Fears
There are certain fears everyone clings to as children and while most of them dissipate over the years some only stay and intensify. Most of those fears are silly, like gremlins under the bed, nipping at your toes. I remember laughing at Nick when he said that in some interview a long time ago. After that was over I asked him if he was for real. He smiled at me and shook his head, “No way! But I bet when the girls hear it they will ooh and aah.”
“Like you need any more of them oohing and aahing over you kid!” AJ had said in disgust but I couldn’t do anything but laugh, because that was always one of my fears. Growing up I’d have not only my mother come and check under my bed every night but also my father and my brother. If there was anything scary living under there I wanted to be sure they got eaten first. Of course if anything were to venture out from under my bed and even try to eat my mother they’d have me to deal with.
Gremlins, they were an irrational fear, one that I still get made fun of over family get togethers and parties, but at least Nick does too which is even funnier because he was never afraid of them to begin with.
Then, there are the more intense fears; those aren’t quite so silly. For me it was the sounds of sirens. When I was small and a siren would pass us by with those blinking lights I would cover my ears and cry. The sound just went through me, like a monster screaming at the top of his lungs.
I know there was more to it than that. I know that maybe I was rushed in one too many of those ambulances as a child. Hearing them racing towards my house, barely able to breath while my mother and father would frantically pace. I knew that monster was coming for me as the red lights would illuminate my entire street. There was nothing I could do about it. It’s not like I was in any condition to run away or even hide.
Sirens always reminded me of death, and as they approached us on the small road right beside the airport I felt like that frightened child again. Nick had his hand on my arm, squeezing as the cars in the ambulances path tried moving out of the way as it approached.
I looked over at him and smiled, “It’ll be okay Nick, and I won’t leave your side the whole time.”
“Why do we need an ambulance? Can’t we just go to a doctor’s office?”
“Because you are stars and you were in an accident and there’s no way I am making you go to a doctor’s office and sit in a waiting room for hours when an ambulance will have you in and out of a hospital in no time.” Gary cut in, still holding the phone to his ear.
I placed the handkerchief that I held in my hand back up to my head because I felt more droplets of blood fall onto my collar. I was going to need stitches, of that I was sure. Nick looked over and winced, “Your head is bleeding really badly Brian, you feel okay?” I nodded at him.
“You’re not looking too hot either Nick.” And he wasn’t. His forehead was bruised and his eyes glassy.
The sirens were really loud and the red lights almost blinding. I had forgotten it was raining until Howie walked over to us and held an umbrella over our heads, “Why don’t the two of you wait in the car? You don’t need to catch pneumonia on top of everything else.” Funny that I don’t recall getting out of the car at all. Maybe this was some kind of dream?
“Was anyone in the other car hurt?” That was a good question, I had forgotten all about the other car. That’s when my most recent fear crept up inside of me making me want to turn around and head back towards the safety of our car.
The fear of being followed was a new one for me. It kind of just sprang up about a year or so ago. I was walking all alone in my backyard of all places when I felt like someone was watching me from behind. I turned and saw nothing, but I still felt him there.
I actually fell running into the house which brought Leighanne out looking terrified that I had collapsed or something. I didn’t tell her about what brought me to the ground; I didn’t want to scare her. But I found myself looking out our kitchen window into that yard, just to make sure that it was my imagination.
It hit me quite a few times after that, whether we would be driving in the car, or rehearsing for this upcoming tour, I always felt myself looking back, feeling someone’s eyes glaring into the back of my head.
The ambulance had now come to a full stop right behind the car that hit us. There were two people off to the side, one holding their hands to their head and the other just staring at the damage. They looked to be in their mid forties, possibly older. With the rain coming down as hard as it was, it was kind of hard to tell. They looked fine though, fine and not maniacal. That was a relief.
Two paramedics made their way over to us, escorted by Gary and one of our security guards. People were gradually opening their car doors to check out what was going on. Probably hoping for some fatalities or maybe a car explosion. Give them some drama at least if we are holding up traffic. Isn’t that the way people were these days? It was sad, but true.
“They’re right here, there are three of them. One is bleeding from his head, and the other two are bruising.”
Kevin came out of the car when he saw the paramedics with their bags in hand. He glanced over at us both before walking up to where we were and once again putting his hand on Nick’s back. “It’s going to be okay guys, I promise you.”
As they came over and surveyed our condition, eventually walking us over to the ambulance, I once again got that feeling. I felt as if someone or something was right behind me, running fast and ready to snatch me away in its talons.
“Okay let’s get you into the ambulance where you will be dry at least.” I nodded at the paramedic and was grateful to see that there was no one behind me.
I sat on one of the stretchers and let out a sigh as I saw Kevin and Nick enter the ambulance as well. I tried turning but the guy cleaning my cut held my head firmly in place, “Please try not to move sir, what’s your name?”
“Brian.”
“Brian, you have a nasty cut and its deep. You’re going to need a few stitches.” See? Stitches, I knew it.
The other guy was looking over Nick, probably at Kevin’s insistence while Kevin sat next to him, ready to hold his hand as if he were a five year old. I couldn’t hear what was being said over the roar of the rain, now coming down in trenches. The onlookers made their way back to their cars, deciding that being nosy wasn’t worth getting soaked.
The driver shut the car door, “They said they are going to follow us,” He commented to the one working on my cousin, taking a break from Nick for a moment. Nick was sitting quietly staring at me, as my paramedic bandaged my head.
“Okay, well I hope they can keep up.”
Within seconds after saying that we pulled away, “Can he see in all this rain?”
“We have driven through far worse don’t worry.” My cousin nodded and said no more for the rest of the trip.
The hospital looked so different when we got there, at first I thought that maybe we had been brought to another one. With that thought came a big wash of relief. The last place I wanted to end up was on Derek Jones’s table again.
Long after the fact, when the nightmare was over, well for everyone but me, I decided to send Dr. Jones a letter of apology, for mistaking him for such a gruesome monster. It ate at me for weeks that I could have almost ruined this man’s life. How do you apologize for something like that? It took me a long time and many many drafts of reading the letter to my mother, the only one I had told about the apology, before I actually sent it out.
It felt like a small weight had been lifted from my shoulders, just a small one though. I didn’t expect a reply and wasn’t shocked when one never came. I’m sure he wanted to forget me as much as I wanted to forget about him.
Yup I was glad we were at a different hospital, although that thought quickly faded away when I saw the familiar name. There might as well have been a sign saying welcome back Brian; we have been waiting for you.
“It looks like they have done some renovating of this place.” My cousin said as he looked at the brand new reception desk as we past by it. Since none of us were horribly injured, we were met at the front door with wheelchairs. The paramedics wanted to use gurneys but Gary who successfully followed us behind the whole way, talked them out of that. Howie and AJ were walking right behind us as we traveled towards the back where the curtains were.
We passed a bed that had about five people frantically working on someone as machines beeped. “That was me…” Nick said, his speech drifting off in thought. He was right, that was him when he was brought in five years ago. He was lucky he survived. The sudden flat line sound we heard just as we turned the corner made me realize that not everyone was as lucky.
“Okay guys we’re dropping you off right here. Someone will be with you shortly.” The nice guy who had worked on Nick and Kevin said winking at all of us before leaving.
“Can we stay with them?” I heard Howie ask and was relived to see him nod.
“I’ll be right back fellas; I need to make some calls.” I was happy that Gary walked out of the room. I wish he didn’t come with us in the first place.
“How are you guys holding up?” AJ asked walking over and sitting next to me on my bed.
“I don’t see why we are even here. I think we should leave.”
“If the paramedics didn’t think we needed to be here they wouldn’t have made us come Nick.”
“They’re going to try to separate us, don’t let them okay?” When Nick panicked about something he just shrunk right before all of our eyes, becoming that little kid all of us would die to protect. Even though none of us would openly admit it.
“Don’t worry baby, one of us will be with you no matter where they take you…” Kevin made sure to look my way, “Both of you.”
A nurse walked into our little cubicle and closed the curtain. Her face paled a little when the look of recognition hit her face, she knew who we were, our level of fame, we were super stars now. We weren’t back then.
“Oh my goodness.” She said rather unprofessionally, in my opinion anyway.
She shook her anxiety away and walked over to me, “Someone will be in to suture you up shortly. Kevin and Nick is it?” They both nodded.
“The two of you are set to have some X rays taken.”
She took our vital signs, every once in a while stopping to glance up at Howie and AJ. Just as she was getting ready to leave she stopped and glanced back one final time, I could tell she wanted to ask, I had gotten really good at reading that in people. She didn’t though; I guess she figured it wouldn’t be the right time or place and she would have been correct.
“We should leave her something autographed.” Howie was good at picking up on that too.
“Don’t let them take me alone Kevin…” The sheer panic in Nick’s voice followed by a fresh well of tears just made my skin crawl.
“You’re not going alone Nick, I’ll be right with you.”
“I can’t do this again.” He whispered and right then I wanted to cry.
Why was this not only coming back to us but coming back to us by punching us in the face? If I wasn’t such a spiritual person I would have thought that God was cruel for doing this to us, but I knew better. This had nothing to do with God.
Soon after Nick’s pleading and Kevin’s soothing, two guys came in to wheel them both away. Nick glanced at me and tried to smile, but he was beyond smiling. He had his hand on his hair, to any other person it probably looked like he was just playing with it, twirling it in his fingers, but I knew he wasn’t twirling it, he was pulling it.
“Nick, it’ll be all right.” He nodded as I smiled at him.
“Watch him.” My cousin mouthed to Howie and AJ as they were led away.
“He’ll be okay Bri….worry about yourself right now. Kevin is with him.” Howie said moving to the chair and sitting down.
“Did you see him tugging on his hair?” I nodded at AJ as did Howie. “He’ll be okay.” He said more to himself than to us.
A man quickly drew the curtain back which made all three of us jump. “I hear someone has a head that needs fixin’.” He joked, as if anyone brought into the emergency room would find something like that funny.
He tried to hold a causal conversation with us, knowing we were famous but pretending not to have any clue. I was always able to pick up on that as well.
“Does Dr. Derek Jones still work at this hospital?” I was surprised to hear myself say that out of the blue, almost like my mouth wouldn’t wait for my brain to object.
“Dr. Jones? We have a bunch of those but I don’t recall a Derek, sorry.” Howie looked a little shocked that I would ask. I kind of was too but for some reason I just needed to know.
Five stitches was all it took to get me back to normal. It barely hurt as well, I was glad it was over. When he was done he led us into a private waiting room to wait for Kevin and Nick.
“Bri…why did you ask about Derek Jones?”
“I don’t know…” I said as my thoughts drifted off, I felt someone watching me again, I looked quickly at the door, there was a man standing there staring at us through the glass, I gasped but in that instant he disappeared.
“Brian what’s wrong?” I didn’t have time to answer AJ because right after he said that the lights in the entire hospital went out. Leaving us in total darkness as I heard the door creak open.
I'll try to be back on Wednesday with another update :D
