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Chapter 47:

Howie stopped for a second, his blood running cold. Had he heard A.J right? No, he couldn't have. No possible way. " That's not fucking funny! " he hissed, his eyes turning darker.

" You think I'm joking? " A.J laughed cruely.

" Nastasia put you up to this. It isn't fucking funny and you can tell her that. " Howie's breathing became shakey as he stared at his friend. He couldn't believe this...

" Maybe if you would pull your head out of your ass, you would realize I'm not joking, " A.J hissed, his anger level rising with each second that Howie wouldn't listen.

" That's not true, no, it's not, " Howie mumbled, shaking his head as he broke his gaze away from A.J. He could feel himself growing weak as A.J's words began to sink in.

" Wether you want to believe it or not, it is. But I don't see why you would care. Like you said, you don't love her anymore. You wish you would have never married her in the first place, so Stazzie talking about divorce should make you happy. "

Brian stood there silently, wincing at the harsh words A.J was spitting at his friend. Everything had shocked him and he didn't know what to say.

" I... "

" You what? "

" I... "

" You what? Spit it out D, or maybe you can't because it's a lie. What, are you trying to say that you care now? Well, that's hard to believe and I can't say that I believe you, and that's nobody's fault but you're own. " The harsh words began flowing from A.J's mouth without his realization. He was just so angry that his mind wasn't running straight anymore. " You know something, I can't believe you would even treat Stazzie this way. You've really shocked me, after all she's been through for you. Damnit D, she loves you to death, and she committed her life to you the day she married your sorry ass. "

Howie backed against the wall as A.J verbally smacked him in the face, in all, it was more painful than if A.J would have physically smacked him. He could feel his eyes began to water, but he tried with all his might to hold it back.

" I thought you were different man. You're just pathetic, that's what you are. Let me tell you something, this is going to be the biggest mistake you've ever made in your whole life, and it's going to be one that you're not going to be able to fix. You're going to lose Stazzie and you're going to lose your daughter, all because you were too fucking stubborn to chill and leave well enough alone when you should of. "

Howie slid to the floor slowly as all reality set in. He felt dizzy as his head exploded with thoughts of everything that had happened. Their honeymoon and the first time he had discovered the scar, that damn scar. And how they had gotten in fights over it, he had caused the fights. Then he tried to end it all, his car, the tree. He had the chance, he was going to take that chance, but he didn't.

" Oh god... " Howie choked as a tear slid down his flushed cheek. His whole body began to ache. He shook greatly as sobs over-took him and he began to cry freely, his anger melting away like the sun beating down on a patch of snow.

A.J bit his lower lip and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. Maybe he had gone a little too far with his choice of words and he shouldn't have said all that he had said.

" D... "

" I should have ended it all, I had...I had the chance to end it all but I didn't, because I loved...I loved her. But I should have ended it all... " Howie sobbed, burrying his head in his hands. " I-it would have been better if I would have ended it... "

" What? " Brian asked with surprise, the worry coating his voice.

" I should have ended it, I should have... "

" You guys have got five minutes, " the stage manager stated as he rushed by, not paying attention to the fact that there was something wrong with Howie.

" Don't talk like that D, you shouldn't have ended it and you're not going to. I am not gonna stand by and watch you try to take your life again, that's just not gonna happen. You got it? " Brian ordered as he became more worried and bent down, placing his hands on Howie's shoulders. " Listen to me D, you got it?! "

Howie tried to take in a deep breath, but it only came short and shakey, and his eyes shut, he didn't want to face his friends, he didn't deserve them as friends. Lauren was right; he didn't deserve Nastasia.

" D, open your eyes and listen to me! " Brian ordered again as he smacked Howie's face a bit. " You aren't going to give up on this 'cause I ain't gonna let you. You are NOT going to give up. "

Howie nodded slightly, still not looking directly at Brian. He was too far lost in his own thoughts.

" Ok, I know you don't want to hear this, but we've got a show to do. And you're going to get up, calm yourself down so you don't make a fool out of yourself up on stage, and you're going to go out there and give an awesome performance. You're going to go out there and focus on nothing but performing, because after this show, we are going to get everything settled. Nothing else will be acceptable, got it? "

" Yeah, " Howie said hoarsly, his voice barely audible.

" C'mon D, you're gonna do great, " Brian tried to encourage as he helped his friend up. Howie needed all the encouragement he could get.

*****

It was far from the best concert they had ever given. Their harmonies were fine, but the energy level was down a bit. Nastasia wasn't into the dancing at all and it looked like she would rather be anywhere else but there.

The whole time Howie kept a steady watch on her, wishing with all his heart that it was he who was dancing with her. But it wasn't.

Everyone felt relieved to be back at the hotel after the concert. Everyone could use some relaxation time. They had all headed to their rooms once they arrived at the hotel.

" Hello? " A.J called as he walked into his mother's hotel room. He had a lot on his mind and he needed to talk.

Alexandria giggled as she crawled over to him, begging to be picked up.

A.J obliged and scooped up the child, lifting her shirt and giving her raspberries on her tummy. " You are such a little rugrat, " he laughed as he placed her back down. Then he walked over to Nastasia who was laying on one of the beds and staring at the tv absentmindedly. " How ya feelin' Stazzie? "

" Like shit JJ, like complete shit because my life is crashing around me, " Nastasia mumbled.

A.J sat down beside her. " This is gonna work out... "

" I wish I could believe that JJ... "

" It's going to work out Stazzie. "

Just then, the door opened and Denise walked in, carrying two cans of pop. " Hey Alex... "

" Can I speak to you out in the hall for a minute Mom? "

Denise nodded and A.J escorted her out the door.

" Is everything alright? "

" It's depends on what you're talking about. Listen, I need you to do me an important favor. "

" What would that be? "

" Go talk to Howie. "

" Why? "

" Because he needs someone like you to talk to and...I said some stuff to him earlier tonight. "

" What did you say? "

" Probably some stuff I shouldn't have said. "

Denise frowned at her son, knowing he could say some harsh stuff when he was angry. " Alex...what did you say? "

" Some stuff I probably shouldn't have, " A.J repeated. " But I'm worried about him. He - well, I just think you need to go talk to him, his life could depend on it... "

" Alex, what do you mean? " Denise asked with great worry in her voice.

" He started talking about suicide... "

Denise's heart stopped as her eyes grew wide with worry. " Oh god... "

" Will you go talk to him? "

" Yes, of course. I'm going right now. "

*****

Howie buried his head deeper into the pillow as he lay resting on one side of the bed. The moment he had stepped foot back into the hotel, he headed straight to his hotel room and locked the door. He was aching badly, aching from everything he had done wrong, every problem he had caused.

All he could think about was what A.J had said before the concert. It all hurt so bad, but that was because it was the truth and he was facing it.

'...but I don't see why you would care. Like you said, you don't love her anymore. You wish you would have never married her in the first place, so Stazzie talking about divorce should make you happy...I can't believe you would even treat Stazzie this way. You've really shocked me, after all she's been through for you. Damnit D, she loves you to death, and she committed her life to you the day she married your sorry ass...I thought you were different man. You're just pathetic, that's what you are. Let me tell you something, this is going to be the biggest mistake you've ever made in your whole life, and it's going to be one that you're not going to be able to fix. You're going to lose Stazzie and you're going to lose your daughter, all because you were too fucking stubborn to chill and leave well enough alone when you should of... '

Howie pounded his fist hard onto the bed as he cried out in agony as the words repeated themselves over and over in his tired head. He had deserved it though. He didn't deserve Nastasia and A.J was making him see that.

He couldn't imagine living his life without her, or his daughter. They were his whole life, they became a necessity he needed to live. He didn't even know what kind of evil possessed him when he said he wished he never would have married her. Because those words weren't true. They weren't his words.

But it was obvious Nastasia had already made up her mind. He had hurt her again emotionally and now she hated him. She was through with him and wanted a divorce, all because he pushed her too hard to tell him something that she didn't want to tell, all because he was worried. Not only was he losing his soul mate, he was losing his daughter, his pride and joy. He didn't want to go on living without either of them.

A sudden knock at the door made Howie jump up to the sitting position with surprise. He stared in a zombie like form at the door, not making a move to answer it.

" Howie, it's Denise! " Denise called from the other side of the door as she kept knocking.

" Go away, " Howie whispered, his eyes welling up with tears. He didn't want to see or talk to anyone. He just wanted everything to end. He wanted to put an end to it.

" Howard, open the door! " Denise called again, she began to pound on the door.

Howie just sat there staring.

" Howard Dwaine Dorough! Open this door right NOW! " Denise shouted as she pounded on the door harder, her heart beating rapidly with panic.

Finally, Howie forced himself to stand up and walk over to the door. He fumbled with the lock, for his hand was shaking, but he was finally able to open it. He stumbled backwards as the door flew open and Denise walked in.

" I don't want to talk right now, " Howie found himself grumbling as he stared at the floor.

" I don't care wether you want to or not. We're going to talk because you need to, " Denise stated firmly, but softly as she shut the door. She guided Howie over to the bed and they sat down.

" I don't need to talk, I'm fine. "

" Sweetie, when you talk about suicide, you are not fine. "

Howie scuffed. " So A.J told you huh? "

" Yes, and thank God he did. "

Howie shook his head angrily. " Of course, anything that is about me or somebody else, you tell about. But if it's about Nastasia, it's all secrets and lies! "

" Howie, that's- "

" No, it's the truth so don't try to deny it, damnit. "

" Howie- "

" No, geez. Why are you here anyways? "

" Because I want to know what's on your mind and what you're feeling. I'm not going to sit around and let you hurt yourself or even worse, take your own life. "

" I don't see why you would want to know. I figured you'd hate me after all I've done... "

" Sweetheart, I don't hate you. I never have and I never will. I'm just dissappointed about your actions you've made. "

" Isn't everyone. "

" With that attitude, yes. "

" That's not surprising. Everyone is against me. "

" That's not true. "

" Well that's surprising. "

" They're just as surprised as I am. "

Howie looked away and rested his elbows on his knees, letting out a sad sigh. He was feeling more crappy with every passing second, he longed to be with his love, and he missed his daughter terribly, even though he had seen her before they arrived back at the hotel.

" I was only worried about her, " he whispered, not able to get himself to look up at Denise.

" I know you were, and I know you still are, " Denise replied, watching Howie with worry. " And I know you still love her... "

Howie nodded slowly without a word, then he looked up at Denise, his eyes filled with fresh tears. He was losing control again.

" I don't want to lose her. I don't want to lose Stazzie, Denise. I don't want to lose Alexandria. I can't bere to think about not having them in my life. They're everything I live for, they're the reason I wake up every morning and breath. I can't live without them, I...can't... " Howie sobbed, his voice breaking and he began to cry as Denise wrapped her arms around him.