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Chapter 5

Against his better judgment Nick pulled out his cell phone along with the piece of paper that had Alex's phone number scribbled on it. Shakily, Nick dialed the numbers and waited as it rang. Nick wrapped his arms around himself in order to keep himself warm.

"Hello?" came Alex's sleepy voice.

"Alex? It's Nick.." Nick replied, his voice revealing all of his pain.

"Nick, what's wrong?"

"Can I talk to you?" Nick questioned nervously.

"Yeah, of course. What's wrong?" Alex asked again.

"I am so confused. There are so many things on my mind that I don't know what to do any more," Nick rambled on. "I can't act like it doesn't bother me any more."

"Act like what doesn't bother you?" Alex asked cautiously.

"Loosing Sammy and leaving the group," Nick replied sadly.

"God Nick, all of that happened over twenty years ago," Alex said. "You've been holding all that in for this long?"

"Erin didn't want me to think about my old life. I couldn't tell her what I was feeling. Besides, she doesn't know what I went through that year. Only you and the guys do."

"What am I supposed to do Nick?"

"Make it stop hurting," Nick answered as he gasped for air through his hysterical crying. Alex shut his eyes and listened to Nick cry for the next few minutes.

"How am I supposed to do that Nick? You know as well as I do that there isn't anything that we can do," Alex replied. "What's done is done."

"Haven't you ever wondered what it would be like if we got back together? The group I mean," Nick questioned.

"Yeah, I used to sit back and think about that all of the time. Not as much any more though because too much as time has gone by and I've started my own life," Alex explained.

"Have you found closure for the past?"

"I have," Alex replied. "But I didn't lose as much as you did. Do you want to get together tomorrow at your place maybe? So we can talk?"

"No, you can't come to my place. I wouldn't be able to explain your visit to Erin. Besides, I don't want to tell her about all of this. Because if you come to talk, she's going to want to talk and that's not what I want."

"You are home now, right?"

"No. I'm sitting on a bench at the park," he replied.

"Okay. Stay right where you are Nick. I'll be there as soon as I can, alright?" Alex ordered. Nick sniffled and brushed away the tears that had been rolling down his cheeks.

"Yeah, I'm not going anywhere," he answered. Nick hung up his phone and put it back into his pocket. He knew he shouldn't be dwelling in the past. The longer he did, the more pain he was likely to face. He gasped again as his tears once again took control. Why was he letting all of this get to him now? He had lived for over twenty years without any problems. In that time he had started a family and everything seemed perfect.

Why should be feel so hurt? Everything turned out pretty well. Not exactly has he had planned, but it was still good. He was lucky, he knew that, but there was always going to be that part of him that would always wonder 'what if?'... What if things hadn't ended the way they did? What if the guys had stayed together? What if.. each question left unanswered.
"Nick," Alex said as he walked up to Nick.

"Hi," Nick mumbled as he looked up at Alex. Alex sighed and sat down next to Nick.

"What's wrong man? When did this all start getting to you again?" Alex asked as he looked over towards his saddened friend.

"Today. I was in the attic looking for the Christmas stuff and I came across this box with a lot of stuff in it. It was all from back when we were going around the world. There was this picture of us and one of our CD's was right on top. It really got me thinking. Then I found this photo album and there was this picture of me and Sam..." he trailed off.

"You still miss Sam," Alex finished for him. Nick looked over at Alex and took a deep breath.

"More than I can even explain," he answered. "What am I supposed to do? It's been twenty something fucking years and it still kills me to think about what happened."

"You loved her," he replied. "Have you talked to anyone about this since it happened?"

"Other than you guys, no. I've mentioned it to Erin but she doesn't really want to hear it. She just says that's in the past and that I shouldn't let it get to me, but she doesn't know. She doesn't know what it's like to lose your fiancé and child at the same time."

"What exactly do you want me to do?" Alex asked after a moment of thinking about what Nick had told him.

"I don't know. I know you can't change anything, I know you can't bring Sam back, but you're the only one that understands and knows what I went through."

"I'm sure you've got a good family, why are you letting this bring you so far down?"

"My family is great, it's just I can't help thinking about the family that I might have had if I hadn't lost Sam. How different would things be?"

"Nick, I know as many answers to those questions as I do. We'll never know what life would have been life. There's really no way to find out. All either of us can do is appreciate what we have because we could be worse off and have nothing at all."

"I understand that, but I can't help but wonder."

"And it's okay to wonder. It's natural. I used to wonder about how things would have been different if the circumstances had been different. There are so many possibilities. Who knows what else we could have achieved if we had just kept going? We'll never know. Just like we'll never know how things would have been with Samantha. You can't let it take control."

"I know that AJ, but it's just too much." Alex let a small laugh escape his lips. "What's so funny?"

"You just called me AJ. I haven't been called AJ in years," Alex explained. "Kaos." Nick looked up at Alex and smiled.

"I miss that," Nick confessed.

"How'd you explain the tattoo to your wife?" Alex asked referring to the 'kaos' tattoo he had going down his spine.

"I told her that that's what they used to call me. She suggested that I get it removed but I wasn't having that. I didn't go through the shit I went when I got it for nothing." Alex laughed.

"I remember. We were on tour and you couldn't sleep for a week because you'd always roll onto your back and wake up screaming," he told as he laughed.

"You and Brian were always trying to hit me on the back just to make me jump," Nick continued as he too laughed. "You guys got me good a few times too."

"I still remember the look on your face when we did that," Alex stated as he stopped laughing. "You looked so hurt and pissed. Me and Brian got out of there before you had a chance to catch us."

"Those were the days," Nick sighed. "I'd give up just about anything to have those days back 'cause I really miss it."

"I think we should be heading home. It's getting really late," Alex suggested as he looked down at his watch.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I need to apologize to Erin for yelling at her like I did," Nick reasoned.

"Alright, I'll see you around."

"Yeah, we should hang out again.. under better circumstances," Nick replied.