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Chapter 17

“Please Benji, please don’t die,” I whispered to myself as I sat on one of the hard plastic chairs in the hospital waiting room. Immediately upon arriving at the hospital, Benji was taken to the operating room. The only nurse I had spoken too wanted to know how to contact his family, so I gave her Joel’s number. I still don’t know if she called him yet. I’ve been here for at least twenty minutes. I would think that Joel would be here already, his brother, his twin brother as a matter of fact, needs him more than he‘s probably ever needed him before and he‘s not here yet. He’s probably on his way, I told myself. I needed someone by my side who understood how I felt at the moment. I put my head in my hands, my tears still rapidly running down my cheeks. I’ve now reached a point where I’m surprised I still have tears left in me to shed. I would have thought that I had exhausted that well, but apparently I haven‘t. My tears just continued to fall.

I felt so responsible. Benji wouldn’t be where he was if it wasn’t for me. He was trying to protect me and only succeeded in getting himself hurt seriously, maybe even getting himself killed. I shuddered at the thought. Benji couldn’t die. I needed him too much and he didn’t deserve to die. He was only doing the right thing, he only wanted to help me. Why should he be punished for that? I sighed and shifted uncomfortably in my seat, waiting for something to happen. I hated hospitals, I’ve had too many bad experiences inside of them. People I love seem to always die here.

I shook the thought of Benji dying from my mind, at least I tried to. I sighed and looked around the room that I was sitting in, trying to find something to keep my mind occupied until Joel got here. My eyes fell upon a window and I rose from my seat and made my way towards it. I looked through the glass and into the night. Rain was pouring down and in an odd way, it sort of reflected how I felt at the moment. It was dreary and dark; lonely and cold. Tears continued to steadily flow down my face as I looked out of the window. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to fight off the cold that was beginning to take over my body. I ran my finger across my stomach, where my attacker had cut me. There really wasn’t too much damage. The doctors took a quick look at it and bandaged me up real quick then sent me to the waiting room to wait for news on Benji’s condition. That seemed like an eternity ago when in reality it couldn’t have been no more than an hour.

“Angela?” Joel’s worried voice asked, snapping me from my thoughts, as he walked into the waiting room. I nearly burst out in tears upon seeming him. His eyes were blood shot and his clothes were disheveled, it was apparent that he had been awaken by the call from the nurse. “What happened?”

“Joel!” I called, quickly running into his outstretched arms, desperately in need of some sort of comfort. “He was only trying to help. The guy… he.. he came after me again. He was in my room. He had me tied down to my bed but Benji came in before anything really bad could happen. But he hurt Benji. Joel, I‘m so sorry. I‘m so sorry,” I said as I lent my head against his shoulder and started to cry harder than I had been before. “It’s all my fault!”

“It’s okay, it’s not your fault,” Joel said in an attempt to calm me down as he wrapped his arms around me tightly and placed a gentle kiss on the top of my head.

“I’m so scared, Joel,” I admitted, not having the strength to argue with him. I knew this entire episode had been my fault. If I didn’t need Benji so badly, he wouldn’t have been there and neither Joel or myself would be trapped in this godforsaken hospital scared about what was going to happen to Benji. He kissed the top of my head again before speaking.

“I know, I am too,” he replied. “But Benji’s strong. He’ll pull through.”

“But what if he doesn’t?” I whispered back.

“He will,” Joel replied, though his voice didn’t sound all to convincing. It was obvious that he was as afraid that we would lose Benji as I was, probably even more so. Hell, he had every right to be. They were fucking twins, they’ve been together their entire lives. Joel wouldn’t know what to do if Benji died. I could only begin to imagine what was going through Joel’s mind right now. Was he thinking about what life would be like without Benji? No, he couldn’t be. Though I’ve only known these guys a few days, I knew that Joel wouldn’t give up on Benji like that.

“How are you feeling?” I asked him, staying locked in his embrace.

“Honestly, I don’t know,” Joel said, removing his arms from around me and moving to sit on one of the plastic chairs. “This just doesn’t seem real right now. It‘s all like a bad dream. I just keep thinking that I‘m gonna wake up and none of this happened, that Benji didn‘t end up in the hospital.” I looked at him for a second before sitting down on the chair next to him and turning my attention back to the window that had offered me escape before. I guess I wanted to escape what he had said. I knew he hadn’t intended it, but his words hurt me. They made me think that he’d wished I hadn’t come into their lives. Not that I can blame him. Neither he or Benji would be where they are right now if it wasn’t for me. I bit my lip when I looked back over at Joel, who was looking down at the ground.

“Joel, I’m sorry, this is all my fault. If I hadn‘t called for help.…,” I said, my voice trailing off. Joel looked up at me with confusion in his eyes and this time it was my turn to look at the floor. I stared at the black and white tiles that made the floor, not knowing what else I should say.

“Don’t say that,” he replied, and it sounded as if he was shocked by what I had admitted.

Keeping my eyes on the ground I said, “but you said that you… you made it sound like you’d regretted that you met me.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he answered. I looked over at him, to find him staring intently at me, I quickly turned my attention back to the floor.

“He wouldn’t be hurt if it wasn’t for me,” I told him.

“Benji’s a big boy, he made his own decisions,” Joel stated as he placed his hand on my shoulder. “You didn’t force him to do anything that he didn’t want to. Please, don’t tear yourself up over this. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I just feel so guilty,” I cried as I turned around in my chair so that I could rest my head on Joel’s shoulder. He once again wrapped his arms around me, but this time he gently ran his hand up and down my back, in an attempt to soothe me, much like Benji had done.

“I understand, but there’s no need too,” he assured me. “You didn’t do anything wrong. So please, don’t do that to yourself.”

“Have you talked to any of the other guys yet?” I asked, changing the subject.

“No, I, um, pretty much ran out the door,” he replied. “I’m gonna have to call my mother and let her know what happened. I don’t need her hearing about this through watching the ten o’clock news.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” I said softly. “I should call Ali to let her know what’s going on.”

“How ‘bout I have Billy or Paul go to your house and get her and bring her over here, that is, if you want,” he offered. I looked at him and nodded my head.

“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea,” I said softly, a yawn escaping my lips. It was then that I realized just how tired I was. Tonight had taken so much energy out of me and quite frankly, I was surprised that I’m still awake and completely aware of my surroundings. I rose from my chair and walked out into the hallway of the hospital, when Joel pulled out his cell phone. I had assumed that he was going to call his mother first and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be there for that conversation. I knew that it was going to be an emotional conversation and I didn’t know how much more emotion I could take.

I wandered a few steps down the hall before I came across a water fountain. I pressed the button and drank the cool water that poured from the spout. The cold water was a refreshing feeling as it went down my throat. I released the button and looked down the hall. It was empty and quiet. All signs of life were gone, which I guess shouldn’t surprise me. There is a lot of death at hospitals. It’s probably where you would find the highest concentration of death anywhere else.

I walked a little further down the hall, noting all of the closed doors, hiding the agony of the people behind them. Oh how I hoped that Benji made it to be behind one of these doors. At least then, I would be able to see him, be near him, feel him. I wrapped my arms around myself again, feeling a sudden rush of cool air rush over my body. I walked a little further down the hall before deciding that I should head back to be with Joel. I didn’t want to be alone right now and I was sure that he needed someone too. As I walked down the hall again, I looked at the doors one more time as I passed them. When I made it back to the waiting room, Joel was off the phone.

“So?” I said causing Joel to look up at me. He hadn’t even noticed that I had entered the room he was so overtaken by his thoughts.

“My mom was pretty upset,” he started. “She wanted to fly out here but I convinced her otherwise, for now at least. I just don’t want her to see any of this cause I know that it’ll break her heart. I just can’t deal with that right now.”

“You can’t keep a mother away from her child when they need her most,” I replied.

“I know,” Joel simply answered. “I called Billy, he’s gonna go back to your place and spend the night there so that your sister won’t be alone when she wakes up and she can still go to school.”

“Okay, thanks,” I replied, not pushing the fact that he had changed the subject, after all, I was guilty of doing the same thing. There were things that we weren’t ready to talk about yet. I sat down next to him again and took his hand into mine. It was sort of my way of showing him that I was there for him.

“Mr. Madden?” a doctor asked from the door way of the waiting room.

“Yes?” Joel questioned, immediately jumping up from his seat, with me doing the same.

“We have some news on your brothers condition….”