J to help her out, so she doesn't need me around at the moment," Howie whispered and began walking away.

"Howard Dwaine!" Lauren yelped as she grabbed ahold of his arm once again, "That is your wife, YOU need to help her. NOT AJ."

"Not the way she sees it, now let go."

"How do you know that's not the way she sees it?"

"Let go of my arm Lauren."

"Come on Howie, just talk to her." Lauren replied as she released Howie's arm.

"She doesn't need to talk to me right now. She's got A.J. I'll talk to her later."

"You're fooling yourself." Lauren replied.

"Actually, I think this is the first clear desision I've made since I married her. Sometimes I think that she married the wrong person...Her and AJ are joined at the hip." Howie answered.

"Howie-"

"Bye." Howie replied walking off.