Chapter 4:
Brian’s mind wandered as he found himself alone at the bow of the boat, leaning forward against the metal railing. He allowed his line of sight to focus somewhere off in the fading distance, staring blankly at a darkened horizon where the sun had set below the edge of the vast expanse of water hours earlier. He sighed, trembling slightly as a light sea breeze toyed with the soft curls of hair against his forehead and glanced upward at the continual accumulation of formidable clouds in the evening sky. The weather had been changing constantly throughout the entirety of the day, although instead of getting better, Brian uneasily began to perceive the notion that it was only getting worse. He frowned as he studied the twisting and uneven outlines of the charcoal gray fixtures overhead. There was something about their ominous presence that twisted a sickening knot in the very pit of his stomach, but then again he was almost quick to credit that to the fact that he hadn’t been thrilled about taking this trip in the first place and being out in the middle of the ocean on a tiny boat compared to some standards wasn’t the most comforting idea in the world. Even more discomforting was the fact that he still hadn’t spoken to Nick or even seen his estranged friend since earlier that afternoon during their rather uncomfortable confrontation. It seemed Nick was making all efforts and then some to completely steer clear of Brian’s path at all costs, leaving him unsure what to make of the general situation. For the longest time Brian had undoubtedly known of the unmistakable breakage of one of the closest friendships he had ever cherished, so when Nick had presented him with the invitation to go on this trip, he had guessed without a second thought that it was Nick’s unspoken way of hinting towards him making an effort of wanting to try to patch the hole that had formed. But now that explanation seemed to spiral down the drain because Nick wouldn’t look at Brian or speak a single word to him and he was once again doing one of the things he did best and that was hiding from his problems. The opportunity for salvation was right there in front of Nick and he couldn’t understand why he was continuing to run from it.
Brian shook his head in an expression of melancholy and bent at the waist so that he was resting his forehead against his folded arms. He could hear a light swishing against the hull of the boat as the salty sea water came in contact with thick metal in a slapping motion. He felt horrible, both mentally and physically, although he was sure the former symptom wasn’t all too much attributed to an ailing case of seasickness. It troubled him to know things had become so complicated over the years when in retrospect, everything used to seem so simple. But most troublesome of all was the fact that try as he might, he couldn’t find a solution that would fix the problem. Brian lifted his head and craned his neck to glance back at the towering control room where he knew for a fact Nick was still hiding. On one hand he was tempted to march right into that room and demand that Nick stop acting so childish and at least give the opportunity for a civilized conversation a chance, but a nagging voice of hesitancy prevented him from taking a single step forward. What Brian was so afraid of, he wasn’t sure. Maybe it was the possibility of a blunt rejection towards him on Nick’s part that halted him from moving even an inch. Or maybe he was finally starting to accept the demise that had become of his and Nick’s friendship. When had he become such a coward? Wasn’t he doing one of the things Kevin had always advised him against doing, which was giving up at fixing a problem? “There’s a solution to everything, Bri. Some are harder then others to find. The trick is to not give up while you’re looking for the solution.” Of course that was always easier said then done, but as he stood there with Kevin’s voice reprimanding him inside his head, Brian scoffed in disgust. He was a coward. He was so quick to say Nick was the worst when it came to running from his problems, but in all truth he was no better because he was no more ready to work towards that solution then Nick was. And wasn’t he in all reality running from the problem too?
“Geez, Littrell, can you be anymore of a hypocrite?” Brian grumbled, lifting his head to once again focus his attention on the clouds. They were no darker then moments before, however they appeared just as threatening. Brian shivered, listening. Somewhere in the distance a faint crackling of thunder disturbed the seaward silence and caused the skin on Brian’s arms to crawl. His attention snapped in the general direction, his weary eyes narrowing in unease. Although almost unnoticeable, the breeze around him picked up the slightest and he stepped back from the railing, adjusting the wildcats cap atop his head. His heart skipped several beats in his chest as the nerves in his body kicked into overdrive in a premature fashion. Brian inhaled a sharp breath and turned on his heels, crossing the deck towards the staircase that led up to the control room and took the stairs two at a time, all the while he remained unaware of the tiny droplets of precipitation that had begun to land periodically on the deck of the boat.
*****
Nick’s head pounded with an intensity that the two aspirin he had recently taken could not seem to control. Each passing second drilled a pain into each temple, threatening a head explosion that Nick was almost ready to welcome. His mind was clouded, he felt sick to the very core of his stomach, and the soda he had been nursing now lie flat and warm on the counter top next to him. He hunched over with the points of his elbows balancing atop the counter and rested his forehead within his hands. The map beneath his upper limbs adorned new red markings as a slight revision to the course he had hoped to be taking. Stopping their course of travel for several hours that morning had put them further behind schedule then Nick had originally anticipated. Now he stood trying to correct the set back to catch them up to speed. The task shouldn’t have proved too difficult, but he had received a semi urgent fax from weather control nearly an hour before hand warning him of the developing storm system he had mentioned to Brian the day before. Now Nick had to brainstorm a slightly alternate route in order to bypass the storm system. Doing so would already most likely set them a day behind schedule which wasn’t at all pleasing. Nick had hoped to not encounter any complications during the duration of the voyage, although now it seemed like that wasn’t going to be possible.
Taking another sip of the decarbonated liquid, Nick grimaced in disgust and carried the can over to the trash bin. He let the tin can fall into the bin with a sounding ‘clunk’ and glanced up to stare out at the darkening sky. There was an unmistakable shaking of the doorknob that made Nick freeze in the spot where he stood, followed by a light knocking that echoed through the tiny room. For a moment he stood there dumbly, staring in anticipation as if almost forgetting that he wasn’t alone on board. The knocking continued with another shaking of the handle until Nick finally regained his momentum and forced his feet to move. He pushed his body towards the windowless steel door and reached for the handle, pausing. “Who is it?” he called out vaguely, the bottom of his hand merely resting atop the surface of the round knob.
“Who do you think it is?” Brian responded pointedly moments later when Nick finally pulled the door open. He didn’t wait for his friend to step aside and pushed his way into the room.
Nick shut the door and turned. “So it was a dumb question,” he shrugged.
Brian was prepared with a witty reply but quickly abandoned the idea when he noted the look of rejection etched across Nick’s face. “Yeah, it was,” he chided lightly with a small laugh. “But luckily we’re stuck out here with noone else around to have heard it.”
“Just my luck huh?”
“Aren’t you relieved?”
“Brian? Shut up.”
Brian wheezed, raising his eyebrows and biting at his bottom lip. “Point taken.”
“So...” Nick drawled, bypassing the vicinity in which Brian stood and moving towards the large wooden wheel. He gripped the object absentmindedly and made every obvious effort to avoid Brian’s gaze, allowing a thick uncomfortable tense air to blanket the room. He cleared his throat.
“Gonna stay up here the whole time?”
“Thinking about it.”
“Feeling antisocial?”
“Considering it.”
Brian withheld a frustrated sigh. He had a hard enough time speaking to Nick as it was and the tall blonde wasn’t making it any easier with a clear unwillingness at wanting to hold any sort of a conversation, whether it be one sided or not. “Well, stay up here and you’ll have more then enough time to consider things.”
“Seems I’ve got a lot of time to do that lately,” Nick mumbled. “Was there something I can help you with?”
“Geez, Nick, you sure have a way of making a guy feel like his presence is unwanted.”
“Didn’t mean it like that, but take it how you want.”
Brian looked upward and pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers. “You know, you aren’t making this any easier.”
Nick cocked an eyebrow, turning around. “What do you mean?”
Considering his next approach carefully, Brian raised his hands, palms upward. “This...this attitude of yours. I don’t really know what to call it, Nick. But it certainly isn’t by any means a walk in the park being stuck onboard this boat with you-”
“Figured you would have already exhausted your need to tell me how much you disliked being here-” Nick began to lightly retort.
Brian’s eyes narrowed. “Come off that already, would you? Fine, you’re right. If you’re not going to be honest, then maybe I should start being honest with you. This whole idea?” He spread his arms out, waving them around briefly to motion to the general area of the room. “Is absolutely ridiculous. In fact, it’s probably one of the stupidest ideas you have ever come up with in all of the years that I have known you and honestly speaking, I would rather be anywhere else right now then stuck out here with you, but since I’m here right now and there’s nothing you or I can do about it, then I’d say it’s about time we start putting the shit out on the table, ‘cause I for one am tired of beating around the bush and trying to act like everything is all fine and dandy. Respect goes both ways, Nick, and when you invited me along, I had expected a lot more then your piss poor show of effort-”
“Are you done yet?” Nick interrupted emotionlessly, although the harder Brian stared, the more clearly he was able to see the shattering of Nick’s soul from deep inside. However, his taller friend stood his ground only feet away, refusing the explanation Brian was failing at trying to pry from him.
Brian blinked in an almost disbelief, his lips parted in a quick reply, yet he found himself rendered speechless at the blatant disregard in Nick’s stature. He stood there silently for several moments more before turning away briefly. If he had enough sense coursing through him at that moment, then he would have stepped forward and sent his fist flying directly into Nick’s left temple, however Brian knew acting on such an impulse would have served no purpose other then making the situation far worse. The density in the air was already tense enough as it was, thick enough that Brian felt as if he could slice through the air with a sharpened serrated knife. He turned around again and glared forward. “Is that the best you can come up with?” he asked in return, surprised that he was experiencing some form of disappointment. The least he had expected was for the faintest resemblance of a fight of some sorts, at least to the point where Nick stood firm in defending himself, although it seemed he had given up on doing even that in the least.
“And what’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nick, what happened to you?” Brian whispered. Nick cocked an eyebrow but remained steadfast in refusing to answer, leaving the ball in the pit of Brian’s stomach to grow agonizingly bigger, creating a discomfort that seemed to be even worse then the tense density in the air. Brian shook his head, allowing disappointment and a certain sense of cowardice claim yet another victory. “Honestly, I didn’t come up here to fight. And really...I don’t know what’s happened or why, but I’m trying and I’m willing to make the effort. Nick?”
Nick cleared his throat with a barely audible guttural sound, releasing all of his weight against the surface of the steering wheel. “I heard you,” he mumbled.
Brian clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, frowning. “Ya know...” he started while slowly making his way backwards toward the door. “I wouldn’t have come on this trip with you if I absolutely didn’t want to, but the point is I actually do give a care in the matter. I just...thought you knew me better to realize that.”
“At one point in time...” Nick sighed but shook his head, firmly deciding against his former choice of words. “I don’t know anything anymore, Brian. After all, I’m just the dumb fuck up who can’t do anything right with my life. I mean, that’s what all of you think, right? I’ll always be the screw up who disappoints everyone. You wanted me to admit it, didn’t you? Well I just did, and you know what? I’ll admit something else. I don’t know what I was thinking when I asked you to come along. You’re right though. It was stupid. The whole idea was stupid. Just another one of Nick’s stupid ass ideas. The only difference is I figured the old Brian, the Brian who used to honestly care and make me feel like I was important…I figured he would see past all of that. But I guess I am seeing now that I was horribly wrong.”
Brian stood frozen in place in a dumbstruck awe. He could see Nick trying to keep the tears at bay but failing at the matter all the same. Nick had always hated to let his emotions burst forth. Years prior Brian would find himself getting after the younger man about his lack of speaking up when something was wrong; now he couldn't find it in his heart to lecture Nick for not bringing it up in the first place. A certain chord, painful as it was, had been struck in Brian heart. He heaved a deep breath, searching for something to say...something logical that would tame the wild fury and conviction in Nick's tone. But it was all too apparent that Nick had been holding back for quite some time and it seemed that nothing Brian could find to say at that moment would make any sort of difference. He surrendered his attempts to find reason and resorted to letting his mouth part in silence.
The lack of response only fueled Nick's anger and irritation further. His green eyes dimmed immensely as he nodded towards something that seemed to be a mutual agreement although it remained left unsaid. He almost appeared to have set his face into a deadly glare and his body remained rigid and upright where he stood. "Wow, now I am getting the silent treatment. Been hanging around Kevin much lately?" he sneered and turned to reach for a pack of cigarettes that had previously been lying unattended to on the counter next to him. He stuck one end between his lips and slowly lit the other. The smoke filtered through the air of the enclosed room in a smoky haze, but it didn't phase Nick and neither did Brian's sudden cringe of disgust. "What?" he asked nonchalantly.
"Since when did you start smoking?" Brian demanded, taken aback in a concerned awe as his voice sounded nothing like his own.
Nick rolled his eyes, clearly annoyed. Brian had reacted the same way when it came to that exact habit AJ was guilty of. Only Nick had never expected to receive the reflection of disappointment staring back at him for such a small decision he had chosen to make. Brian always had his own way of voicing his distaste to each and every one of their bad habits, but he had given the most leniency when it came to Nick. He had seemed to realize that Nick was going to do what he wanted despite anyone's protests and he needed to be allowed to make his own mistakes. Brian had always let him proceed, walking a step behind so Nick would have a strong structure of support to fall back on, secretly hoping the younger man would ultimately make the right decision. Now he stood before him with a disgust so utterly forward that it made Nick cringe. He took another drag from the cigarette nonetheless. "When you stopped caring," he finally spat, knowing it was childish but hoping all the same to hold tight to his stubborn reserve.
"I've never stopped caring-"
"Bullshit, Brian. I'm not stupid. I don't need you or your pitiful stares. So I made a mistake bringing you here. At least give me the decency of not rubbing it in my face the whole damn time."
"God Nick..." Brian whispered, feeling himself physically going backwards from Nick's outburst. It was foolish that they were even in the spot they found themselves in, but Brian had never expected it. Then again he imagined maybe he had been just too blind to see the road they were heading down. But to say he didn't care was the ultimate weapon to tear him apart and Nick was using it to his own selfish advantages, whether he knew the extent of the damage he was causing or not.
Nick moved over to the counter that held the large map and picked up the red pencil he had previously been creating the markings with. He scribbled a few notations before looking up again to see Brian was still glued in place. Nick felt his heart hammering in his chest and the pit welling deep in his stomach as he bit at his bottom lip in wonder. He hated the dejection in Brian's demeanor but knew all too well that he himself appeared no better. He withheld a sigh and reached up to rub at his temples, a lack of sleep causing the exhaustion to creep in unexpectedly. "I'm sorry for dragging you out here. Really, I am. But the least you could do is pretend you care instead of blatantly lying to my face." He gathered the map at both sides and began to roll it so each end met in the middle before placing it aside, then moved to a compacted digital control panel to the right of the wooden wheel. He punched in several codes with determination, twisted a dial one click to the left, and pushed two buttons in simultaneously. Satisfied that he had achieved what he set out to do at the panel, he backed away and snuffed his cigarette out in a nearby ashtray. Nick's eyes scanned the vicinity of the room several times, hesitating on making any sort of move. "The boat is on auto pilot at the moment," he explained lightly. "Should be ok to navigate itself for now. I'm going down to the bunks for a while. Mind watching over things for me?"
Brian never got the chance to answer either way as Nick brushed past him and slammed out the steel door, leaving a quaking roar of thunder in the distance to echo and a heavy weight to press further down upon Brian's shoulders.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I guess it may seem not very promising that it has taken me a year and a half to update LOM, but I have finally done it and I'm feeling inspired to update it more often. Reading over what I have written so far made me miss working on this story so I had to finish chapter four and finally get it posted. Sadly enough I have had 2/3 of the chapter finished for the past year and a half but like I said, unfortunately it has taken me this long to get it done. Hopefully though that won't be the case anymore and we will see more updates from me for LOM, ITNC, and OGKW, plus a possible beginning to another idea for a new fic I have had swimming around in my head for some time now. Anywho, hope you all enjoy the update for this. Sorry it took so long and leave some reviews. I'd love to know what y'all think!
