Nick started open-mouthed at the angry tears that had sprung into his mother’s eyes. Only moments earlier, he had sat down in the living room with her and Brian and told them what he had just told Dr. Kingsbury over the phone.
He’d made up his mind. He was going ahead with the amputation.
It was not something he wanted. But Nick Carter had learned long ago that what he wanted done and what had to be done were two different things. And this was something that had to be done if he wanted to live. Which he did. Even if it meant he had to do it with only one leg. He would survive. He would get through.
Hold on, Nick... I’ll save you...
He would be saved.
Brian seemed to agree; he had only nodded, grim-faced, when Nick said the words.
Jane, on the other hand, had exploded.
“What about your career?!” she continued now, her voice rising.
“What about his career? What about his life?!” Immediately, Brian was on his feet, the stony expression on his face replaced with one of fury. “You don’t even care about him, do you, Jane? All you care about is his money! And his reputation! He is your son! What’s wrong with you?!”
Nick watched his friend in awe, temporarily forgetting about his mother. He could count on one hand the times that Brian had looked this angry, had shouted this loudly, had gotten this red in the face.
“Stay out of this, Brian!” Jane shrieked. “It’s none of your God damn business! This is between Nick and I!”
“No it’s not! Nick is twenty-four, Jane, you can’t control his life anymore! This decision was his to make, and he’s made it! Why can’t you respect that?”
“Because he’s making a mistake!” Jane retorted. “He hasn’t even considered seeing one of the doctors I’ve found! He’s being completely ignorant and stupid!”
“No, I think you’re the one who’s ignorant, Jane,” Brian said coolly. “Look, I’m a religious person, and I believe in God, and I believe in miracles. But I also believe in modern medicine, and I believe this was the right choice to make.”
“How can you say that?! They want to cut off his leg!”
“Better that than let him die.”
“I am here, you know,” remarked Nick, looking from his mother to Brian, who were both on their feet now, facing each other as if they were about to duke it out physically. If looks could kill, Nick wouldn’t be the only one dealing with death.
Brian glanced over at Nick in surprise, almost as if he really had forgotten he was still in the room. “I’m sorry, buddy,” he mumbled and sank back down, refusing to look at Jane.
Jane glared at him once more and then turned her eyes upon Nick. “Nicky, please,” she said pleadingly, her voice softening. “Please reconsider this. I know you don’t really want this.”
“Want this?!” Nick repeated in disgust. “Of course I don’t want this! Hell no! But it’s something I have to do; I don’t really have a choice here.”
“Yes, you do! Think about it, Nick! If you let them do this, your career is over! You know that, don’t you?”
Tears threatened, but Nick kept his cool, using all his strength to hold them back. “Maybe, maybe not,” he said quietly. “But my life is more important than my career. I’m not ready to die.”
Jane’s face softened. “Oh, baby... baby,” she whispered, reaching out and taking his chin in her hand, just as she had done when he was little boy. “You’re not going to die. I’m not going to let that happen. I will find another doctor; I will find another treatment! Trust me!”
Nick jerked his head away, glaring defiantly at her. “Trust you? Why the fuck would I trust you? You’ve never given me any reason to trust you! Christ, Mom, the last time you were here, you had the fucking National Enquirer do a story on me with fucking pictures of me in the fucking hospital in a fucking coma!!”
“Nick,” Brian warned.
“Fuck off, Brian,” Nick muttered dismissively, without even looking at him, his steely gaze focused solely on his mother, who was looking quite offended. “And Mom... get out of my house. You’ve made this all that much worse, and I can’t fucking deal with you on top of everything else. Get out, and don’t you ever show up on my doorstep again, no matter what Brian or anyone tells you!”
“But... but wh-what about your... surgery?” Jane whimpered, extending her hand as if to touch him again. “Don’t you need me to be there?”
He ducked out of her reach and snorted, “Be there? Be there and what, take pictures of me on the operating table? Steal my fucking leg and auction it off on Ebay? Bet you could make a couple hundred there, Mom, would you like that?”
“NICK! ” a horrified Brian exclaimed, looking as if he were about to throw up.
Jane was white as a sheet, her mouth open in shock. “Nick-“
“I don’t need you and your bullshit,” Nick interrupted. “I need my real family. My brothers. Brian. Kevin. AJ. Howie.” He said their names slowly, pausing between each one, his eyes never leaving his mother’s, smiling in satisfaction at the pain that flickered in them.
He expected her to argue with him or plead with him some more. But she didn’t. Instead, she closed her mouth and tipped her head in a very slight nod.
“I’m going upstairs,” Nick announced in a deathly whisper, struggling to keep himself from shouting. “And when I come back down, you better be gone.” With that, he turned and stalked out of the room, too angry to care about the pains that shot through his leg. Brian called out after him, but Nick ignored him. He needed to be alone.
In the privacy of his locked bedroom, he lay down on his bed, his pounding head sinking comfortably into the pillow, the beating of his racing heart echoing in his ears.
And he cried.
***
Awhile later, there came a knock on the bedroom door, and Nick raised his tearstained face from the pillow and asked hoarsely, “Who is it?” knowing very well it could really only be one of two people, since Brian had told the other guys to hold off on coming until they knew more. Speaking of Brian, that better well be who was knocking on his bedroom because if it was his mother, Nick would just-
“It’s me,” came Brian’s voice, and Nick relaxed.
“Hang on, I’m coming,” he called and rolled off of the bed, nearly losing his balance and toppling over before he managed to cross the room and unlock the door. Opening it up, he was surprised to find that Brian’s face was red and blotchy too.
Noticing this, Brian smiled sheepishly. “Allergies,” he said, rubbing the corner of one eye.
“Yeah,” said Nick, managing a smile in return as he swiped at his own eyes. “Me too.”
“We should, uh, get some of that Claritin stuff, eh?”
“Oh yeah. Claritin. Definitely.”
Somehow, it was much more comfortable talking about non-existent allergies than real medical problems.
“Jane’s gone.”
Okay, so they couldn’t talk about Claritin forever.
Nick nodded. “Good.”
“Yeah,” agreed Brian. “Um... you’re not mad at me, are you? For blowing up at her?”
Nick stared at him as if he were insane. “Why the hell would I be mad at you for that? You were right to yell at her like that, the damn bitch. God, I hate her.” He looked at his feet and kicked at the carpet.
“Don’t say that, Nick.”
Nick’s head shot up. “Oh, don’t you dare go all holy on my ass. Yeah, yeah, I know you’re supposed to honor your mother and all that, but she ain’t no mother. Kevin’s more of a mother to me than she is!”
Brian snickered. “I’m gonna tell him you said that.”
Nick grinned. “Okay.”
“But seriously, you’re not mad? ‘Cause you did tell me to fuck off.”
“Aw, jeez, Bri, I didn’t really mean that,” Nick said, rolling his eyes in exasperation before realizing that Brian was only kidding. “Ha ha,” he said dryly.
Brian smirked, then quickly sobered, as if suddenly remembering the situation they were in. Nick could practically see the wheels turning in his friend’s mind; he was afraid to tease him too much. It was suddenly just the way it had been when the guys had first found out about Nick’s cancer. As if they were no longer allowed to joke around and mess with him because he was sick.
Nick soured, but didn’t get a chance to call Brian on it, for at that moment, he said softly, “Are you okay, Nick?”
Unexpectedly, Nick felt the tears threaten again and fought them back, furious with himself. “Yeah,” he said stubbornly, balling his hands into fists. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Brian just shook his head. The guy always had been able to read him like an open book. Nick scowled, but Brian only smiled sadly and pulled him into a hug. “It’s gonna be okay, Nick,” he whispered, his hand on Nick’s back. “You’re gonna get through this. And the guys and I will be there to help you, every step of the way.”
Nick’s hands fell limply at his sides, and again, the tears came. This time, he did not hold them back. What was the point?
Brian hugged him closer, and Nick couldn’t help but smile a little through his tears. Brian was right. He was going to make it through, with Brian and the others at his side.
Every step of the way.
***
