So we move on…
We left the very same day we arrived in Philadelphia, the fans weren’t happy and neither were our management and record company. None of that mattered though, we had to get out of there, we weren’t ready yet.
Shortly after Nick and I had that morbid conversation, our van arrived to take us to the airport. We barely had to pack anything since we never unpacked in the first place. I think deep down inside, we all knew better.
I remember looking back into the room, as the last person to leave and seeing our captor standing there staring at me and smiling. He looked a lot like the guy we saw in the hospital, he looked a lot like Dr. Derek Jones; he looked a lot like me. All staring at me and smiling, happy with the silent victory they had over us this time around.
We did let them win this time, but that’s okay. I mean it wasn’t okay at the time and it took me a long long time to understand that, but looking back on it now…it was fine.
I have done a lot of soul searching in my life, a lot of trying to find answers about why something as horrendous as what happened, did happen. No matter how many self help books I read or people I consulted, or how many times I prayed for an answer, I never got one.
To put it simply, there was no answer. It happened because it happened. One act of violence that changed my life. Simple as that really.
We left The Firm shortly after our return back to Florida and Gary’s sudden resignation. They had called us into the office to yell at us, who knows maybe to drop US as clients, but we beat them to the punch. Once again we found ourselves relying on Denise to guide our career.
We dumped a lot of baggage after what happened. It’s like none of us had any patience for inconsistencies or mistakes. We fired a lot of people, disconnected ourselves from a lot of so called friends. Some were good moves, some bad, but nevertheless that’s what we did.
AJ started to have problems with drugs and alcohol. We saw the signs very early on, probably as early as our trip to Philadelphia, but no one did anything about it. By the time we did, it was too late. He was self destructing. By the end of the Black and Blue tour none of us even wanted to be in the same room with each other.
Nick’s personality radically changed as well, he became an out of control partier just like AJ, but also he got into fights. His temper getting the best of him. Sometimes I would look over at him when he didn’t know I was watching, and I’d see him pull at his hair or stand there with fear in his eyes, remembering something I’m sure he only wanted to forget. He became distant and unsure of himself. Basically he fell into a depression. Then came Nick’s announcement about going solo. He had to find himself, he said. He hated who he was becoming and needed to do something for just him. It was hard for us but we agreed. So the Backstreet boys went on hiatus.
And I changed.
I grew closer and closer to my wife, allowing only a few people into our little world which now consisted of my son Baylee. We didn’t go out much, we never made it a habit to live a celebrity lifestyle and we stayed as far out of the public’s eye as possible. Occasionally there have been nightmares, the most recent being last night. I dreamt he came back but this time not for me or for Nick but for my son. He stood looking at my son and no matter how hard I tried to run to him my feet wouldn’t move.
I still go to therapy on occasion, sometimes I feel all better, like there isn’t a problem in the world I can’t conquer, but other times I feel more vulnerable then my 2 year old. So, I go to therapy and we work it out. Sometimes I leave feeling like I can do this and sometimes I don’t.
Nick goes to therapy too. When we got back together after our long stint apart, I pulled him aside and pleaded with him to consider it. He had always refused, but not anymore. Maybe his demons had finally caught up with him. He goes almost regularly now, about twice a week. One of us is always there for him when he gets out. Not that he ever talks about what went on in his session, but I think it just makes him feel better to be around one of us afterwards. Even if it’s for nothing more than going out for a drink or in my case, some dessert.
As far as the others, well they have suffered too. Howie just likes to push it all aside, in fact when it is brought up, which is a little more frequently than any of us would like, he walks away. Says he needs to make a phone call or run an errand. That’s just the way Howie deals with things. AJ, well like I said earlier he turned to drugs and alcohol, not purely because what happened to us or anything but I’m sure that didn’t help. Kevin tries to act all big and brave but he has dreams too. Kristin told my wife about them. He blames himself for letting it happen; she said that sometimes she catches him crying while playing the piano. By My Side is usually the song he plays when he tears up.
You know, life is not about happy endings. I’m sure a lot of you who may be reading this might think that it would have ended a bit differently. Maybe we catch the bad guy and fight, I stab him in the chest and we all live happily ever after, finally getting my revenge. Believe me; I would have liked nothing more than for that to happen. Unfortunately, this tale ends a bit differently. There is no happy ending for me. In my world, there is only to be continued…
The bad guy was never caught, there was no resolution and most likely there will never be. For all I know he could be long dead, maybe another victim fought back and won the battle that I failed to. Maybe he is sitting in jail for something small, too many parking tickets or a DWI. Or maybe he is still out there watching and waiting for a chance to get one of us alone again.
I’ll never know and that is the worst part about this story, its lack of an ending. Maybe one day…I guess we’ll see what happens.
On the way back to the airport, Nick tapped me on the shoulder. I turned to him and he whispered, “There’s something I want to do before we go.”
“What is it?” I asked thinking the answer was going to be I have to pee or something.
“I want to see it…the Liberty Bell.”
The rain had stopped and the sun was peaking through the clouds. Maybe this was his own version of closure. So I asked the driver if we could make a detour to the Liberty Bell, he nodded but Gary groaned in disgust. At that point I didn’t care and either did he. No one complained though. They probably realized we had our own reasons.
“If we miss the plane you guys are on your own.” Was all our manager said, before sitting back and rubbing at his temples.
By the time we arrived at the bell it was way past closing time, so luckily there was no traffic to further delay us. We got out of the van and walked up to the glass, the rest of the guys following behind probably thoroughly confused.
“Wow, so that’s it huh?” He said peering into the room that housed the bell.
“Yup I guess so.”
“It kind of just looks like a bell.” That made me laugh. It felt good to laugh, Nick smiled.
“Why are we here?” Kevin said now walking past us both and peering in at the bell.
“It’s just something we have been meaning to do for a long time.”
“Oh.” He said as if he understood, but I’m still not altogether sure if he did or not. I’ll have to ask him later when I see him.
“You know…” Nick never finished what he was going to say. He only looked at the bell once more through the glass and walked away. Grabbing my shoulder in a hug as he passed me. “Let’s get out of here.” He said and I nodded and followed him back to the van.
So, there you have it.
I know by writing this all down, I have begun the healing process. I have cried, gotten mad and thrown things, but overall I managed to survive. As I sit here in the dark with only a small light on to see my words and my son safely snoring in the bed two feet away from me, I can say that I’ll eventually be all right.
We all will.
The road getting here has been long and hard, there have been many tears shed and many sleepless nights, but isn’t that what life is all about?
At least I am alive to live it.
Thanks for listening and God Bless!
Brian Littrell.
Author’s note: Well this is the end; I’ve had a lot of fun writing this one. I never thought I’d be able to pull off a story told in Brian’s point of view. I’m glad you guys enjoyed this one. I know some of you might be disappointed in the ending but it was never going to be resolved, that much I knew from the moment I first started writing it. If I had resolved it, to me it wouldn’t have ended realistically. So for those of you that have stuck by this story since it was nothing more than a mailing list one, I thank you for reading. Also for the people on Chaos’ site as well as Vaffel who were kind enough to give me feedback. Thank you!
Mersey, Maria, Julie, Sam and Anita for always emailing me with nice things to say! That helped as well.
Another one done lol Go me! ;)
Mare
