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”A penny for your thoughts..”
He almost jumped from his seat as she put her hands on his shoulders. He turned his head and looked at her, not saying a word for almost a minute, after which he simply replied “Was just thinking.”
“I noticed that, silly. What’s on your mind?”
“Nothing.”
“Yeah right, so you were thinking of nothing. That explains why you haven’t heard I thing I said in the last half hour or so. Define nothing, Howie.”
“Nothing, alright. Just drop it.” He snapped at her, knowing he shouldn’t. She lifted her hands from his shoulders and held them up in defense. “Alright, so nothing it is.”


A knock on the door brought him back to reality. He got on his feet and walked over to the door, but whoever it was, wasn’t that patient, because the person on the other side knocked again, now almost breaking the door down. “I’m almost rooted out on your front porch, open this door already.. Geez..” He chuckled as he got his jacket and keys before opening the door. “What took you so long man..” He rolled his eyes at the guy and chuckled. “Let’s just go alright.”


She plopped down on the couch next to him, snapping him back to reality.
”Do you now want to tell me what’s on your mind?”
He looked at her and a little smile danced onto his face. “You know, you’re starting to act like Kevin.”
She giggled and rolled her eyes at him. “Thanks a lot, D.”
“Anytime girl..” He no longer was smiling, instead sadness was displayed on his face.
“So? What is going on in that head of yours?”
“Please, Wendy, drop it. It’s just.. stupid..”
“Great, I love stupid stories. I would ask Nick to open his mouth and just talk, but since he’s not here, tell me your stupid story..
You’re probably not as good as him, but hey, give it a shot. Entertain me!”
Howie wasn’t even close to smiling and let out a big sigh. “It’s just..” but his voice trailed off, back to the thoughts that plagued him.
She knew he was thinking of something serious, his eyes gave him away, so she leaned forward and gently pulled him into a hug. “Tell me, Howie.”


“What are you thinking of, D.?”
“Nothing, Alex. Just memories.”
“Memories.. of what?”
“Us, how things were before all of this shit happened.”
A.J. nodded in response, not knowing how to respond to this. He then turned his attention the road before him.


”It’s just.. I miss her..”
“Ofcourse you miss her.”
“I.. I don’t know.. Sometimes I just feel like I should be over it by now.” He shrugged. Wendy shook her head at those words. “Howie, it’s only been three months.” “I know..” he choked out, then the tears began to stream down his face, while at the same time he was mad for letting his feelings get to him.
“It’s just.. people sometimes tell me that I shouldn’t be so depressed all the time..”
“Who’s saying that? One of the guys?” she sounded angry. He shook his head. “Listen D., it’s not important what other people think, alright? Well, except for me ofcourse.” She smiled at him. “Just kidding. But really Howie, no one has the right to tell you when you have to be over it or anything like that. It’s your feelings.. not theirs..”


“D., we’re here.. Time to get that Latino ass of yours out of my car!” A.J. yelled as he yanked the door on the passenger side open. Howie looked at him and smiled. Sometimes Alex was just a crazy guy, or a freak as they often called him playfully. He got out of the car, then pulled A.J. into a hug, who was surprised at the gesture and didn’t understand why he suddenly felt his friends grasp.
“D.. what did I do to deserve this man?” he laughed and hugged his friend back. “Nothing, Jay.. Nothing..”


”Look at me. It’s pathetic.”
“What is?”
“This.. crying my eyes out. I look like an idiot and feel like one too.”
“Howie, all I see is a man who is grieving for the loss of his sister. A man in pain, which is perfectly understandable. Heck, it’s normal to not being able to see the silver lining right now. She was taken away from you and your family without any of you being able to do anything about it. Just remember that you don’t have to go through this alone. We are all here for you, but you have to let us in instead of shutting us out as you’ve been doing for the last couple of weeks, okay?” He nodded slowly. “ Now come here and let me give you one of my famous hugs. Just don’t blow your nose in this shirt, alright? It’s Brian’s.. owh what the hell.. use it.. he’ll be sooo pissed when he finds out, it’s gonna be funny, with the accent and all.” Howie sincerely chuckled, feeling calmer now and realizing his feelings were normal. Deep down he knew they were, but hearing someone say it, made him actually believe it. He hugged his friend and imagined Brian ranting abou strange stains in his shirt..


The two men headed for the hospital entrance, hesitant to actually go in. Not knowing if there would be good or bad news waiting for them, made them wanting to remain in the unknown for just a little bit longer. A.J. glanced at Howie. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“I don’t know, Alex.. you are the pervert, so I guess not.”
“Hey dude!” A.J. snickered as he hit Howie on the head. “I was thinking about taking a little walk in the hospital garden before we go in.” He put on his sunglasses to protect his eyes from the sunlight. “Sounds like an idea to me.” Howie said as he turned left, towards the garden, followed by A.J. who looked up to the fifth floor of the hospital, thinking of her. The thought of losing her, made him shiver, feeling as if a part of him would die with her. He immediately was angry with himself for thinking those thoughts. She would get through this, she had too. God could not take her away from them right now, not now it felt like the group was falling apart with Kevin acting so strangely, Nick seemed to be going through a small depression, and Brian suddenly acting so hostile towards his cousin and sometimes even towards Leighanne. They really needed a break, a chance to bond again, but it didn’t seem like something like that was going to happen soon. And indeed, it wasn’t...

~~~~

After he said ‘hi’ to her, he had a small breakdown, bursting into tears. He felt the love for her was still there, and that was scaring him. On one hand, he was glad he still knew how to feel anything, on the other, there was a chance he’d lose her too. As he looked at her pretty face, he knew he wouldn’t be able to take that. Kevin was now fighting to hold back the tears, but seeing her so vulnerable and him being helpless to do anything that would help her get better, wasn’t making things easier to handle. He remembered the night he held her, feeling how she was calming him down, by doing nothing more than snuggling up to him. Now seeing her, made him upset. He wanted to lay down next to her, hold her, try to get back the safe feeling he had that night, but he knew he couldn’t. Since it wasn’t clear yet what was wrong, he could harm her by moving her. He had no choice than to sit next to her, hold her hand and start his explanation all over again. If only he knew how to start this time, what to say and how not to break down.

He subconsciously licked his lips, took a deep sigh and began to speak out the things he had been holding in for way too long. “Wendy.. there are some things I need to tell you.. I’m not sure you can hear me, but.. I-I.. need to tell you anyway. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I fled that day.” This was harder than he had imagined it to be, but he wasn’t sure why. She could not judge him by his words, maybe it was because he hadn’t spoken about his feelings for a long, long time.
“I just felt I had no choice but to run off. That was my only option. It’s.. complicated.. I fled because.. I realized something.” He now softly squeezed her hand as if that would give him the strength to continue, which it did for some reason. “I realised I love you.. And that.. it just scared the hell out of me. I tried to tell myself that I was just imagining things, that this couldn’t be true. I didn’t want to love you at first, sunshine. I.. I have my reasons. God, how am I going to explain this..”
Kevin knew he had to, if only for his own sake, so that he could now openly say it, instead of holding it in, keeping it locked up, which made him physically ill, and mentally depressed. He let go of her hand and rubbed his face with his hands. He then rested his chin on the palm of his left hand, the other he placed on top of her warm hand, not wanting to lose contact. “When I got your letter, I wanted to call you. I wanted to explain everything, but I was so scared. I didn’t know how to tell you about my feelings, my fears, my doubts, my sins.. And now, it may be too late..” His voice trailed off as the tears worked their way up to his eyes. He let his head hang down, and let the tears run free down his cheeks as he gasped for air, feeling this cry was inevitable. He felt terrified as he was about to open up the debts of his soul to her.

“There’s something I have never told you, sunshine. Nobody knows, not even the guys. I could not tell you, you would’ve cut me out of your life back then and I needed all of you to be there for me, to help me through the guilt I was feeling, even though you weren’t even aware of that. The guilt never disappeared. As time went by, it became more difficult to tell you, and so I decided to keep it a secret. But I can’t anymore, Wendy.. I.. I can’t.. You need to know, you have a right to know. Stacey.. she was killed..” Kevin looked at her as she appeared to be asleep, the look on her face as sweet as if she was an angel. He looked away and stuttered as he tried to say the thing he had never admitted to anyone. “I k-k-killed her.”

On the outside, Brian was shocked as he heard his cousin’s confession, and he put his hand on the wall next to the door for support. He closed his eyes for a second, not able to comprehend what he’d just heard. He noticed his cousin broke into tears once more, but felt as if he could not move a muscle. Stacey, killed? That was just ridiculous, impossible, out of the question. He opened his eyes and his thoughts went back to the day officer Keely had told his older cousin the devastating news of her death. Thank God he and Howie were there when he was told, because he totally lost it. He couldn’t have killed her, they were with him the moment she passed away. Kevin didn’t kill her.. Her death was an accident..