The Darker side
I can’t tell you for sure how long it was that I sat and stared at that wall, what I can say is that by the time I allowed myself to look away the rain had finally stopped. Nick was still sitting next to me, looking a little calmer, this time his eyes fixated on the TV and not on the wall. The others were sitting around the table, eating a pizza. When on earth a pizza managed to be delivered to the room I couldn’t tell you. I must have really been zoned out.
I placed my hand on Nick’s shoulder and he flinched at the touch, just like he always did these days. That’s not something many people notice, besides those closest to him. Even his fans haven’t ever noticed it before. It only lasts for less then a few seconds, that scared flinch, before the easing of the body and that ever popular smile appears on his face.
“Hey,” He said smiling at me and turning his body towards me.
“Howdy, what are you watching?”
“Golf.”
“Oh, did I fall asleep or something?”
“Yeah I think you did, your eyes were closed.”
“And how are you feeling? Any better?” Didn’t I always say I hated it when people asked me that question? And yet here I was doing the same thing to Nick.
“I guess so…yeah.”
I sighed, “That’s good, I’m happy to hear that.”
“What about you?” I guess it was only fair right?
“I’m okay.”
“I heard you were about ready to strangle Gary for me.”
“Who told you that?”
“Jay”
I laughed, “Yeah, he was pissing me the hell off.”
“Thanks.”
“I think I’m going to go grab a slice of pizza, you want any?” Nick shook his head so I pat his shoulder and used it to help myself up off the couch. My legs felt like they were numb. Pins and needles, you gotta love that.
The other guys all looked at me as I approached the table; it was an uneasy look, filled with concern. I can tell that I must have been a main topic of discussion at this table. It grew quiet as I took a seat.
“Is there any pizza left?”
“Yup, help yourself. You feelin’ any better?” I grabbed a slice of pepperoni pizza and nodded.
“I’m fine, guess I was just tired.”
“You kind of looked like you were in a trance over there Brian. I swear your eyes were half open, it was kind of creepy man.”
“Sorry didn’t mean to creep you out AJ.”
I looked out the window where even though the rain had stopped it didn’t look like it would last. It looked as if at any moment the sky would open up again. I didn’t want that to happen. I needed to get the hell out of this city and back to my wife.
“Did Gary call yet?” I was answered with three shaken heads.
“Great, he probably left us…I say if we don’t hear from him we just book our own flights out of here.” I looked over at my cousin who was staring at Nick as he watched TV and I couldn’t help but wonder if they had stared at me the same exact way.
“Good idea,” He said never taking his eyes off of Nick.
“He seems to be doing better.” I said as I sat down next to the food.
“Yeah, he’s been talking and even smiling again. He’s acting like our trip to the hospital never happened.”
I nodded my head, remembering very well how Nick had done the very same thing the first time I had seen him after he had gotten his tattoo.
It seemed so unlike Nick to do something like that. He had actually vowed he’d never get one, he enjoyed his body the way it was and he would be damned if he was going to let somebody prick him a thousand times with a needle. AJ is crazy, was his last comment on the issue, which was usually followed by a friendly bat on the head from the crazy one himself.
So when he called to tell me about this tribal band he suddenly got around his arm, I almost thought he was joking.
“I swear to God Rok, I got one…I can’t wait for you to see it!”
“A tattoo? Nick are you joking?”
“Okay this is getting old Brian…I told you I got one! AJ is SO going to owe me a billion dollars. He didn’t think I’d be able to do it.”
“Why?”
“Because he thought I’d be too sissy and chicken out.”
“No, I mean why did you get one?” I can’t really describe the emotions I was feeling, for some reason I felt defeated by his stupid tattoo. Is that odd?
“Well…why not? I mean you have one and AJ has a ton even Kevin has one…I thought it was time.”
So I went to go check this tattoo out. I went with AJ and my cousin. Howie was on one of his cruises so he missed all the excitement.
When we got to his house, Nick actually came running out to the car to greet us as if he were a little child. I hadn’t seen him that excited in quite some time.
I couldn’t look at it right away because the bandage covering it was too familiar; I would never be able to look at gauze the same way again. We followed him into his house where once inside he lifted the bandage off his arm to reveal this tribal band.
It was then that I understood.
It had completely covered the last remnants of the word that I had carved into him. Mine was now safely hidden within the workings of the tattoo. It must have been liberating for him. Kevin had grabbed Nick into a huge bear hug and said how much he loved the tattoo which was so uncharacteristic of Kevin’s normal eye rolls when AJ showed up with a new one. But we all understood, this was Nick’s rite of passage almost. One of the last reminders of that horrible night now wiped clean.
This may sound silly of me to say, but the day he got that tattoo I almost felt like it was the day I lost MY Nick forever. I know, I know then you wonder why everyone thinks you guys are gay Brian…but it’s true. It’s like that was the start of the darker Nick, the one who just hid all his feelings away. Shortly after the tattoo came the partying. He would stay out until all hours of the night, drinking and God knows what else. He wasn’t even old enough to be let into the places he was going, but yet that didn’t stop him. The days of us just chilling in front of the TV playing video games were over, after the tattoo he almost always picked partying over hanging out with me.
I remember just as we were about to leave his house he opened his hand and held it out to AJ. “Time to pay up Boner!”
AJ looked annoyed as he went into his wallet, looking for money, “Aw come on you’re not going to actually hold me to that are you?”
“Are you saying that if you won the bet you wouldn’t be looking for YOUR money?”
“He’s got a point Bone.”
“Oh be quiet Kevin, I swear you are always taking the kid’s side.”
“Only when he’s right.” As they were exchanging their silly argument I looked at Nick and he winked at me before looking away and biting on the inside of his cheek.
“I can’t believe you actually had the guts to get a tattoo man, welcome to the club.” AJ said tossing the money into Nick’s hand and smiling.
“After you have been through enough stuff, I guess suddenly a tattoo doesn’t seem so scary anymore Jay.” There was an awkward silence where you could tell we all suddenly understood. Of course when you have been stabbed repeatedly and carved, a tattoo is small potatoes. How could we be so dumb?
We stood there like a bunch of idiots until Nick was the one to break the silence, “Anyway…I’m glad you guys like it! I’m thinking about getting one on my back as well. Maybe a music note or something like that.”
“Sounds like a plan little man, just don’t turn into this one over here.” Kevin said of course pointing over at AJ who kindly stuck his middle finger up at Kevin which made us all laugh.
“Ew no worries about that man…I’m good.”
When we were back safely in the car and driving away from Nick’s house, Kevin shook his head, “You think he is?”
“What?”
“Nick said he’s good. You think he is?”
“Maybe that tattoo was what he needed Kev,” I said not really believing the words as they were coming out of my mouth. Truth was, right there even though Nick pretended like nothing was wrong, I knew that was the start of him not being fine, possibly ever. Even on days that he might seem perfect, one hundred percent, I’d know better.
Just like I knew better now.
I stood up and walked back over towards Nick, carrying another slice of pizza for myself and one for him. I sat beside him and held the plate out to him, “It’s calling your name…Nickolas...eat me.”
He laughed and grabbed for the slice, folding it over and taking a bite, “Thanks.”
“Not a problem.”
“So…what were you guys talking about over there?”
“Just stuff…” I started but then knowing he already knew the answer, “And you of course.” I continued.
“Of course.”
He put the plate down after only taking one bite of his pizza and then grabbed his arm and ironically looked at his tattoo.
“You know sometimes I swear I can see the scars still, right through this thing. I have been thinking of adding onto it. Maybe looping another band around the first one. What do you think?”
I sighed, “I think that would look cool, but you can’t see the scars Nick, I promise you.”
He nodded and half smiled at me, “I know…but no matter how much I try…”
“I know.” I let out a deep breath and sat back, taking control of the remote as we both blindly sat staring at the TV. Too bad there weren’t tattoos you could put on the inside, close to your heart which is where those scars really sat for him.
“Sometimes I wish that he had actually killed me.” He whispered sending a chill down my spine, literally making me shudder.
“Sometimes, I wish that you guys just let me die. Things would have been so much easier you know?”
“Don’t ever say that again Nick.” My voice was stern but extremely soft so as not to bring attention to the little morbid conversation we were having.
“Sorry man…never mind forget I said anything.” I wasn’t going to let him stop now, not after hearing that.
“No, it’s okay tell me what’s going on.”
He fidgeted again, looking towards the table making sure they weren’t listening before he continued, “It’s just that I know I can’t go through this all again Brian…I mean, what if he’s here and comes back. I can’t do it again.”
“He won’t come back.”
“We both saw him in the hospital didn’t we?” He was asking me to confirm that for him which only made me once again realize that maybe we really didn’t.
“I wish I could tell you that everything will be okay Nick.”
“But you can’t…I know. I’ve heard this all before.”
“I don’t think he was there Nick…” I said after some quiet minutes, “I just don’t think we saw him.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
I tilted my head towards him, confused. “What do you mean?”
“Whether he was there or not, it doesn’t matter. For me he’ll always be there.” Then he pointed to his arm, “Just like the scars.”
“I’m sorry.” I felt tears coming to my eyes. The pain and hurt he was going through. He was right, just like my therapist was. It stays with you.
He wiped at his eyes, I know that drew attention from my cousin, he looked over our way.
“Did you ever wish that he had killed you?” Did I? For the first time I found myself having to contemplate the answer to that question. It was a scary question, it was an honest question and I had an honest answer.
“Sometimes.”
Kevin made his way over, our alone time was done. We made the mistake of showing too much emotion on our faces.
“Everything all good here?” Nick smiled and nodded, all the traces of tears wiped away as Kevin approached.
“Good news, we are very soon out of here guys. Our ride is actually on the way.”
I don’t recall the phone ringing while Nick and I were talking just like I didn’t recall the pizza being delivered. I was in my own scattered cloud of dust, just like all those fish in my therapist’s tank.
“That’s great news thanks.” I said, smiling at him as he walked away.
“Think it’ll leak out to the press?”
“I don’t know Nick.”
He stood up, “Well, I’m going to go get washed up before we head out of here.”
I smiled at him, “Good idea, I should do the same.” I watched as my friend walked over towards the bathroom and placed his hands on the door, hesitating and breathing deeply before allowing himself to walk in.
“Sometimes...” I found myself repeating while I sat and waited for our car to take me away from this place.
Phew I have to say I really didn't think i'd make it on time for my usual update but I rock so there ya go lol. I will be back with the final chapter of this one hopefully next Saturday and yes I said final :( it's been fun. So hopefully i'll be able to deliver on time. Have a great week!
