"I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm so nervous," Stephanie groaned softly as she eased her car onto Howie's long driveway, finally parking next to his purple Corvette. She checked her make-up in the mirror and climbed out, pressing the remote to lock the doors. Straightening out her clothes and hair, she slid her small purse onto her shoulders and walked to the front door, her high heeled boots click-clacking on the black pavement.
She had spent several hours attempting to find the perfect outfit for the evening. In fact, her entire closet was now lying on her floor till she decided on the black miniskirt and layered plum camisole set. She hoped Howie would approve--
"Aren't you gorgeous!"
"You're talking about me?" Stephanie glanced behind her to make sure no one was there.
"Of course I'm talking about you," Howie chuckled as he led her into the house.
"Me?"
"Am I allowed to kiss you hello?" Howie questioned suddenly as he shut the door behind her.
"I... yes, you are," Stephanie felt her cheeks redden as she smiled sheepishly.
"Fantastic," Howie breathed as he reached to gingerly cup her face within his hands. Pulling her closer, he gently brushed his lips against hers.
"I missed your kisses," she whispered, loving the sweet taste he left on her lips.
"I missed you."
"I missed you, too," she leaned forward and kissed him again. "So, what did you make me for dinner?"
"I see how it is..."
"Howard Dwaine--"
"Chicken parm with spaghetti and a small side salad."
"I love chicken parmesan!" she nearly started drooling at the thought.
"Oh really?" Howie chuckled as he took her hand, helping to thread her arm through his. Gently patting her hand, he led her toward the dining room, smiling when her eyes widened in disbelief. He had decorated the room in faint candlelight with just a touch of classical music playing in the background. Dainty china had been placed at two place settings, hearty meals filling each as glasses of wine sat to the side.
"Howie, I... you... this must have taken hours for you to get ready... I'm just... wow..." was all Stephanie could mumble in surprise as they walked to the deep oak table, Howie moving away so he could pull the chair out for her.
"You're welcome," he stated simply.
"Thank you," she finally forced from her lips, sitting down in the heavily carved chair that matched the table.
"No need to thank me," Howie promised as he kissed the back of her head before moving to seat himself across from her.
"No one's ever made dinner for me before," Stephanie smiled, placing the napkin on her lap as she took a sip of wine. It was definitely not from a regular liquor store. She grabbed the knife and fork, gently cutting a piece of the lightly breaded chicken covered in cheese and sauce. A sigh escaped her as she chewed the delicious food. "I'm sorry, I know you're supposed to start with the salad, but this is fantastic--"
"In some cultures it's tradition to eat your salad last," Howie assured with a small smile, leaning back in his chair to simply watch her. It fascinated him - the way she ate his meal as if she had never tasted anything so delicious before. It did his heart good to see a woman enjoying his cooking, instead of his four friends scarfing everything in sight.
"Are you sure?" she asked, chewing her food before speaking again.
"Of course. Eat well, Sweetheart."
"But... aren't you going to eat?"
"Yeah... I'm sorry... I just love to see you enjoying my food," Howie explained softly as he grasped his fork and knife, cutting into his chicken breast. His cheeks tinged pink as he glanced up briefly, unable to keep a smile at bay.
"You should be proud of your cooking. It's like taking a trip to Italy without even leaving the room," Stephanie smiled, taking a sip of wine.
"Have you ever been to Italy?"
"Actually... no, I haven't," she admitted, blushing as well. "But someday, I would like to."
"It's a beautiful country," Howie agreed, wanting to offer her the opportunity to travel there with him as a guide. But, he held off. This relationship was new. Far too new to be inviting her to Italy on a whim.
"And I'll bet you and Kevin were the only ones taking advantage of the culture, food and arts," Stephanie chuckled, remembering a tidbit from an interview claiming the two oldest men were always out sightseeing while the younger men stayed near the hotel and ate Americana food.
"Unfortunately, yes, culture is not a big important quality to the life of rock stars... Well, younger rock stars who love McDonalds..."
"They'll learn... sooner or later... I think with Nick it'll be much, much later."
"He's not such a bad guy."
"I know he's not. It's just... I need to get to know him, I guess."
"It would be a good idea."
"Why's that?"
"Well, if I plan on spending more time with you, then I'd hope you'd make an effort to get to know my friends. Just like I would love to get to know your friends... And AJ called me by the way, before you came. He's having drinks with Ana."
"Ana? Out having drinks with AJ?"
"More like her having a drink if she does drink, and AJ having either soda or something non-alcoholic."
"Ana knows he's sober now..." Stephanie murmured, leaning back in her chair to stare at Howie with bewilderment. She had been slightly worried when Ana hadn't returned from work. Though, reviewing the events of the previous night, she now understood. Ana couldn't even stand to look Stephanie in the eyes. It was heart wrenching. And the nightmares were awful. "She won't drink..."
"That's good to know," Howie noticed the change in her tone and posture. "You and Ana still aren't speaking?"
"She won't even look at me," Stephanie answered honestly. "It's like she's ashamed or something."
"She might still be blaming herself for what happened. A lot of people who have been abused or raped feel that way."
"You're preaching to the choir... Well, about the abuse... But I don't blame myself anymore... Not when Ana came into my bathroom and nearly kicked my ass for..." Stephanie brushed her fingers down the inside of her wrist, feeling the faint remnants of her scars. "She was so strong for me. Forced me to be strong. But she won't be strong for herself. Well, not in the right way."
"She just told you a big secret... maybe you need to give her a little time to let it all sink in that it's not her fault. Or even try and get her to see a therapist--"
"Ana won't see a therapist."
"Why not? She's a nurse, isn't she? She knows it's healthy..."
"She won't do it. She's been dealing with this her own way for so long, there's no other way she would choose."
"...AJ should know--"
"God, no! You can't tell AJ about this! Ana doesn't even know that I told you! There is no way on God's green Earth that she would forgive me if she found out I told you. It took her twenty-one years to tell me!"
"But if AJ and Ana hit it off--"
"No, Howie. PLEASE."
"You can't let AJ get into a relationship like that, especially if it's going to blow up in his face. It's not fair to him."
"It's not fair to Ana for us to tell AJ something she needs to say herself. It's her past, not ours."
"AJ's just finally starting to get his life on track..."
"Howie... please. I can try and get Ana to open up to AJ, but... I don't need my best friend hating me..."
"She's not going to--"
"You don't know Ana yet," Stephanie sighed, quickly drinking the rest of her wine.
"She would hold a grudge against you?"
"She very well could."
"Then she's not--"
"Don't even say that."
"I'm just--"
"She saved me, Howie. That's all there is to it. I wouldn't be here, eating this delicious dinner and kissing you without her," Stephanie stood up and walked into the living room.
"Stephanie..." Howie sighed softly, abandoning his fork and knife as he pushed away from the table. Holding his breath, he followed her till he discovered her sitting on the couch, furiously rubbing at her inner wrist. "...You used to cut, didn't you?"
She looked up, tears brimming against her blue-gray eyes. "Years, Howie... I thought I would never stop..."
"Ana got you to stop?" he guessed softly, moving to sit beside her.
"I was in a really bad place not too long ago. Dark... painful... scary... cutting made it go away, but not for long. Ana caught me one night after my 'punishment'... she got me out of there and helped me stop."
"The boyfriend?" Howie guessed, recalling Stephanie's history from their late night phone conversation. Reaching over, he gently twined their fingers together.
"He hurt me so much, yet I still tried to convince myself that he loved me... I was a fool..." Stephanie trailed off, concentrating on her fingers touching his. So warm and loving. Not cold and harsh like Michael.
"You were looking for love in the wrong places," Howie stated simply, leaning over to kiss the side of her face. "Try to put your love in me."
"I want to, and I am... slowly," Stephanie reached out with her free hand and cupped his cheek. She brought her lips closer to his, until they were mere centimeters apart.
"Slowly, but surely," Howie agreed softly, finding her lips with his.
"Howie..." Stephanie murmured softly beneath his lips, leaning into him so he fell back against the couch.
"Stephanie," he whispered as she covered his body with hers, their lips never breaking apart.
Unable to conjure words as means of explanation for her actions, she busied herself in straddling his hips as she anchored her fingers within his shirt. Leaning down, she hardened the kisses into sweet nips of appreciation. It had been so long since she was loved appropriately. When the hands that caressed her body didn't feel like snakes' tongues flicking across her skin, drawing a disgusting ache from her heart. And the hardness growing beneath her caused a thrill of excitement.
Howie's heart beat heavily in his chest as different sensations swept through his body and down towards his lower region. He couldn't remember the last time he was able to feel this way with a woman. Most were forced events that he didn't quite enjoy and to have this happen was blissful.
"So much for slowly but surely?" Stephanie guessed in a soft whisper as she worked to undo the buttons of his shirt.
"I... If you don't want to, we can stop--"
"Do you want this? Do you want me?"
"Stephanie, it isn't a matter of me wanting you," Howie breathed in shock, rubbing a trembling hand across his face. "You can feel that I want you."
"I know, but it's just... I've never heard those words before... not filled with the passion we have for each other..." Stephanie took his hand and laced her fingers through his.
"It's your choice."
"I want this. I want you," She finished unbuttoning his shirt and trailed her fingertips over his caramel skin.
"No regrets?"
"I could never regret anything with you."
"Steph," Howie sighed, gently bringing her down for a sultry kiss to fuel the fire once more. Though, he hesitated. "Not just because you're a fan, right? 'Cause God--"
"No way," Stephanie shook her head vehemently. "I'm not looking at you as a fan. I'm looking at you as a woman who sees you as a very handsome man. One who could finally help me feel true happiness and love."
"Good," Howie sighed with relief, pulling her down for a soft kiss once more. As they kissed, Stephanie peeled his shirt off and threw it in an unknown destination on the floor, her hands trailing down to the waist of his dress pants.
"God..." Howie breathed with a whimper as her hands fumbled with the belt of his slacks, yanking his waist slightly. He smiled at the blush deepening against her cheeks, reaching out to gently run his fingers down the side of her face. He wanted to calm her.
"It's been awhile since I've had to deal with belts," Stephanie murmured.
"It's not a race or a porno," he chuckled, reaching down to help her.
"Thank God," she smiled as the belt was finally loose enough for her to slide his pants down and onto the floor.
"We'll save that for later," he suggested, moving his hands along her body to discard her clothing. Each item fluttering to the floor in a small pile, Howie grinned at the alluring beauty nestled atop him. Leaning in, he gently kissed the crevice between her breasts.
"Oh, Howie..." she shuddered softly; his kisses were like fire against her skin.
Howie moaned in response to her shudder, continuing to layer kisses along her chest. Nibbling at her collarbone, he crossed the kisses to the opposite side. Then, bending down, he licked the curve of her breast, easing his throbbing erection inside her. He felt the instant tension in her body from him and stopped. "...You okay?"
"It's been a long time and... Please go slow," Stephanie whispered, trying to relax and get through the slight pain.
"I will," he promised, gently rising up to meet her for the initial thrust.
A moan escaped her soft lips as the pain went away and was replaced with pure pleasure.
"Better?" he questioned as she rocked her hips against him, guiding the rate and depth of his penetration.
"Much... oh God... Howie..." she whimpered, wrapping her legs around his waist.
"Steph," he grunted in pleasure, reaching up to tenderly caress her breasts as her hands flattened on his chest.
Waves of ecstasy flowed through Stephanie's veins as they continued to be connected as one. One beating heart, one breath, one soul. They moved as one, her cries becoming louder.
They were one upon the release of their intertwined ecstasy.
One.
~*~*~*~*~
"What can I get you?" the bartender asked as Ana and AJ stepped towards the lavish bar. AJ had chosen a higher-class place to have some drinks, one that a lot of fans didn't know about so he could have time to get to know the intriguing woman before him.
"Just a Coke," AJ turned to Ana. "What would you like?"
"A Pepsi, but I can--"
"One Pepsi, one Coke," AJ interrupted, pulling out a few bills.
"You drink Coke?" Ana asked the man beside her as she blatantly ignored the bartender's bewildered glance to the couple. Looking down, Ana accounted for her light lavender scrubs compared to AJ's torn and faded jeans with complimenting muscle tank. But, watching AJ retrieve the drinks, she realized that the bartender was confused as to their selection of beverage. But, Ana wasn't about to drink in the presence of a recovering alcoholic. She was not crass. "...Do you know that the reason that they call it Coke because it has traces of cocaine in it? When it was first made?"
"Yes, Nick told me that the first time he was able to surf the Internet... along with other facts such as flavors of Jell-O. Did you know they tried ones such as chocolate and green lettuce?" AJ chuckled, handing her the glass of Pepsi.
"Chocolate Jell-O? Wouldn't that just be the pudding as a brand of the Jell-O-O? What Cosby advertises?" Ana murmured curiously as she followed AJ toward the back of the bar. To what she assumed was his regular table.
"They had the chocolate pudding, but they tried it in Jell-O form," AJ slid into the leather booth, setting his drink on the table as Ana sat across from him.
"I'd be all for some lettuce Jell-O," Ana decided with the remnants of a small smirk, swirling the straw around in her soda.
"Are you-- Oh, sarcasm. Gotcha," AJ chuckled, taking a drink of his soda. It was still odd sometimes, not having the sting of alcohol along with the carbonated liquid. But he didn't miss it.
"Yeah..." Ana trailed in a soft whisper of a voice, simply watching the ice in her drink tumble in a whirlwind that she had created. She wasn't exactly sure what she was doing, sitting in a bar with AJ, the man she had completely blown off a day before. She wasn't interested in a romantic fling with him. And, she could only imagine what he wanted from her. Probably worse than her father.
"Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?"
"Like what?"
"Like... how did you get into nursing? And what do you do at the hospital?"
"You sound like one of the interviewers at the hospital," Ana answered with a nervous laugh, reaching for the paper her straw had been contained in, jerking slightly when AJ reached for the same. "Why I got into nursing... I've always loved medicine I guess. And, I have a half brother that I love to death. He's my everything. I've always taken care of him. And my other half siblings at my father's house... I love kids. So, I'm a Pediatric Nurse at the hospital."
"Wow. That's great. I like kids too; I'm just not that good at the medicine part. But you get to help them feel better and... that's got to be an awesome feeling."
"You do the same thing with your music..." Ana trailed, settling her hands into her lap. The conversation was so light and perhaps cheesy. He seemed to be trying too hard. "We just help children in different ways."
"You're right..." AJ nodded, looking into his glass for a moment. What was wrong with him? Normally he could easily strike up a conversation but there was something about Ana... it made him nervous that he was going to say something idiotic.
"Are you alright?"
"Huh?" he looked up and found himself lost in her beautiful blue eyes.
"Are you alright?"
"Am I..." AJ couldn't even find the words to complete the sentence as he exhaled a soft breath of awe. He had never seen eyes so beautiful as hers before. A deep electric thrill of dark sapphire with just the hint of emerald flecks dancing around the pupils. Usually, with his suave attitude, he wasn't bothered with a woman's eyes. His gaze would always travel elsewhere. But he was mesmerized by her. The very essence of her.
"If you're uncomfortable, I can certainly leave--"
"No, please. Don't leave. I'm sorry, I just... I got lost."
"Lost? In what?"
"Your eyes."
"Oh please... don't pull that old routine. I'm sure too many women have heard it already."
"What? God, no, I've never--"
"Why are you so interested in me? Do you think I'm some big conquest because I blew you off?"
"No! Because you're--"
"I'll bet you have a deal going on with Brian and Nick or whoever... see how long it takes to get into my scrubs. Let me tell you--"
"Damnit, Ana--"
"Tell me one secret that you've never told anyone else in your life. Prove to me that it isn't a game. That you're sincere about being friends. That you don't want me in your bed."
"You want to know a secret about me? Alright. Here's a secret. When I was an addict, I had a girlfriend. Deirdre. She was wild like me... partying every night with the drinking, drugs and unprotected sex. One night we were celebrating the Backstreet Boys nominations for the Grammy's and had some lines of the finest cocaine. Or that's what we thought. It was laced with some heroin and Ajax cleaner... after a few lines... according to Deirdre and others at the party; I began convulsing and stopped breathing. Someone called 9-1-1 while another person, not entirely sober, tried to give me CPR. The paramedics came and I was revived in the ambulance. I was checked in under a private name and no one was called under my order. I almost died that night, but no one knew. Not until now."
Ana fell into a state of uncomfortably shocked silence. She had been pressing into him to get an over exaggerated reaction. She wanted a violent reaction that would give her justification for keeping away. Something that would tell Stephanie that she didn't need AJ in her life. That he wasn't safe. But, now, she didn't know what to say. The overwhelming sadness brewing in AJ's dark coffee eyes called a knot of pain to coil in her intestines. Standing up from her seat, she carefully moved to sit with him. Avoiding all eye contact, she studied their drinks. "...I'm sorry..."
"Don't be sorry. I actually feel better... having someone else know. I've been holding it in for too long," AJ dismissed the apology, taking a chance to rub the back of her neck and was shocked to feel how tense and knotted up the muscles were.
"You didn't even tell anyone in rehab... I mean, God, it shouldn't have been me..." Ana whispered, feeling her throat constrict with hurt.
"I didn't tell anyone in rehab because I wasn't comfortable with them knowing. I'm comfortable with you knowing."
"Why?" she asked, holding her breath as she reached back to brush her fingers lightly over the back of his hand, hating how good it felt to have him massage her neck.
"Honestly? Because beneath your hard exterior, you have a kind and tender heart. You're not judgmental and you're a good listener."
"You hardly even know me..."
"But am I right?"
"I wouldn't know," she answered, reaching to pull his hand away from her neck. Stretching slightly, she slid out of the booth, wrinkling her nose at the stale smell of cigarettes.
"How can you not--"
"I don't know how to describe myself," she admitted honestly.
"Oh. Well... I think my description was pretty accurate."
"But you--"
"I know."
"...Can we leave?"
"Sure," AJ stood up and left a tip on the table. "Where do you want to go?"
"I don't really care. If you want, you can take me home... Whatever you want to do," Ana murmured, shoving her hands into her pockets. "I just need to change out of my scrubs and... I really can't stand the smell of smoke, it makes me sick."
"Okay, no problem. We can go to your house. Would you mind if I stayed, so we can talk more?"
"AJ--"
"Ten minutes. And if you want me to still leave after that... I will."
"Promise?"
"Of course."
"Why you want to stay at my house, I'll never know," Ana mumbled as she walked outside with AJ, leaning close against him when she noticed a large man leering at her. Shifting her gaze down to the sidewalk as they moved toward his car, she shivered uncomfortably. It felt as if the man's eyes were still burning into her. She hated that feeling.
"You okay?" AJ asked as he opened the passenger door for her.
"Fine," she murmured, shuddering when she turned to see the man grin at her.
"Are you..." AJ looked up and saw what made her feel unsettled. "Excuse me. What do you think you're doing?"
"AJ, don't--"
"You talking to me, scrawny-ass?" the man growled.
"Yes, I am talking to you. Obviously, you're making her feel uncomfortable. So just hit the road, alright? And learn how to treat women respectfully without staring at them like a piece of meat."
"AJ, please," Ana whined softly, reaching to take his arm. "Let's go. I don't want you to get hurt."
"Listen to your woman, AJ. We don't want you getting hurt," the man taunted with another leering glance.
"You piece of..." AJ trailed off with a growl, feeling Ana's hand slip into his and pull him towards the car. He shook his head and turned around to his car. "You're not worth it."
"And you're not worth that sweet piece of ass you've got on your arm," the man snarled, reaching out to cup Ana's backside without warning.
"What the fuck!" Ana yelped, the touch oily and disgusting.
"You son of a fucking bitch!" AJ hissed as he watched Ana fall against the car from the man's hard shove. Tightening a fist, he turned and swung as hard as he possibly could. His fist connected into a heavy jaw, sending a satisfying crunch of what he hoped was teeth. Watching the man clatter to the ground, he jumped upon him to throw several more punches.
"AJ!" Ana groaned as she helped to pull him off the man, sending him toward the car. Hearing the noise of someone screaming to call the cops, she encouraged AJ to start the car.
"That son of a bitch," AJ muttered under his breath as he revved the engine and sped away from the bar, down the darkening streets. He glanced to Ana with worry. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she whispered, pressing her body tightly to the passenger door. Her gaze shifted to watch the passing scenery, fighting a batch of frightened tears. It had been so long since she had been manhandled like that. The mere tight squeeze sending her into a fit of disgust.
"Are you sure? I'm sorry he touched you--"
"I'm fine."
"Ana..."
"God, did you throw a fist into that guy's jaw," she suddenly laughed.
"He disrespected you. I did what I thought was right," AJ shrugged, the aching pain surfacing in his hand and knuckles.
"He's going to be spitting teeth for a week."
"Good. He could have been spitting a lot more if you hadn't stopped me."
"AJ--"
"I'm glad you did. That's not how I normally react to situations..."
"And how do you normally react?" she asked with honest curiosity as he pulled into her driveway. She noted that Stephanie's car was gone. She would have the house to herself.
"Normally just one punch and I'm gone. But what he did to you... it really set me off," AJ killed the engine and climbed out of the car, walking over to open her door.
"You didn't have to open the..." Ana's sentence trailed to an inevitable conclusion as AJ reached to take her hand, helping her from the car. She smiled with thanks as he pushed the door shut with his elbow, wincing slightly. Glancing to his other hand, she frowned when she noticed the bruised, swollen, and bleeding knuckles. "...AJ, your hand..."
"It's nothing--"
"Come inside. I'll clean it and check the damage."
"Ana--"
"I'm the nurse, right?"
"Right..."
"Right. And you're coming in so I can take care of your hand."
"Yes Nurse Ana," AJ teased as they walked towards the front door.
"Another smart remark and I'll break out the shots."
~*~*~*~*~*~
A rumble of thunder and the lull of falling rain gently woke Howie from his deep slumber. He peeked his eyes open and smiled at the sight before him, nestled under the soft blankets. Stephanie lay in the very center of his bed, curled comfortably to his side. Her long platinum locks spread in a sweet fan along her pillow. They had first made love on the couch before Howie had gathered her into his arms, sweeping her to his bedroom. There, they made love once more before drifting asleep in each other’s arms.
Thank you Lord, for bringing her to me. Howie prayed silently, running his fingers through her soft locks. She had found the scars he had made during their lovemaking. He first expected her to pull away in revulsion. But, instead, she had kissed them. Howie had wept in surprise at the revelation and then she had kissed his tears away.
"I love you..." Howie whispered, leaning down to brush a kiss across her forehead. The action caused her to stir softly, burying her head in his chest to try and stay asleep.
"I love you too," she mumbled sleepily.
"What?" Howie breathed in surprise, not ready to hear her voice. He had been convinced that she was sound asleep. But those three words never sounded so heavenly.
"I said," she kissed his chiseled chest before peeking her eyes open. "I love you, too."
"...Stephanie..."
"I mean it, Howie. No one else has made me feel so safe and protected... and I know you don't throw 'I love you' to every woman you sleep with... I love you for you."
"You act like it's some big number..." Howie chuckled uneasily; though he leaned down to gently kiss her good morning. "I love you."
"I love you, too," Stephanie said yet again, running her fingers through his messy curls. "And unlike the abusers in my past... I know you mean it when you say it."
"I'll always protect you."
"Promise?"
"Promise," Howie answered, crossing his index finger over his heart.
"Good, because I'll be holding you to that promise," She took his hand and gently kissed his fingertips.
"So, what are we doing today?"
"Since it's rainy and gross outside, how about we--" Stephanie jumped as a loud rumble of thunder and crack of lightning halted her words.
"You don't like storms?" Howie guessed as she shifted into his lap and hid beneath the covers. He had never seen a grown woman react quite like that to a bit of thunder and lightning.
"No... I had a bad experience with storms when I was younger," Stephanie shook her head, burying her face into his bare chest.
"What happened?" he asked with an honest curiosity.
"On the way home from school, a storm passed through the neighborhood. A really bad one. I ran as fast as I could and reached home just when hail started to fall. The sky was green... the rain was pouring so hard... and the sirens started going off. I tried the doorknob and it was locked. Usually my father was home, so I didn't have a key. I was stuck outside for two hours until the storm ended and my mother ended up coming home before he did. I've been scared of storms ever since."
"I'll protect you from this storm," Howie promised, reaching to gently kiss the top of her head. "And every storm after."
Author's Chapter Notes:
Ana, you rock.
