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Chapter 57:

Nastasia sat quietly by the bed watching as Howie stirred restlessly as he slept. He seemed to be tumbling through nightmare after nightmare, ones that were causing him to break out in feverish sweats. She was worried that it was being caused from the pain medication he had taken.

She had been sitting by his side since she had arrived back at the hotel, she was afraid to leave. When she had burst into the room, she found everyone gathered around in silence, no one knew what to think of everything that had happened.

Nastasia had almost collapsed when she walked into the room. She was shocked by his appearance, he was so pale. It all seemed too familiar - images of when she had found A.J after he had tried to overdose, flashed before her eyes.

Now she sat all alone by his side, everyone had piled from the room, knowing she needed time alone with him. A.J and Nick promised her they would be waiting outside the door and all she had to do was call for them.

Numerous sobs caught in her throat as she reached a hand out and moved some hair out of his face. He looked to be in complete agony, and seemed to shutter from her touch.

Her eyes traveled down to his bandaged wrist and she felt the tears gather in her eyes. she was the cause of the injury, she had caused him to do this to himself and it made her sick.

Nastasia could feel her emotions getting the better of her and she felt the need to get out. She stood up and forced herself to walk towards the door, not wanting to look back.

Suddenly, Howie began to moan softly in his sleep, but his moans soon turned to sobs and he began to cry out, tossing and turning, making the sheets a tangled mess.

" Stazzie, please! I'm sorry! Don't go! I love you so much baby! Please don't leave me! Stazzie! " Howie shouted, his eyes fluttering under their lids.

Nastasia jumped from his outburst, it frightened her. Her eyes were coated with worry as she watched him seem to struggle in his dream.

" No! Stazzie! Please baby, I'm sorry! Don't go! " he begged furiously, his good hand gripping the sheets.

Nastasia rushed back over to him in complete worry. She grabbed hold of his good hand and squeezed it tightly, and began stroking the side of his face gently with her other hand.

" Howie, sweetie, wake up, " she tried to sooth.

" Please don't leave Stazzie! " Howie begged again, his eyes clentched shut.

" Baby, wake up! Please wake up! " Nastasia pleaded, tears trickling down her cheeks. " I'm not gonna leave. Please wake up! "

Small beads of sweat rolled down the sides of Howie's temples as his body slowly relaxed and he sobbed quietly, still not awake. He looked like a small, scared child, laying there so helplessly.

" Please wake up, " Nastasia pleaded again, her heart shattering for the hundreth time.

His eye lids began to flutter quickly again, but they slowly parted open, and his soft, tear-coated brown eyes, stared up at her. " S-Stazzie? " he mumbled hoarsly. " You're here... "

" And I'm not gonna leave, " Nastasia replied, relieved she had pulled him from his nightmarish dream and he was awake. She tightened her grip on his hand. " I'm not gonna leave... "

A small, not very noticable smile, formed around the edges of Howie lips as he stared up at her, his eyes still drooping from drowsiness. A few tears still spilled from the corners of his eyes. " Thank-you, " he whispered.

Nastasia felt her heart ache as she sat down back on the bed. Howie still looking at her intently, like he was afraid to go back to sleep. She broke her gaze for just a moment to see the rings laying on the floor by a bloody piece of glass. She couldn't understand anything, "Why Howie?"

" Huh? " Howie mumbled, his eyes searching her face, recieving all the emotion it animated.

"Why take your life?" Nastasia choked out, she watched a curl fall into his face. Softly she brushed it away, her eyes casted with hurt.

" Because... " Howie muttered quietly in reply, finally breaking his gaze with her.

"I see..." Nastasia replied, sensing something distant in him. She wished she could just kiss him, make things better. She sighed softly as she stood and sat in the chair near his bed.

Howie watched hurtfully as she did so. His heart began to ache more, not having her sitting next to him, and he knew he was upsetting her. That's what he always seemed to do.

"Look Howie, I'm really sorry..."

" Why should you be sorry? "

"Because..." Nastasia sniffed as tears threatened her ocean eyes, "I feel like all of this is my fault...and I know it is..."

" No... " Howie whispered, bitting his bottom lip to keep from crying.

"You always were bad at lying." Nastasia sniffled with a cruel laugh, more at herself than Howie. "I know what I've done. And I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, or for you to hurt yourself. I was doing what I thought you wanted..."

" What I wanted? " Howie asked, the confusion clouding his eyes.

"Yeah..." Nastasia answered, her eyes glancing at the carpet. She could still see the blood stain from Howie. She felt her heart stab with regret. She never should have left, never.

" All I ever wanted was you. " Howie was beginning to hate that she was blaming herself for what he had done. It was his decision, not hers.

"But our fights- "

" We were both at fault for those. "

"Mostly mine though...I should have told you...I should have opened up...But I didn't...I was so stupid..." Nastasia laughed cruely. "God, I guess daddy was right...I am an infection..."

" No Stazzie, don't talk like that. "

"Look at what you did though. I never wanted to hurt you. I got Kevin beat up, twice in fact...I can't make any use of anything anymore. Alexia does't even love me anymore...I don't know what else I can handle without screwing it up." Nastasia answered truthfully, the first time she had ever really opened up to Howie.

" I did what I did because I love you... "

"How can you justify love with killing yourself? Who are you? Romeo?"

" I can't live without you, that's how I justify it, " Howie answered, the knot in his stomach tying tighter.

"Howie-" Nastasia couldn't find the words in her mouth. She felt her heart pounding with an intense rhythm.

" I can't live without you, " Howie whispered.

"I can't either..."

" I don't want to lose us Stazzie. "

"Me either, but you were so angry at me..."

" I was more worried than anything, and I was frustrated. I mean, we're supposed to trust each other and you didn't tell me anything. You lied instead. "

"I didn't want to talk about it. It hurt to think of those things. It still does. I don't understand, I tried not to lie. I hated every minute of it, but that's all I know Howie."

" I thought you could trust me...I was worried sick about you, I was trying to care... "

"I can trust you. I just don't need to think about those things. They tear me up inside. I've had these breakdowns...they're not good for me. So I just block out my past, refusing to awknowlege it." Nastasia answered, she didn't know whether she should sit back on the bed, or stay.

" If I would have known, I wouldn't have pushed you so hard to tell me. I was just worried... "

"I'm sorry..." Nastasia replied as tears started to rain down her red cheeks. Her eyes sparked with sorrow as she looked at Howie.

" Oh god, Stazzie...don't cry, " Howie choked, he just wanted to reach out and hold her.

"I'm just so scared...I love you...I do..." Nastasia sniffled as more tears rained down her cheeks.

" Stazzie, I love you too. "

"I d-d-don't want to leave you either..."

" Then stay, " Howie whispered, finding himself struggling to stay awake.

"I will..." Nastasia answered softly as she leaned down towards him. She placed a kiss on his warm forehead. "You look tired though...Maybe I should let you rest..."

Howie shook his head. " Only if you stay with me. "

Nastasia rolled her eyes, "You always drove a hard bargin. "

" I won't rest if you don't stay, " Howie stated, giving her puppy eyes, making her melt. " But I'm serious, please stay. "

"Okay, you sleep and I'll clean this mess up..." Nastasia answered.

" No, sit with me. "

"Fine." Nastasia laughed as she sat on the edge of the bed. She looked at Howie, the soft glimmer returning to her beautiful eyes. "Better?"

" Not quite... "

"Need more medication?"

" No... "

"Then what is it?"

" A kiss. "

"Oh, one of those..." Nastasia laughed.

Howie grinned at her. " Please? "

"Sure." She leaned in and placed a tender kiss on his lips, inviting the taste and warmness of him. Making her heart pound with an intense rhythm.