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Chapter Two

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

Kevin sighed as he went in to singing the chorus of one of the new song possibilities for their album. They’d decided on giving this particular song a more rock edge after playing around with it, deciding that it being done as a slow song sounded wrong and more pop just didn’t fit in to the new sound they were going for. The words were really making him think though. The lyrics bringing back memories that he’d just assume forget. No matter what he was doing though, and where he was, the memories were still stuffed in the back of his mind, making him sad on the inside even though he tried hard to hide it.

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

These words served true, if Kevin were to really think about it. He was trying with all of his might to move ahead and get on with his life, but he still missed Kristen, even though she’d screwed him over and left him in a heartless, cold manner. He hadn’t even seen her since that day he’d gone to her modeling recital and she’d broken the news to him. And his dreams were empty too. Ever since she’d left, he felt that he had nothing really to look forward to. Music was great. Singing and performing, and almost about to go out on the road again was something he was looking forward to. His life had been just about meaningless in the year and a half off, having nothing to do and no special somebody to have at home with him and cuddle up with. Now, besides his music, he had nothing to look forward to. Not really.

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

Was there anybody else out there for him? Kevin sure didn’t think that there was at this moment. He wanted his Kristen back. He’d lost her for good though. Last he knew, she was engaged already to somebody else. Had she been seeing this other man before the divorce? Kevin wasn’t sure. He knew that she wasn’t a bad person. He did still love her, after all. Maybe she was right though in the fact that they just weren’t right for one another and never had been. It was honestly a confusing situation and Kevin didn’t know what to make of it. And he did feel lost. He felt as if he were just going through the movements. When Howie had tried to kill himself, he’d snapped out of it for awhile. He was still worried about his slightly younger friend, but all of his own life’s drama was coming back as well.

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again Just want you to know

That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

The song finished and Kevin breathed a sigh of relief. Every single lyric of the song fit exactly how he felt. It was as if it had been written for his situation. Each word stabbed at his heart, making him miss his ex more. It was as if it was taunting him, mimicking his sadness. After all, the song was about losing somebody you love, and trying to move on, but hoping that they come back, right?

“You alright, Kev?”

Kevin looked up and saw Brian standing next to him. Kevin shrugged, looking around him. He realized he must have spaced out when he saw the others standing there. He wondered if they’d started another song and he’d blanked or just caught the look in his eyes which he knew had to have read something along the lines of longing.

“Yeah, fine,” the eldest man stated, “Just...the song reminds me of Kris...that’s all.” he sighed. It was no secret that he missed her, “That last song just made it all come back ten times stronger than usual.”

“It’s alright, man...you were with her for almost twenty years...its gonna take more than one and a half to get over her,” Nick stated.

“You were a little off though,” AJ informed the man, “We’re gonna have to re-do the song so it sounds just right.”

Kevin looked at AJ and could tell that he felt guilty even bringing up the subject in the situation. It had to be done, because they all had to sound absolutely perfect in every song. No mess ups. If he sounded off, then it messed the entire song up. He cringed, wondering just how poorly he’d sounded.

“This is probably going to be one of the tracks that makes the album...will likely be one of the hit singles...so it has to be good.” Brian informed him of a fact that Kevin was already well aware of, “Let’s try again...think you’re up to it now or should we wait?”

Kevin shrugged, wincing at how badly he must have done if they had to re-do the song. He knew that this happened at times anyways, but he felt bad for being the one to set everyone back. Especially so soon in to recording. It was only the first day, after all. The first day of a couple months worth of hard work. With a sigh, he knew he’d have to focus. Really, truly focus on singing and wash away all of his thoughts and problems and sorrows. He was working now. It was time to leave everything else at the door on the other side, picking them back up again on the way out.

“Sure, let’s try again.” Kevin agreed, “I’ll be okay this time.”

“Alright,” Brian gave the studio workers a thumbs up, telling them that it was okay to start again, “Let’s take it from the top.” and the music started again as Nick’s voice rang out almost immediately.

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“Things went well today, dontcha think?” Howie asked, looking around the round table at his four best friends as he took a drink of his water, “I mean, as well as they could have for day one, right?”

He got several nods. It was obvious that they were all exhausted to a certain extent. After all, they weren’t really used to the long hours and working or being in the studios. Day one was down, and they had two songs that would be useful, turning out perfectly. It wasn’t much, but it was a start. They knew that they had a long ways to go, and were prepared for any obstacles that came their way.

“Yeah,” AJ rasped, breathing in on once of his cigarettes, “Things did go well. I like how the new sound is turning out,” he paused, looking over to his best friend for a moment. His eyes lingered on him for a second before speaking his thoughts out loud, “You’re not feeling too overworked, are you D?”

“No,” Howie sighed in exasperation, “I’m fine now...I swear to you, I am fine. I’m going to be fine. The cutting is over,” he saw his best friend wince at him snapping, the others drawing back in shock, immediately feeling bad for his outburst, “I’m sorry. I just want to get on with my life and it’s rather difficult with everybody always reminding me of my past, hounding me over it. It just makes things worse.”

“We’re sorry,” Brian said, “We care though...we can’t stress enough how much we care and worry.”

Howie shrugged. Again, he just wished that everybody would leave him alone with his histories problem. It was something he’d done, something he couldn’t reverse. He couldn’t turn back time and do anything over. If he could, he was pretty sure that he would in a heartbeat, going for help sooner. But with the way they were treating him now, he was beginning to wish he hadn’t been found on time. He hated being treated like a child, them having to put a safety lock on everything. He felt so damned guilty that it hurt.

Howie then looked over to AJ, who was avoiding even looking in his direction. He sighed. Would his and AJ’s friendship ever be what it once was? They had good days, where they got along great, then days where AJ warded him off, keeping his distance. Luckily, most days were good ones. They’d known each other and had pretty much become good friends before the Boys had even been developed, always seeing one another at various auditions. It seemed hard to believe that they’d known each other for so long. He wanted the strong friendship back though. The closeness that Frick and Frack shared. The bond that Brian and Kevin had. Since his depression and fall, Howie felt as if he were just felt sorry for and nobody really wanted to even be around him. They were just dealing with him until he got the hint and moved on all on his own.

“I know you do,” Howie finally said, “But don’t. I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t ready to be or want to be.”

By the looks on his friends faces, Howie knew he’d made a good point that was finally sinking in to the thick skulls of the men. He wouldn’t be there unless he was one hundred percent sure. He still did want to be a proud member of the Backstreet Boys. He just wanted things to go back to how they used to be years ago. That would be impossible though unless he was believed in again. But now, nobody knew what to say, afraid of the wrong things coming out to further insult Howie.

“Um, Nick...are you okay?” Brian asked after a few minutes, the attention shifting to the youngest of the group, “You’ve been quiet all night.”

“Yeah...and didn’t order anything to eat,” Kevin pointed out, “You usually are shoving in our leftovers.” he cracked at the blonde, “What’s up with that?”

Nick shrugged, not even smiling. In fact, the others wondered if he’d even heard or processed a thing that they’d said. His gaze stayed down, his spunk and energy completely gone. In fact, he hadn’t really been himself all day, which was unusual. The first real day of recording, and he hadn’t even hinted of being excited. Now that the cousins had called upon it, the AJ and Howie noticed too, wondering what was going on with their friend who was usually the life of the party, lightening the mood to any situation.

“Nick!” Brian and Kevin sharply said in unison, distracting the boy in to looking up at them blankly, “Are you okay?” Brian asked.

“Guess so,” Nick paused, swallowing, “I just don’t feel too good today.”

A worried expression passed over every ones features as they suddenly noticed just how pale he did look. Nobody had paid much attention before, but the blonde friend of theirs was extremely white and flushed, his movement sluggish and weak.

“What do you feel like?” Kevin asked, his fatherly role taking over with genuine concern for Nick.

Nick didn’t say anything for a moment. He just sat there, his body swaying slightly as he tried with all his might to stay upright. He swallowed, his throat burning as he did so. He winced, wishing that he had some sort of medicine to take, as he just continued to feel worse by the minute.

“I don’t know,” he coughed, “I’m just tired, ache all over. My head hurts and my heart feels like...it’s bout to beat out of...my chest.” The way he was talking let it be known that he was also short on breath.

“Hopefully it will pass by tomorrow,” AJ stated, figuring that he was just having a hard time falling back in to sync of things. The eighteen months was longer than they’d ever been out of work, and their work was stressful. Knowing Nick, he’d done nothing but sit on his butt for the entire year and a half, only getting up to eat or use the bathroom.

“Yeah,” Nick replied, forcing a faint smile that lasted all of but a second, “I’m sure it will.” he added none too convincingly

As he said it though, nobody believed him. He didn’t even believe himself. Only one day of recording was down and they were already facing problems. Little did they know, this was just the beginning.