”I’m so happy right now. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” Kevin said as he and Stacey were on the couch, her head resting on his lap, her eyes meeting his gaze as he looked down at her. He was stroking her hair with his left hand, as she was gently caressing his cheek.
“I know..” she teased before she continued. “I couldn’t be happier, honey..”
“I could..” he softly said, immediately regretting he brought up the issue again that would probably start a fight, like it always did in these last few months. Stacey immediately sat up, giving him a dirty look, because she knew where this was going. “Kevin, not again.”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I just think-”
“I know what you think, but would you please just think of how I feel about all of this?!”
“I just don’t understand what’s holding you back, Stacey..”
She sighed as she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “That’s because you don’t want to understand.”
“I do.. I just..”he said as he leaned forward, raking a hand through his dark hair.
“I’m not ready, Kev.”
“So when will you be?! Will you EVER be?” he felt anger rising up to the surface, even though he wanted to keep his cool, he just couldn’t. It didn’t seem fair. In the beginning of their relationship, they had discussed the issue, and they agreed on it, but now, it felt as if she was backing out on him. Even though he knew he had no right to push her, it also didn’t seem right that she was not fullfilling his dream when earlier on she had told him she had the same wishes and hopes for the future.
“I don’t know, Kevin, but you pushing me won’t make things go any faster!”She took in a deep breath, before she turned to look at him, but since he was staring at the wall, she turned her head and did the same. “I’m not so sure I even want to have children anymore..”
This was shocking news to Kevin, before she had always said she did want to have his children, but that she was too young to become a mother at that point in time. “W-what did you just say?”
She shrugged, but he didn’t notice. “I’m not sure about becoming a mom.”
She said it as if she was talking about groceries instead of children, the one thing he had always longed for ever since the two of them got together. “Why?” he whispered. Again, she shrugged. “I’m not sure. I guess I always had my doubts..”
“You WHAT?!”he exploded out of nowhere, feeling as if she had betrayed him. When they talked about it in the years before, she always seemed determined about trying to have children, and now.. now she was telling him it was all one big lie?! “You always had your doubts, but told me you were certain about having children?! I can’t freaking believe this..”
She simply nodded her head as the tears slowly began to fall. She knew she shouldn’t have told him she was sure, but she was so scared of losing him she did. Maybe later on, she would feel her biological clock ticking, but at the time she was too young to make such a decision. How could she be sure of something that would change their lives forever when she was at that point in her life? “I-I didn’t want to lose you..”
“Well, you should’ve thought of that earlier, Stacey!” he exclaimed.
She lifted her head, feeling as if he had just told her he’d get a divorce, but he didn’t mean that, did he?
“Wait.. are you saying..”
“I don’t know what I’m saying, I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now!! You lied to me, Stacey! You LIED to me about something so very important. I could’ve handled you not being sure, you know.. But you choose to lie about it from the start, making me feel on top of the world, the happiest man alive, and now..” he trailed off, staring at their weddingpicture on the mantlepiece.
“I’m sorry..” she whispered so softly he barely heard her.
“Sorry doesn’t make things right this time, Stacey.” He took a deep breath, not wanting to say the following, but knowing he had to. This time he didn’t feel like he had a choice. He needed some time alone. “I-I need some time to think things over. I’m gonna call Brian and ask him if I can stay there for a while.”
She nodded, knowing she had really screwed up this time, then slowly shook her head. “Don’t.. I’ll go and stay at Samantha’s cabin for a while. I still have a spare key and she won’t mind.” Thoughts were racing in his mind, wanting to ask her if she’d be alright out there, that Brian wouldn’t mind him staying for a while, that he still loved her and so much more. But he stood there, not saying a word or moving a muscle as she stood up and climbed the stairs up to their bedroom.
Fifteen minutes later, she came down carrying a backpack. As she reached the bottom of the stairs, she put them down and walked over to him. She placed her arms around his waist, but he told her to let go. As she looked up at him with tears welling up in her eyes, he gently grabbed her arms and released himself from her grasp. “Don’t.”
“But Kev..”
“Don’t.”
She took a step backwards, not losing eye contact as the tears began to fall once again. “I..I love you.”
She waited for him to respond, but when he didn’t, she turned around, grabbed her backpack and her jacket and walked towards the front door. As she was holding the doorknob, she looked at him one last time before she opened the door and walked out of their house, slowly closing the door behind him. When he heard the sound of her car driving off into the night, he walked over to the window, just to see the darkness surrounding her.
“I love you too..”
“And that’s why she died that night. I should’ve never let her drive, not while she was that upset. I caused that carcrash by letting her go..” Kevin cried, feeling as if it had just happened the day before instead of over three years ago. His hand was shaking as he was holding Wendy’s hand, desperate for some comfort which she couldn’t give him right now.
The five men didn’t speak for almost twenty minutes, letting this confession sink in. None of them knew about the fight they had that night, he had never told them. Earlier that day, he had told Brian about the nightmares, but didn’t tell him about the fight or the feelings he had for Wendy. Finally, Howie had the courage to speak up. “Kev, why didn’t you tell us earlier? It.. The fight..”
“She made her own decision to drive that night, Kev. You didn’t force her.” Brian spoke as he placed his hand on his cousin’s shoulder as he let out a big sigh. There was nothing he could say or do to make things better and even though it wasn’t Kevin’s fault, he could understand why he was feeling it was. Saying it wasn’t, wouldn’t help him. She died that night and there was nothing any of them could do or say to bring her back.
“I k-k-killed her guys.. I-”
“That’s bullshit, Kev.” The youngest said, causing everyone including Kevin to look at him. Howie shot him a look, warning him not to be a smartass, for now was not the time. “What? It is.. she died in a carcrash, not because of you. You didn’t kill anyone, Kev. It was.. a tragedy..”
“I told him the same thing, even before I knew about all of this.” Brian spoke up, as he looked at Nick, nodding in agreement, even though he was thinking his friend could’ve put it in a different way.
A.J. cleared his throat. “Even though I hate to admit it, Kev.. I have to agree with Nick. I’m so sorry for what happened, but...”
The eldest knew this was going to happen, he knew they’d say this, because he still hadn’t told them the whole truth. He closed his eyes for a second, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat, which was making it hard to speak. “Guys.. I-I did kill her.. I did a horrible thing later that night..”
They waited for him to continue, but he stayed silent, looking at Wendy as if the others weren’t there. If they hadn’t been blinded by the shock, they would’ve felt his feelings for her, growing by the second, scaring him to death. A.J. and Howie glanced at each other, wondering if they should wait for him to open up or to ask him to. Finally, Howie had the courage to speak up. “What happened Kev? Wat happened after she drove off?”
“Nothing happened, D.” he replied as he kept his gaze on Wendy, scared to look at the others. She didn’t judge him, yet. Nick shrugged. Kevin had already lost him. None of this made any sense to the young man, but he knew better than to speak his mind right now.
“But you just said that- ”
“Nothing happened, Howie. And that is exactly the problem. I didn’t do anything.”
“But Kev, you weren’t even there when it happened. You couldn’t have done anything to prevent this.”
“I could have, Bri, but I never did.”
She looked as if she was touched by magic the day they had exchanged vows. The sparkle in her eyes made him the happiest man on this earth. The love they had for one another only strengthened their bond in the years after, even though the arguments they had about having children caused their love to slowly lose it’s glimmer, but not it’s strength. He always thought they would make it through, that she’d be ready someday soon to have his children if God would let them. He let out a big sigh as he put the photograph back on the mantlepiece.
Twenty minutes had passed since she walked out of their house. Twenty long, long minutes. He already missed her, but knew he needed some time alone. He loved her more than anything, but did he love her enough to give up his life long wish? He shook his head in disbelief to what had happened earlier that night. Her confession, it hit him hard. All these years he thought it would just take some time, after all, they were still young. All his life he knew he wanted to have children someday, and as soon as he laid eyes on her, he knew he wanted her to be their mother. Was their bond strong enough to survive this?
The ringing of his cell snapped him out of his thoughts and back into reality. He grabbed it off the coffee table and looked at the display which showed “Stacey”. He knew he was too upset to talk to her right now. He didn’t want to yell at her, especially not over the phone when he didn’t know when he’d see her again. With a sigh, he waited for it to stop ringing, and when it did, he pressed a few buttons so he wouldn’t hear or feel it vibrating anymore if she tried to call him again, then put it in his left pocket. Right as he sat down on the couch, the doorbell rang, causing him to jump slightly.
The four men stared at Kevin, in a total state of shock. Even though he hadn’t really told them all of it, they could easily fill in the blanks. Brian felt paralized, he even had trouble breathing right. A.J. and Nick sat there, not able to speak or move. “That must’ve been Bri and me.” Howie whispered. Kevin simply nodded, before he continued his explanation.
”Where’s Stacey, Kev?”
“She went up to Samantha’s cabin. Had a lot of catching up to do, which included a LOT of girltalk, or so I was told. Didn’t feel like joining them, otherwise they’d probably wanna do my hair or something.” The three men laughed and did a lot of catching up themselves. Since they hadn’t seen each other for like two weeks, as they were on a break, they had a lot to tell each other.
Half an hour later, Brian and Howie went into the kitchen to get some drinks and snacks, while Kevin stayed behind in the living room. He quickly pulled his cell out of his pocket and saw that he had missed one more call from his wife half an hour ago, but since she didn’t bother to leave him a message, he decided to call her back when the guys had left. They didn’t need to know what was going on between the two of them, he thought as he put the cell back in his pocket. “Hey D., please leave me something to eat for breakfast, alright?” he yelled towards the kitchen, hearing his cousin chuckle at the remark.
Right after that, the doorbell rang again. He wondered who that could be. A.J. and Nick went out to party, Brian told him. Maybe it was Stacey, maybe she decided to come back home and talk things through.. He opened the front door, seeing a police car right out front, and an officer at his door.
“Mr. Richardson?” he asked in a gentle tone. Kevin nodded in response, thinking it was about the burglars again, who had broken in to many homes in the neighbourhood. He invited the tall man in, who introduced himself als officer Keeley, then told Kevin to sit down for a moment. As they both sat down, the two other men walked back in, one carrying way too many snacks for three, the other holding three sodacans, since he and Howie had to drive home, and Kevin wanted to have a clear mind in case Stacey would call back.
“What’s up Kev?” Brian asked as he noticed officer Keeley’s uniform.
“This is officer Keeley, he’s here, because..” Kevin looked at him, waiting for him to fill them in on the occassion of his visit. He really didn’t want to get another lecture about keeping their doors locked at night and stuff like that. They always did that, not so much because of burglars, but because of some of their obsessive fans who did anything to meet them.
Officer Keeley had done this before, but it never got any easier. He cleared his throat before he began to speak. “I’m here to tell you, Mr. Richardson, that something has happened to your wife. She.. was in a carcrash and she passed away due to the injuries. I’m so sorry for your loss... If-“ But Kevin didn’t hear the rest of the information officer Keeley was telling him. In total shock he got up, his legs immediately giving out from under him and he fell to his knees. “Noooooooooooooooo..” he cried several times, his hands raking through his dark hair as he rocked his body back and forth, whispering his wife’s name.”Stacey..”
Brian dropped the cans in shock, the content spilled on the carpet, but none of them noticed. Howie was the first to move towards Kevin, kneeling down next to him after he had put the snacks on the table. He pulled the eldest man into a hug, rocking back and forth with him. Kevin clung on to him, tears running down his cheeks, his breath faltering, his world shattering into a million pieces.
“Now you know everything.” Kevin calmly said. His tears had run dry, his feelings locked away as he told them everything. Now, anxiety took control. He didn’t really want to hear them tell him what an asshole he had been, that it was all his fault, even though he knew it was. He just wanted to get the hell out of that room. Silently he wished he could take her with him, since she was the only one he felt somewhat safe around, and seeing her ever again was now totally out of the question. They would even hate him more, and he couldn’t blame them.
Quickly he stood up, forgetting for a moment how weak his body was. Immediately the whole room started spinning, black spots clouded his vision. Telling them what happened that night, had been exhausting, but he didn’t realize that until now. He put his hands on the bed, trying to keep himself from falling, but it was to no avail. As he fell backwards into the arms of his cousin and his friend, he whispered the two words he had said over a million times before. “I-I’m sorry..”
