Nicky
The ride to the airport was a silent one. As silent as any ride I had ever taken as one of the Backstreet Boys. The tension was thick in the air, but yet no one said a word. I clung onto my wife’s hand as if only it were separating me from a crevice ready to swallow me whole. Kevin sat next to us staring out the window occasionally stopping his gaze long enough to bite his nails.
AJ and Sarah sat in the seats ahead of us, Sarah resting her head on AJ’s shoulders as he tried to smoke, careful to blow the smoke away from her face and instead hitting Howie who in turn made a disgusted face and an overly exaggerated cough.
It was Nick’s silence that was the hardest to handle because in that silence I heard his worries, fears and anxieties about this trip. When our management told us we were heading off to Philadelphia for the Black and Blue tour we all just kind of looked at each other as if he had said we were sinking down into the lower depths of hell.
We avoided Philly as much as possible. We managed to get around doing shows in Philadelphia on the Into the Millennium tour by playing around other parts of Pennsylvania instead. It was pretty easy to avoid because after we eventually dumped Lou and all the trash that went along with him, Denise was left to manage us and she would not let us go anywhere near that place.
Unfortunately when we underwent a huge management shift, we had two choices either bring the past back to life or just pretend that nothing happened and whenever you are asked to do anything in Philly, let one of the other guys handle it just not me or Nick. That was easy enough. We didn’t think about how it would affect the tour.
After what had felt like hours of looking at each other, the guy helping us plan our little tour grew impatient and demanded to know what was wrong. It was Kevin who spoke first, “We don’t do Philly” He said it in his I have the final word voice. The one that was usually so effective.
“You don’t do Philly?” The guy almost mocked him which of course made Kevin mad. “Look you don’t understand just trust me, we aren’t doing a show there!”
“Well since I don’t understand, why don’t you explain it to me?”
“There’s nothing to explain” Nick said; his own way of letting Kevin know he wanted his secret kept just that…a secret. As if to make double sure Kevin then glanced in my direction and I nodded at him. I wasn’t ready for this all to come up again especially not to these people.
“Well?” Brandon looked over at us, you could tell he wanted to throw his hands up in the air and be done with us and our stupid demands and needs. If only he knew.
“It’s just something we can’t do”
“Do you want to explain that to all of your fans? Or better yet your record company?”
Jive knew all about what had happened to us but like ever other big soulless corporation they really didn’t much care. To them enough time had gone by and we had run out of excuses for avoiding our demons. “So I guess that means no… you don’t want to let your fans down right?” Then he turned to me as if deep down he knew the whole story, “Right?”
Before I could come up with something to say, something that would get us out of the situation, Nick beat me to it, “It’s okay…we’ll go to Philly that’s fine” I felt my heart skip a beat, I turned to him in disbelief, “What?”
He felt bad; I could see it on his face. “Is it okay Brian?”
Was it okay? I really didn’t think it was okay but if he was willing to do it then how could I say no. “Yeah, it’s okay”
Brandon shook his head, “Well glad that issue is settled, I’ll pencil it in then” When he left the room we all stood there in silence, much like how it was in the car on the ride to the airport. No one wanted to question our decision but yet you could tell they were doing just that in their heads.
“It’ll be okay” I heard myself suddenly say aloud. Leigh held my hand tighter as Kevin glanced over at me.
He nodded before turning his attention back to the window. It was so weird how we didn’t talk about it anymore. I remember a few months after our reunion in Lou’s office, Kevin walked up to me and placed his hand on my shoulder, “Brian…I was talking to Jane earlier about Nick’s therapy and she suggested we don’t bring up what happened in front of him anymore”
My therapist had told me the opposite; always let my feelings out when I needed to. Don’t be afraid of emotion or expressing my feelings. I have a feeling that it was really Jane saying those things and not Nick’s therapist. I’m sure it was getting hard for her to deal with being around a gloomy Nick all day, crying, pulling his hair out wishing he were dead.
She gradually took herself out of his life which I thought was horrible. Sometimes it’s easier to walk away then to watch someone in pain.
“How do you think Nick will feel about that?”
“We’re not going to tell him, we just are going to try our best to keep him happy and not go back to that day ever again”
“Happy is good” I said wanting to believe that more than anything. I was doing okay on my end, the dreams stopped and I was starting to feel happy again at that time. I knew I had a long road ahead of me but for the first time, I felt like I was going to make it.
So we stopped talking about it from that day on, and eventually it just kind of went away.
I know it wasn’t the best way to handle the situation but for us it seemed like the only way.
Until now…
I shifted my legs for the tenth time as we stopped at a toll booth. “You okay?” I glanced over at Howie and nodded. He had this look on his face that kind of resembled a grimace and I could tell it was just as hard for them to go back there as it was for Nick and me. It was actually Howie that would always volunteer to make that trip to Philadelphia on behalf of the boys. I could tell he never wanted to do it but he would insist. “Let me go, I can handle it” And as pushy and bossy as my cousin is, he never once argued with D about going ever. He would just nod and be done with it.
Howie’s own family would never let him go alone though, his older brother almost always accompanied him there as well as no less than three bodyguards.
Once again I felt Leigh’s hand tighten in my own. I felt absolutely horrible for not telling her about this sooner. I almost told her on our wedding night of all places. As we lay there in each other’s arms, naked under the down comforter. I almost blurted out what had happened to me, but I stopped myself thinking it wasn’t the right time.
Never was the right time.
“You don’t have to go you know” She whispered into my ear. Kevin glanced over at us when he heard that.
“Yes I do baby but it’ll be alright” I looked over at Kevin and smiled. He nodded back at me in complete understanding. ‘I see you finally told her the story’ shining in his eyes.
As we stood at the gate saying our goodbyes she once again grabbed me in a hug and whispered, “Make you sure you call me every night”
“I will only be there for three days but I will I promise”
Then she let go of my hand and off we went, back to where this awful story began.
On the plane ride I made sure to sit next to Nick who was still very quiet, playing with a little eight ball keychain that a fan had given him at the airport right before we left.
“How you holding up?” I finally asked after the fasten seatbelt sign blinked off and we were firmly on our way.
He shrugged at me and shook the ball, “How about you?”
“I told her” He seemed surprised, his eyes opening wide slightly before turning his attention back to the ball. I thought it was funny that he kept shaking it but when it came time to read what it had to say he wouldn’t. He would just shake it up again. “You know I think you don’t fully grasp the whole concept of the Magic 8 Ball” I joked hoping to at least get a small smirk from my friend.
“I know how it works…just not sure I want to know what’s going to happen” He said shaking it up again and then placing it back in his pocket. All I could do was place a hand on his shoulder, “Everything will be okay Nicky”
I seldom called him Nicky anymore. None of us did…well except for Howie. But at times like this, there was still that little kid lurking inside this almost 21 year old man. Vulnerable and in need of his big brother’s protection. When he was young he used to pretend he hated our watchful eyes but I knew it was all an act.
Truth is he loved having people there to look out for him and today he needed that. He needed to be Nicky.
“I don’t know if I can do this Brian” He looked towards me and he looked lost. I felt a shiver run down my spine as I was once again face to face with the Nick from five years ago.
“We’ll get you through it every step of the way. Besides I am staying with you in your hotel room”
“Don’t be silly”
“No, seriously. I don’t really like the idea of having a room to myself anyway so I figured we could bunk you know like old times” I playfully leaned against him pushing him slightly and he nodded and smiled. Truth was I didn’t want to be alone anymore than he did.
“How are my little men?” Kevin said peaking over his chair from behind us and squeezing both Nick and my shoulder’s.
“Since when did I become one of your little men?”
“Aww well you are kind of short Bri…” I turned around to AJ, “Like you have any room to talk about that!”
“Hey at least I’m taller than you” It was fun arguing about nothing… even though I realized why we were doing that. It was crystal clear that AJ and Kevin heard our conversation. It was all about distraction, keeping our mind off of what was happening. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. Looking over at Nick who was laughing about something that AJ was whispering in his ear, I could see that their mission was accomplished; for him at least.
I was a nervous wreck; I wasn’t ashamed to admit it either. Of course when Leigh had asked if I was going to be okay I said yes because if she knew how scared I was about this trip she would have never let me go.
I couldn’t even tell my parents I was going back there. When my dad called I lied and said we were going to New York. Why worry their heads over this? After all everything would be fine. It was just a place where old memories lived. Of course those memories were lethal but still that’s all they were, memories.
Memories couldn’t hurt you right? Right?
The ding of the fasten seatbelts sign made me jump a little. Nick looked over and took a deep breath, “We’re here already”
“I know” We both just stared at each other for a minute. It was the same kind of glance you see in movies as people realize they are crash landing. A calm stare as everyone around you is falling out of their seats and screaming. Oxygen masks falling and luggage being tossed around.
The only crash we encountered was the bump on the runway as the wheels touched the wet Pennsylvania ground.
Don't hate me...but there will be no new updates for this story until after Christmas. I know... I know but I have been very good with regularly updating this one right? Cut me some slack lol :D I just know I won't have any time to write on anything until I am on Christmas break. Sorry to leave you hanging but at least it wasn't a mean cliffie right? And there will definately be more to the story!
Merry Christmas!
