To the rest of the world, we were long dead. Buried deep six feet under, nothing was left except perhaps framed pictures of us hanging on the walls of our houses. Perhaps the pictures in itself stirred distant memories that no one could quite reach anymore. Who knows? In our world, where we were forced to live in, the struggle continue. For me, it was the beginning to understand my purpose of being there in the first place. The struggle of learning the secrets and keeping them, hoping that one day, I could break it to the world. Hoping that one day, to the rest of the world, I would live again. ---------- The Black Mustang glided through the deserted road early dawn, sending dead leaves that had carpeted the molten mortar road to disperse itself once again. The smoothness of the engine making it impossible to leave any skid marks on the road as the tires burnt under pressure and gravity. The young man behind the wheel not giving a second thought about how dangerously fast he was going, stepped on the gas; his thoughts far from concentrating on the road. Eyes hidden behind dark shades, he had opted to pull up all windows and let himself suffocate in the coldness of the air-con instead. The stereo was uncharacteristically silent that morning. He found it pointless to blare the system up when he found no joy in it. He used to scream along to the music and made fun of himself but that was when he could share it with his best friend. What's the use in doing that alone? He jerked a little, realizing that the ringing of the car phone had startled him back to reality. Shaking his head to brush off the sudden wave of dizziness, he clicked the 'answer' button. "Talk." He said. "Mc Lean, you drive like a pussy." Automatically, his eyes went up to the rearview mirror and as expected, he saw a white Mercedes Benz driving not far behind. "Tell me then Timberfake, what the fuck are you doing back there?" He asked sarcastically. "Coz I don't wanna shock you and get you in an accident if I just speed ya know? And AJ, get the name right for once will ya? It's getting old." "I really wanna call you Timberfag, but that would only insult the gays." "Awww...wassup Bone? You need some chill out session man, Nick's dead doesn't mean you have to act dead too. Honestly man, how long can you keep up this mourning period huh? Sooner or later, you have to drop the act and get on the booze again." He halted the Prowler to a stop immediately and from the view of his mirror, Justin did the same. "Hey Timber, look out your window." He waited till he could see his curly top out the window of the Mercedes and then bringing down the window to his own car, showed him the finger. "Daddy's boy, race me if you're man enough." Not giving the young man any chance, he stepped on the gas pedal and sped away. School had meant nothing to him lately. Everywhere he went, people looked at him in sympathy, some even offering him companion, wanting him out of the dark and embracing life again. But he could never trust anyone like he had trusted Nick. Making up his mind, he took a swerve to the left instead to the right, where Eastbay High School would be. He smiled, knowing that he would not have to face the faceless crowd in school. And a pissed Justin Timberlake for his little stunt earlier. ~*~ His younger twin might not have realize it but he did. It was so obvious and up until then, he still had no clue what had been the cause. He wished he could be as oblivious as Angel was. Mrs. Bently had been called for an immediate meeting and they were left with Miss Casey, who had been so fun as to let them play around instead of making them sit obediently. And as he sat at the furthest corner of the room alone, he watched Angel approached a group of girls with a doll in hand. The moment she had settled within the group, the girls left her. And Angel didn't care, she played by herself, talking to the doll and dressing her up. He too had gathered with the boys right after Miss Casey gave them the green light. They were planning on a game of 'Police and Thief' and suspiciously, he was left out of the game. Then he tried chatting up with one of the boys who was taking a rest and the boy had told him that he wasn't suppose to talk to him. He had wrecked his brain, wondering what he could have possibly do that had gotten them so mad at him and Angel. He couldn't find any. He went up to his sister and sat facing her, trying to read the expression on her face. She seemed fine to him. "Hey," He said, unsure of what to say. Sitting cross-legged, his gaze fixed to the tiled floor. "Hey." Angel replied as she continued brushing the doll's blonde hair. "The boys are ignoring you too huh?" His head shot right up and he met Angel's stare. Unshed tears welled up her brown eyes, threatening to slide its way down her blushed cheeks. Silently, he prayed that he wouldn't crumble in front of her. He had to protect her. "They're being a big jerk. Ignore them." He reasoned, shrugging his shoulders as he did so. Looking at Aaron, Angel couldn't help being reminded of her big brother. Nick always shrug his shoulders when he wasn't certain about something. And as much as she appreciates Aaron trying to put a brave front whenever she was around, she knew that he missed him as much as she was. Often at night, she would wake up and heard him sobbing in his sleep, hugging on to his picture and crying out for their brother. She would lay in her bed, watching in silence as her brother drifted back to sleep. And it hadn't been easy to find their mother, who was normally a very chirpy woman, always gazing into nothingness. Her eyes were always swollen and red and dinner time was a solemn affair. Their father had busied himself with more work and when he was home, he would play with them but often, she felt that he wasn't really there with them. They needed Nick back, and that was something even a five year old knew they could never get. "I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW SELFISH AND THOUGHTLESS YOU PEOPLE ARE!" Aaron jerked, not from the yelling but from the familiar voice that it had came from. "AC." Angel whispered, unable to finish her sentence. Storming in their class was their mother, red faced and obviously furious over something. Mrs Bently followed closely behind, looking lost. Jane found the twins seated near a corner, playing by themselves. Other kids were mingling around together and it ached her heart to see the prejudice her children had to endure. For a split second, she wondered if they even knew what was going on around them. "Come on sweethearts, we're going home right now." She said softly as she picked their bags and reached out her hand for them. Angel took her hand and said nothing. "Aaron, take your sister's hand, we're going home." Jane said calmly as she saw the hurt in his eyes. "Why? School is not even out yet." Aaron asked. "We're not coming here again, I will find you another school okay? There'll be better friends there, I promise." Jane said as she pulled Angel along, ignoring the looks everyone around them were giving. "No one will be your friends. You will kill them." A young boy said suddenly. "I DO NOT!" Aaron yelled, wondering why his friend would say something like that. "You will too. My mom said you would! You and Angel!" A girl shouted. "It's because of my brother, isn't it?" Aaron spat all of a sudden. "He died and you think you will die too if you get near us!" Jane closed her eyes for a moment, willing for herself not to break down. No one ever did tell the twins about Darla or that their brother had died because of it. She wished they didn't have to know. Now, she wasn't entirely sure. "Aaron please, let's go and mummy will buy you an ice-cream." Jane said, her voice already shaky. "I HOPE THAT YOUR BROTHERS DIE TOO! AND YOUR SISTERS! I HOPE YOUR FRIENDS LEAVE YOU LIKE YOU LEAVE US!" Aaron yelled. "AARON, THAT IS ENOUGH!" Jane cried. "Honey, if you love mummy, we will go home now." Aaron wiped the tears that was now trickling down his cheeks furiously and ran out of the classroom. He had held back so much for too long. He was angry at the world for taking his brother away from him and for stripping his family off their happiness. He was angry at himself for not being able to do anything about it. ~*~ Nick woke up to the feeling of something cold and wet on his forehead. Shivering a little, he forced his eyes to open, knowing that he would be greeted to the same dull ceiling. "Hey, you awake man?" Nick found the voice familiar but he knew it didn't belong to neither Howie nor Brian. He adjusted to the scene ahead of him until the dizziness dissolved to the back of his head. Focusing on the figure standing next to his bed, he saw Mark. "Hi." Nick pulled himself up from the bed with startled gasps as the pain shot fresh waves of what felt like needle pricks to his body. "Here, let me take that for you." Mark reached out to something on his forehead and Nick found out the cold feeling he had felt earlier on was the wet cloth. He decided he must have had a temperature. "I wish I could do something to help but Howie warned me that I will only hurt you more if I touch you." Mark said as he cautiously studied every movement he made. "Thanks.I'm okay though." Nick assured him. Mark smiled and nodded his head and slumped tiredly on the edge of the empty bed next to him. "I...er...I'm sorry about your friend Shane. I didn't get to tell you that earlier." Nick offered, unsure of what to do. "Thanks... I guess it was for the best though.he was suffering too much." Mark replied softly. As if realizing that he was about to go down that road again, he shook his head and smiled. "So, I heard what they did to you. I bet it's a new thing they're trying out." Nick cringed at the thought. He hated to relive what he had gone through and the conversation was making him nervous all over again. A voice in his head kept telling him that it would happen again, soon. Over and over and over. "How long have you been in here Mark?" Nick asked as he absent-mindedly touched one of the dried wounds on his arm. "Three." "Years?" Nick gasped, his eyes shot back to the pale looking young man whom Nick considered was once full of color and vibrant. Just like he used to be. "More so. I'm not quite sure though, we don't have leisure such as calendars here." Mark replied casually. Nick looked around the room, adjusting his sleepy eyes to the surrounding, trying to kick the drowsiness away. Brian's bed was empty while a mound on the next bed suspiciously looked like Howie. He was covered under the blanket, only the mess of curly, dark locks could be seen. "Did your family know you're still alive?" Nick asked. "I mean, they never get to visit right? What do they tell your family anyway?" "I don't think I'm in the position to answer that right now. We're having what I'd like to call our own secret meeting tonight in my room, Kevin will be there, he will answer all your questions." Mark replied softly, careful not to let anyone hear their conversation. He knew very well that walls have ears in that home. "They told me stuffs about this place too. I.I still can't believe it's all happening though. I feel so helpless." Nick sighed. In his frustration, he peeled one of the dried wounds on his arm and a tiny dot of fresh blood resurfaced. "I'm in here for years now Nick, and I'm still helpless. Howie said it will go away, that we get detached from our emotions and just live out our days till we...die...but I'm still feeling things. Sometimes I truly believe that I've gone crazy." "Howie said that? He seemed detached..." "Before he gets misunderstood, you need to know something about Howie." Mark smiled as he climbed out of the bed and sat on the chair next to Nick's bed. He had not had any session for the past five days and walking had been easy again. "About Howie?" Nick asked, confused. Mark nodded. "When I came here, he and Shane and er, Brad, you met him in cafeteria." "Brad Pitt?" Nick smirked. "Yeap, that one," Mark giggled. "They welcomed me to their little 'circle'. We became very close friends, helping each other out you know.and one night, while I was really, really sick after my session, I woke up and found him sitting on the chair next to my bed, taking care of me. Shane was already asleep and he decided to open up to me for the first time." Nick shifted on his bed, trying to find that perfect position so that it wouldn't hurt so much. After a number of tries, he decided that there would be no comfort as long as he was in that place. "He told me he had a brother and three sisters and that they were all sent to this Home. Can you even begin to imagine that? All of them sent here to suffer and die? I can't even begin to understand how his parents must have felt to loose all their children in a single day. He didn't know what happened to his parents after that coz they weren't allowed to see them either. God knows what they had told them." Mark sighed heavily as his firm gaze was set on a tiny hairline crack on the wall next to Nick. Thoughts of his own family was haunting him. How he had missed them all. Three years was a long time. Three years he had been dead to them. "Six months after they were brought here, his brother died. And to make things worse, his first sister died two months after that. A week later his second sister followed. I have to tell you first that the girls are separated from the boys and he was never allowed to see them but through Kevin, he learnt of his sisters plights." Nick was close to tears. His thoughts were of the twins. Will they torture young kids like them too? His eyes wandered to the hidden figure on the bed opposite him. Now, he had looked at Howie differently. He found inspiration in the young man. He doubt he could survive what Howie had went through. "Please tell me his third sister is still alive." Nick said, almost begging. "Well, after that, a month later, he received news from Kevin that his parents died from a car crash. Pollyanna, that's his youngest sister, died a week later. He said she was too distraught by their deaths that her health deteriorate and one day, she just didn't wake up. All these happened in a year Nick, so you gotta understand his position." "God...I'm not even sure if I could be as strong as him if it were me." Nick cried. It was too much for him, Howie's history only made him yearn for his own family more. "If you think that's the last, think again. His cousin died just two weeks before you came." Mark replied. "Did...did his cousin used to occupy this bed?" Nick asked. "Oh no...Kristin would be at the girls' wing section." Mark replied. "Kristin? Is she...er...somehow related to Kevin?" Nick asked. "Where did you hear that?" Mark smiled. Nick shrugged. "Not many knew about this, but Kevin was in love with her. So you understand now why he's so into this plan to tell the whole world about us." Nick nodded his head. Perhaps, he shouldn't have known about all these. It only made him feel a million time worst than he already was. "Hey, don't dwell too much into it okay? The more you think about it, the easier you'll loose control of yourself." "How can I not?" Nick sighed. "I'm not sure if we should count ourselves lucky or not, coz we got Kevin. You know how he is planning to bring this whole secret open to the public right? Well...tonight you're gonna find out just who are your friends and who are your enemies in here. That way, you can prevent yourself from getting into trouble. We know what is happening in here Nick, but most the guys here, they're totally in the dark. They keep asking themselves why their parents didn't come and visit and why they were tortured so much. We know. And I don't know if that's a good thing or not. But at least we have a purpose to hold on you know...if this thing do get known to the public, we could save ourselves. Hey, we could see our family again, who knows? But for now, you have to be strong. Not just for yourself, but to the guys around you. You lift up each others spirits, that's how we survive here. Brian's having his session right now, he will need all your support when he gets back. I know you're not better off yourself but you stay strong for your brothers and they will do the same to you." Mark said. He watched as the blonde tried to take all the information in and decided that he needed his space to think about it. He stood up and started for the door. "I'm going back to my room now, just take it easy okay? You'll be alright, you have these guys." Nick looked up at Mark, who was already standing in front of the door. "How about you Mark? Who keeps you up when you get back to your room?" Nick asked, knowing that after Shane's death, he was left alone in the room. How could someone sleep in the dark in a room not their own, accompanied with nothing but their own disturbed thoughts? "There'll always be new ones coming in Nick. They never stops." ------------- I hope you understand Howie more now. For he was one of the reasons why I live to tell this tale today. When I first met him, he was one of the many kids who wanted nothing more but to die. And ironically, it was in him that I find strength to go on. I'm not expecting you to cry for what fate had done to him and his family. Just feel. For I need you to get in touch with your emotions before I could share with you the secret that I've been dying to tell the world.