Here is my first attempt at a song fic...so please let me know what you think.
"Fly"
Any moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of your yesterday.
Nick smiled as he looked over at his girlfriend, Sheila, in the passenger seat of his car. She looked so beautiful with her dark blonde hair spilling over her shoulders in soft waves. Her ivory complection was flawless, her bright blue eyes staring straight ahead at what was before them. Nick put his eyes back on the road for a split second as he continued to drive, then looked over at her again. Sheila caught him staring at her from the corner of her eye and looked over at him. He smiled all the wider at her before putting his attention on the road for good this time.
“What?” she asked, scrunching her small nose up the way she always did when she was confused or wondering about something. Nick always loved it when she did that, always finding her to be so cute and innocent.
“Nothing,” Nick replied, looking back in to her eyes as he grabbed her hand in his. He intertwined their fingers, giving her hand a light squeeze. She squeezed back, giving him back the affectionate gesture he’d just shown her.
Although they’d only been together for eight months, Nick knew that Sheila was the one. The one for him. He felt so incredible whenever he was around her. Her beautiful features, never ending energy and humor were all the things that had attracted him to her. Even her being nearly a foot shorter than him, standing at around 5'6" and weighing a slender 135 pounds didn’t bother him. She was perfect to him in every way. In his eyes, she was the one that he was going to marry. He could feel it. He loved her more than he could ever express. Although she didn’t know it, he was going to propose to her when they reached their one year.
A song came on the radio that Nick knew his girlfriend loved. A smile quickly crept on to her lips as she reached across to the front of the car, turning the volume up a few notches. She swayed her body to the music as she sang along, screaming the lyrics to Ordinary by Train. Nick chuckled. She was so adorable when she sang. She wasn’t great or anything, but was decent and could carry a tune to a certain extent. He got goose bumps every time he heard her voice singing and felt privileged that she felt comfortable enough singing in front of him, beings he was the professional.
Sheila’s singing slowly died though as they entered a neighborhood that was dark and not very well lit. She became silent, just staring straight ahead of her. Nick felt the tension that had grown in the vehicle knowing that she felt that the place they were driving through was unsafe.
“Nick,” she whispered after a hesitation, as if the obviously poor people who were walking down the sidewalks could hear them, “Could we please leave here? It’s scaring me.”
Nick squeezed her leg reassuringly to sign to her that everything would be okay. Without words, he wanted her to know that he wouldn’t let anything happen to her as he pressed the lock button with his one hand to emphasize that he assured her security.
Soon they were back out on a city street. The buildings and stores were run down. That much was obvious. Several of them had boards plastered over windows and doorways blocking entrance. Something told the couple that the old city had mostly been abandoned. Sheila gulped but said nothing. Nick’s sudden silence as he turned the volume to the radio down told her that he too was uncomfortable, but wasn’t saying anything in hopes to keep her calm.
After driving down the long street which seemed to be endless, Sheila spotted a man in baggy clothing and gang chains hanging from his clothing. He had a baseball cap on, the bill sticking out from under his hoodie sweatshirt, which he had pulled up over his head. He stopped walking and stood, staring as they approached. Sheila watched as he reached inside of his pants, pulling out a silver object, glimmering in the light from a shattered street lamp. Her eyes widened as he brought it up, realizing it was a gun.
“NICK, WATCH OUT,.” she shrieked in warned terror just as a deafening shot was fired directly at them.
Nick whipped his head to the side when he heard her shrill scream followed by her terrified plea as she ducked and covered her head to the best of her ability. Glass shattered and on impulse as a window was struck by the bullet, Nick jerked the wheel to the side hard. As he begun to spin out of control, he saw the man who’d shot at them running down the sidewalk, and realized that there was nothing he could do as his small car crashed into the side of a building. More glass shattered as Nick hit his head on the steering wheel from impact. That was the last thing he remembered before everything went black.
Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,
Nick woke up with a pounding headache. His entire body screamed out in pain. He winced, squinting his eyes slightly as he slowly brought his head to one side then to another. He heard beeping and whatever he was lying on was as hard as concrete. Opening his eyes wider again, Nick noticed a few machines next to him with wires coming from them. Wires which were hooked up to him. For a split second he wondered what was going on, but them remembered. Sheila being worried about the ghetto which they’d driven through. The gunshot. Him crashing his car.
Nick winced again as he slowly brought his hand up to his head, feeling a thing cloth bandage wrapped tightly against it. He supposed he must have hit his head hard and wondered if he’d suffered from a concussion. He wondered how long he’d been there in the hospital. But mostly, he wondered where Sheila was. He needed to see her. He needed to know that she was alright and hoped that he hadn’t put her through as much pain as he was suffering through at that particular moment.
As he tried to sit, Nick let out a moan of excruciating pain before easing himself back down to the bed slowly. It took just that one try to figure out that he wouldn’t be moving anywhere for at least a little while.
“You’re finally awake,” came a male voice from beside him.
The sound made his ears ring and he winced. Although he knew that the tone couldn’t have been loud, it sounded of a high volume. He figured it was a doctor and turned his head to where it came from. He was startled to see his band members, friends, brothers sitting before him. The voice had come from Brian and felt stupid for not recognizing the soft southern drawl right off. There was concern in his eyes, but a smile on his face. A small, almost sad smile, but one was there.
“Ho...” Nick wheezed out, coughing from the dryness of his throat. He opened his mouth to try again, “How long ha..have I been...he...here?” he rasped.
His friends all looked to one another as if silently conferencing amongst themselves. Nick wondered it that were a bad sign and wished that somebody would just tell him something. The question wasn’t that difficult to answer.
“Five days,” Howie finally replied, “This is the first you’ve awakened. We were all worried...including the doctors.”
He went on to tell him that there had been some minor swelling in his brain that they’d had to keep close watch on, but it had gone down after a day on its own. Nick wasn’t really listening though. All he could think about was Sheila. She must be worried sick about him. But if she was, why wasn’t she there waiting with the others? He wanted to hold her and tell her that he was fine and everything was going to be okay. Nick missed her and couldn’t believe five days had gone by since the forced accident. When he did see her, he planned on apologizing profusely to her for not leaving the bad area sooner and promise her that from now on, they wouldn’t venture off into the unknown.
‘Where’s Sheila?” Nick spoke aloud, figuring that one of the four Boys would know the whereabouts of her. They did, after all, know how serious their relationship had grown and all liked her and respected the strong connection the young couple had.
Nick watched as eight eyes widened in surprise and again, they looked around at one another. Nick’s heart thudded in his chest and wondered what was going on. He didn’t like the idea of having things kept from him.
“Someone answer me,” Nick demanded softly.
Everyone looked back at him with sorrowful eyes. Nick just stared in confusion. He wondered if she’d already moved on to somebody new because of the fact that he might have had brain damage. Then again, Nick knew that Sheila would never give up on him and move on so quickly. Five days was less than a week. He felt that what they had called for more than a week of mourning, on either of their parts.
“She...she didn’t make it,” Kevin finally stated, his voice barely audible. In fact, Nick was certain that he hadn’t heard the eldest man correctly, asking him to repeat himself louder, which he got a more thorough reply out of, “She died from a gunshot wound to the head.”
Nick’s breathing slowed down drastically at that point as his skin became a clammy cool and prickly. Sheila, the girl he was going to marry...the point of having a reason to live, dead. It couldn’t be. He refused to grasp the thought.
“NO,” Nick shouted, “SHE ISN’T DEAD. SHE’S NOT. I WON’T BELIEVE IT.” he thrashed around until he was in a sitting position, not caring how much it hurt. None of it was even comparable to the emotional hurt that he as trying to deny.
“I’m so sorry,” Kevin muttered, not really knowing what else to say. There really was nothing he could say.
The Boys sat in silence and watched as Nick went into a violent rage, knowing it was something he had to get out of his system. He picked up a few objects from the wobbly night stand next to his bed, chucking them at the wall, taking control of his feelings like he never had before. He next tried to tear out the bedspread on the bed, yanking as hard as he could as he screamed out in a painful howl. Without getting anywhere, Nick’s shoulders slumped as his grip loosened and he lowered his hands. Tears started to fall from his eyes as he broke down into an emotional waterfall. His friends were instantly at his side to comfort him, however it meant nothing. He longed for Sheila, and she was gone. Nothing would bring back the one he loved and he now felt as if he were alone in this world.
Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.
Nick sighed as he walked through the doors of his house. The second he was inside, loneliness filled him, for Sheila had moved in the month before and now she’d never walk through the door again to greet him after a day of work. He’d never have her to cuddle with in the middle of the night again. He’d never hear her voice, see her face or feel her touch. Smell the sweet scent of her shampoo that she used or taste her kisses. All of it was gone forever. It was all obviously meant for somebody else and not him. If it were meant for him, the love of his life wouldn’t have been taken from him so suddenly and without warning, and in such a cruel way.
He walked over to his couch and slowly sat down, staring blankly at the black TV screen. That was how he felt. Blank. In a dazed, mechanic movement, he stretched his arm sideways, setting down the sleeping pills that the doctor had prescribed him right before he’d left the hospital earlier that day, saying that he would be needing them, without any question asked. Nick didn’t know if he’d end up using them or not though. He didn’t want something to help him sleep peacefully during the night. He wanted to stay awake and hurt, feeling the raw pain that he’d inflicted upon himself from being foolish and trusting of the obviously dangerous society.
Brian had taken the responsibility of driving him home, for Nick’s car was totaled beyond repair. He was without a car, not like he’d need one anyways. He wasn’t up for leaving the house. So the second Brian had pulled into his driveway, Nick had stepped out from the car, roboticly heading toward the door without even inviting his best friend in. He wasn’t in the mood for company. He just wanted to hide away, alone. He didn’t want to open up to anyone, because he himself was feeling numb inside and unable to express how he was feeling.
On top of the already incredible amount of guilt Nick was facing, he was also upset to learn a couple days after he’d awakened, while still in the hospital, that he had missed Sheila’s funeral. It had taken place the day before he’d come out of his deep sleep. Nick wished he could have been there. It would have possibly helped him out some and taken away some of the guilt. He felt he at least owed her that much, out of respect to their withered relationship. However it was impossible to turn back time and make it able for him to go. Then another thought struck Nick. If he’d gone, her family would have blamed him for the whole thing, accusing him of unintentionally causing the murder of their only daughter. Nick didn’t want to face that, for he already knew it was true. And if he went now, he risked running in to them still. Her family had been close knit, and it was highly likely that they hadn’t barely left her grave. Besides, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to face her grave yet himself. It would make everything all the more real.
With a ragged sigh, Nick could feel tears forming in his eyes as his throat started to close up on him with emotion. Burying his head in his hands, he choked out a pathetic, weak cry. His breathing started to come out in slow, hard, shaky breaths as if he were having trouble breathing, and in a sense he was.
“Why?” Nick wailed out loud in to the empty house, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to leave me?”
His tears broke in to loud sobs that he didn’t even try to stop. The phone rang, but Nick hardly heard it and made no attempt to get it. He knew who it was. One of the Boys. They were calling to check up on him and see how he was doing. He wasn’t ready to open up yet though, and didn’t feel like having anybody pry for him to do that. His answering machine came on and then there was a ‘beep’ telling the caller that it was time for them to leave their message.
“Hey Nick, it’s Aje. Just wondering how you’re doing. I know that you left the hospital today and Brian told us that you weren’t doing so well, so thought I’d check up on that myself.”
There was a pause and Nick knew that there was more to come. He knew that the message couldn’t end that quickly and simply, because it was just his that it wouldn’t. He waited, hugging his knees to himself wishing the caller away silently. Then the voice started up again.
“Listen, I know you’re upset about Sheila...she was a wonderful girl. We’re concerned about you though, so please give us a call back and let us know what’s going on. We’re only here to help an want to in any way we can...but we can’t unless you talk to us. Aight, well, I’m gonna shut up now. Just call back. Later”
There was a click and Nick new that A.J. had finally hung up. He sighed, content with the fact, however had no intentions of calling back. More tears fell though as he thought all over again about losing Sheila. It was all he thought about, and he was shutting himself off from everything and everyone. Nobody would understand. When he was ready, he would talk, however for now, all he wanted to do was hide away and keep his emotions bottled up and to himself. That was the only thing Nick felt he could do.
All your worries, leave them somewhere else,
Find a dream you can follow,
Reach for something, when there's nothing left,
And the world's feeling hollow
Three weeks passed and Nick still had yet to leave his house. He rarely ate, and barely slept. All he did was sit on his couch, curled up into a ball staring in to space, keeping the curtains drawn so that no light could come in to the house. His friends had come in shifts several times a day, knocking on the door for an hour at a time. Nick never answered the door once, leaving it bolt locked so that they had no way to get in. They eventually gave up though, leaving for a little while. But somebody always returned, doing the same thing. It had been going on since he’d been released, and Nick had no intentions of opening up any time soon. He wanted to just shut himself away from the world and suffer alone. So, twenty minutes later, when there was a knock again, and Kevin’s voice shouting through the door for him to open up, Nick did nothing, willing him to leave. He brought his leg up, accidentally knocking his foot under the table. A porcelain vase fell from the table top, clattering to the ground loudly and shattering. Nick froze, knowing that Kevin had to have heard it. The shouting through the door and knocking became more persistent. Nick still didn’t move.
Nick didn’t know how long the knocking and shouting pleas persisted, but just like every other time, the person left, and he was alone once more. He felt empty inside, his emotions unable to come out, however his life had turned into a black hole. There was no escape from it. His world was hollow and so was he without Sheila.
That’s when Nick got an idea. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of it sooner, for it was the ultimate solution to his problems. Nothing could change his mind though now that he had come to this resolution. He couldn’t tell anyone either because he knew that they’d try to talk him out of it. They would find out on their own, within time. When it was meant to be, they would find him, and by then it would be too late.
Nick hurriedly scribbled a note on to a scrap of paper, setting it down on the table before him. He knew that there was nothing left. Nothing left for him to live for. It was pointless for him to go on when half of his life was gone anyways. It was stupid for him to live, just for the sake of him being there if he wasn’t even going to try.
Nick reached for his sleeping pills, twisting off the child-proof cap. He peered inside of the bottle before turning it upside down, emptying half of the contents in to his hand. He poured them into his mouth, forcing them to go down his dry throat with a large, painful gulp. He was unexplainably calm, feeling no fears or regrets. This was what he had to do, and everyone would just have to see that and understand.
As he lay down and put his head on the pillow of his couch, Nick shut his eyes, expecting never to awaken again. He would go in his sleep, painlessly and as if naturally, just the way he wanted. A small smile formed on Nick’s lips. He was fulfilling his dream to be with Sheila once more. It was his only dream, and he was going to follow it. In spirit and in Heaven, he would be with his angel once again and he would never let her go this time.
Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,
“Nick, if you don’t answer this door in ten seconds, I’m breaking the god damned thing down and shaking you senseless.” Kevin bellowed from the outter side of the house.
Getting no response, Kevin waited a few more seconds before he started kicking as hard as he could at the front door. He knew that he must’ve looked like a mad man to passer-byes. But enough was enough. Nick had gone nearly a month without opening his door to them, and he was determined to get in and make Nick talk to him if it was the last thing he did.
Kevin continued to kick until he heard the lock give way and the door flew open. He stepped inside the house in fury without word. Loudly, he walked quickly through the entryway and around the house, his footsteps loud and thunderous to ones ears, especially echoing throughout the house on the hard wood flooring.
“Nickolas Gene Carter, you better not be hiding from me,” Kevin snarled as he made his way into another room still not finding Nick, “I will find you and when I do...”
Kevin’s threat came to a halt when he walked in to the living room to see Nick lying on his back on the couch. One arm was hanging off of the side of the couch, the other bent so that his hand was on his stomach. His head was tilted at an angle that didn’t look comfortable. Kevin’s breath caught in his throat as he slowly crept closer to his friend to examine what appeared to be a sleeping boy, only up close, it was anything but that. Nick’s eyes were open to slits, but all Kevin could see the whites of his eyes, for the rest were rolled back in to his head. A foam was in the corners of Nick’s mouth, and every few seconds more would protrude from it followed by a gurgle as his body would twitch once violently and then lay still for a stalled period of time before doing the same thing over again. Kevin’s hand flew to his mouth as he scanned the room, a torn piece of paper on the coffee table catching his eye. Kevin picked it up and read it quickly.
I went to be with Sheila again. Please don’t be mad and keep in mind that now I can be happy again. Thanks for caring.
Love, Nick
As his breathing started to become irregular, Kevin held back a scream as he fumbled for the phone that was also on the coffee table. He picked it up and called 911 as he checked for a pulse on Nick. He found one, which was weak and becoming even more so by the second, and told the dispatcher what he could before being promised that an ambulance was being sent on its way. All Kevin could do was wait and keep his eyes on the devastating sight that was before him, for he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away, no matter how much he wished that he could.
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By the time the other Boys came rushing through the doors to the ER waiting room, Nick had already been in one of the trauma rooms for an hour, and a doctor had already come out to inform Kevin on their friends current status, which was stable however unconscious. They’d pumped his stomach to rid it of all of its contents, including the thirty-six sleeping pills he’d swallowed. They’d told Kevin that if he hadn’t found Nick when he had, that in another twenty minutes, he’d have been beyond help. They also told Kevin that he’d found Nick most likely no more than ninety minutes before the suicide attempt. None of this made Kevin feel better though. All of it could have been prevented if they’d just made Nick open up sooner. He refused to feel guilty though, because he knew it wouldn’t do anyone any good. Besides, chances were, Nick would have followed through with his ill fated task anyways, only there was the good possibility that nobody would have even found him until it was too late.
“I can’t believe Nick would swa...try to....I can’t believe he’d do such a thing,” Howie muttered, not knowing what the right thing to say was.
Nobody else said anything. Silence seemed best to fit the mood, which was solemn and dark. Nick had overdosed on drugs, which was serious. It wasn’t sure how much damage had been done yet, which was what the doctors were trying to figure out at that moment. He’d escaped death once. What were the chances of his luck staying alive and him escaping it again?
“God, I know he misses Sheila, but to go off the deep end?” Brian whispered, keeping his head down and in his hands, “I didn’t think he was that type.”
Kevin said nothing, feeling as if he were going to vomit. They hadn’t had to look at Nick the way he had. Nick lying there dying slowly, purposefully. It was an image that Kevin knew that he would not be forgetting any time soon, if ever. They hadn’t had to look at Nick’s scrawled words writing out what had been a suicide note. Sure, they were all full of sad emotion over the route their friend had tried to take, however they wouldn’t ever feel what Kevin was feeling because they weren’t the ones who’d found Nick. Something about that fact made things so much more complicated and feelings just that much stronger.
“Nick is awake now. You may go see him for a short visit if you’d like.”
Kevin looked up, distracted from his thoughts. His friends were now standing and there was a white coated man before him as well. Kevin hadn’t even noticed him approach in the midst of his deep thoughts. He saw all eyes on him and he nodded slowly as he too stood up.
The four followed the man through a short maze of halls and into a large room labeled ICU. There were curtains all over giving each patient in there the privacy they needed. Soon the man abruptly stopped next to one of the curtains, the Boys halting behind him. There were a few minutes of silence, each one wondering what would happen next.
“Keep in mind he’s only been awake for about an hour, give or take a few minutes. He’s a little groggy and probably not feeling well, due to his stomach being pumped. For the record though, your friend is going to be fine. Just be gentle with him.”
The doctor opened up the curtain slightly to reveal Nick lying flat on his back on a bed on wheels. His eyes were open and he was staring up at the ceiling. One by one, the four Boys filed in to the small, cramped area, spacing themselves out around Nick’s bed. Nick didn’t move for a moment but slowly turned his head to look at each one before tears sprung to his eyes and his lip started to quaver. This wasn’t how he’d planned for things to be, but looking into his bloodshot eyes, Nick’s friends could tell that he was scared and confused.
“I just wanted to be with her again,” he whispered, his voice raspy from where it was likely a breathing tube had been earlier. He spoke as if he needed to explain and give them all an explanation, squeezing his eyes shut to block more tears from falling.
All was silent, not one knowing what to say in this situation. It was an awkward place for any of them to be in, and saying the wrong thing was always a huge possibility. The last thing that their grieving friend needed was to have something said to him which would make him feel even worse. They were angry and hurt by the path he’d tried to take, but knew that yelling would so no good. So with that in mind, Nick’s friends gave him comforting hugs, telling him that they were there for him without anything else being said as they just sat there with him, giving him the company and support he needed until he fell back asleep.
Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.
“You sure you’ll be alright alone?” Howie asked Nick as he pulled in to the blonde’s driveway.
Nick nodded sullenly. It was a month and a half later and he was finally able to return home. His stay in the hospital had been prolonged due to closely watched counseling because of his attempted suicide. After six weeks, the doctors had deemed him well enough to return home and had prescribed him a high dose of antidepressants, which he was to take every morning.
Reaching for the door handle, Nick placed his hand around it as he stared out of the window blankly. He slowly opened it as he scarcely made out the whispered words of what his friends were saying...about him.
“You sure you trust leaving him alone man?” A.J. asked, “What with the thing he did...I mean, what if he tries again to succeed this time once he’s by himself?”
“I don’t think he will,” Howie answered, his voice low, “He’s been taking medication and the doctor said that the counseling helped him enough that he should be alright.”
A.J. looked a little weary, but didn’t know how to argue his point any more than he had. Nick was a grown man, after all. Respectfully, he didn’t need looked after, but he was just worried about his friend. He didn’t want Nick to try to harm himself again with the next chance that he got. A.J. knew though that he, along with the other three, would just have to try and trust Nick and his judgement.
“You sure?” A.J. finally attempted, giving Howie a look, “ I think we should stick around and stay with him for at least a few hours...overnight possibly. At least one of us. Just in case. He was just released from the hospital today. I think it’s too soon for him to be alone again in his own home. Things can happen.”
Howie shook his head, “Nick’ll be fine. He said he would be. Besides, we don’t want to crowd him and invade his privacy. Smothering him will only make things worse.”
“I will be,” Nick insisted, finally turning his head to face the two who were now startled by the sound of his voice, “I am still in the car, you know,” he added, “I’m not deaf or stupid, so you don’t have to talk as if I am not here. And for the record, I just want to be left alone and all to collect my thoughts in silence.”
Howie gave A.J. an “I told you so” look, hiding the guilt written on his face because Nick hadn’t been meant to hear their conversation.
“You’ll call us if you need anything though, right?” Howie asked, knowing that now he was the one coming off as the overprotective parent, “Anything at all.”
“Yes,” Nick answered in monotone, “I’ll call.”
Howie nodded in satisfaction. That’s all he wanted to hear, because if Nick needed anything, day or night, he wanted him to feel free to call any of them.
“And we now have a copy of your house key for the new lock...since Kevin broke the old one... if we stop by and you don’t answer. We will get in and see you’re okay, one way or another.”
Nick rolled his eyes, fully opening the car door and stepping out. He felt like an untrusted child, and he supposed that his friends had every right not to trust him. At least they were giving him the chance to show that he wouldn’t try to rid himself of existence again though. He at least had that much freedom, and appreciated the chance, even though he wouldn’t speak the words to his friends.
As he closed the car door softly, he slowly made his way up the driveway. He could feel his friends eyes burning into the back of him as he unlocked his door and stepped into his house. A few sad tears fell as Nick slumped against the door. He was alone, and as much as he wanted to convince himself that he’d be okay, he couldn’t promise himself that he would be.
And when you're down and feel alone,
Just want to run away,
Trust yourself and don't give up,
You know you better than anyone else,
With it taking all he had in him, Nick forced his burning eyes open. He’d cried himself to sleep again. Two weeks after his second hospital release, and he was still crying himself to sleep, but at least he was sleeping. The antidepressants weren’t helping him any, and Nick wondered if a higher dosage would work, or if nothing would help him. That he was beyond help.
Getting up, Nick went in to the kitchen to find something to eat. He wasn’t hungry, however he’d already lost a significant amount of weight and knew that for his own health, which he’d eventually care about again, he should at least have something. Anything.
Feeling empty inside, not from hunger but from loss, Nick looked through his cupboards for a few minutes without really finding anything that was appealing to him. He closed the doors, deciding that he wouldn’t eat anything after all. He felt hollow and felt he was on a constant downward fall. Nick knew deep down that it shouldn’t be taking him this long to pick himself back up again and move forward, however it was, and he had no ambition to even try either.
With sudden impulse, Nick mechanically walked over to his sliver ware drawer, opening it up and pulling out a sharp steak knife. He looked at the glimmering, sparkling silver of the blade, grazing it lightly with his finger before softly taking it to his wrist, tracing his veins so that if left a temporary faint line, but not hard enough to leave a permanent mark or break skin. He did this without even realizing it, and a second later, snapped out of his trance, realizing what he was doing. Nick dropped the knife quickly, stumbling backwards to get as far from it as he could. Scared tears filled his eyes as his breathing became irregular. He didn’t want to do anything stupid, and what frightened him was that he hadn’t really known what he was doing for an instant. It had been as if some other force had taken over the control of his body. Nick knew that he do something fast before something did happen and it was too late. He didn’t want to risk the unknown force taking over again, causing him to harm himself fatally. So he did the first thing that came to mind.
Picking up the phone, he dialed Kevin’s number. It rang and rang without an answer, and Nick wondered if he was being avoided so nobody would have to be burdened with his problems and despair. The paranoia vanished though when his call was answered.
“Hello?”
Nick didn’t say anything, afraid to speak suddenly. How would he explain this to the man whom he’d called. What would he say? There was no easy way to tell Kevin, or any of them, what had just gone one in his home. They’d thing he was crazy...
“Hello?” Kevin said again, “Anybody there?”
Nick took in a deep breath, deciding to go for it. Opening his mouth, he called out meekly, “Kev...I...I need help.”
Without hesitation, Kevin answered, “We’ll be right there.” and hung up
Nick hung up too, breathing a sigh of relief. In ten minutes, he’d have someone to talk to. Everything would be okay. At least for this time.
Any moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of yesterday,
Nick sighed as he knelt down next to Sheila’s grave. He just couldn’t let her go. He’d killed her, he’d tried to kill himself to be with her, he’d talked to his friends about his feelings. He still couldn’t rid himself of the guilt he felt though. It was the first time he was visiting her tomb, yet the wave of emotions he was feeling were worse than ever.
He gently placed his hand on the marble slab coming from the ground, softly tracing his fingers over the engravement of her name. SHEILA DOMANIK. Tears brimmed his eyes, the saltiness stinging them as he roughly pulled his hand back as if he’d been burned. It was too soon for him to be here. He wasn’t ready to go out yet and face the world. Nick suddenly felt an urgency to go back to his house and lock himself up again until he could handle the outdoors without panicking. He was about to get up and leave when he heard footsteps behind him. Nick froze as the footsteps crunching against the freshly cut grass came closer and closer. He closed his eyes, preparing for the worst case scenario, being her family was whom was now standing directly behind him.
“We thought we’d find you here.” came a male voice
Nick turned around and looked up into the eyes of Brian and A.J. He stared for a moment before turning his gaze back to his late girlfriends name. He said nothing, wanting to just be left alone to grieve for a little while, yet at the same time wanting to flee. He felt like a deer caught in the headlights, not knowing which way to turn. Either way seemed the wrong choice.
“We stopped by your house,” AJ spoke, “When you didn’t answer and we didn’t find you inside, we had a feeling you’d be here.”
Nick started to shake as he held in a loud sob begging to escape his lips. He refused to break down in front of his friends though. He couldn’t lose his composure. He was losing his battle though as a weak cry came out. His voice quavered as he spoke, the words coming out sqeaky.
“I still miss her so much,” he stated, “It’s my fault she’s dead. If I’d never gone through that small city, she’d be here with me right now.”
His friends listened as Nick said again what he’d already told them so many times before. Their hearts ached for him, not able to imagine what his loss must feel like, nor did they want to know. AJ thought of his girlfriend, Kaitlyn, and had the urge to go and find her, making sure that she was safe and okay just to double check.
“It isn’t your fault,” Brian told his friend, kneeling down to pat him on the back comfortingly as the young blonde boy hiccuped on his sobs, “The guy who shot her is at fault, and they have him in custody. He’s going to pay for what he did. You shouldn’t make yourself pay for it when you didn’t do anything.”
Nick listened to his friends wise words, yet they didn’t make him feel any better. He still felt empty and in some words, non-existent. Like he was just living and breathing, but not really there. Just following through with the motions of life, forcing himself to go on each day.
“He’s right man,” A.J. spoke up, “Just live each day as its own. Don’t dwell on the past so much. I mean hell, it’s okay to grieve and be upset, but don’t let it take over your life like this. It’s not healthy and damn, it’s obvious in your looks. Besides, Sheila wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself, and you damn well know it.” his voice was stern yet his tone was gentle, making it known that he cared but was serious at the same time.
Nick took A.J’s words in to consideration. What he said was true. Sheila wouldn’t want him to torture himself like this. She’d want him to get on with his life. Yet Nick just couldn’t force himself to do that yet. He’d feel like he was betraying her by living when her life was done.
As his body began to tremble harder at the thought of losing her, Nick abruptly stood, trying to steady his swaying body. He took in a few deep breaths to compose himself, but nothing was working, as he was getting himself into a frenzy thinking too hard about what might have been and what should be. The world felt as if it was closing in on him and Nick suddenly felt claustrophobic.
“I need to get out of here,” he muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets as he quickly walked around his friends and out of the Cemetery where his new car was parked. He got inside and drove away at a fast speed, wondering if he’d ever be okay. At this rate, he didn’t think he ever would be again, and from the looks of it, his friends seemed to be giving up on him as well.
Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
And start to try,
Cause it's your time,
Time to fly.
Nick shook as he stepped out on to the porch of his house. The sunlight was bright, and something he was not used to. He squinted, backing up slightly in hopes to go back to the safety of his living room, where he’d spent another month since he’d gone out to visit Sheila’s grave. He was stopped though by a strong pair of hands behind him being placed on his shoulders, pushing him back outward and forcing him to go down the steps as he pulled the door shut behind them.
“No you don’t,” Brian laughed, “You’ve been hiding away for a total of four and a half months now. It’s time to get out, get some fresh air, and enjoy yourself.”
Nick looked out to the large SUV that was parked in the driveway. The back door was open revealing A.J. and Howie in the back seat, and he could see Kevin in the drivers seat. He’d been wrong about one thing. His friends hadn’t given up on him. They’d stayed persistent and true. Nick was thankful for that, however...
“I’m not ready yet,” Nick tried to protest solemnly, “I don’t want to enjoy myself. I’m content at home.”
He got no answer as he was pushed in to the SUV. The door was shut behind him as Brian jogged around to the passenger front side of the car and hopped inside. Soon the vehicle was backing out of his driveway and Nick watched helplessly as his house disappeared from view. There was no escape for him now. He was being kidnaped by his own friends. Nick slumped low in to his seat, buckling up the safety belt.
“Where are you guys taking me?” Nick finally questioned skeptically after ten minutes of torturous silence in the back seat of the car. The smirks on the faces of his friends was enough to sicken him.
“You’ll see,” Howie stated, which told Nick nothing. He just shook his head and stared straight ahead. He wasn’t in the mood to be out at all, let alone having his head messed with. His friends weren’t going to crack though.
Not soon enough, the SUV pulled in to a parking lot. There didn’t seem to be a whole lot around, but the lot was full. Nick raised an eyebrow as they paid for parking then pulled in to the next slot where they were directed to. They all got out of the car and walked a long distance following a horde of others. Loud sounds arose the closer they got and soon Nick realized where they’d taken him when he saw an enormous roller coaster peeking up from over a tree top. His eyes got wide as he started to shake his head roughly. This was too much to soon. All of the people, the rides, somewhere that you were supposed to have fun at. And Nick fully expected that he wouldn’t have any fun.
“Think of it this way,” A.J. stated when he noticed the look on the youngest Boys face, “It’ll be a great stress reliever. You can have fun if you want, scream on the rides to let everything out if you want...it’s perfect.”
Nick didn’t see A.J’s logic and really didn’t want to stay. But Kevin paid the admission for all of them and Nick knew that he was stuck. He solemnly followed his friends, his body slumped over into a hunchback position. Nick knew already that if there was any way he was going to survive this day, he’d just have to go with the flow. So that’s what he did as he found himself in line for one of the rides. The wait was forty-five minutes long, and then after just under three minutes on the ride, it was over and they were off to the next line to wait in. This continued for another three hours and four rides, the others talking, their conversations not really being listened to by Nick. His attitude was caught on to, and after the large coaster they’d been waiting for, he was pulled aside.
“Will anything make you have a good time?” Brian asked him, “We’re trying here and your acting like a teenager stuck with their parents at the mall on a Friday night. We’re trying to be understanding, but it’s been nearly five months and you’re getting worse. You should slowly be getting better.”
Nick shrugged, mumbling his answer under his breath. Nobody understood him, but they didn’t ask him to repeat himself either. All they knew was that something had to be done to make Nick enjoy himself for just a couple of hours. So Nick was drug into a comedy show that was to start in fifteen minutes. Seats around them were filling up fast, which either meant that the show was worth it, or people were using the air conditioned building to escape the heat for a small duration of time.
“If this doesn’t dig the tree branch out of your ass...” A.J. joked, elbowing Nick in the side.
“Ouch,” Nick whined, curling up into a ball by himself to tell people that he wanted to be left to himself.
A.J. looked down the row at the others and
rolled his eyes. The lights dimmed soon after and it became pitch black as a spotlight hit the stage and a curtain opened. The comedian opened up right off with a joke. It seemed the entire building erupted into laughter. All except for Nick, who hardly cracked a smile. He just didn’t find anything worth laughing over. His friends attempt was kind, however he wasn’t in the mood for comedy.
The jokes continued, each one becoming more comedic than the last. Nick started to loosen up a bit, forgetting about his worries and sadness for a few minutes. His friends noticed too, and breathed a sigh of relief. The closing joke was the funniest of them all, which was to be expected, as comedians usually saved the best for last as something to remember their show by.
Nick gave a small laugh. It wasn’t much, but at least it was there and the laughter was for the first time since Sheila’s death. The feeling felt good and something he’d desperately needed. It died slowly though until all that was left was a small, but genuine smile. He still missed and loved Sheila, and would every day for all the years to come. He still felt some guilt over what had happened, and felt bad about laughing when she would never do so again. However it was time for him to start living again and stop hiding away. This was the first day of the rest of his life, and Nick fully planned on making the most of the time he had left.
Any moment, everything can change.
Fly by sweet18_2003
