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Chapter 15

I found myself standing alone in my bedroom. Benji had walked through the door only seconds ago and already, I was regretting what I had said to him. I didn’t mean it, I was just so angry and I didn’t know what I was thinking. I needed him, I wanted him but something was keeping me from running after him and telling him to stay. I wanted to run through that door, grab hold of him, the man that though I had only known a matter of days, I was in love with, and never let him go but there was some unexplainable force that was keeping my feet planted firmly to the floor. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid that he’ll reject me now. I pretty much just rejected him so I wouldn’t blame him for feeling like that. But maybe I am actually doing the right thing. Benji may just end up hurting me some point down the line and who knows if I will ever be strong enough to handle something like that. I’d just be too broken hearted. So maybe this was better. Maybe, just maybe. Then again, what if Benji was my only chance at happiness and I just let that one good thing walk out of my life?

Suddenly, I found myself thinking about the conversation that I had with Joel earlier. We have to embrace those good things so they make the hard things less hard, I heard his voice say inside my mind. Memories from the past six months started to flood through my mind and most of the very few memories that made me want to smile were of the past few days with Benji. He was so different, so perfect, so compassionate. He actually cared about me. Tonight was proof of that. He’d been given two opportunities to take advantage of me and he turned them both down. Most other men wouldn’t have cared about what I may feel in the morning or if I suddenly had doubts because of a fear that had consumed me. I sighed and a warm tear started to roll down my cheek. Regret was suddenly becoming overwhelming. I finally found the power to move and I immediately ran down the stairs, hoping to catch everyone before they left. I wanted to profess my love for Benji in front of everyone. I wanted them all to know exactly how I felt. Hell, I wanted the whole world to know how I felt.

I ran down my stairs as quickly as I could. I just had to catch him but when I got down stairs, there was no one to be seen. That’s when I heard the car start. I could still catch them, I realized and I made my way towards the front door where I fumbled with the lock before I was actually able to get the damn door to open. Damn my temporary lack of coordination, I thought to myself as I was finally able to fling the door open, only to see the car starting to head down the road. Without giving it second thought, hell, I hadn’t even given it a first thought, I ran out into the street.

“BENJI!!!!!” I yelled at the top of my lungs hoping that one of them would hear me and stop. They had to stop, I needed them to stop. I may lose Benji forever if they didn’t. They didn’t stop. I just stood there and watched as their cars drove farther and farther away and soon they were completely out my sight. I felt a great sense of loss rush over me and I instantly fell to the ground where tears started to spill from my eyes. He was gone. He’d actually left me. I know he was only doing what I had asked him to do but I hadn’t expected him to actually leave. He knew how much I needed him right now. How could he do that to me?

“Angela,” I heard Alana’s voice say softly as she placed her hands on my shoulders, trying to comfort me. “Come inside.”

“He’s gone,” I muttered, my voice cracking. “Benji’s gone.”

“Angela, come on, lets go inside,” Ali urged me once she squatted down to meet me at the level I was currently at. I shook my head. I didn’t want to go inside because that means that I would have to come to grips with the fact that Benji actually was gone, even though I already knew it. I just felt that if I went inside, I would acknowledge the fact that I let the best thing to come into my life slip out of my hands.

“But he… Benji’s gone,” I uttered pathetically.

“I know, lets go inside and figure something out okay?” she said softly to me as she helped me to my feet. I felt as if all of the strength in my body had been washed away. My weight was supported by Ali’s body as we walked back towards the house. Right as we reached the front door, I turned around and looked in the direction that Benji and everyone else had disappeared into and I felt more tears starting to flow down my cheeks.

“Shhhh,” Ali whispered as she shut the door and I started to whimper. “It’s gonna be okay Angie,” she assured me.

“Ali, can I just please be alone for now?” I asked her softly. I really didn’t want anyone to see me in the state that I was currently in. I know that I must look so fragile and I just wanted to have some time to get my thoughts together and figure out what to do. Ali looked at me for a second, her eyes looking deeply into mine, searching for what I was feeling; thinking. “I just need to get my thoughts together, please.”

“Okay,” she said nodding, “but I’m gonna be in my room and if at any time to you need me, even if I’m asleep, come and get me and I’ll be there for you.”

“Thanks,” I replied. Our eyes remained locked for a moment longer. I could tell that she really didn’t want to leave me alone. My eyes were silently pleading with hers so I knew that she would go to her room without an argument. Finally, she broke our eye contact and started to head up the stairs. I remained standing at the bottom of the stairs until I heard her door shut then I worked my way into the living room where I picked up my phone.

I stared at the phone for a moment then I turned my attention to looking around my living room. It was less than an hour ago that this room was filled with something that it hadn’t seen in a long time; happiness. I missed that feeling already. I turned my attention back to my phone and I immediately dialed Benji’s number. I knew he wasn’t home yet but I wanted a message to be waiting for him when he did. I sighed to myself, wondering exactly what I was going to say as I listened to the phone to ring. I inwardly gasped when I heard Benji’s machine pick up and his voice welcoming messages from friends and loved ones. Something I felt that I wasn’t any more. I painfully listened to the rest of the message as I waited for the tone.

“Benji, I’m sorry,” I said as soon as the tone went off, knowing that‘s what I needed him to hear most. So, if he ignored the rest of the message, at least I would know that he‘d heard my attempt at an apology. “I’m really really sorry. I didn’t want things to go the way they did. I was just so scared and so angry that I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to be hurt any more and I was afraid that sometime down the line, you would hurt me. I just… I just didn’t think I would be able to deal with that if that time ever came. I love you Benji,” I said as tears continued to stream down my cheeks as I spoke. “Even if you hate me because of what I did, because of how I know I hurt you, I just want you to know, need you to know, how I feel because if I don‘t tell you, I‘ll never be able to live with myself for not telling you when I had the chance. Ummm, I just want to thank you for everything that you did for me. I can’t explain how you made me feel. The closest thing that I could think of is that you made me feel alive again. Shit Ben, I owe you my fucking life. Uhh, I just want you to know that even if you never talk to me again,” I paused here, feeling my emotions starting to take over and was now having an affect on my voice, “I want you to know that I’ll always love you and you’ll always have a special place in my heart. No one will ever be able to take your place. I love you Ben,” I said, the last four words holding audible evidence of the fact that I was crying. That’s when I hung up the phone.

Things were all up to Benji now. If he ever wanted to talk to me again, he would call me, at least I hoped he would want to talk to me again. I prayed that he would want to talk to me again. I felt that I owed him a better explanation. Not some shitty message left on his machine. He deserved more than that. I looked down at the phone, willing it to ring, though I was positive Benji wasn’t even home yet. I sighed and forced myself to go up to my room. There was no point in sitting by the phone, I knew he wasn’t going to call, as much as I hated to admit it, I knew that it was the truth. I had hurt him, why would he want to give me a second chance? When I reached my room, I looked around. Suddenly, the space felt so large and empty without Benji. I let my eyes move around the room, taking in the sight of it once again but I stopped when I saw Benji’s hoodie draped on the chair in the corner. A small smile appeared on my face as I walked over to retrieve the hoodie and put it on.

The warmth that came from the hoodie was empty. It wasn’t the same as having Benji’s arms wrapped around me. I sniffed the hoodie, instantly regretting that I had washed it the other day because all evidence of Benji had been completely washed away. I moved slowly towards my bed, keeping the hoodie on. It just seemed to give me comfort. I sat on my bed and ran my fingers over the pillow that Benji had been using not too long ago. It was still warm. I pulled my hand away from the pillow, not wanting to taint it, as weird as that sounds. I sighed for what felt like the millionth time and laid on my bed, my back to the door. I wrapped my arms tightly around my body, wishing that they were Benji’s holding and I felt a warm tear roll down my cheek. I missed him so much already. It had only been a few moments but maybe it was the fact that Benji was never going to come back that made me miss him so damn much so fast.

Then suddenly, I felt the bed dip behind me. Someone was sitting on it and it wasn’t my sister. I knew it wasn’t Ali because the bed dipped significantly more than it would have if it had been her. My heart started to race. Benji had come back. I quickly turned around and I heard myself scream then everything went black.