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Chapter 10

To say that I was scared would be an understatement. I was well beyond being just scared. Honestly, I was downright horrified. Never in my life had I ever felt such a moment of weakness. If Benji hadn’t been there to make sure that I was okay, who knew what might have happened or what stupid thing I might have done had he not been at the house. Inhaling deeply, I looked over towards Benji whose full attention was on driving. He seemed to know exactly where he was taking me, almost as if this had been the plan the entire time. I watched as his tattooed fingers clutched the steering wheel tightly. I could see that he was anxious, nervous even.

He hadn’t said anything significant to me since before my breakdown, I guess he just didn’t know what to say. Not that I would have if I was in his shoes. I was having trouble finding something to say to him and the silence was awkward and increasingly uncomfortable. Still not finding anything to say to him, I turned away from him. Nervously, I started twirling the draw string from my sweat pants around with my finger. I had quickly changed my mind about what I had decided to wear. I felt that the tight fitting jeans would only attract the wrong kind of attention and I decided on a pair of loose fitting black sweat pants. I just threw some random t-shirt from my closet on and put on the hoodie that Benji had given to me the night of the attack.

“Joel was having some issues himself about a year ago,” Benji said, breaking the silence that had lingered between us. “He really needed to get some professional help because he was falling apart fast. I’d never seen him so…,” Benji paused, looking for the right word, “so hurt. I felt so fucking helpless. I wanted to do something for him, he’s my brother, my fucking twin brother, but nothing I did helped. He just seemed to be getting worse until one day, he announced that he was going to see a therapist.” Benji paused again, probably thinking about what had been going through his mind at the moment that his twin, his other half, the person that he thought he knew best, told him that he was in such bad shape that he needed professional help. He sighed, then continued, “I knew it was the best thing for him, he needed it. I’d drive him to his appointments sometimes just ‘cause he said that he needed to know that I was there so of course I went. I still don’t know what happened when he was in the office with the doctor, he wouldn’t talk to me about it, but whatever did happen, helped him. It brought back the old Joel. After I dropped you off at your house after we left the police station, I got the guys number and called him. I told that he shouldn’t be too surprised if I came in with someone needing help,” he admitted.

“So was that why you were so edger to go out earlier?” I asked.

“No,” he answered immediately. “I seriously just wanted to spend the day with you, getting to know you. I would never force you to do something that you’re not ready to.” He looked at me for a second before turning his attention back to the road.

“So that’s where we’re going?”

“Yeah,” he replied softly. “When you came out of the shower, the look in your eyes, God, it scared me, it was the exact look that Joel had in his eyes when he hit rock bottom. While you were getting dressed, I called the doctor, doctor Erick Townsend, and I told him that we were coming so he’ll be ready for you once we get there.”

“Will you come in with me?” I asked. He turned to me, surprise clearly displayed upon his face.

“During the session?” he asked, seeking to clarify what I had meant.

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure? Do you really want me in there? I mean it might get really personal,” Benji reasoned. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or weird or anything.”

“I’d only feel weird and uncomfortable if you weren’t there with me,” I replied seriously. I knew nothing about this doctor that I was about to see. He was going to ask me a lot of hard questions, I knew that but at least if I had Benji there with me, I had someone’s hand to hold, someone who would comfort me.

“Alright,” he finally answered, “but if at anytime you want me to leave because you might be too embarrassed to talk about something in front of me or there’s something you don’t want me to know about yet, let me know and I’ll leave and wait for you in the next room.”

“Okay,” I replied, knowing full well that I was not going to ask Benji to leave my side. He was my rock, the only thing for me to hold onto for the moment. I sighed when Benji pulled into a near empty parking lot. We had arrived at the doctors office.

“This is it,” he said and I nodded as I opened the door to his truck to get out. Fear was tugging at my heart and part of me wanted to get back into the truck, curl up and just cry. Benji must have noticed my sudden apprehension because he said, “everything’s gonna be okay. He’s not gonna make you answer anything that you don’t feel comfortable with. When you’re in that office, the only thing he cares about is making sure that you’re okay.”

I just stood there looking at Benji, he’d extended his hand for me to take it, but I didn’t make a move, I just said, “Benji, I’m scared.”

“I know, I know,” he replied, his voice gentle, still keeping his hand extended. “But the doctor is gonna help you feel better and you have to get better for your sister. She needs you.” Alana. I had completely forgotten about her I was so wrapped up in my fear. Benji nodded gently, hoping to assure me that this was the right thing. I reached out and took his hand, knowing that if I didn‘t at least do this for myself, I had to do it for my sister. Who would take care of her if I got worse? I didn’t even want to think about the hell that my sister might have to endure if I couldn’t take care of her any more. When my hand reached his, his fingers instantly wrapped around mine and the warmth emitted from his hand made me feel safe. Benji lead me into the building, keeping my hand tightly clutched in his.

“You can send her in Benjamin, he’s expecting her,” an elderly woman with a kind and gentle voice announced as we walked into the main waiting area. She was most likely the doctors receptionist.

“Actually Elaine,” Benji stated, “she wants me to sit in on the session with her. That won’t be a problem will it?” he asked.

“Of course not Benjamin,” she replied with a kind smile. “Go on in.” Benji nodded at the woman and she smiled in response. She had the warm and kind feeling that a loving grandmother had that made you want to spill your heart, that‘s probably what got her hired I thought. He had obviously spent a lot of time in the waiting room talking to the welcoming receptionist while he wait for Joel’s sessions to end since they were using each others first names I assumed. Benji and I walked the few steps into the back where the doctors office was located. The room was small, but not too small that one would get the feeling of suffocation or entrapment. It was just the right size in that I felt welcomed.

“Hello Mr. Madden,” the doctor greeted Benji. The doctor seemed to be at least a decade younger than his receptionist, I thought. “Hello ma’am.” I smiled weakly at him and he turned his attention to Benji for a moment. “How’s your brother? I haven‘t heard from him in some time now.”

“He’s doing great,” Benji said as I allowed myself to further evaluate the room. An entire wall was covered with a bookcase filled with books. Degrees from various institutions hung proudly on the wall behind the doctors desk. That cliché lounge like chair was against the wall opposite the doctors desk and was covered with pillows and a blanket. “He’s happy.”

“That’s good to hear,” the doctor replied.

“It’s good to say,” Benji said with honesty. He looked at me quickly and smiled softly. “This is Angela, the girl I called you about.”

“Hi Angela,” the doctor said kindly to me.

“Hi,” I forced myself to answer, my voice sounding shaky and weak. I gripped Benji’s hand tightly, which he didn’t seem to mind.

“Why don’t you take a seat and we’ll begin.” Benji and I took a seat on the lounge chair and we rested our linked hands on his leg. “Why don’t you tell me about the night of the attack.”