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Chapter 20

Home. That word is so relative. What is home really? Some say home is where the heart is, so then where is home when you feel as if you don’t have a heart? Because that’s exactly how I feel right now. I’m sitting here in Joel’s living room thinking about everything that I’ve been through and how much everyone has gone through because of me. I can’t say that I don’t feel guilty because I do. I mean I know that most of what happened was completely out of my control but it seems like I’m the common thread between everything bad that has happened recently. Pushing those thoughts from my head, I pulled the light blanket that I’d brought down stairs with me, over me and tried to make myself comfortable on the couch.

Benji had been allowed to come home today and he wanted me to stay in the room with him and I had, until he fell asleep and that’s when I snuck down here. I wanted to be alone to think and for some reason, I wanted to be away from Benji at the moment. I guess a little bit of the guilt that I had been suppressing had managed to escape when I looked at him. I sighed, a little aggravated by the entire situation

“What are you doing down here?” I heard Joel ask as he made his way into the living room.

I shrugged before answering, “I don’t know. I guess I just felt kinda bad about what happened. I feel sorta responsible.”

“Don’t,” he stated seriously as he moved closer to the couch, “Benji doesn’t blame you for what happened so you shouldn’t blame yourself either.”

“I know, I know,” I replied, with another sigh. Joel sat down on the end of the couch and looked at me with concerned eyes.

“Wanna talk?” he asked.

“About what?”

He shrugged, “I don’t know. How ‘bout how you’re feeling?”

“I’m feeling like shit, Joel,” I said turning my attention to the floor. I couldn’t look him in the eye. He and Benji had the same eyes so looking into Joel‘s made me feel all the same guilt as looking into Benji‘s. “And I’m scared. Everything is happening so damn fast and I don’t know what to do. I just feel like I’m barely holding on and I’m gonna slip at any moment now and I don‘t know if there‘s gonna be anyone to catch me.”

“Benji’s not going anywhere and neither am I or your sister,” Joel responded. “We all care about you. We’re gonna help you get through this.”

“That’s the problem Joel, I don’t know what this is,” I admitted. “I can’t blame everything on what’s been happing lately cause I had a lot of shit to deal with before this all happened. The attack just kinda compounded things and added a couple of hurdles on top of everything else.”

“Life sucks like that,” Joel said jokingly. I smiled and allowed one small laugh to escape from my lips.

“You don’t have to tell me that twice,” I responded.

“Look, just think about the good things that you’ve got, which is a lot,” Joel suggested. “Alana is a great girl and she loves you and might I say, you’ve done a good job being the big sister and taking care of her. And now you have Benji who’s a great guy, and I’m not just saying that cause he’s my brother. He loves you and I know you love him, what else could you need?”

“Answers.”

“They’ll come,” he said. “Don’t get too caught up in trying to find them because that’s how you forget about the things that you’ve already got.”

“I can’t be comfortable with what I have until I know that I’m not gonna loose it,” I sighed. Suddenly, I felt Joel’s hand on my shoulder and I looked up at him, his brown eyes locked onto me.

“See, that’s part of your problem,” he started and I looked at him questioningly. “You’re afraid that you’re gonna lose everything and if you keep running from it, then you just might. Benji will wait for you as long as you need him to, he’s that kind of person, but if while you’re with him that you aren’t actually with him and by that I mean if you keep letting yourself get to scared over something that might not ever happen and you start to push him away, don’t pull him back in until you’re ready for him completely. He’s not a yo-yo so he’s not going to be able to just keep coming and going like it doesn‘t bother him or because that‘s how it‘s ‘supposed‘ to be. Love him Angie, that’s all you need to do right now. Everything will work itself out and whatever doesn’t, Benji will be there to help you sort out, that is, if you want him there.”

“Of course I want him there,” I replied.

“Then be there for him now and let things work themselves out for now,” he continued. “The police are doing all they can, this guy isn’t gonna be out there for much longer.”

“Thanks Joel,” I said as I pulled him into a hug.

“No problem, now go get your butt upstairs!” he said then clapped his hands together twice.

“Loser,” I joked as I rose from the couch and walked towards the stairs.

“That’s me,” he replied and I laughed then shook my head. I opened the door to the bedroom that Benji and I wear sharing quietly once I reached it. After stepping into the room, I shut the door behind me, hoping that I didn’t wake Benji.

“Where’d you go?” I heard Benji’s groggy voice ask. So much for not waking him.

“Downstairs, I couldn’t sleep,” I answered.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just have a lot on my mind,” I relied as I crawled back into the bed.

“Penny for your thoughts?” he asked as I rested my head against his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close to him.

“I was just thinking about the whole situation. I was feeling kinda bad at first then I had a talk with Joel,” I explained. “So, now I’m feeling a lot better.”

“That’s good,” he replied. “It’s not your fault ya know?”

“I know.”

“You had no control over what happened,” he continued.

“I know,” I repeated.

“Just wanted to make sure that you knew.”

“I love you Benji.”

“I love you too babe,” he replied and placed a soft kiss on the top of my head.

“I wanna be with you.”

“You are with me,” he returned.

“No, I wanna be with you with you,” I told him. “I wanna give myself to you.” I could feel Benji’s grip tighten around me a bit, pulling my even closer to him, if that were even possible. I once again inhaled his scent and awaited his reply, when I didn’t get one, I said, “Benji?”

“You’re not ready,” he simply stated. “It’s only been a little over a week since the last time when you freaked out. You still need more time.”

“No I don’t Benji,” I replied. “I need you.” Benji was silent again and honestly, I didn’t know how I should take it. I knew Benji loved me and he just wanted to be sure that I was ready, but I was telling him that I was, what more could he want from me?

“We don’t need to rush,” he replied softly. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“But Benji…”

“No buts. I want our first time together to be special. I wanna make it worth the wait,” he explained. I looked at Benji intently for a second, considering what he was saying to me. “I love you.”

“I love you too Benji.”

“You’re not mad right?”

“Of course not,” I replied honestly. How could I be mad at him for only wanting to love and protect me.

“Good,” he said, kissing the top of my head once again. We both looked up when we heard a knock and the door and the door open slowly.

“Guys?” Joel said softly.

“Yeah?” Benji answered.

“The police just called. They want us to come down to the station, they caught the guy.”