He sat silently on his patio staring out at the sunset. He silently rocked back and forth, thoughts running through his warped, saddened mind. He had never felt such pain....isolation.....depression. He had finally gone over the edge...and there was no turning back. He had put up with the name calling, the remarks about his sexuality, his career, his love life...and he just couldn't take it anymore. He had gone out on one last date a few weeks back only to have his heart severely crushed for the last time. She just couldn't take the fame and he just didn't care anymore. He felt as if he were meant to be alone, alone for the rest of his miserable life- 'My miserable, pathetic, worthless life' he thought.

His once dark brown eyes that were so full of life, now held nothing but pain and misery and his tanned face that always held a smile, was so pale it had no color and enhanced the dark circles around his eyes from crying and lack of sleep. His cheeks were now hollow because he had not eaten in days since he had no appetite. As he watched the waves crashing on the shore, he seemed to notice a pattern; that's what he felt his life had become, being pulled back and forth to the point of no return. He had completely pushed everyone and everything out of his life-even his best friend. 'He was getting married for crying out loud! Well, he can do just that, I could care less!'

~~~~~~flashback~~~~~~~~~

August 1997-

The Boys were at another interview in New York City. The press had been asking them different questions about their album. “Who decides what songs go on the album?” one reporter asked. Howie tried to answer the question, “Well, actually..” he began but was cut off before he could say anything else. “Kevin could you tell us?” Kevin then proceeded to answer the question, as usual. Howie just sat back, wondering why he was looked over, yet again. He finally just zoned out, as he usually did.

The following year, September 1998, the Boys were in the press room accepting an award for their video “Everybody, Backstreet ’s Back”. They had just walked off stage and were answering questions. Once again, every time Howie tried to answer, he was cut off. He just didn’t understand why no one wanted to hear him answer anything. ‘Am I that incapable of answering a question?’ He thought to himself. ‘No cause all the questions I get are ‘Are you gay?’ ‘Are you just a back-up singer?’ ‘What’s your favorite color?’ or, ‘How did the group get it’s name?’ He just shook his head and bit his lip, trying not to cry. One day as he was leaving the mall, he heard a couple of girls talking about him. “Did you hear the latest on the Backstreet Boys?” she asked her friend. She shook her head no and she continued,

“Well, I heard that the one called Howie is really gay and looks like a troll and....” she continued on but Howie had heard enough and left before anyone saw him. He quickly ran back to the bus and threw himself on his bed and cried.

In November 2000, the Boys got ready to release Black and Blue and were planning a 100-hour tour around the world. Howie was sitting by himself watching the others go over a list of things they were supposed to do. He just didn’t feel it was a priority for him to do anything since he always got the short end of the stick. AJ noticed this and went over to Howie. “D, what’s up? You nervous or something?” Howie let out a small sigh before answering, “Well, if you really wanna know, I am not looking forward to this.” AJ was a bit shocked at this. He couldn’t imagine why he wouldn’t want to do this since it had to do with the CD. “Why? You always look forward to promoting our new stuff. What’s the problem?” Howie just stared at him; how could he not know?

Didn’t he not notice all the times he was practically ignored at every press event or shafted on their vocals and on videos like Larger Than Life? He wasn’t even in that video enough to really amount to anything. “You wouldn’t understand, just leave me alone.” AJ looked stunned but did as he asked and left him alone. Howie didn’t seem to care, so he just went about like everything as peachy since management just walked in. ‘Oh goody...’ he thought sarcastically.

The press tour went off without a hitch and, as usual, Howie rarely got asked anything. No one even acknowledged the fact that he had written two songs on the album and even got to sing lead. He felt hurt and wondered what he had done to deserve this.

January 2001, the Black and Blue tour had begun and was in full swing. Everything was going pretty well up until the short break between the first and second legs. The other Boys got new photos for the tour except Howie. He also watched helplessly as he best friend AJ fell apart little by little until he had to seek help for his depression and his drinking.

He began to wonder why he even bothered. First his self-esteem was crumbling and no one cared yet when one of the other Boys confronted them with his troubles, they all jumped in to help. Not that he didn’t want AJ to get help, but why they didn’t seem to care that he was in just as much pain if not worse and it went unnoticed was beyond him. Howie finally just decided that he wasn’t even going to try anymore and began to close himself off from the other Boys and waited to see how long it took before they noticed.

As the tour went on, Howie ’s depression was getting worse. After each show, he went straight to his bus and didn’t go anywhere he didn’t have to. Some nights, he would cry himself to sleep, wishing somebody cared that he existed. He had gone out on a few dates during the tour but all they wanted was either money or to meet Nick since he was the only other single member. AJ had attached himself to a new girl, Sarah. He practically worshipped the ground she walked on and paid little attention to anything else, as far as Howie was concerned. ‘Let him go off with her, I could care less!’ he thought.

At the beginning of the year, AJ made an announcement, he was marrying Sarah at the beginning of 2003. Howie just couldn’t stand it, why is it everyone else could be happy and loved except him? As all the Boys gave AJ their blessings, Howie just stood there, stone faced. All the Boys waited for Howie to say something. When he said nothing, AJ asked, “What’s wrong, D? Something wrong?” Howie just stared, well, there was something wrong and they were going to know about it alright!

“Yeah...you really want to know?” They all nodded their heads in agreement. “Well, if you must know, my problem is ALL OF YOU!”

Howie yelled, causing everyone to stare at him in shock.

All the anger that he had been feeling, all the name calling, it had finally got the best of him and he couldn’t take it anymore. “Why is it that all of you get praise, get to sing, express you opinions?! Why do I always get the short end of every thing? You guys treat me as if I’m not even here!” he shouted, tears stinging his eyes. “AJ quickly interjected, “WAIT A MINUTE D! What the hell are you talking about? We do no such thing!” he shot back, irritated at such an accusation. “Oh don’t give me that crap! You hate me and you damn well know it! If you were half the friend I thought you were, you would have said something! No one cares that I exist! No one cares about my feelings! Why is it that you guys get all the questions and all I get is ‘Howie are you gay?’ Howie are you a back up singer?’ ‘How did the group get it’s name?’ Well, I am tired of it! You all could care less, and as far as I’m concerned I’m better off dead and all of you can just stay the hell out of my life!” They all stood shocked, they had no idea what to say or do. No one even knew Howie had felt that way. “Howie...you don’t really mean that..” Nick asked quietly. Howie didn’t answer, he just stormed out and never once looked back.

~~~~~~~~~present~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suddenly everything he had been dealing with, came crashing down on him like flood waters rushing down a ravine. His entire body shook with every sob and he could do nothing to stop it. He managed to get as far as his bedroom before collapsing on the floor being that he had no energy to go any further. He had given up the will to live and wanted nothing more than to just end it all. As his uncontrollable sobs continued, he could feel his body growing weaker with each one. He could see his life flashing before his eyes and it did nothing to stop his tears. He could very faintly hear the phone ringing but paid it no mind. ‘Probably AJ’ he thought.

After about an hour, he had finally cried himself to the point of exhaustion. He continued to lie there, whimpering ever so often, like a lost soul who had no where to go. He suddenly hear a loud knock on the door. He didn’t bother to answer it cause he really didn’t want to see anyone. After a few minutes of knocking, he heard the door opening and the sound of someone running toward his room. “Howie!” AJ yelled, barging in, noticing Howie lying on the floor. He nearly did a double take, seeing his best friend so close to death. “Howie...talk to me....are you ok?” he asked in a shaky voice. Howie didn’t answer, he just laid there, his breathing shallow and almost nonexistent. “Don’t do this, please!” AJ begged. “You.... don’t...care...just let me die....” he said in a voice that sounded so lost and barely audible. “Howie....”AJ started, but he never got to finish because at that moment he watched in horror as his body grew limp and his eyes began to close. “ “Nooooo! don’t die on me Howie please! I’m sorry!” AJ screamed, crying as he knelt beside his dying friend. “Good....bye...A...J” he said, ignoring his pleas not to go.

As he took his final breath, a song came on the radio, playing softly in the background...

The song continued as a tear slid down his cheek for the last time..... and there was nothing....nothing but the sounds of AJ screams coming from the room as he watched his best friend die of a death so painful it was unbearable.......sad, alone, and heartbroken.

The End....